May 27

The past couple of days have felt difficult, which is interesting as I look at the earlier part of the week which felt full of exciting things. The exciting things…

There was one morning when Sarah took off her pajamas without being told to. She proceeded to get ready for school easily with no difficulty or protest at all.  

There was one night when Sarah read Olivia the Spy by Ian Falconer out loud by herself, having never seen it before. She said most of the words clearly enough that I understood them, which is rarely the case when reading out loud. Side note: All Olivia books by Ian Falconer are artistic, wonderful books of genius. Olivia books written by others are just ok. 

I received a note from one of the people who has seen Sarah at her school periodically since she began her time there 2 years ago: 

"Just wanted to share some thoughts/observations on Sarah - I was there all day yesterday, and it suddenly struck me - how FAR she has come recently! Her
mannerisms, her attention to task, her general demeanor... Just this year, these past few months, she has progressed dramatically! Sarah is calmer. Interrupts less. Seems not at all stressed. Follows directions MUCH better. Seems more “mature,” ... in her actions, words, responses, manner. She seems to stand up straighter! Taller! more confident!! She is stimming less! She is giving eye contact, and responding to questions more appropriately! The way she walks across the room seems more stable, sturdy, assured! She seems so much more aware of her surroundings!!!!!!” - L.G.

Part of me thinks I should end the update here, but you know that’s not how I do things. Friday was rough! Sarah was extra screamy in the morning about things she hasn’t been screamy about in ages. Thursday night she fell out of my bed (very unusual but the second time this week) and bumped her nose somehow so that she had pink marks on the bridge of her nose and had a slight bloody nose. I don’t know if this predisposed her to have a harder time Friday morning or not. Friday afternoon she also had an extremely difficult screamy time because she couldn’t find her plaid shorts that she had put in the wrong drawer the night before. I hadn’t been with her the previous night at bedtime so I had no idea where they were. Looking for things has never been her forte. When G. arrived for his SR time with her she was a screaming ball of upsetness. I was trying not to cry or scream. I did find them and the rest of the day was ok. 

We are now in this long holiday weekend, just the girls and me. I thought an outing to Target for new undies and flip-flops would be relatively easy. It was, except for Amy’s upset about how hard it was to choose which things to get and that they didn’t have flip-flops she liked so we need to keep searching. I’ve been really struggling in general with how to allow Amy to have her feelings and not punish her for being upset, but also how to somehow teach her to be more appreciative of what she has received. After Target, we went to gymnastics. For the past several weeks this has been Carl’s realm. As helpers, we aren’t even really needed. I felt more useless than usual. That was ok. There was a moment in the beginning when Sarah went to the bathroom. As she walked back toward the big group doing the warm-up she said, “I’m back.” But she was too far away for anyone to hear. Maybe she didn’t expect a response. Maybe she didn’t notice that there wasn’t one. Maybe it was all fine. But in that moment of watching her earnestness my heart just broke.

The rest of the day was ok, but I was just so tired. I have been feeling so tired for a few days. And more emotionally struggly. Whatever magical time I inhabited for a few weeks of keeping my house clean feels like a distant memory of something I will never again achieve. I know it is because my period is coming. It can feel like a storm brewing and I’m just wanting the storm to break so my barometric pressure can return to normal.  

Now to end with another wonderful thing…I love our neighborhood. I love the neighborhood group of kids and how well they all play together. I love that they often seek to include Sarah. I love that they all know Sarah and who she is and how she is and that that is ok. This is also a testament to the wonderful parents/grandparents of all of these children. I just feel so lucky about where we live. Part of what helped us get through a lot of yesterday easily was that one of Amy's friends from the neighborhood came over. Having someone for Amy to play with often means that she and Sarah fight less. It is a new thing for Amy to be allowed to just go out and cross the alley by herself. The rules for Sarah are more restrictive. What impressed me immensely yesterday was that Amy and her friend were playing in the alley when Sarah came to find me to ask if she could join them. I still want to supervise Sarah when she is in the alley so I went out too. They started running races. Sarah usually started running when the others were half-way done, but still. I love that Sarah wanted to be part of it. 

A friend recently reminded me to just do today. I don’t need to do anything else. So, here’s to today.