August 26

I’ve been grumpy a lot lately when it comes to my kids. Grumpy about the mess they make, about their whining and complaining, about their screaming (mostly Sarah’s), about their fighting with each other. I feel like I am just a grumbly grumpy mean parent with occasional blips of niceness. This probably isn’t being fair to myself in my assessment, but I am definitely not who or how I wish I was. When I am teaching or at work I generally feel so good and centered and like I maybe have something of value to share. When I’m at home, not so much. I have felt weighed down by all the things I feel I should do and by all the horribleness that seems to be in the world so that I really shouldn’t ever feel sad or mad or complain about anything because my life is so amazingly easy and good which then makes me worse of a person for having a hard time, etc, and the spiral continues until I am shorter than a duck’s knee. 

If you stub your toe that is really only a tiny part of your body but it can take over all of your awareness. Being not-the-parent-I-want-to-be is perhaps my stubbed toe. It is probably only a tiny part of my overall life but it feels really big. 

Tuesday started at 2:30am due to various factors. It can take a while to get back to feeling rested after that. This morning started at 5. I know being tired can make other things feel harder. Being underfed or underwatered can also be a problem. This morning I’m targeting my hydration and I will hopefully get a nap later. I will also eat things. Not promising anything about what.

I did have some wonderful times teaching and seeing clients this week. We also had a wonderful visit with one of my best friends and her family. E is the sort of friend where we can not see each other for years but as soon as we are together it is as if we have been hanging out every day. Her sister G, another best friend, happened to call during the visit even though she didn’t know it was happening. I love things like that. 

Another good happening was that yesterday my sitter accidentally arrived early. That was fortuitous because it meant she was outside with Sarah when the raccoon came by at 10am and followed them up the steps and then sniffed at the front door! I often let the kids play on their own outside without being with them all the time so I don’t know what Sarah would have done on her own regarding a raccoon. That was part of what had my brain staying awake at 5am today. I started imagining scenarios and what I would do if a raccoon came in the house, etc. You know, the kind of super important common life problems to solve instead of sleeping!

Swimming was cancelled yesterday due to the water being too cold (we would have been in an outdoor pool because the indoor one is being repaired). Unfortunately, that wasn’t communicated until 8 minutes prior to the start of the lesson. There was much upset and much screaming. I do understand it being too cold and I do understand cancelling. I do not understand this not being assessed or communicated much earlier.  When we got home the girls watched some tv shows while I rested a bit in another room. I heard them helping themselves to cheerios. Then later I discovered they had also helped themselves to chocolate chips! That isn’t something I want them to repeat but it is actually kind of hilarious and adorable.

Earlier in the week Sarah wanted to recreate her car bed from when she was much younger. Carl made paper wheels with her. A sitter made a temporary roof out of a sheet. I decided to bring up a camping canopy. Let me tell you, that was super hard to put up by myself inside a bedroom with no dirt in which to stick the poles! But I did it and the girls love it. Sarah and I also made some fabulous marble runs and went on stroller walks together. 

A friend of mine says that if you are stuck it is because you are asking yourself the wrong question. I think I often get stuck trying to figure out what I should do or what is the right thing instead of asking myself what I want to do. I will aim to ask that latter question today because I can feel it helps me think differently.

August 19

Normally I take notes throughout the week about various moments that I want to remember. I haven’t taken any notes. My mind has been on other things. 

If Carl had a relative whom he had loved but who had mistreated me, and if he had their picture on our wall, if I asked him to take down the picture he would do so! He would do so because he loves me and we live in this house together and want to make a loving life together. What is happening in this country is the same, just on a bigger scale. We (all who live in this country) want to create a big loving life (I mean, don’t we?? people just get super confused (and fearful) about what that actually means and looks like) so if there are people with whom we share this collective house who feel that certain statues should come down (I believe that they should!) then for goodness' sake, no one should need any reason beyond the fact that a loved one is asking! Never mind the fact that there are good reasons. The most fundamental reason is that we should all want to honor each other and respect each other in the present moment. That means listening to and honoring past hurts. As for how to respond to white supremacists, if we think about the small house analogy, if you had a pet that was terrorizing the members of your family and biting them and killing them, you would not tolerate that behavior. That would not be something to love and respect.  

I have always wanted to raise thoughtful and kind children but after the events in Charlottesville and the unacceptable response from the toddler-in-chief, I am more determined. I also realize how much more there is for me to know and share with my girls. There is so much that I do not know and haven’t wanted to know, but that is like putting a bandaid on a splinter and expecting the splinter to go away. We need to take off the collective bandaids and look at the splinters. 

Now on to my actual small house and small family…

Amy started first grade! How is that even possible?!? She loves it.

Sarah and I were looking at photos from when she was younger and she asked about our orange stroller. I got it out of storage and she has been enjoying pushing it up and down the block. We also went for two stroller walks yesterday with me pushing her. It was such a nice thing to do together and it was filled with strong sense memories of the thousands of stroller walks I did in the past. It was also ridiculously hot yesterday and I was dripping with sweat!

Last weekend Amy had a playdate with some friends and during some of that time they were annoyed with Sarah being near them and interfering with their play. At first I was feeling defensive and hurt on Sarah’s behalf, thinking that it was due to Sarah’s uniqueness. Then I remembered moments from the Beezus and Ramona books and remembered that this is just what sisters do. I felt like a ton of bricks fell off of my heart and I could breath again. 

I am struggling some with how to balance my role in the family and how I want the house to be and how I don’t want to clean up everyone’s socks and how I’m tired of people needing things from me and how I also want to be nurturing and providing and care taking and managing things and making lots of healthy delicious food and I also want to do my own reading and research and work. Sometimes I don’t mind stepping over markers and stuffed animals and other times I want to scream and throw everything in the trash. This cycle and struggle is not new, but it has been on my mind.

While I was writing, Sarah came over a couple of times and put her arms around me while smiling into my face and asking me to be a sad bear or cat. Sometimes she is just so sweet!

Anyway, I send you love and peace as you look at whatever struggles and splinters are on your horizon. When things are feeling difficult, remember to eat good food, drink water, and rest.

August 12

Sarah floated by herself for 2 seconds!!!!!!!!!! 

Amy did big jumps into the pool while only touching the fingertips of the teacher. They both continue to make such astounding progress. I don’t know how the timing or classes will work when both move onto the next levels, but I will do all that I can to keep B as their teacher. 

A couple of weeks ago there was a boy from Florida with some delays similar to Sarah’s who wandered from home and drowned. This just breaks my heart. He even looked a little like Sarah. I am so glad we already have swim lessons well underway. Sarah seems well aware of her limits with water, as she does in many areas. The thing we most need to work on is how to be safe crossing streets and parking lots and how to not wander off. Yesterday she left the swim locker room while I was in the bathroom. We always stop in the locker room on our way to the pool and we always wait until all of us are done. Except for yesterday. She was just outside the locker room, but I still had at least a minute of panic. Then after the swim lesson she left the pool without telling me. I was waiting for her to get her shoes and I was helping Amy dry off. I looked up to see Sarah on the track next to the pool. I’m not even sure we are allowed to be there, but certainly not when dripping wet and not without a parent. When I was speaking to her about not wandering off she spat on the floor. She often spits when she is mad. But on the carpeted floor of the gym! I took away her post-swim lollipop. I feel rather exasperated about getting her to listen and follow limits and rules better. To say she wanders off maybe isn’t right because I’m sure she feels purposeful and knows where she is going. But it is not ok to do this without asking me or telling me. And she doesn’t seem to get this despite repeated explanations. I am feeling so frustrated.

Last weekend we went to the playground for a bit. As we headed home, Amy was upset that they had to share the scooter. I said she was riding the Grumpitude, and I stared carrying her while pretending to ride a scooter and saying, “grump, grump, grump.” She loved it. 

I recently read an article about kids and their upsets. They are analogous to trains going through tunnels and you don’t want to pull the train sideways out of the tunnel. It has to finish going through on its own. That has been such a helpful perspective, especially as sometimes I seem to be in a busy train station. I also feel like the analogy is for anyone going through upsets. I think this morning I am in a bit of a tunnel and I need to get through it.

It has been helpful to realize that weekends are just harder for me than weekdays. I often notice this when Carl is gone and assume it is because he is away. Yet, as I think about most weekends, they just tend to be harder for me. I have less vim and vigor for doing things around the house. I feel sucked into this huge long day with so much that should be done but nothing that I care to do. I think I do better during the week because more things are scheduled and I often have more help from sitters. And I get to go to work for some part of most days. I truly love my work. Not that I don’t truly love my children, but my clients and students don’t whine or yell or fight with each other.

Tuesday we went to Idlewild with the help of our wonderful sitter, E. Sarah spent almost the entire time in the ball pit. Amy spent lots of time in the ball pit but also did some other things. The girls did their best job yet of leaving easily when I said it was time to go. On the way home it was Amy’s turn to pick the music and she picked “Frog Trouble” by Sandra Boynton. For some reason Sarah always protests this choice even though she likes it when I sing the songs on my own. This day she screamed and yelled a lot, escalating the most at track 12. Amy added her upset because she couldn’t hear. I just let those trains chug on past. And then suddenly Sarah paused and said, “oh, mom, it’s ‘Frog Trouble’ [the song]. I like ‘Frog Trouble.’” E. and I just cracked up. For the rest of the ride Sarah was content with the music.

One of my friends whose son had been diagnosed with autism recently had a revelation. She realized that if she took away the label she was able to think more clearly about his various challenges and how to help him. Her assumptions and expectations of his abilities and possibilities changed and he instantly rose to the occasion. (Seriously, 3 tries to spell “occasion” correctly.) This has inspired me to think more about Sarah just as herself and not as any of her diagnostic labels. I hadn’t realized that I was impacted by the labels until I considered removing them. When I remember to think this way it helps me be proud of Sarah in a new way, appreciating that she is basically rocking this thing called life with one arm tied behind her back due to various challenges. Even if her wandering and spitting is frustrating, she is so fiercely determined and she is such a spitfire. These features may be annoying but in the long run I do think they are assets. The phrasing that has been held in high regard about “nevertheless, she persisted” is so true of Sarah, even if sometimes I wish she would heed my explanations and warnings.

I recently read the description of the pain referral for a trigger point in the occipitalis muscle. It feels like pain going through the head to the eye!!!!!!! Despite lots of reading in the past and receiving lots of work and working on my own trigger points, somehow I hadn’t seen this description before. I believe my cluster headache pain is at least in part due to trigger points, probably many of them, but my basic personal description of a headache is that it feels like a knife going through my eye to the back of my head. See the similarity? I have started working on my own trigger points all over my head and neck multiple times a day. In the the past I would try this and get scared away by how sometimes I could bring on a headache. But that points all the more conclusively to trigger point involvement. So I am all hopeful and excited in a way that I haven’t been in months. When I told all of this to Carl and was sort of laughing at myself for how often I get this enthusiastic and hopeful, he said that “hopeful and excited” could be my middle name. I’ll take it!

Hope, excitement, and love to you.

August 5

Never, never, never again! Never will I do a stool test for Sarah unless it is somehow absolutely necessary. I had been so proud that I even managed to get the sample in the first place, but it was not worth it. We don’t yet have the results, but I still don’t think it was worth the setbacks. Sarah didn’t have a bowel movement for several days after the test collection. I kept increasing her miralax. By Tuesday she was in such discomfort because of the large blockage that she spent the whole day in bed or on the toilet. When she was upright or on the toilet she was saying “ow, ow, ow!” I started wondering if I needed to take her to the emergency room. Meanwhile, because of so much extra miralax, when things did get moving then she dealt with 24 hours of explosive diarrhea. Some undies went directly to the trash. My sitters who helped during this time deserve a medal of honor. That is seriously going above and beyond the normal call of duty. Sc gets an especially huge amount of gratitude because she weathered the most dramatic of storms. Grandpa also gets a huge thank you - his visit is quite timely!

Before The Horrible Poop Struggle of August 2017, I had a dream about the young Davy Jones from the Monkees. In the dream, as he walked by, people started singing “Daydream Believer" quietly as a tribute. When Sarah was struggling so hard with her large poop I started singing the same song. Normally she tells me to stop singing things but she allowed this and we just looked in each other's eyes. She said it was the Monkees and that I used to sing it to her when she was a baby. It was in these moments of deep eye contact that I felt I was supporting her the most truly.

I have been staying up late almost every night making food. This has been enjoyable and energizing but it does catch up with me. I am aiming to get back to almost everything being home made. I am wondering if it would help to start the GAPS diet with Sarah again. I know it doesn’t work for everyone and didn’t quite work for Sarah the first time, but I know more now and we would not do any dairy, which could make a huge difference. I want to do something though because I know that gut health can affect so much in terms of overall health. 

For a while now Sarah has been asking people questions based on what she sees them doing or wearing. The questions have sometimes felt frustrating to me because she is describing the very thing that is the answer to her question. For example, if I am wearing jeans then Sarah might say, “Mom, are you wearing jeans?” This week I realized that this is probably a super wonderful and exciting stage for her to be in because while her questions are about what is obvious, she is still asking lots of questions. Her questions are clear, she is connecting, and she is observing her environment. None of that is new, but I am newly appreciating it.

Swim lessons again were amazing. Seriously. They are a high point of my week. Amy did her float swimming again all by herself with the teacher a foot away from her! The teacher also said that Sarah is very close to floating by herself. Not quite there, but so close. It is almost hard to remember when she didn’t want to get in the water or have him hold her head in the water. As part of the floating practice, the teacher has the kids sing a song or sing part of a song. This time Sarah picked “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes.” While that was a horrible choice for having her stay relaxed and floating, it was super amazing overall when I think back to Sarah’s early days when singing at all was a challenge or when doing movements to a song was hard. There she was floating happily in the pool with the teacher holding her head, and she was belting out the song while doing the movements! Hilariously joyously wonderful! This swim lesson also had the kids wearing clothing and practicing calling for help while floating. Sarah was easily the loudest. Perhaps all of the screaming she does has some benefits.

Sarah buckled her seat belt all by herself while sitting in her booster! This is huge. While she has been able to sit without the booster and buckle the belt, she hasn’t been able to do it in the booster. The angle is just tricky. But she did it! 

I am still absolutely loving my neuromuscular classes. To help myself learn the material I started drawing the trigger point referral patterns on rough sketches of the body so that I can see how the referral zones overlap. They are color coded. The main thing that is helpful is when I am looking in a book and then attempting to do my own drawing. That is when my brain really takes in the most detail. I can tell that my massage work is already better than it was even a few weeks ago. My thinking is clearer about how to help my clients and my hands-on work is better too. I love this stuff soooo much. 

I have also had wonderful Alexander Technique visits to massage classes, helping students work more effectively and comfortably. Sometimes it takes so much work to learn how to not work hard. I have been wondering how many places there are in my life where an outside observer would see my tension and know that it was excess, just as I can observe that in my students. How often might someone tell me I could just ease up on my effort and then I would actually be more effective? Easing up on effort does not mean not doing the activity though. It is about the condition within the position or action. So this isn’t to say I should stop making so much food or thinking about how to help Sarah. It means I could remember to breathe and be fully in my body when I am doing these things. And I could make sure I go to sleep by 9:30 or 10 (but, oh the siren call of a quiet house and no one needing anything from me!)

When I was little I remember walking in the water at the beach and thinking that I was walking in a straight line, only to discover when I emerged to dry land that I had been going diagonally. I feel like the same thing happens in life with my becoming slightly disconnected from my full ease and groundedness. I think that I am maintaining it but I am actually veering slightly off course. I have been doing so much lately and it is all good, but it has also been a lot and I haven’t been sleeping enough. I was all up in my head and upper body. Yesterday in my Jenny-Rise session, J worked with my iliopsoas and I felt myself becoming fuller and more grounded. I also felt sad and like I didn’t want to look at some of the feelings that I had possibly been veering away from. I don’t want to notice what feels hard! I just want to go forward, but I have to remember all of me so I don’t get stretched too thin. If I was a balloon floating away, J pulled the string to bring me back down. Amazing. I am so grateful to have my team of people who help me come back to myself. I sincerely hope that I help other people in a similar way.

Anyway, today’s adventure is a trip to Target for new underpants!

Lots of love to all of you. May you feel connected to your whole wonderful selves.