August 5

Never, never, never again! Never will I do a stool test for Sarah unless it is somehow absolutely necessary. I had been so proud that I even managed to get the sample in the first place, but it was not worth it. We don’t yet have the results, but I still don’t think it was worth the setbacks. Sarah didn’t have a bowel movement for several days after the test collection. I kept increasing her miralax. By Tuesday she was in such discomfort because of the large blockage that she spent the whole day in bed or on the toilet. When she was upright or on the toilet she was saying “ow, ow, ow!” I started wondering if I needed to take her to the emergency room. Meanwhile, because of so much extra miralax, when things did get moving then she dealt with 24 hours of explosive diarrhea. Some undies went directly to the trash. My sitters who helped during this time deserve a medal of honor. That is seriously going above and beyond the normal call of duty. Sc gets an especially huge amount of gratitude because she weathered the most dramatic of storms. Grandpa also gets a huge thank you - his visit is quite timely!

Before The Horrible Poop Struggle of August 2017, I had a dream about the young Davy Jones from the Monkees. In the dream, as he walked by, people started singing “Daydream Believer" quietly as a tribute. When Sarah was struggling so hard with her large poop I started singing the same song. Normally she tells me to stop singing things but she allowed this and we just looked in each other's eyes. She said it was the Monkees and that I used to sing it to her when she was a baby. It was in these moments of deep eye contact that I felt I was supporting her the most truly.

I have been staying up late almost every night making food. This has been enjoyable and energizing but it does catch up with me. I am aiming to get back to almost everything being home made. I am wondering if it would help to start the GAPS diet with Sarah again. I know it doesn’t work for everyone and didn’t quite work for Sarah the first time, but I know more now and we would not do any dairy, which could make a huge difference. I want to do something though because I know that gut health can affect so much in terms of overall health. 

For a while now Sarah has been asking people questions based on what she sees them doing or wearing. The questions have sometimes felt frustrating to me because she is describing the very thing that is the answer to her question. For example, if I am wearing jeans then Sarah might say, “Mom, are you wearing jeans?” This week I realized that this is probably a super wonderful and exciting stage for her to be in because while her questions are about what is obvious, she is still asking lots of questions. Her questions are clear, she is connecting, and she is observing her environment. None of that is new, but I am newly appreciating it.

Swim lessons again were amazing. Seriously. They are a high point of my week. Amy did her float swimming again all by herself with the teacher a foot away from her! The teacher also said that Sarah is very close to floating by herself. Not quite there, but so close. It is almost hard to remember when she didn’t want to get in the water or have him hold her head in the water. As part of the floating practice, the teacher has the kids sing a song or sing part of a song. This time Sarah picked “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes.” While that was a horrible choice for having her stay relaxed and floating, it was super amazing overall when I think back to Sarah’s early days when singing at all was a challenge or when doing movements to a song was hard. There she was floating happily in the pool with the teacher holding her head, and she was belting out the song while doing the movements! Hilariously joyously wonderful! This swim lesson also had the kids wearing clothing and practicing calling for help while floating. Sarah was easily the loudest. Perhaps all of the screaming she does has some benefits.

Sarah buckled her seat belt all by herself while sitting in her booster! This is huge. While she has been able to sit without the booster and buckle the belt, she hasn’t been able to do it in the booster. The angle is just tricky. But she did it! 

I am still absolutely loving my neuromuscular classes. To help myself learn the material I started drawing the trigger point referral patterns on rough sketches of the body so that I can see how the referral zones overlap. They are color coded. The main thing that is helpful is when I am looking in a book and then attempting to do my own drawing. That is when my brain really takes in the most detail. I can tell that my massage work is already better than it was even a few weeks ago. My thinking is clearer about how to help my clients and my hands-on work is better too. I love this stuff soooo much. 

I have also had wonderful Alexander Technique visits to massage classes, helping students work more effectively and comfortably. Sometimes it takes so much work to learn how to not work hard. I have been wondering how many places there are in my life where an outside observer would see my tension and know that it was excess, just as I can observe that in my students. How often might someone tell me I could just ease up on my effort and then I would actually be more effective? Easing up on effort does not mean not doing the activity though. It is about the condition within the position or action. So this isn’t to say I should stop making so much food or thinking about how to help Sarah. It means I could remember to breathe and be fully in my body when I am doing these things. And I could make sure I go to sleep by 9:30 or 10 (but, oh the siren call of a quiet house and no one needing anything from me!)

When I was little I remember walking in the water at the beach and thinking that I was walking in a straight line, only to discover when I emerged to dry land that I had been going diagonally. I feel like the same thing happens in life with my becoming slightly disconnected from my full ease and groundedness. I think that I am maintaining it but I am actually veering slightly off course. I have been doing so much lately and it is all good, but it has also been a lot and I haven’t been sleeping enough. I was all up in my head and upper body. Yesterday in my Jenny-Rise session, J worked with my iliopsoas and I felt myself becoming fuller and more grounded. I also felt sad and like I didn’t want to look at some of the feelings that I had possibly been veering away from. I don’t want to notice what feels hard! I just want to go forward, but I have to remember all of me so I don’t get stretched too thin. If I was a balloon floating away, J pulled the string to bring me back down. Amazing. I am so grateful to have my team of people who help me come back to myself. I sincerely hope that I help other people in a similar way.

Anyway, today’s adventure is a trip to Target for new underpants!

Lots of love to all of you. May you feel connected to your whole wonderful selves.