November 12

The second piano lesson for the girls went beautifully. Each girl had about twenty minutes individually and then they shared an activity at the end. I seriously cannot imagine a more perfect teacher for beginning piano students. The girls practiced what they had done once but haven’t wanted to since then and I am hesitant to push anything.

Swim lessons went well too. This was the first week of both girls being minnows, although I think Amy will move to the next level soon. She was doing all sorts of new things or the usual things but more independently and confidently. Sarah floated independently for about ten seconds but the rest of the time she wanted to hold on to the teacher while floating. Hilariously, when he told her to dip her head in the water including her eyes, she angled her head so as to only dip one eye.

I can’t think of much else for the girls. Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop are visiting and there have been some lovely and sweet times with them, but Sarah has also just been having a rough couple of days with lots of screaming and whining. I don’t know if this is because she is getting sick again or something else. Part of me wonders if she is being my canary and just expressing my struggles because I’m certainly not in top form this week due to headaches.

Every time I think I have something figured out about my headaches I am proven wrong. I know nothing. Or I know a lot but it is a moving target and what works one night might not work the next. I have had at least three nights with a terrible headache in the middle of the night that lasts an hour or two and then finally I can sleep more, and then I wake with another one. Then I have a headache hangover for some of the day. Then I feel scared to go to bed at night because it feels like ushering in my doom. What might seem ridiculous is that I have a bottle of Verapamil here. I could start it any night. It would take a few days to get into my system enough to make a difference but then it would and the headaches would go away. Then I would feel frustrated that I don’t actually seem to be capable of going without meds. Not that I think I am supposed to withstand the pain, but I had really hoped that I had figured out a way to not have the pain at all. This is twice within the past year that I have gotten off of the meds and then the headaches came back within a month or two, usually following being sick. When I first got the clusters in college they lasted about 4-6 weeks and then would be done. That was the way of it for many years so I could sort of handle the horribleness because 1) for a while I didn’t know there was an alternative and 2) I knew it would end. For the past handful of years the clusters haven’t ended and any given headache can last much longer than they used to, which is why now I am said to be chronic and with migraine tendencies (the duration). I am waiting for the paperwork from my doctor to try a new thing called Gamma Core. It is an external, hand-held device that can be used to stimulate the vagus nerve and thus interrupt the headache. It is specifically to help people with clusters. I know it might not be my final solution but I am stubbornly waiting to get it and see if it helps before deciding whether or not to go back on the Verapamil. Sometimes Aleve helps a bit. Sometimes it does nothing. Sometimes Advil helps. Sometimes it doesn’t. Advil isn’t supposed to be a good idea because there can be a rebound headache, but that didn’t happen yesterday when I tried it. Sometimes I can marshal all of my reserves and have good Alexander use and do constructive rest and do trigger point work and drink a ton of water and think positively and stay hopeful. Other times I just give up and I have nothing. All I can do is just exist and wait and whimper and keep moving and rubbing my head and neck until somehow the pain subsides. I haven’t yet looked with longing at the bathroom sink, wanting to bash my head into it because somehow it promises relief, so that is something. Still. This sucks. On the plus side, Sarah’s chin presses feel great on my head, especially during a headache. Also, if I didn’t have my clusters then I wouldn’t have found J to help and I wouldn’t have gotten as immersed in and passionate about neuromuscular therapy, thus involving me more at the massage school. So those are two very positive things to come from the headaches. However, dear Universe, if it is all the same to you, now that I have received my blessings it would be ok to remove the headaches.

I hope you are pain-free or that there are blessings in whatever pain you are experiencing.