October 15

These updates have changed a bit from their original Sarah-Risey focus. If you only read the blog format and would like to be added to the email list, send me an email at jbriggs1@mac.com. I will no longer post regularly to the Son-Rise Facebook groups. That said...

I think how I respond to myself is how I parent. I have compassion and creativity in many situations. And sometimes I get tight and panicky and have zero space or tolerance and I yell and demand immediate changes. CALM DOWN darn you! RIGHT NOW! RELAX! LISTEN TO ME!!!!! Unfortunately, this proves time and again not actually to be the most effective route. I also think I could perhaps learn from my loving parenting choices about how to be kinder to myself, telling my tight muscles what a good job they are doing and how much I love them.

Wednesday night, Sarah had a party in the middle of the night. Luckily we have two parents, one of whom is patient and kind even in the middle of the night. The other parent is me. I went instantly to threatening to take away things if I was not listened to. I was desperate. Carl not only handled Sarah calmly and kindly, but he gently mentioned to me that he didn’t think threatening to take away things was the route we wanted to take. I love this man. I love that he can be so steady that I can learn from him even in the wee hours. I often go from zero to 60 on my panic-ometer very rapidly. Either I am so clear about things that I won’t panic and get tight at all or I skip any intermediary process and go right to full on tight-panic-threatening mode. (why waste time, really?) I do this with my body pains and with my children. I am hopeful that untangling either strand will help the other strand unfurl.

When Amy suddenly gets sad she describes it as her snuggle tank being empty. This week I had a few moments where I felt like my snuggle tank was suddenly empty. They were moments where I felt incompetent, frustrated, and like a failure of a parent or person (for relatively minor things). Interestingly enough, my shadow headache and strong tension patterns were immediately active. So was the self-judgement and panic about the tension. Things didn’t really calm down until I was talking with my mom and she commented on my language choices when describing my situation. She suggested that perhaps there could be gentler language and a kinder regard for my situation. Once I shifted to more kindness then my tension abated. So obvious and yet so continually elusive!

Recently I had tried increasing my headache meds (under the supervision of my doctor). She had me do an EKG to make sure my body was handling it ok. It wasn’t, so I backed off to my original levels. Part of what I experienced with the increase was extreme fatigue that reminded me of being pregnant (I am not, nor will I be), where I just sort of wanted to pass out sleeping all the time. I felt better once I returned to my normal level. After healing from my bad cold, I had a couple days of feeling the intense tiredness again so I decided to back off the meds another level. One theory with the meds is that if my body gets headaches then it will keep getting them because it becomes a habit. Given my new levels of awareness about the various things I do with tightening my body and my success with getting headache whispers to ease if I let go of the tensions, I think I am ready to do this. I do actually want the feedback of headache whispers if I am tensing my jaw, tongue, psoas, etc.

My Jenny-Rise sessions felt as profound as usual, as if I must have instructions written on my skin of where to go and what to do to exactly target what is feeling like a mess of muscle-sick. I had a long moment where I felt like I was experiencing with compassion many years of selves that had been so traumatized and scared by my headaches. I mean, really, how unimaginably awful to wake up many nights in a row (40-ish nights in the original clusters) feeling like a knife was stabbing through my eye and for years no one had any clue as to what to even call it. I have spent so much of my life being scared to go to bed or in such pain that bashing my head on a bathroom sink seemed like an attractive option. This has been happening for some part of each year for the past 20 years. Anyway, during my time on the table, I felt sympathy for my past self (and current self still living with fear), and I felt like J’s hands were there reassuring me that it was all ok and would all be ok. It reminded me of when animals (and people) need to shake after being scared, as if waves of old fear were moving out of me. 

My Jenny-Rise homework had been to notice my outer right thigh. Just to pay attention to it. Every time I do I realize the minimal regard it usually receives. I also quickly become aware of my right pinkie toe and my leg and foot as a whole. If a person thinks they are holding on to something by just one finger then that finger will probably be working very hard. If they realize they are holding on with a whole hand then that one original finger probably won’t work so hard. I think that my right leg thinks it is holding on by just one metaphorical finger. I think my whole headache pattern is holding on by one finger. Bringing in the awareness of my whole body helps. I also think there is probably a larger scope to consider regarding support from friends, family, life, and love. 

It is astounding how much I can know that I don’t always apply to myself. Sometimes I try so hard to hold onto ease that I get myself into the tightest mess. I try stretching too hard or I yell at myself to relax. After two days of getting myself tight and feeling embarrassed about being an AT teacher who was so uncomfortable, I remembered how I tell people to do myofascial stretching. It is different from standard stretching. I tell people to only go 5% into the stretch so they barely feel like they are stretching. After a couple of minutes they can ease into the stretch more, but still aiming for that 5% feeling. Astonishingly enough, when I did this, it helped! I would also like to acknowledge my kitchen floor. It is always there for me. It is the place I go when I don’t feel like I can manage or know how to function anymore. It can help me find such peace and relief. It is important that it isn’t a bed or couch. It has to be a place that most people don’t consider for lying supine or sitting with no purpose. That symbolically helps me surrender more completely to being exactly where I am internally. I almost always feel better after a visit to the kitchen floor.

Now for the girls...Amy loves school. I am pretty sure Sarah likes school. She certainly loves Wednesdays because she can wear her gym uniform. That is the only day she gets dressed with no prompting. Sarah is excited each morning to see the teacher who helps her out of my car and she is happy at the end when I pick her up. Amy runs to school and tells me about her many friends and all the projects she does. This week each girl had one or two days off from school so they went to daycare. On one of the days I gave Amy the choice of daycare or a pancake breakfast at a restaurant. She deliberated long and hard and picked daycare! I love feeling like the girls are in such good hands wherever they are, whether it is school or daycare or with sitters or SR team members (including the Amy volunteer whose beautiful presence gets me in the SR room). I feel like they are celebrated and loved. We really have an amazing village. 

One SR team member is now moving on. N. has been a truly amazing gift of wonderfulness for the past 4+ years. We will miss him and we send him lots of love and joy and celebration.

During my SR time with Sarah on Thursday we spent many delightful minutes with her sitting on my lap facing me and giving me kisses. She would then say what I usually say: “Oh! Thank you!” We took turns doing this and looking at ourselves in the mirror. It was such a sweet and joyful time. Then Friday afternoon I sat on the couch and both girls climbed on me and we all traded kisses and “oh! thank you” for many minutes. I love the love. The moment with all three of us almost didn’t happen. When they were done watching their tv shows I almost turned things off and walked away. That would have been mom-trying-to-avoid-her-kids. I’m so glad I turned to face forward into being with them.

Thursday night as Carl and I were getting ready for bed, Sarah called out. Carl went in and touched one of her hands to reassure her. She held his hand, brought her other hand up to also hold his hand and then gave his hand a tiny kiss. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!! Does it honestly ever get any sweeter or better than that??????  I just can barely contain the adorableness.

Kisses! Oh thank you!