August 26

About a month ago, Amy told me that she was excited for the next holiday. I asked her if she meant Labor Day. She said, “No. The first day of school!” She started school this past Monday and loves it. Sarah starts school tomorrow, but she dressed in her uniform for Amy’s first day because she is eager to start school too. This is Sarah’s first year wanting to wear a jumper and skort, probably because they are plaid. 

Sarah and I had a fun week doing things just two of us. We went to the Children’s Museum. We got groceries. We made a bus out of her bed. That is something she has been requesting forever. Every time we see a real bus she says, “Can we make a bus just like that when we get home?” I always say yes, if we use our imaginations and maybe her bed. I brought up a room screen to be the door because it can fold and unfold. We used our kitchen step stool as the bus stairs. A gummy bracelet taped to the bed post served as a pull-cord to request a stop, and stuffed animals acted as passengers. We colored a sheet of paper red to signify the color of the bus, and I wrote out labels for Port Authority and 61B. Sarah and I ran to catch the bus, sometimes making it and sometimes missing it. We went to a pretend 61B cafe and had real smoothies made with cucumber, honeydew melon, and coconut milk. When Amy joined the bus play (it has continued on multiple days), I brought in all of their stuffed animals so passenger play could also serve as a sorting mechanism for what to keep and what to donate. In the past Sarah has usually wanted to keep everything, but she seemed more open this year to giving away some items. I was surprised by some choices but won’t fight them. We also filled a spare first aid kit with paper bandaids and bottles of medicine. I love how the girls readily make or accept paper versions of just about anything. This morning Amy made a paper bag cat puppet in a matter of minutes, with a quick, easy creativity that knocked my socks off, as her art work often does.

Sarah and I made banana pineapple bread. Normally I don’t like help in the kitchen but when I framed it as an activity we were doing together from start to finish then it felt entirely different. It was fun and easy. She is also much more capable of truly helping than she used to be. Speaking of which, for the past couple of weeks around dinner time she often volunteered to set the table and asked if there was anything else she could do. 

Usually the girls protest and yell when their phone turns or tv turns are done. This week I said that they needed to earn their next day’s turns by being easy/not yelling/thanking me when their turns were done. It took a little bit of coaching, but it seems to be working. I love hearing, “thanks mom!” when they are done.

Imagine you are sleeping and you realize your pet is in the crook of your knees or at the bottom of your bed. Now imagine that you realize it isn’t your pet, but your daughter! That is Sarah’s sleeping area of choice for some of each night, on top of our covers, most often snuggled into the crook of Carl’s knees. It is so ridiculously adorable. 

Yesterday we were inspired by reading the book Chrysanthemum, by Kevin Henkes, to have macaroni and cheese for lunch, chocolate cake for dessert, and to teach the girls to play parcheesi. Carl taught the girls the game and I did the cooking. The cake is seriously one of the best cakes I’ve ever had. I used a recipe from Chocolate Covered Katie. I highly recommend her recipes in general. They are vegan, easy, and delicious. For the frosting I found a recipe for buttercream frosting and just adapted it to be dairy-free. I also made it pink with food coloring. Then Amy used chocolate chips to make a cat face and Sarah added sprinkles to be whiskers. 

My epiphany for the week came after berating myself for not being as good a teacher as I want to be. I realized that I often erroneously confuse room for improvement with not being good enough. Those are not the same thing!! 

Much love to all of you. May you realize that you are good enough to do whatever it is you dream of, even if you are always aspiring to greater heights.

August 19

We have been going to the pool at my office a lot. I feel like a switch got flipped for Sarah recently and she is just wanting to practice her new things all the time. She continues to jump in ever more independently and to practice her floating. There have been a couple of times when she floated for 10 seconds without my helping her. Usually we only make it to about 5 seconds. She also started walking back and forth with her face tipped into the water and blowing bubbles. She spends time jumping in place and doing large leap-like steps that feel like a precursor to swimming. I’m so grateful that we have this pool where we are often the only people in it. Since it is an outdoor pool we have limited time before it closes for the season so I am motivated to go as often as we can.

In general, times at the pool at my office are easy and fun and we all connect well together. The lifeguard doesn’t believe me that I have times of losing my temper. Ah, but I so do. I have started waking Sarah up a bit earlier each day to prepare for her first day of school a week from tomorrow. Her bus pickup is going to be even earlier than last year, so her shoes need to be on at 6:39. She will need to start waking up at 5:39 because she needs about half an hour to transition through her sleep-grumpiness into being awake and ready to eat and get dressed. Friday morning she was very upset about waking up and then about not having her ideal pair of plaid shorts (that we do not own). After that storm passed, largely thanks to Carl and his patience, there was more upset when I said it was time to get dressed so we could go to a new playground. Sarah was stuck on wanting to watch a show. But they had just watched shows, including an extra bonus show. I requested calmly and nicely many times that she get dressed. On the last time she started stomping her foot in anger, which is when I erupted because what the f?! why can’t she just get dressed for something fun when I ask nicely?! (in her defense, many times she actually does). I know I am nearing my period. I am also in the sloppy feeling area of resenting cleaning up after my small housemates, while also wanting to hold onto these days before school starts and hug my girls forever because soon they will be all grown up and moving out, but so help me God I need school to start soon, but oh no, school will mean stressful mornings and keeping track of papers and who needs what for when, but I am so ready to have more time for myself, but why haven’t I just hired more sitters so I would have that? because I wanted the time to feel like a relaxed summer. I wanted all of this time to do things with my beautiful, snuggly, amazing, temper-ridden, loving, children. Argh. So now I write this and my girls fight upstairs. I know I am lucky to have the time and money to be with them. I feel guilty about dreading a long open day, a day where I will feel buried under the mess of the house but also unable to deal with cleaning it but also it is my job, but wait I never signed up to be a maid, but isn’t that part of being a mom, but but but…. Overall the summer really has felt wonderful and I am truly glad to have prioritized having time with the girls. Last summer passed without my feeling like I really got a relaxed summer with them and this time around I rectified that. I also realize that next summer I may need to have a few more times with sitters when I just get out of the house to exercise or get a massage. My body feels like it is falling apart a bit. When the girls are in school and I am working then it is much easier for me to stick with my eating intentions, but with the summer has come more of an abundance of eating out and getting treats. That feels fun and luxurious but I also think my body is ready for less of such things.

Amy and I watched “Bedknobs and Broomsticks.” At one point she asked about some men in kilts, and I explained what they were wearing. When I told her that you never knew if they would be wearing underpants or not, the look on her face was priceless. 

It amazes me how the girls can fit into shoes that apparently are way too small for them. I realized that Sarah might need new uniform shoes, which led to both girls trying on all of their shoes while I checked toes. They each needed new dress shoes, keanes, rain boots, and Sarah needed school sneakers. In most instances, the new items were 2 sizes larger than what they had been wearing! The new shoes look gigantic.

We want to help Sarah be more physically active on a regular basis so we got a jumping castle that fits in our family room. Both girls love it. Sometimes I feel ridiculous and embarrassed by how much play equipment we have. It is largely driven by a desire for Sarah to have what she needs for optimal development without needing to go elsewhere, or to supplement whatever is elsewhere. 

Take the first train to Johnstown and I’ll meet you at the station…

(Extra credit if you get the reference.) The girls went on their first train trip yesterday, to Johnstown and back, with time to explore while we were there. The train was great and they loved it, until the very end of our morning ride when Sarah felt train-sick and her ears were bothering her. I worried that her ear tubes had come out with all of our pool time and that she had an ear infection, but all seems to be well. We went to a Rite-Aid, which then became our home base for a while. They had a nice bathroom, ibuprofen, Sarah-friendly chocolate bars that I insist on buying whether we need them or not because I want stores to carry them, and an entryway with space for us to park our butts. Carl and Amy went to watch the parade in honor of the Johnstown baseball team. Johnstown has been hosting the All-American Amateur Baseball Association national championship of 21-and-under regional teams from around the country for 74 years and this is the first time that the home team has ever won. Sarah and I sat in the entryway of Rite-Aid until she was feeling better and then we all moved on. We had hot dogs for lunch, explored a little park, and took the bus to the Johnstown Children’s Museum. The museum was wonderful and if we had had time we could have stayed much longer. They had an elaborate pretend kitchen that was heaven for Chef/Waitress Sarah. Amy enjoyed sliding down a tube slide as if she was coal that had been mined. She also went fishing and caught magnetic fish while sitting in a small boat. The Johnstown Incline is the steepest in the world. I was glad I could choose a seat where I just looked at the grass on the hill as we went up. Amy thought it was no fun at all but didn’t want to be where the view was more exciting. As with most of our vacations, parts of the day felt really hard. And, as with most of our vacations, by the end I felt good about the whole day and was so glad we did it.

Tomorrow, Amy starts school. I cannot believe she is already a second grader!! 

Love, trains, snuggles, and entryways to park your butts when you need them.

August 12

This week the girls pulled out all the stops…Literally. They took out all of the “Stop" cards from The Cat In The Hat "I Can Do That" game. It has also been a good week overall.

We have been playing regarding Sarah’s allergies with saying “x" or "two thumbs down" or sounding like a buzzer. Sarah especially loves the buzzer sound, giggling so much her words can barely come out. We have been doing this for a long time but I only just thought to write about it.

Amy biked to and from her friend’s house about a mile away (with a grown-up supervising, of course).

Last Sunday, Sarah’s bath happened easily. She didn’t protest about it happening. She got her hair wet almost entirely by herself. She only got upset for a short time when I had to help. 

In general, I am feeling more tuned in to Sarah's protests and that her shutting down is connected to her frustration and feeling like she can’t do something. Why did it take me so long to see that connection?? Sometimes things are so obvious and so elusive!

Piano practice is going well, with each girl doing about 5-10 minutes each morning. Sarah could use coaching but I’m staying out of it. I did notice that I was able to ask her to use individual fingers instead of just playing all of the notes at once. That bit of intervention was acceptable. I think coaching has to be short, sweet, phrased as a question, and with no preamble about helping.

I realized that practicing shoe tying could be the same as with piano practice. I intend to just give her time to work on it independently, although I haven’t yet attempted this. She has tied her shoes successfully many times with her OT but hasn’t wanted to do it at home. I’m remembering our long past potty training success where I didn’t end-gain. We were just hanging out with books and my plaid pjs that she loved and if something happened it happened and if not then not. That was years ago but I think I can learn from it regarding shoes or piano or other skills.

Sarah will be graduating OT after three more sessions because she has achieved the goals that were our main reasons for seeking OT in the first place. The goals had been clear handwriting, coloring shapes in the lines, and tying her shoes.

The girls and I did a few fire drills with different scenarios. For the first one we all went out to the meeting point together. The meeting point is the Turn-Around tree at the end of our block. The next time, Sarah had to open the front door for herself and Amy. I came out a minute later to meet them. For our last one, Sarah had to go out the front by herself and Amy had to go out the back by herself, including going into the alley and checking for traffic. Sarah now loves this new game. Amy is bored with it. We also reviewed all of the neighbors that they could go to if they needed help and how to call 911. One thing I’ve noticed is that Amy really gets anxious about providing a phone number on demand. She knows our cell numbers but when we want to review then she can shut down and start crying. This means we need to practice a lot more. 

Sarah’s pool time has been amazing. At her last lesson she jumped in the pool a fraction of a second before grabbing the hands of teacher. That is tremendous. Then, at the pool at my office, she practiced over and over and over and got even more independent, allowing maybe one whole second to lapse after her jump before grabbing me. She also practiced floating with me holding her head. This is huge that she initiated it and let me help many times. 

Friday morning each girl had a really hard, screamy time (at different times, thankfully). Later, during their time with G., they were calmer, more connected, and more cooperative with each other than they have been in ages (comparing to other times with G.) 

We have Grammy and Granddad visiting at the moment. It is fun to see how much the girls want to share with them. Sarah has been reading many Elephant and Piggie books to Granddad. Amy has been playing hopscotch and making Valentines with Grammy. Grammy and Granddad also brought a treasure for me: old flashcards and papers from when I was in middle school. There are even a few yearbooks. Most of the papers will go in the recycling because I really don’t need my math notes from 8th grade. I do want my 6th grade report on South Dakota and my advertisement of the word “zeal.” I am also going to keep my huge stack of flashcards from 8th grade Language Arts. If we got 100 on one of our spelling tests (tests that included writing the word, the part of speech, and using it in a sentence), then we got into a special lunch bunch group. At the end of the year our teacher took this small group of us to lunch. I worked hard at learning those words. I can still hear my teacher’s voice saying, “legerdemain.” The rest I think I may need to go through now to boost my vocabulary! 

May the elusive become obvious, and may your legerdemain be skillful when you need it.

August 5

Sometimes something can be staring you in the face for a long time before you realize it. Sarah took, and continues to take, guidance for her speaking incredibly, astoundingly, amazingly, mind-bogglingly well. This is not the case for other skills. When I try to guide her regarding piano practice or other physical skills she instantly gets frustrated, doesn’t want to listen or watch, and wants to be done. Huh. Why did it take me so long to realize the dichotomy? I mean, I have known for a long time that she takes instruction better from others than from me (except when it came to learning to speak or read). So now I get to ponder if it is how I approach it? Did I approach speech very differently? more relaxedly? more simply? with more celebration? with less end-gaining? probably. For now I realize it is best to let her practice piano however it happens and let all of the guidance come from her teacher. 

We went to Kennywood with the wonderful help of our sitter E. Many parts of the day were good. Many were frustrating. The most frustrating moment that had me close to tears was coupled with a small miracle. They have an awesome climbing play structure in the new Thomas the Tank section of the park. You must be 2-12 years old. You must have socks. It is the SUMMER. Many kids do not wear socks in the SUMMER. They have a store connected to the play area. It sells socks. For toddlers. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is a person stationed at the start of the play structure whose sole purpose seems to be policing socks or the lack thereof. Amy did not have socks and was super upset. When Sarah came out for a moment I told her that we were truly forlorn, distraught, dismayed, disheartened, and down in the dumps because of the sock situation. I asked if she would be willing to let Amy wear her socks for 5 minutes to take a turn. She said yes!! This is a small miracle because Sarah really really prefers wearing socks, except at the pool or beach. I would go so far as to call it a sensory need. I celebrated Sarah hugely and did as many sad faces and snuzzles against her shirt as she wanted.

We went to Randyland for the first time. It is an artist’s backyard that is open to the public. The girls loved the old rocking/spring horse toys and the old phones. Sarah seems fascinated by the fact that I used to talk on the phone in the kitchen.

Thursday night Sarah had another seizure and this time I can’t blame it on any new supplements. It happened when she was asleep, just as it has in the past. This time I didn’t witness any part of it, but I heard her screaming and crying which she normally doesn’t do in the night, no matter how many times she may get up or call for us. I thought maybe she had a nightmare. She was oddly positioned in her bed and when I invited her to come to my bed she couldn’t move herself normally. As I attempted to help her it was like moving a large rag doll. I knew then that it must have been a seizure. I hoped she would fall asleep easily as she had after the one in June. Instead we spent about four hours alternately lying down for a couple of minutes and then sitting up with me holding a bucket or a towel in case she puked. Sometimes she would ask for water and I would get it for her. Sometimes she said “ow, ow, ow, my head hurts.”  She normally never says her head hurts. I started questioning myself for keeping her home but I also thought a hospital wouldn’t help much, especially with sleep. Plus, it was the middle of the night and Carl was out of town. Eventually, Sarah did throw up and then I gave her Advil. She made it 15 minutes before being sick again but I think that was enough for the Advil to start helping her head because then at 3:30am we were able to sleep. When she got up 4 hours later she was back to herself and feeling good. Now we have to think about if it is time for a regular anti-seizure medicine or if they are still rare enough to just cross our fingers and hope. Her misery after it happened makes me not want to have a recurrence. A side note is that Amy was wonderful in the night. She went to get the puke bucket (aka our salad spinner; don’t worry, we wash it well!), got Sarah a stuffed animal, and snuggled next to me supportively for a few minutes before I said it would be ok if she wanted to be in her bed so she could actually sleep. 

With some parts of my life I find I am often resisting them as if astounded and offended that I need to do them at all (constant dishes, laundry, cleaning the house in general, mail, etc). Sometimes I feel this with parenting moments, especially if I have the audacity to attempt to do my own thing. I know these days I do actually get to do my own thing a heck of a lot, but that doesn’t seem to change the outrage if it feels like I can’t. 

As the end of summer approaches I am both sad at the prospect that our relaxed days will end and also cannot wait for these $*(%! never ending days to be over. I love the relaxed mornings and our fun adventures. I can also feel like I will lose my mind and can’t stand another long day of just the girls and me. Then I remind myself that in a few years they won’t want to spend so much time with me or snuggle and that I should hold onto these moments as hard as I can. Then they fight and Sarah doesn’t listen when I tell her something 5 times nicely and then I’m a yelling, screaming mess who can’t take one more second of this. So it goes, around and around the ferris wheel of our experiences. I guess the good thing is that most of the ride is actually wonderful and we recover quickly from our upsets. Yesterday Sarah and I were really screaming at each other regarding a smoothy and needing to wait a couple of minutes. It was not my finest moment, nor hers, but then we quickly regrouped and enjoyed our smoothies, popcorn, cold s’mores, and apple slices for our picnic in the living room. 

I’ve been reading a book, Teaching by Hand, Learning by Heart, by Bruce Fertman. He was one of my teachers that taught me to be an Alexander Technique teacher. This book is so beautiful I both want to devour it all at once and go slowly to savor it. I know I will read it repeatedly. There is so much wisdom and poignant beauty in it, helping me understand even more how I want to be.

Yesterday I bought myself a new mug when we went to the Mattress Factory. I have a lot of mugs already. Too many. I have beautiful mugs that I love and because I don’t want to part with any of them I often tell myself no when I see new and beautiful mugs. Yesterday I thought maybe that is not how I want to continue. Why do I tell myself my quota is already full? It reminds me of when I was little and I would save all of my favorite coloring book pages, not coloring them because I thought I would do so later. But that later never came because then I stopped coloring in those books, outgrowing the desire before coloring the best pages. 

May you get to do your own thing, may you be able to chuckle at the moments when you feel affronted by the mundane requirements of life, and may you have sweet moments with your loved ones. And may you have socks when you need them!