April 29

The fort built with the help of one of our sitters, A., is still mostly intact. Every night the girls read together in their reading nook before going to sleep in their sleeping bags. Last night I sat with them while Amy read to Sarah and Sarah chimed in with certain lines that she loved. It was so adorable. The books are all Elephant and Piggie books by Mo Willems and the piles include all of such books that have been written. We do love Mo.

Thursday was Take your Kids to Work Day and both girls went with Carl to his work and did lots of fun kid activities. Sarah’s egg survived the egg drop, and Amy made toothpaste for Elephant Gerald (Mo Willems). I picked them up at noon so we had much more time together than usual. I had promised art projects. I had promised glitter. (As the moment approached I wondered what I had been thinking!) Glue and glitter were used. Stamps were used. Sidewalk chalk paint was used. Messes were made. Messes were cleaned. A bathtub was needed. A good time was had. 

During my SR time thursday (after all of the art) I wasn’t feeling it. I hadn’t been feeling much of a loving connection to Sarah for a couple days. Most of the time we interacted I was frustrated or mad. So I felt glum in the SR room. I told her I felt down in the dumps for real. She was concerned and sweet. She hugged me and kissed me and read a book to me. Somehow allowing myself to actually wallow at the bottom then allowed me the freedom to move on, whereas trying to force myself to move forward without hitting the bottom of glum wasn’t working.  

I’ve been keeping the house clean. For those of you that have seen my house on a regular basis, you know this is a miracle. It started with a decision two weeks ago to keep the kitchen and dining room clean all the time. Somehow that led to keeping up with laundry and keeping most rooms neat most of the time. I don’t think I’m working harder or more than before. In some ways I’m working less and I don’t feel weighed down by the mess (unless I go in the basement. Baby steps here). It does mean giving myself the nudge to unpack all bags as soon as we enter the house and to wash dishes as soon as I can. I’m really hoping I can keep this going even past writing about it. Sometimes writing about something, whether good or bad, means I move on to something else. But I would really like this to be my new way of being. 

I’ve also been eating differently. Normally I really don’t like feeling hungry and can get sort of panicky about it. About two weeks ago, mirroring the change in keeping the house neat, I decided that I could allow myself to be hungry between meals and that it wouldn’t be a disaster. I still have snacks but they are fruits and veggies. I’m eating healthier food overall with less sugar and chocolate than have been my wont. Again, I hope I can keep this going even after sharing about it.

Amy has begun playing Catopoly with anyone who wants to play. The money colors have changed from my old Monopoly game. I didn’t realize how ingrained my color associations were until someone messed with them! The property colors are changed around too. What?! It is fun to play, and Amy was totally beating me yesterday. I kept ending up in the water (instead of jail) and she kept getting the free catnip (instead of free parking).

The girls played the Cat in the Hat game together yesterday better than they’ve ever played it. Sarah was using the timer correctly. She was saying when time was up. She was telling Amy when she accomplished her task. This continues to amaze me even when it isn’t new. When other kids are over Sarah is still fairly disconnected from their play, but when it is just Amy then Sarah can really thrive and build her connection/game-playing muscles.

Yesterday I had an incredible Alexander Technique lesson. My teacher helped me notice my habits with my right leg, especially pertaining to my hip, which is sort of chronically not-quite-comfortable for some parts of every day. Now I am aware of all the tiny pulling-in habits I have that take away my space and freedom. It is exciting and also feels so new I don’t know how to operate my leg. My pulling in and tightening are somehow synonymous with my Jennydom and so changing them means I don’t quite know how to be. This feels life changing and not just because of the possibility of reducing pain. To let go of my muscular habits means possibly letting go of some mental and emotional habits of how I move through the world. No biggie.