February 14

Whenever something is harder than usual with the girls or amiss in some way I usually wonder what dietary thing I have to change. As I learned with Sarah’s hands (now resolved!), it isn’t always food. Last weekend was rough, Monday was rough, Tuesday was rough but then led to wonderful things. I think Sarah was the canary in the coal mine of my emotions. I was tense, tight, grumpy, fearful, etc. Sarah had a melt down Tuesday morning so that I had to bring her home from school right away because of inconsolable crying. She had been saying she didn’t want to go to kindergarten, but she says that often enough that I wasn’t paying attention to it as real. I guess she was right that it wasn’t the best thing for her that day. What was good was trying and needing to get her because then all of my feelings came to the surface and could no longer be denied. I had a huge good cry with my mom and then a helpful conversation with M. I felt much calmer inside. By the time we got to the evening and Sarah was crying about wanting Carl, I was able to see that this was the perfect opportunity to give her the kind of session I had had in the morning. I just held her and listened to her and even was glad when Carl took longer than usual to come home. I wanted to get that sadness out so that Sarah could uncover her sparkly self again. And she did. Wednesday morning felt like we were back to normal and she easily went to school. I didn’t have to solve anything, I just had to let our storms rain.

My mom is in the wonderful process of hoisting me on my own pitard of Alexander technique wisdom as it pertains to my feelings and how I approach parenting. It isn’t that I need to try harder to do the same habitual things. It is that I need to find my ease and awareness of the whole. I need to try different things. The means whereby I get where I want to be is to let my own tears flow when they are there, not to tamp them down. I can ask myself why I have the tears and related feelings, but not in a yelling tight sort of way, which is how I sometimes do it. A good hard cry can feel so good. It is like a deep clean of my soul. Now, please don’t (do) use my own words against (for) me to remind me when I forget. :)

My work has also provided me with an insight. For years, when it comes to my work, it seems that all I have to do to change my flow of clients is to have the clear thought of what I want it to be. When I need cancellations I usually get them. When I want to be busier, I start getting calls. I recently decided that I would like to see a few more clients than I have been, perhaps seeing two instead of one during each of my general office times. As I decided this, I was contacted by 3 new people within the week. Wow. So, how can I use this to further my parenting goals? I think it is to just clearly state in my head how I want things to be and then not worry about it. This feels foreign and also like a bit of a relief. Why not try it? 

Sonia was out sick for 3 days this past week and as with past times I was totally able to rock the situation (Tuesday's meltdown counted as rocking it) and it also pointed out how I am glad I don’t have to do it that way every week. I got everyone where we needed to be and stayed on top of the cooking, groceries, cleaning, etc. I just didn’t sit down for meals or eat quite enough sometimes or read my book or snuggle with my girls as often as I usually might. This helps me see that in the weeks when I do have Sonia and feel like I’m not doing much because I sit around a lot, that is doing something and it is how I want to be. I want to be that much more relaxed in my pace and available to snuggle, read, and play games.

I have been thinking about parenting and how often and how much I judge myself. I have also been thinking of body image and how for the past several months even if I might have little self critiques especially regarding what the scale might say, when I look in the mirror I think something like, “There is no truth other than that I look fabulous.” I just won’t allow other thoughts because they are ridiculous. What if I could think the same thing about my parenting? That seems less clear, but worth a try. “There is no truth other than that I am a wonderful parent.” Even when I yell, get grumpy, cry, and don’t get my kids to eat enough vegetables. (I feel rather naked after writing this paragraph but want to share in case it is useful for other people looking in mirrors or at their parenting. Now let me put some more word clothes on.)

We are in the midst of a lovely visit with Grammy and Granddad. I love how glued to people Sarah can be sometimes. She just moves right in on their laps. Amy is usually a bit uncertain and shy to begin with and takes longer to warm up to comfort. Amy has easier connections with other children, but Sarah has social connection with grown-ups down pat.

I wish you all a happy Valentine’s Day. I have always loved this holiday and seen it as a chance to express love to everyone that I know and love. So, I love you all. Thank you so very much for your presence in my life. Your reading my words and witnessing my journey means a great deal to me and really does help support me so I can think more clearly and love more fully. 

There is no truth other than that you are all fabulous.