September 11

Once again, this past week has contained a lifetime of fullness.

On Monday Carl cleared a space next to our house that was full of a falling-down shed roof and various small trees. Sarah helped move the small trees to the Bagster, dragging each tree several feet all by herself. She truly was an amazing helper.

I had a great SR session on Thursday. For part of it we were drawing on the white board. I drew a house. She said, “home.” I wrote “home.” She erased the “ho.” I said, “that spells ‘me.’” She had the biggest grin of delight and we played with that scenario for many more minutes. She started writing “home” herself and then erasing the “ho” and saying “that spells me!”

Sarah did the snap and zipper on her pants all by herself!!!!! Another time when she had trouble, she came to find me to ask for help! Another time she brought me a book and asked me to read it to her!!

Sarah’s school did a speech/language evaluation (that I sanctioned) and they want her to receive services (I agree that this makes sense). The reason they give somehow feels glass-half-empty instead of noticing how far she has come (which they don’t know). I know that when they did the evaluation they might not have experienced her full, connected, sparkly, clear self. I know we still have things to help her with. But I hate the word deficit. Even though I yell sometimes at my sweet, perfect Sarah, no-one else is allowed to judge or use words like “deficit.” I know they probably have to write things in certain ways to get funding and coverage for sessions with her. But still. This is the wording for the reason for enrollment: “Sarah experiences difficulty with understanding and using vocabulary, concepts, sentence forms, and social language. Deficits in these areas can affect Sarah’s ability to answer questions, follow directions, and use language in class and social situations.” I would like to change this to, “Sarah is a sparkly, exuberant, delightful child who needs help and support as she continues to grow in her use of language in various situations. We would like to provide her with the support and encouragement she needs to help her flourish to her utmost ability.”

I was able to make suggestions towards the IEP that her main teacher will write. Here is an example of one of my suggestions, "Sarah will enjoy spending time reading books, including those with words she doesn’t know, seeking out help when needed. She will sound out new words with independent motivation or with easy participation when encouraged. The majority of the time, she will independently begin reading when it is the time to read and/or when she has free time.” Because here is the thing: I do not care if she can read perfectly or at age level or when she progresses. I care about her enjoying reading and the process of learning and being with others in a learning environment. Period. All of my suggestions for all of the categories are about her enjoying her experience. I am humbled by how often I do not help her enjoy her experience at home, but I do know that my intentions and heart are pointed in a good direction, even if I sometimes hit pot holes.

My Jenny-Rise bodywork session on Friday had some gentle deep work on my neck. When I got off the table I had tons of tears. I hadn’t expected them. I hadn’t felt them filling up at the dam. J suggested that I take time to breath for a few minutes before leaving the room because the work had been so deep. I still didn’t know I was so full of tears. And then I got off the table and felt like I needed to cry deeply for a few hours. I took a few minutes then and found more time later.  With these sessions, I feel like I am able to take down walls that I don’t know I have built but then it is such a naked, vulnerable, wall-less place after, at least for as long as I can keep it that way. I love not having the walls, even if it feels new and a bit scary. My mom shared that sometimes when she feels so worn-out with tears that it is sometimes an indication that there are more tears. She was so right. After really deep crying about things that I thought I had finished being sad about (such as the incredibly loving and amazing Son-Rise teacher William dying) I did feel more like myself and not so worn-out or vulnerable. Are these feelings really sitting in my muscles and fascia? It feels that way. I so want to move through all of this, unearthing everything until my headache beast dissolves into nothingness.

My present aim is to be ok with all of me in my me-ness. I sometimes assure other people in my life that the reason I seek them out is for them to be themselves, not anyone else. If I wanted someone else I would go to someone else. I strive so much to grow and learn and change that sometimes I don’t give myself room to be where I am, as if I can’t even be imperfect correctly. So, my first step is to notice whenever I am judging myself and then to be ok with the fact that I am judging myself and with whatever it is that I am judging. That’s all. That is plenty.

May we all notice our sparkly amazing selves, whether or not we need support in any given area. There are no deficits; there are just places where we might benefit from help.