July 22

Parenting is hard. Luckily there are moments that fill my heart so much it hurts with joy. 

This week I have really struggled sometimes regarding Sarah. She so often ignores what I say, purposefully continuing with what I have said not to do. I know that kids do this, but Sarah does it waaaaaaaaaaaaay more than Amy does. Sarah also does it with things related to safety and that is when I really tend to lose it. A small example is when she was holding her shoes in her hands and pressing the soles to her face. I said not to do it. She asked why and I explained. She continued to do it and the situation escalated until I screamed at her and then she stopped. Last weekend Sarah touched the waffle maker before it was cool and burned her finger. She was understandably quite upset and cried for a while. This weekend we reviewed the rules about not touching the waffle maker unless she checked first with a grown-up. Time passed. Luckily it was cool when she touched it, but we saw her do it and so reprimanded her for it. In her frustration she then pressed her chin to it, because that is her sensory pressure of choice when happy or upset. Since it was no longer hot this was ok and safe but we were so frustrated that she would do such a potentially dangerous action. In my head sometimes lately I want to scream at her, “what is wrong with you?!?!” While it often can feel like I have no self control regarding yelling at her, I do restrain myself a lot and I never do ask what is wrong with her. That crosses a line that I hope never to cross. It still feels reprehensible to even think it or feel it at all. This paragraph feels like picking up the rock that is my parenting and showing you the underside, crawling with worms and bugs.

Now for the view from the top of the rock, worms and bugs safely hidden…This week had a lot of wonderful and amazing moments where I really enjoyed my time with the girls, marveled at their progress, and couldn’t believe my good fortune that these beings exist and are mine.

Sarah and I had a wonderful SR session where she started pretending to bake a cake from the book Thundercake and we talked about each step and sang “Happy Birthday” after she put in the requisite number of pretend candles. She let me sing an alternate birthday song too. The whole thing felt connected and her eye contact was sparkly and joyful.

We went to a splash park playground one day and a fountain play area another day. We went to Idlewild with the help of our sitter E. Sarah spent hours, yes hours, in the ball pit. Amy tried the ball pit and was furious that it wasn’t fun and that she couldn’t move through the balls with the same ease she has in our home ball pit. She ended up doing several other things that were fun, but the beginning was rough. Hell hath no fury like an Amy who expected fun and was disappointed.

The girls wanted to camp on the living room floor so I used long plastic rods balanced on the chairs and couch and covered with sheets. They loved it.

I took them grocery shopping with me for a real-sized grocery list instead of just two things. They did wonderfully. I was pleasantly surprised. 

Sarah and I walked to a cafe that I used to think might be too far away for her. She did beautifully. She kept a faster and steadier pace than usual and with much less pausing than usual. We had an easy time together.

Carl, Sarah, and Amy played a game together where they took turns with who was the doctor, nurse, and patient. Apparently during one turn someone ate orange bamboo and got sick.

I have been feeling incredibly grateful for our crew of sitters and SR volunteers. It is amazing to have so many individuals who are so creative and loving towards all of us. Our lives are so much better because of them. Each and every one is unique and stunningly wonderful. I love that the girls love them so much. There was one day this week when we didn’t have a sitter or volunteer coming and Amy was disappointed, wondering why I hadn’t arranged something!

There were some playdates here this week, one with neighborhood kids and one with two of Amy’s friends from preschool. I marvel at our amazing neighborhood community, where multiple kids come over asking if Amy and Sarah can play. They seek to include Sarah often. They are comfortable with who she is. They teach her games on their phones. When Amy’s preschool friends were here, Sarah didn’t join them much, but when she did it was more harmonious than it has been in the past. Maybe everyone is getting older or maybe it was just luck. I realize that with both playdate situations this is exactly the thing that can help Sarah be more comfortable with peers. The kids mainly come to play with Amy but then Sarah ends up being immersed in play dates and immersed in peer contact with kids that are super familiar. With Amy, Sarah can so easily play and engage and join in activities. With other kids that usually doesn’t happen, but maybe it can start, especially with the small neighborhood crew. I love realizing that we are already in the situation we need.

Thanks to Sc, Sarah learned a new word to add to her repertoire regarding sadness. Last night she giggled and smiled while telling us she was feeling forlorn. This was right after she donned her sitter C’s shoes and was saying she was a clown with a red nose and clown shoes. We were all truly laughing and enjoying her humor. I was almost in tears with laughing at her use of “forlorn."

The biggest highlight of the week was Amy riding her bike by herself with pedals and no training wheels! It has been a long time since she rode her balance bike or her training wheel bike. Carl took her out yesterday and in short order she was an independent biker. Amazing. She sang a song that just makes the whole thing so quintessentially Amy. The song lyrics are, “I’m riding my bi-ike, all by myse-elf, with my pedals, whoa-o-o-o.” Carl recorded her and I have watched the clip countless times. This is one of those moments where my heart is so full of joy it feels like it may break.

Remember that there are two sides to your rock.