January 24

Sarah has been totally rocking her coat zipper. She does it all by herself almost all the time now. One thing that may have helped is that with my horrendous cough lingering and being horrendous at terrible times (in the waiting room at the pediatrician’s office while waiting to find out that Sarah had pink eye, in the hall outside the pediatrician’s office as we were getting bundled to leave) I wasn’t very helpful when it was time to do Sarah’s zipper. I was too busy coughing embarrassingly, uncontrollably, nearly pukingly. But Sarah can do her zipper! And I am almost better (it was a virus, confirmed by two doctors because I didn’t want to believe it the first time), as is Sarah, as is Carl. Amy just began a cold a few days ago. I don’t know whether I hope it is the same thing I just survived so that I am not at risk again or whether I hope it is different because I wouldn’t wish what I had on anyone. Luckily it seems that I got it the worst out of our family members. 

Yesterday Amy and I went out in the snowstorm to her doctor because I was worried she had pink eye (she doesn’t). During our absence, Sarah and Carl were talking about Sarah’s new cousin, baby A. Carl suggested that Sarah could pretend a Pooh stuffed animal was baby A. Sarah took this very seriously and was very tender and careful with her baby. She spoke to it, she carried it carefully upstairs, she put it gently in bed and then carefully snuggled up next to it for a nap. Sooooo sweet.

Next Sunday is Sarah’s birthday and when a card arrived yesterday I let her open it. She read the first couple of lines independently. It said “Dear Sarah, A star is what you are…” She read all of that before wanting nothing more to do with it. I know she knows most of those words but I didn’t know she knew “star.” 

I am having many conversations with myself about how today is going to go. I want to be super industrious and clean and organize my house mightily. I want to have an orderly desk. I want to have all my daily chores done early. And…I want to sit on my butt and read and not deal with the perpetual mess at all. As with most days, I will probably land somewhere in the middle. It is just interesting how many solo conversations happen as I move through the day. Whether it is about eating choices or cleaning choices, I have certain ideals that I think I should attain or want to attain but then in the moment I want an experience of ease and joy that seems to more easily come from other choices. All of this is intensified after being sick and still recovering. The mess has silted in and become more of a permanent fixture so there is both more and less urgency to deal with it. I have barely exercised in the past two weeks and am yearning to do more and yet I recognize that I still have to go slowly and gently and that sitting and reading is an important part of recovery. There is also the bookending of my sickness with Amy’s sicknesses, meaning that she wants to be snuggled with me more often. I am happy to oblige because it is a lovely feeling to sort of fix something for someone just by being me and being there. This does not, however, lead to exercise or cleaning or organizing my life or doing things on my list for the day. One moment at a time. Maybe I’ll just go read for a few minutes now...

I fervently hope you are all well.