April 29

The fort built with the help of one of our sitters, A., is still mostly intact. Every night the girls read together in their reading nook before going to sleep in their sleeping bags. Last night I sat with them while Amy read to Sarah and Sarah chimed in with certain lines that she loved. It was so adorable. The books are all Elephant and Piggie books by Mo Willems and the piles include all of such books that have been written. We do love Mo.

Thursday was Take your Kids to Work Day and both girls went with Carl to his work and did lots of fun kid activities. Sarah’s egg survived the egg drop, and Amy made toothpaste for Elephant Gerald (Mo Willems). I picked them up at noon so we had much more time together than usual. I had promised art projects. I had promised glitter. (As the moment approached I wondered what I had been thinking!) Glue and glitter were used. Stamps were used. Sidewalk chalk paint was used. Messes were made. Messes were cleaned. A bathtub was needed. A good time was had. 

During my SR time thursday (after all of the art) I wasn’t feeling it. I hadn’t been feeling much of a loving connection to Sarah for a couple days. Most of the time we interacted I was frustrated or mad. So I felt glum in the SR room. I told her I felt down in the dumps for real. She was concerned and sweet. She hugged me and kissed me and read a book to me. Somehow allowing myself to actually wallow at the bottom then allowed me the freedom to move on, whereas trying to force myself to move forward without hitting the bottom of glum wasn’t working.  

I’ve been keeping the house clean. For those of you that have seen my house on a regular basis, you know this is a miracle. It started with a decision two weeks ago to keep the kitchen and dining room clean all the time. Somehow that led to keeping up with laundry and keeping most rooms neat most of the time. I don’t think I’m working harder or more than before. In some ways I’m working less and I don’t feel weighed down by the mess (unless I go in the basement. Baby steps here). It does mean giving myself the nudge to unpack all bags as soon as we enter the house and to wash dishes as soon as I can. I’m really hoping I can keep this going even past writing about it. Sometimes writing about something, whether good or bad, means I move on to something else. But I would really like this to be my new way of being. 

I’ve also been eating differently. Normally I really don’t like feeling hungry and can get sort of panicky about it. About two weeks ago, mirroring the change in keeping the house neat, I decided that I could allow myself to be hungry between meals and that it wouldn’t be a disaster. I still have snacks but they are fruits and veggies. I’m eating healthier food overall with less sugar and chocolate than have been my wont. Again, I hope I can keep this going even after sharing about it.

Amy has begun playing Catopoly with anyone who wants to play. The money colors have changed from my old Monopoly game. I didn’t realize how ingrained my color associations were until someone messed with them! The property colors are changed around too. What?! It is fun to play, and Amy was totally beating me yesterday. I kept ending up in the water (instead of jail) and she kept getting the free catnip (instead of free parking).

The girls played the Cat in the Hat game together yesterday better than they’ve ever played it. Sarah was using the timer correctly. She was saying when time was up. She was telling Amy when she accomplished her task. This continues to amaze me even when it isn’t new. When other kids are over Sarah is still fairly disconnected from their play, but when it is just Amy then Sarah can really thrive and build her connection/game-playing muscles.

Yesterday I had an incredible Alexander Technique lesson. My teacher helped me notice my habits with my right leg, especially pertaining to my hip, which is sort of chronically not-quite-comfortable for some parts of every day. Now I am aware of all the tiny pulling-in habits I have that take away my space and freedom. It is exciting and also feels so new I don’t know how to operate my leg. My pulling in and tightening are somehow synonymous with my Jennydom and so changing them means I don’t quite know how to be. This feels life changing and not just because of the possibility of reducing pain. To let go of my muscular habits means possibly letting go of some mental and emotional habits of how I move through the world. No biggie. 

April 22

One night the girls performed a concert and play for us, largely dictated by Amy. Sarah participated as the bus driver and said her lines when Amy prompted her to with a snap. Before Amy snapped Sarah popped her head out of the tent bus and said “Amy your bus is here!” That was hilarious. Amy made them do the scene again though because Sarah was supposed to wait for the snap and then she was supposed to say “beep beep! Amy your busy is here!” That was achieved and Amy gave Sarah further instructions about what lines to say. Overall this was adorable and from the level of how far we have come it is just knock-your-socks off amazing.

Carl helped the girls make a pretend Uber. Sarah pretended to drive them around. She got a flat tire and ran out of gas so had to fix both situations but was still a five star driver, sometimes named Sarah and other times Ryan. I do recommend caution, though, before hiring her because she seems to get flats and empty gas tanks every time she drives. 

We had a sitter last night who let Sarah help make scrambled eggs, including breaking the eggs. I often don’t want help or the girls are busy doing something else so I haven’t given either a ton of egg-cracking practice. I’m so glad A let Sarah help.

Friday night we skipped swim lessons so the girls could go to Earth Night at Amy’s school. I’m not exactly sure why events there feel so stressful for me if we don’t have both parents. Carl was going to meet us there. I could have waited until he was home and we could have all gone together. Note to self: next time, WAIT. I somehow thought things would feel easier this time because the girls were a bit older. Probably it would have been fine if I didn’t have eyes on both at all times. Internally I felt so tight and tense and I just kept telling myself to breathe. The tricky thing is that Sarah really just wants to play on a particular set of stairs so if we aren’t on them she will just leave my side, which I panic about. I could trust she would be on the stairs and not watch her every second, but the thing that concerns me is that she leaves my side without saying anything. I could also trust that Amy knows her way around enough to be ok, even though it isn’t her building. I could further trust that there are lots of people who know Amy and could help if she needed it. And that Sarah probably wouldn’t leave the event all together. But my internal mama-bear lizard brain just becomes extra vigilant and panicked when it is just me looking after two. The part that feels frustrating and ridiculous is that I still chose to put myself in that situation instead of just waiting. Well, some lessons take a while to learn.

Saturday we went to the CMU spring carnival and that felt relatively easy and fun. Part of that is because we had both of us so it was ok if the girls wanted to do different things. The other part is that Sarah just wanted to be in the bouncy house the entire time, aside from snack breaks. I didn’t worry about her wandering off, at least not once we were established at the bouncy house. The girls bounced for hours. Truly, hours.

As I walked Sarah out to the bus one morning I said, “I hope you have a great day.” She said, “I will.” I said, “I love you very much.” She replied, “to the moon and back.” This kind of exchange still amazes me and melts my heart. What I don’t know is whether she was saying she loves me to the moon and back or whether she was saying my line. She often says what she wants or expects someone else to say. Either way, my heart is full. If she knows I love her to the moon and back that is just as wonderful as if she feels that way about me. I suspect both are true.

April 15

Yesterday was a glorious spring day, almost summery in its warmth. We had a picnic in our tree house. The girls had a friend come over, and they played together in a sprinkler octopus brought by the friend. We cleaned the deck and decided to give away some large kid items that were cluttering the space and no longer being used. We ended the day with dinner outside, a fire in the fire pit, and making s’mores. Such a perfect day! I also went through some of the paint cans that we inherited when we bought the house or that we brought with us from our old house. Ugh. I only made it half way through. Most of it is crap and there are several cans of latex paint now open and drying. I also left a message for a hazardous waste disposal place because we have some items that need such safe disposal. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I have been putting this task off for a very long time. I’m glad to have finally taken some action but, UGH.

Last weekend Sarah came over to me and said, “Yes, I am looking hilarious!” She looked normal to me. Then she revealed that she was wearing my plaid undies instead of her own undies. Yes, indeed. She is hilarious. I love how she tells on herself about such things.

Amy had her annual eye exam and Sarah was there too. They had the best time waiting and didn’t want to leave when it was over. They loved trying on all of the different pairs of kids’ glasses. Amy also enjoyed wearing the little lab coat and pretending to give an eye exam to a stuffed animal.

Overall, Sarah’s handwriting is much improved. Such things are always on such a continuum that it isn’t as if one day it was bad and one day it was good. But I will say that it used to be much harder to read and now it is much clearer on many occasions. Sometimes when Amy sees some of Sarah’s current school work she is amazed and says how proud she is of Sarah. I love that.

During my SR time with Sarah, she told me that next year she would be in third grade. We had been waiting to tell her that this wouldn’t be the case. I had no plans to tell her at that moment but I did because I didn’t want to lie. Next year she will actually move up to fourth grade. For many years I made decisions to keep Sarah with her developmental peers rather than her age peers. I think this worked out well. But now she is physically developing beyond her developmental peers (who are actually developmentally ahead anyway). If she were to continue without skipping a grade then she would be too old at the end of her school career and wouldn’t be allowed to finish high school. By having her skip a grade, that fixes the problem. Not only will she be allowed to finish high school, she will also be able to attend a university program for a year. If we move her up again in the future then she could have two years in the university program (run by the St. Anthony’s Program the she is in now). We are just skipping one grade at this time so that the changes for her are minimal. She will join a new neurotypical class but her resource room teachers and classmates will be the same as she has had last year and this year. She took the news completely in stride, as if I was just correcting her pronunciation of something. As I wrote this I realized that I better tell Amy too. She also took it easily in stride, but we did talk much more about why. Then she came downstairs and asked Sarah what grade she would be in next year. This all went so smoothly! With so many things about Sarah, I feel like to explain it to Amy all I have to do is present it as normal and ok, and to truly feel that way, which I guess I do. I just explain how people learn at different speeds and Sarah needs more time and help with most things, whereas Amy tends to get things easily and quickly. There’s no value judgement placed on one being better than the other and I feel like Amy really gets that. There may be many things I wish I did differently, but at least with talking to Amy about Sarah I feel pretty good about how I’ve handled it thus far.

Now, as for things that I wish I maybe handled differently… this was actually a completely hilarious moment. We were all having dinner and Amy asked something to which my answer was “a couple.” She asked how many that meant. I said, “Two. Just like a couple of people. Dad and I are a couple.” Then my brain continued thinking and I said, “Oh! Like a coupling.” I was thinking of inanimate objects linking. I was! But Amy asked what I meant and then suddenly I was blushing furiously and wanting the table to swallow me. I was trying hard not to collapse in a fit of laughter. Carl pointed out that he had kept his thought inside his head! Amy asked a couple (ahem) more times what I meant and what I was laughing about. Luckily then Sarah did something and the subject shifted. I was saved! I know at some point I will need to have such conversations with them, but I would prefer not to have it be over the dinner table!

April 8

I started wearing an old coat that I haven’t really worn for years. It is long and black and I used to wear it all the time. When I resuscitate a piece of my old clothing it feels like an inner part of the essential me sits up gasping for air and I realize how long it has been forgotten. It feels wonderful and awkward in equal measure. Am I still who I was? Is this still a me I can enjoy being in the world? Or is it now foreign to feel young and flamboyant? Perhaps those are odd questions to ask when I’ve barely cleared 41. But that is miles from where I was when I first bought the coat. This is not really about the coat, and it is also completely really specifically about the coat. It is about how I express myself and who that self is and how I’ve changed and how I haven’t. I note the missing button, sitting somewhere in a drawer, and a loose button I avoid fixing. Some parts of me never change.

Early yesterday morning Amy had two teeth extracted. She was really nervous about the whole thing so I had a pill to give her when we left home to help her relax. She had to fast before the extraction so the pill worked fast. By the time we got to the oral surgeon’s office, Amy was wobbly on her legs. At first I thought it was just her way of trying to avoid going. Then I realized she really was wobbly, and then she was seeing things doubly. She was a very tired cat as we cuddled in the waiting room. I was allowed to stay with her through the whole procedure, and I was very impressed with the doctor and support staff. Amy was given laughing gas and I made silly faces to help her relax further while it took effect. In the recovery room, she told me that she had a dream where she was on a cloud and I was there making faces at her to make her laugh. She was a very unhappy poor sweet baby for a little while, but by the afternoon she was back to herself and even attended a birthday party. If I didn’t know she had had surgery I would never have guessed. 

Carl and the girls made an extensive pretend bus in the family room yesterday while I was taking a class. There is a door frame made from the plastic pieces usually used to frame our ball pit. Dining room chairs form the entry platform and our step stool provides the steps to enter the bus. There is a label at the top, attached to the sheet roof, that says 61B. 1. This is totally amazing. Carl continually amazes me in so many ways as he moves through parenting and life, especially given the temper levels that can be reached by the rest of us. 2. Having large structures built from sheets and chairs and various bits of paper happens routinely in this house. It wasn’t long ago that the girls made a hot air balloon with Sc, complete with pictures of birds, butterflies, and clouds taped to the sheets and strewn about the room. I adore the creativity of the people who enter my house. Also, if I am completely honest, it is something I have no interest in doing myself and am happy to let it be what others do. I’m sure I could get energized about it if I put my mind to it and started, but that isn’t where my energy has been for a while.

Sarah’s OT has been working with her on tying shoes and she is really getting it! This is not something she does yet at home because we don’t have special dual color laces with tape in specific spots. I also don’t ask her to do it because when she needs to wear shoes that tie she also needs to be ready for the bus, and I have no patience for anything that might take extra time. As with building elaborate structures, I love being able to outsource certain things.

I’ve been more aware than usual of the direct connection between when I feel stressed regarding the kids and when I want to eat chocolate. Unsurprisingly, Sarah saves certain behaviors especially for me. One of her specials is that if I ask her to do something she says no and/or whines, yells, and/or asks why. When other people ask her to do things she will just do them, or at least that is my perception of things. I have not handled this well this week regarding leaving the house to get Amy from school. One day I even yelled enough that my throat was scratchy afterwards. I hate feeling embarrassed about my parenting self, and I’ve felt that several times this week. Pass the chocolate.

I really really really love my work. I love the peaceful focus that I can have. I also really love teaching. For some of my students, all I have to do by the end of my time with them is look at them, and they become more aware of how they are using their body. With one we joked that he could just have a picture of me in his office. I took a picture of myself giving him the stink eye and framed it for his graduation present. The girls thought the picture was hilarious.

April 1

The Evolution of a Disney Vacation

Several months ago... Lots of our friends and family love Disney and take their kids often. Maybe we should do it too before our kids get too old for it to seem magical. 

A few weeks ago...this is exciting knowing we are taking the girls to Disney World but they don’t yet know!

Tuesday afternoon...Girls! Guess where we are going tomorrow? (Handed them drink bottles with Mickey/Minnie heads and told them the drinks were a clue. Amy guessed it. Then she was worried that she didn’t know how to pack because she didn’t know what the weather would be.) Ok! Let’s pack! This is exciting!

Wednesday after the plane ride, on the bus to our hotel...what have I done?! Why did I think this would be a good idea? I am already overwhelmed and we haven’t begun. Why do people do this? What was I thinking?!?!

Wednesday after managing food and the pool and food and seeing baby ducks that came right up to our seats, and seeing fireworks from our friends’ room...ok this was ok. We made it. I’m glad we didn’t try anything beyond the hotel today. I still think this may have been a terrible idea overall. 

Thursday arriving at the Magic Kingdom and Sarah having a huge meltdown within the first ten minutes, screaming that she wanted to return to the hotel...really, what the &@#%*~<! was I thinking? I am so stupid. 

Thursday following three injuries (one of which required a trip to First Aid), the Dumbo ride, stroller rental, ice cream including a non-dairy option, hot dogs in the shade while watching an amazing parade, the Ariel ride, a splash park and wet kids, snacks and tv and napping in our room, pool time, and successful dinner navigation...Well, this was rough and there was a lot of whining but we made it and there were even some good parts. (I marveled early on when we took a selfie and looked happy because I felt mostly anything but!)

Friday after less whining and some more rides and more food and more pool time... I can begin to understand why people do this. This is sort of a nice thing. It is crazy crowded and crazy thematic but that is part of the experience. Where else will you find half of the population wearing mouse ears or princess dresses or matching family shirts? Also, renting a stroller was the best idea ever. 

Saturday after going to Epcot, doing two rides, having a fun lunch in the little version of Germany that included music and a dance floor that the girls loved, one last pool time, and tv/phone use with dinner in the room in pajamas...Oh, now I’m a little sad to be leaving. I’m starting to understand how to do our days, though needing to feed my children chocolate every hour or two is ridiculous even if effective. I’m also ready to go home, though a little worried about the trip home and then knowing I will be stressed about getting ready for Monday. School and work are right there waiting when we return. This has been an experience. I’m glad we did it. I maybe wish we had waited a couple of years. I maybe wish we picked a less busy time of year. It was awesome to be here when our friends were here too. I might consider doing this again. The disability pass was wonderful. We only used it twice but it made it possible to do rides we otherwise couldn’t have done. I love that Amy didn’t understand why Sarah got a special pass. I love that when I explained that it was for people who need extra help in their life she easily accepted that. I love that she just sees Sarah as Sarah, if that makes sense. 

There were moments of this trip when I was more mad at my kids than I have been in a while. They also filled my heart. As Carl said, being here didn’t change who we are. It accentuated it, for good and ill. Well, we survived and we even had a good time. But I think this was more of a trip than a vacation. 

The summer after Carl and I finished college, we drove around the country for seven weeks in a car that had intermittent air conditioning. We figured that if we could handle that we could handle anything. Some people renew their vows. We renewed our “if we can handle this....”