December 31

Christmas morning. 

Me: it’s too early to go downstairs. We can’t go down before 5. What time is it?

Amy: 4:45

Me: (laughing and laughing some more)

By 5:30 we were down stairs and by 7:30 we were done with Christmas morning. Naps and lunch were completed by 11:30.

One morning, Sarah was watching a show while Grandpa was in another room. She ran in to tell him that a character on the show was eating cheerios. How awesome that she wanted so much to share this information with him that she would get up in the middle of the show and find him and use his name and look at him to tell him this! As with so many things, we now take such beautiful social connection from Sarah for granted, but it really was something that we never knew for sure would happen. While I break it into parts for description’s sake, it often comes quite naturally and easily to her at this point for her to use a person’s name, look at them, and tell them something. It isn’t that she is thinking of what thing she needs to do next, it is just how she is. And sometimes such connection is seemingly impossible, which is why it is still notable when it happens.

Carl and Amy were building a lego structure on Christmas morning and Sarah joined them, becoming very excited about building the striped awning. For those of you who have walked with her anywhere you know her love of striped awnings and that she points them out everywhere all the time.

The girls received the Waterworks card game and Carl and Sarah were going to play. Sarah was very disappointed when she found out it was a card game rather than something with real pipes and water. Being his amazing self, Carl took her to Lowe’s and they came back with the works (ahem).

I am now completely off my headache medications and so far so good in terms of no actual major headaches, though the meds have probably only just left my system. I do still get whispers and I expect that may be how things are for a while. The most exciting aspect of this change is that I am now allowed to have grapefruit! I am still riding through the waves of panic, especially if I wake up in the middle of the night for any reason. I am worried both about the headaches returning and about then feeling stupid for coming off the meds too soon. Perhaps I could consider only worrying about the headaches. 

So many people have been expressing their dislike of 2016 as a whole. There are certainly things I wish I could change, but I just can’t actually feel mad at the year. From my perspective for our family, it has been an incredibly wonderful year. A year ago at around this time we were dealing with daily poop accidents that were interfering with Sarah’s schooling and the general joy of everyone in the family. We found out she was super impacted through her intestines and we fixed that. We are still certainly facing food questions about how to get her system fully, healthily functional so she doesn’t need miralax, but our daily life is so much better. Sarah finished kindergarten and we found her school for first grade. After months of worrying and feeling like the right school just didn’t exist, we found the right school, thanks to word of mouth and people being wonderful. She is thriving. She loves taking the school van. We started vision therapy and it seems to be the right thing to do. We have continued to be blessed by the time, attention, expertise, and love of all of the people in her life, from her volunteers to her sitters to her OT to her gymnastics teachers. Amy finished preschool and started kindergarten at a wonderful school in walking distance from our home, a school where we get to see a friend/sitter every day so I felt sure from day 1 that there was someone who loved her right there in the building. Amy is thriving, reading, writing, and loving school. She drew a picture of herself at school and wrote that it was her favorite place. Carl loves his work. I love my work and have gotten to do more teaching than in previous years. With every class I become a better teacher and massage therapist. My headache situation got so prolonged that it got my attention in a new way which led me to connecting with my wonderful Jenny-Rise MT. I found a place to volunteer giving free pregnancy massages to women who otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford them. It feels like the perfect fit. We survived transitioning from having Sonia with us full-time to having her move into other jobs and to having me take over running things without as much help. We have had wonderful visits with friends and family. I read good books. I stopped reading not-good books before finishing them. I still love Zumba. Life is just good. Hiccups, speed-bumps, panic, worry, self-doubt, uncertainty, mistakes and mis-steps all present, it is still good. There were so many wonderful things that I know I am forgetting to mention lots of them! There are many incredibly wonderful and loving people in the world. I am blessed to know all of you. 

December 24

Amy seems to have suddenly learned to read. I know it hasn’t been sudden in reality, but it still seems that way. She knocks my socks off just as much as Sarah does, even if I take it for granted that she will. Still. Wow. 

With her new sewing machine and Carl’s help, Sarah made a pair of pants! The only fabric I had was snail fabric so that is what she used and she made pants for Cookie Monster. I can barely stand the adorableness.

This week it was Amy’s turn to get strep throat. If Sarah hadn’t had it then I certainly wouldn’t have known anything was amiss with Amy. She barely seemed sick, but I recognized the rash and took her to the doctor. Luckily it was a day when it was easy for me to stay home without changing any plans. I have realized that for most of my appointments to happen on any given day I need to have 6 people/institutions functioning normally: the person I am meeting, me, Sarah, Amy, Sarah’s school, and Amy’s school (or daycare or sitters). No wonder I often see my plans flash before my eyes. Last week I benefited from the girls’ uncle A being available to hang out with Amy when her school was delayed due to the cold. This week I benefited from Grandpa being in town and available to help because Sarah’s school and daycare were both closed Thursday and Friday.

On Thursday I had a wonderful SR session. It had been a while since I’d been in the room and it felt so good to really connect and play with no distractions for an hour. We did a few rounds of giving each other kisses and saying “oh thank you!” and a few rounds of pretending to be sad or that our clothing was sad. We discussed what pants she wants and how she wants to go into the basement to open her Christmas presents now. (She already figured out that she could move the step-stool to the basement door to unlock it.) Then I started trying to sing songs and she kept playfully telling me not to. I would make a big playful deal out of it, especially about the varying amounts she would let me sing depending on the song. At one point I asked if I could sing about the color blue. She said yes so I sang the verse from “Jenny Jenkins” about blue. “Will you wear blue oh my dear oh my dear, will you wear blue Jenny Jenkins? No I won’t wear blue ‘cause the color’s too true. I’ll buy me a fauldy rauldy tildy tauldy seek a double ro—oll, Jenny Jenkins Roll!” (note: when I was little I thought the song was about socks. It is actually about a choice of wedding dress color). I worked my way through the colors and ended with the verse about “Now what do you care so I don’t go bare?” Sarah found that line so funny! I kept singing it over and over, helping her learn it. Then I wrote it on the white board wall and asked her to sing it. I love that she could be learning a new song and using her reading skills to help her. Now she is working on learning the lines about blue and she laughs so much she can barely get the words out. 


I had more amazing Jenny-Rise sessions this week. It is so deeply amazing to have the feeling that everything is going to be ok and that I can put down my concerns, fears, stresses, tears, planning, and thinking for an hour and really just be. I can let go of things I have been carrying for years. I can stop being scared of my headaches and of pain. It feels so deeply healing. I wish I could give this gift of healing to everyone everywhere. It is amazing to have someone who seems to find the cracks, boulders, and hiccups in my system as if they are drawn visibly, someone who can directly target them with either incredibly gentle work or with pressing hard and specifically on a trigger point that hurts like hell but offers freedom. It is the combination and the blend that always feels so right that there must be an instruction manual attached to me though I have yet to see it. There are also times when I don’t let myself let go. After a session with all of the amazingness just described then I usually freak out a bit and think that I can’t deserve such a gift and so then I’m not quite as much in the moment the next time. It is priceless to have J still be with me, fascial connection made, waiting. As soon as I had the thought that I could really let go and accept the gift of healing then, fwoop, my fascia and muscles let go and started to move. It was instant once I allowed it. It just took many many minutes for me to allow it as I moved through my thinking. I feel like this has profound meaning for how I live life in general. 

There are so many moments with my kids where I don’t fully allow whatever is happening to be ok. It might be that they are being noisy and playful and I just find it annoying. But, if I am in the SR room then I allow it all in a different way. I embrace it and go with it and then it feels so much better. I feel so much better. My intention going forward is to allow those moments, to let go into those moments more fully, to embrace them instead of holding some of me back in annoyance while trying to pretend otherwise. I want to let the annoyance go. Or if I can’t, then I want to move out of the situation more cleanly and clearly. (Admittedly, while I have been writing these words I have been more than happy to let Carl deal with the screaming children.)

Another experience that seems to have profound implications was when the girls and I made gingerbread cookies yesterday. I had promised them that we would so even though I didn’t particularly feel like it, I started the process. The kitchen was such a mess already that there wasn’t adequate space for everything. The dough didn’t quite cooperate at first so it took longer to be ready. The girls were impatient. It was not the completely easy and joyful experience I had hoped for or that I imagine happens in other houses where parents are more relaxed about mess and control than I am. But, we made the cookies anyway. They are yummy. They are beautiful. I muddled through. So even if I can’t always be the relaxed person I dream of and even if my kitchen is almost always a mess and even if the kids are impatient and even if the process wasn’t what I envisioned, we still did it. Maybe that is life. It isn’t always what we think it will be. We don’t always have the circumstances we think we need before embarking on a project. But we can do it anyway. It can yield results anyway. Have I ever been the perfect Son-Rise mom (in my estimation of what perfect would be)? Rarely. Have I still run a Son-Rise program from start to now ebbing evolving finish? Yes. Has Sarah been thriving more than she would have if we hadn’t done all that we have? Yes. Is my kitchen still a mess? Yes. The cookies are good. We are good. The kitchen and life are a mess, a beautiful mess, and it can all happen anyway even when I can’t control it all. Even if I can’t let go of everything and fully go with the flow. 

Last night before I had decided what to cook for dinner both kids assured me that they wouldn’t like it. Then they snarfed it. It’s nice when it goes that way.

I hope you all have happy holidays and snuggly warm rejuvenating moments. May we all sit with ourselves gently and kindly, accepting the gifts of love, friendship, and help that abound, even while we are surrounded by messes. 

December 17

You know you have a child with eating restrictions when a couple of hours before attending a birthday party you are hastily whipping up a batch of cupcakes so she will have something to eat at the party. I had been meaning to make them for days because I like to have them around as a relatively healthy treat. I kept putting it off because, well, I just didn’t feel like it. As soon as I realized that I needed them for the party I had a batch in the oven in 22 minutes. This was last Sunday. Unfortunately, then Sarah didn’t get to go because she had a fever. She didn’t want to eat or drink anything. Except a cupcake. That went down just fine. 

Both girls had school concerts on Monday but Sarah was home sick from school so missed hers. She seemed well enough to go to Amy’s concert so we were all able to attend, though Sarah spent the time asking to leave (until it was actually time to leave and then she wanted to stay and play with the chairs). Tuesday I sent Sarah to school because she seemed well enough, though she had a rash or hives of some sort all over starting Monday night. Given her skin sensitivity I wasn’t overly concerned, but I was puzzled. Then Tuesday night she told Carl that her ears felt like they were being squeezed like when she is on a plane. WOW. That is the clearest communication she has ever given us about what she is feeling in her body. So, to the doctor Wednesday…

Turns out she had scarlet fever. I had no idea that it is a kind of strep throat that comes with a rash. Sarah asked the doctor, “Can I wear your stethoscope?” and the doctor understood perfectly and let her wear it for a few minutes (and then cleaned it before using it herself).

This week seems full of people embodying my best intentions when I have trouble remembering them myself. On Tuesday the girls had dentist appointments and they are usually pretty easy. Luckily Sonia was available to help just like she used to. When we arrived Sarah was upset about various things. It was beautiful to watch Sonia in action again, being so creatively patient and calm in her explaining the situation to Sarah. A little later when it was Sarah’s turn to have her teeth cleaned, that did not go easily at all. My only guess is that it was due to Sarah being sick. What was beautiful was how patient and calm the hygienist M. was about the whole thing. She was the one saying that she didn’t want to force Sarah to do something Sarah didn’t want to do because she didn’t want Sarah to dislike the process in the future. Thank goodness for her wisdom because I was still feeling a bit anxious and like I needed to make it happen. Sometimes other people are my better self. 

I witnessed some beautiful Carl moments… It was bedtime and both girls were mad about it and didn’t want to go up to bed. I was thinking to myself, “I’ll show you mad…” Luckily Carl was in charge of bedtime. He asked the girls if they wanted a mad cat or mad bear ride upstairs. He then pretended to be such mad animals while carrying them upstairs as they giggled. 

I took Amy shopping for a new winter coat. She wanted something red. We went to Target. There was one red-ish coat in her size. She said she wanted it. We bought it. She wanted a treat at Starbucks. I got her a juice. Amy was very upset that I wouldn’t get her food because normally when we hit a Starbucks we also get food. I offered her an applesauce pouch or fruit bar. Nope. As we drove home she was crying about how she didn’t get anything she wanted and she didn’t like the coat. Awesome. After some calmer moments at home Carl looked at the new coat slated to be returned and suggested that he and Amy try to categorize the color by comparing it to other red and orange items in the family room. I am in awe of Carl’s ability to basically sidestep the emotions of the moment while still staying focused on the moment and somehow bringing in more connection and engagement with the kid(s). I did return the coat after all because I had seen some clothes I wanted to get for the girls for Christmas and had to go back on my own anyway. While I was there I found a coat we hadn’t seen before and it is the perfect Amy coat, covered in multi-colored triangles. Problem solved (for those of you who know Peg + Cat, cue the music).

Tuesday night with Sc….Sc brought presents for the girls. Sarah was disappointed they weren’t pants. Sc asked if she knew what one of the things was. Sarah didn’t so Sc told her it was a sewing machine. Sarah got a look of powerful understanding and said, “make pants!” The sewing machine needed batteries so Sarah asked for Sc to get the circuit board kit down because it had batteries. The sewing machine required a screw driver to open the battery compartment. Sarah said she needed Dad to come home. Sc said that happened at 7. Sarah went to the clock and moved the hands to be 7:00! What wonderful thinking she was doing. I am torn about her seeming to have this concept that Carl is the only one who can get her a screwdriver. This seems like a notion I should rectify in the name of women’s empowerment. On the other hand, I kind of like not needing to deal with certain things so leaving this misinformation in place could be rather handy. (She must not be remembering the times I have replaced the battery in her glow worm).

Sarah’s speech therapist at school wrote “Sarah came to speech with some of my 2nd graders. We played Christmas Bingo and Sarah was the “caller.” She named the pictures using a louder volume, clear speech (each syllable) & head up, looking at the other students. She did a very good job. I’m always amazed by her vocabulary!”

Sarah’s confidence and ability on the balance beams was very noticeably improved today compared to the past and that was even with no vision therapy session due to the scarlet fever.

Even with Sarah being sick I feel like this was a rather amazing and wonderful week. There is so much in the world that one can despair about, but it is endlessly rejuvenating to look at the people directly in my life because they are so deeply wonderful. I cannot help but conclude that people are amazing. 

December 10

The Pigeon is riding the bus. Sarah rode the bus (van) to school on Monday for the first time. She seemed happy enough when I buckled her in, but I was a royal mess once I got inside the house. I haven’t cried so hard about any previous step of hers. This felt big and scary to send her off in a van with people I don't know. I cried hard for many minutes. Then I found out she had been sad on the drive and kept saying, “I miss people.” ACK!! At least she was ok once she was at school. I was relieved to pick her up that afternoon for vision therapy, which went well. I didn’t leave the premises but I kept a low profile and that did seem to help. 

Tuesday morning when she got to school she cried but the driver said she hadn’t been sad on the drive itself. I also picked her up that afternoon for an appointment with her GI doctor (no new info there, just to keep on going as we have been with the Miralax. I am wishing he was on board with my wanting to get her off of it. Any Pittsburgh peeps with GI doctor recommendations? we already have a naturopath but I like to have a straight up GI doctor too). 

Wednesday morning Sarah was very impatient for the bus to come. That is really a wonderfully amazing thing that she was so quickly eager for her bus ride. Wednesday afternoon when I helped Sarah get off the bus, one of the other kids told me what a good job she did. He said she said everyone’s name on the bus. The other kids said goodbye when she left and she said bye back. Oh my goodness! Fill my heart and call me full. 

Thursday after school she went into my room to play with her phone for 5 minutes. She sometimes asks questions that she hears asked of her. So she said, “how was school?” I responded, “how was school?” She grinned and said, “I had fun” as she shut the door. We have never had that kind of moment before.

We recently retested Sarah’s blood and urine for the naturopath. It is hard for me not to spiral into feeling depressed about her digestive situation. I am the one who makes the food decisions for her so I do feel responsible, though I know I can’t force her to eat certain things and I do make some choices for the mental health of all of us. I am also not her body and I know I am doing my best to help her body. But then I doubt myself and wonder if I really am doing my absolute best. I am certainly not making everything from scratch the way I used to. The good news seems to be that wheat continues to test as ok and she has been having some basically every day for the past few months. Some sensitivities have gone down because of reducing her intake (cashews, almonds, eggs) but now she has a new sensitivity to sunflower seeds! (ARGH!). This doesn’t mean she can’t have them, it just means limiting her consumption. Dairy still tested as ok even though our experiential data seems to be that it makes her itchy. 

I am still dealing with a cough. It is mostly mild or non-existent and then every once in a while it is embarrassingly atrocious. I am so tired of being sick. I keep prioritizing rest over cleaning or dealing with the myriad of things to deal with. I know rest is good and that it is important to get well, but it doesn’t seem to actually be making me well. I am just maintaining my status. I feel like I am drowning in the piles of crap that are silting in to a degree rarely seen before in this house. I just want to get a dumpster and throw it all away. 

There are some things that are so subtle that I wonder if I am imagining them. And yet, why would I have the thought if there wasn’t something? With gymnastics and with Sarah’s language this week, I feel like there is a slight quickening. Not as in speed but as in something coming together with her confidence and ability. My only guess as to the cause is the vision therapy. Certainly it is designed to wake up her brain in new ways so it makes sense that we might see differences beyond the realm of her vision.

As of Friday night, I will now need all new socks. Perhaps you saw my entire collection blowing past your window? Sarah picked up a level 2 beginning reader book that we haven’t read in possibly a year, but that we used to read all the time. She started pointing to the words and reading them aloud more clearly than she normally reads aloud. And pointing correctly. And not skipping words. She only did a few sentences here and there, but they were clear and she was focused and sparkly. This is definitely a new level of ability! To make it all the sweeter, her book of choice was Owl at Home by Arnold Lobel, one of the great works of literature from which I have learned profound life lessons.

We went to a used clothing store to look for winter boots and a small miracle occurred. There was only one pair of size 12 boots. They fit Amy and she liked them! There was only one pair of size 13 boots. They fit Sarah and she liked them! We also found size 2T turquoise pajamas with pink elephants ice skating. This was the exact pattern both girls wore when they were younger and that Sarah has wished for ever since. At first I tried talking her out of them and then I realized that made no sense. So now she is wearing size 2T pajama pants! 

Amy colored in a picture of Hello Kitty with a myriad of colors. I love how Amy uses many different colors within a shape, whether it is a person or an animal. To me this spells a love of all the different colors of people in the world. That may not be what she intends, but it is what I see.

Lots of love to all of you. Thank you for your love and support about the bus and our Pigeon.

December 4

Vision therapy was better this week. Sarah did some things while wearing all sorts of different glasses. It was one of the cutest things ever. She also still asked to go home several times. On Wednesday I met with her occupational therapist to discuss some of the vision therapy things in case she can incorporate some of them, which she actually already does. During the time we were talking, Sarah asked repeatedly to be done and go home. I inquired if this was normal behavior, because I am not normally present for their time together. The OT said no. Ah ha! Sarah is found out! I now want to experiment with not being present during the vision therapy. This may mean I have to hide or just wait in the car. 

Sarah was supposed to start taking the bus on Friday and I was equal parts excited and nervous. Then she was sick Friday morning and I decided she needed to stay home from school. I cancelled my client. Carl went in later than usual so he could take Amy to school. Sarah napped. And woke up completely good as new! That is wonderful! But?!?! Yet, I think I actually needed a day of rest myself and I certainly was never resting enough when left to my own devices so maybe this was Sarah’s gift to me. I stayed home too and napped and read on the couch. I think this is finally helping my cough go away. I have had a cough for over two weeks. It sounds awful. I have felt completely well the whole time. So I just kept going because I felt well. But the cough was never leaving. The doctor said it is bronchitis caused by a virus and may take 6-8 weeks for the cough to go away. I am hoping that with an extra dose of rest I can make that number much shorter. After a few days of increased rest I am definitely on the mend in a way I wasn’t before.

We got our Christmas tree yesterday. It took less than 10 minutes from the time we got out of the car until the tree was loaded and ready to go. Then Amy said it was time to do a Christmas tree performance. She told me I could be the audience.

Anyway, that’s about it. This felt like a short week. Now to start getting anxious about tomorrow morning’s bus pick-up for Sarah. I don’t want to put off worrying. If I do then I might not get it all in! :) She has to be ready 25 minutes earlier than we left the house when I drove her. The pickup is only 15 minutes earlier but she is supposed to be ready to walk out the door 10 minutes prior to the given pick-up time. Fingers crossed that we can manage it. Fingers crossed that it goes well. Her teacher said she will call me when Sarah arrives. Monday and Tuesday afternoons I still have to pick Sarah up myself because she has appointments both days, but starting Wednesday she will also take the bus home and I will get an extra hour in the afternoon. 

November 26

One of Sarah’s teachers told me that Sarah spontaneously came over and kissed her on the head. The teacher said her heart just overflowed.

Amy saved Thanksgiving. I seem to have a thing with turkeys. A few years ago I ordered two heritage turkeys. My turkeys arrived in a brown box with no instructions to open immediately. I put it to the side with some other boxes that I knew were early Christmas presents. And by “to the side” I mean next to the radiator. After a couple days I opened the box and realized my error. Luckily the turkeys had been frozen and inside styrofoam so they were actually still ok, as if they had been in the fridge because they had defrosted to that point. When I complained to the company about their lack of a large label they said I was the first person to ever not open the box right away. Well then. This year I picked up the turkey on Tuesday from a farm-share coordinator. Tuesday was a go go go day from start to finish. Got the kids to school, taught, got the turkey, put the turkey in the trunk, got Sarah from school, zoomed to vision therapy, zoomed to get Amy, went home for them to relax while I got ready for the next day and for my second round of teaching. Luckily Amy happened to ask me how many turkeys I got this year. ACK! Turkey in the trunk!!! Luckily it was still cold and had only leaked a little blood into my car and onto my kitchen floor. Next year maybe I won’t pre-order a turkey from anyone but will go to a store and go directly home without any distractions.

Vision therapy went well enough but I think we may need a different time slot than immediately after school. Firstly, I am stressed to get there on time and then we must leave exactly on time to get Amy. Secondly, Sarah was screaming in protest when we arrived. Sarah’s equilibrium returned when she had a surprise snack of bunny grahams (no other snacks that were offered were considered and she didn’t even know I had the bunnies). She asked repeatedly to go home. She used the potty twice in the 50 minutes we were there. She also played with some toys and did a few things that the therapist set up for her. We have things we can do at home. So I think it went well but I hope I can help it go more smoothly in the future.

Amy sang a song about how much she loves Sarah. One line included “Sarah, you’re the best in the family.” This morning Amy sighed contentedly while saying, “I love you, Mom. And I love Sarah even more.” Carl and I know where we stand! Actually, I think Amy’s heart just overflows with love for lots of people. What two little sweethearts I live with! Sometimes whiny, messy, and obnoxious, but loving sweethearts just the same. 

Sarah asked Carl what he was thankful for. I know that is a question we had been asking and maybe was asked at school, but the fact that she could whip it out spontaneously, appropriately, clearly, and fully is something I am grateful for!

My headache beast is stalking, circling, assessing. I still think I can manage. The whispers don’t go beyond a level 1 and they don’t last for more than about 10 or 20 minutes. The more relaxed I can be the more easily I can let go of the beast. I am still on a bit of medication but it is the lowest dose. I don’t want to increase it. Neither am I ready to go all the way off. Probably not until the holiday season is over. One’s first mountain should not be Everest. With every Jenny-Rise session I get clearer about which specific areas to remember when I am going through noting every taut fraughtness and encouraging ease. It is almost like mapping out which cells to speak to. Last week some of the massage work was around my eye, as close as one could be to my eyeball. There was one little spot that referred to the knife that I feel when I have a headache. So now when I feel a whisper I go to those cells around my eye in that one spot and remind them to sit down and rest. I never thought I would daydream about someone basically sticking their finger in my eye, but here I am doing just that.

While postponing cleaning and cooking on Wednesday, I wrote these poems. My head really hasn’t been bad, but some whispers have been strong enough to inspire these feelings. 

the beast roars with silent teeth

to puncture from the inside

tearing pressing pushing bruising

mouth tightly tautly open wide

panic fills my head, my soul

i cannot fully breathe

I cannot do this one more time

i’m slipping underneath 

a gentle hand tames the beast

holds my fear, looks in my eye

finds the locks and every key

wipes my tears while I cry

I climb slowly, steadily

wrestling my shell

silently praying

grasping upwards out of hell

Those hands again

it will be alright

i’ll make it through,

and sleep sweet sleep tonight.

--------------------------

I am stalked by a silent beast

shadowing my every move

then disappearing so fully 

i wonder that it was ever there

then it clamps down again

teeth gently sharp and waiting

the less i breathe the sharper they are

the beast is me

it is in how I move and live 

i have to love it into oblivion

running makes it stronger

like trying to outrun a bee

it gets caught in my windstream and we cannot part

I have to be so still

so calm

so unhurried

impossibly unbusy

————————————

Happy Thanksgiving. I love you all (and I love Sarah even more!) I send you kisses on your heads.

November 19

I have had some strong feelings this week. 

It is as if there was a party and people had to vote on what food to serve and only one food could be chosen. One option was gluten-free on a paper plate and so a lot of people were not very enthused. The other option was banana bread on a china plate. Everyone who voted for the banana bread said, “the great thing is that the baker tells you all of the ingredients!” The ingredients include walnuts. Over half the country clamors loudly that they are either mildly or severely allergic to walnuts. Those who vote for the banana bread say, “don’t worry, he probably didn’t actually mean he would include walnuts. Go ahead and have some.”  This was not politics as usual. This was under half of the country saying, “we don’t really want gluten-free” while over half of the country was screaming, “for the love of God walnuts are poison to us! Please do not poison us!” and the Trump voters saying, “well, suck it up, you’ll be ok, why are you all so mad?” I may not personally have a walnut allergy, but I care deeply about those who do. Sarah has a literal, anaphylactic allergy to actual walnuts. I have such a sympathetic allergy that I no longer eat walnuts and I nearly drop packages when I see walnuts in the ingredient list. I considered being a walnut for Halloween some year because I find them so scary, thus the choice of walnuts for my analogy. 

Now, moving on…

I was noticing when I was working that I was getting too narrow in my focus, and I was no longer caring for my own body in my effort to help the body under my hands. I redirected my thinking and my movement so I was back in my usual zone of being able to use my body well while still doing effective work. This felt so much better. I realize that I have been moving through life lately with a narrow focus. I have been feeling so much anger. This isn’t all bad, but neither is it all good. I’ve made lots of calls to my representatives. Usually I squirm at the very thought of making a call. Now the numbers are on speed dial. But. I think I can redirect my focus to think good thoughts and have general good use of myself while still taking action.

Last night I felt like I had a rock of anger and terror in my belly and no amount of reasoning would make it budge. So I let myself collapse crying on the kitchen floor (you know I love that floor). This morning I feel much better and clearer than I have in a while. I am also attempting to stay away from the thoughts that created the rock in my belly, but if the feelings are there then I don’t want to ignore them or belittle them for that is the worst of all.

I debated for a while about whether or not to include the first part of this update. Every time I decided I shouldn’t because this should be more kid focused and more upbeat, then I felt even worse because that felt like a lie and the biggest reason I started these updates was to share my actual experience.

I read an essay in which this statement was attributed to F.M. Alexander. “All the damn fools in the world believe they are actually doing what they think they are doing.” I hope I am doing a fraction of what I think I am doing.

As for the girls…

When I picked Sarah up from school on Wednesday I asked her how it was and she said good. I usually don’t ask because I know she will always say good. That is the answer she has learned to say. It doesn’t actually give me information. I then asked her what she did in gym class. She said, “I runned.” This is so beautiful! The imperfection of it tells me that it is her original thought and construction, not just a rehearsed answer that she has learned to say.

Sarah will start vision therapy on Tuesday. It may be that the concussion she had when she was 4 is still having an impact on how she functions and how fatiguing certain things are for her. Her first therapy sessions will be on her way home from school so I hope she won’t be too tired. 

It takes some serious scrubbing to remove craypas from the legs of a child.

In the past we kept a list of Sarah’s rules to live by. I forget them now, but this morning she added a new rule: Don’t get saliva on mom. Right! I often have to give reminders that if they spit on me, lick me, bite me, or otherwise get saliva on me then I will put them down. 

I will close with Amy’s words of wisdom, “When we are mad we forget we love each other. After we get our mad and sad out then we remember that we love each other.”

Thanks for listening.

November 12

This week has to go day by day. You all know how deeply I wanted Hillary to win (I know many of you did too). This update isn’t very much about anything else. When I see my hopeful pre-election picture I want to cry. I’m not ready to take down my yard sign.

Sunday. Monday. Is it Tuesday yet??

Tuesday. Oh my goodness! This is the most amazing, exciting, history-making day. Let me listen to Cyndi Lauper’s “Sisters of Avalon” and feel joyfully empowered. 

Tuesday night. Oh my God. I am going to be sick. Literally sick. I need to calm my adrenaline or I will actually vomit.

Wednesday night. I feel hollow, clenched, sick, and so very sad. My nose is raw from how often and deeply I have cried. My successes for the day include somehow miraculously getting the girls ready and to school on time. Sometimes it is a blessing to have a tight time schedule and a very set routine. I didn’t have to think much, just prodded myself through each next step. There were moments of the day when I even felt ease and joy, especially when I was at work and could just focus on what I know to do in the realm of helping someone else’s body. And then there were moments when it hit me again and I felt like I reawakened to the nightmare. There were many minutes where I couldn’t fathom making dinner. And yet, kids must eat. Thank goodness for my soup order. I had healthy, homemade soup, which seemed extra perfect for my battered heart. I know that there is a possibility that some readers of my writing support Trump. Knowing some people I esteem as friends and family support him has been so inconceivable. At the moment I cling to what I know and love about them and hope that somehow things will not be as bad as so many of us fear. Thank goodness for term limits. Maybe we can take the next few years to push for preference ranked voting and for an increase in polling places and fixing the gerrymandering crap that occurs.

Thursday. Well, I feel better than I did on Wednesday. 

Friday. I want to roar with rage until my soul is raw. For all of those reasonable, smart, loving, thoughtful people who voted for Trump… did you really not understand that some people would use this as a license to do horrible things? REALLY?!?!?!?!?! This is not just that someone in a party other than mine won. At this moment I would gratefully accept Romney or another 4 years of Bush, and that is seriously saying something.

Then there was Leonard Cohen’s passing. I didn’t even know about it when I decided his music was just the thing for me to listen to (after repeat listening to REM’s “Everybody Hurts” so I could sob my heart out.) I love “Hallelujah” and especially this line, "And even though It all went wrong I'll stand before the Lord of Song with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah.” So, with that in mind, I am so grateful for the good people in my life. I am grateful to know some people who supported Trump because I can cling to my knowledge of their good, loving selves. Not everyone who voted for him agrees with the parts of him that are so hurtful. There is a lot of good in the world. 

Saturday. Today. My voice is actually raw from yelling. Yelling at my kids. Yelling just to yell. Yelling because our house is full of too much stuff. Being at a party Friday night where everyone had to speak loudly to be heard. My voice is raw. My soul is raw. Raw and battered. I feel like I am on my knees after being punched in the stomach, looking up at almost half of the country and saying, “how could you?” I have conversed now with friends who did vote for him and I know the reasons even if I disagree. None of their reasons are any of his awfulness. But still. His awfulness is out there, was clearly out there, was and is a model, and many horrible things are happening in his name. This is not ok. This is not at all ok. And yet I love my friends and I know they are good. Most of the country is actually good. So how do I reconcile all of this?

On a positive note, in pre-election days I had unfriended someone on Facebook because on our political differences. But I missed her. It didn’t feel right. Also, where is my walking my talk about inclusiveness and listening? If I want to understand those who think differently from me then by all means I want to start with people that I know and love, people that think very much like me about some other things such as the Son-Rise approach for helping our kids. So I refriended her and sent an apology for the unfriending and we have had some conversation. It feels good to have her back. 

And now here are a few non-election moments of wonderfulness...

Amy has been writing that she loves Sarah in as many different ways as she can think of. Amy heart Sarah. A heart S. 5 loves 9. peas love carrots. red loves pink. cat loves bear. (oh my serious goodness! Does it get any sweeter?)

Sarah got evaluated by a vision therapist on Monday. After 75 minutes she was worn out. I offered that she could have a break and listen to dog music (the album has a picture of Pluto) on my phone, which is one of her favorite things in this world, and she said no. She just wanted to go home and go to bed. That is what we did. I like the therapist very much and I do think Sarah needs the therapy. I have a meeting with the doctor on Monday to discuss what she deduced and what the plan is for the future. I feel good to have started this process.

Amy learned how to button and unbutton buttons! She sometimes seemingly takes a long time to learn a skill, but not really. It is just that she has no interest in learning it until she is ready. Once she decides to learn something she gets it right away.

Writer loves readers. Jenny loves friends and family. Chocolate loves whatever your favorite foods are. 39 loves whatever your ages are. 

November 5

On Halloween the girls were super excited all day about going trick-or-treating. I had loads of stuff ready to trade for whatever Sarah brought home. There was a ton from school, most of which she couldn’t have so I swapped it and re-gifted it to trick-or-treaters. Getting ready involved some yelling by the ladies of the house. Any endeavor involving time and kids not listening to me and wrestling with each other when one doesn’t want to wrestle is not the scenario that shows off my best qualities. Still, we made it. We were all dressed and ready by the designated start of trick-or-treating. I stayed outside for a while to hand out treats but then decided it was too cold and I could just be inside and take off my big shoes. At precisely that moment I was informed that Sarah was coming home and was done with trick-or-treating. She was eager to have a treat. I swapped goods and let her have two treats. Then she wanted to go back out! By that time Carl and Amy were far afield, relatively speaking. Sarah, by her own admission, is no good at waiting. There was lots of screaming and crying. I was gruff. When Carl returned he took Sarah out again and Amy stayed home to have some of her treats. Then Amy helped hand out our little bags of Bunny Grahams to the kids who came to the door. Amy was the most earnest hander-outer I have ever seen. My heart just about couldn’t handle the strain of adorableness as she sat on the top step on the porch just waiting, packet of grahams in her hand.  The thing I am most proud of in the whole evening was noticing when I was starting to label myself as the worst mother ever because of how grumpy and gruff I had been with Sarah. The thing is, to follow such moments with beating up on myself doesn’t actually help matters at all. Neither does being grumpy-gruff but let’s keep it to one emotional u-turn at a time. I felt good that I regrouped and gave the girls snuggles and apologized for being on the wrong ball (that is what we say when one has been in a foul mood). They snuggled back and we were all in good shape together. I realized again that I don’t need to be the perfect never-yelling mom. I just need to show them that it is ok for a person to have emotions and that I still love them and the world is still ok. This is good because I don’t expect to become the perfect mom anytime soon so it is a relief that apparently good-enough might actually be good-enough. And, while I have not yet not yelled in certain moments, I do have a different voice in the back of my head occasionally pointing out that when I yell I really don’t at all get what I want and it is not serving my purpose. (but are you sure? maybe if I just try it one more time…)

About a week ago I backed off my headache medicine another notch. By now my body is at the new level. I am having some stronger whispers, which is good or bad depending on how you look at it. Through the lens of fear, then ACK!!!! Through the lens of love and hope, then this is good information about what I am doing with my body. During my Jenny-Rise time on Tuesday I felt like I began the time all tight everywhere and by the end I could breathe again. I also was aware that my right shoulder blade on the outside edge is where I have some control battles with myself. While J held his hands there I could witness my muscles having a conversation about what to control and what to let go and when. It is so exciting and humbling to continually discover how much my thoughts are expressed through my muscles. After my session on Thursday the whispers have been very wispy and almost not there. Until this morning when I was thinking about all of the various food things I have committed to and trying think about how to be organized and what to actually make. Voila. WHISPER of a headache to a notable degree. This is so wonderful to notice the immediate correlation between my thinking, planning, and being organized and my headaches. I think I can still be organized, but I do need to be careful about when my thinking is actually productive and when it might be harmful.

There was another moment of learning. After Thursday’s Jenny-Rise session I felt so deeply good, calm, and healthy that I absolutely was not tempted by the small pile of Halloween candy for the grown-ups. Then something happened Friday afternoon where I was hungry at the same moment I felt a tiny bit grumpy so I reached for one piece. I know already that crap chocolate makes me sneeze. This time the correlation of my feeling worse physically and emotionally was so obvious I couldn’t possibly ignore it. I also yelled at my kids more loudly afterwards than I had in the previous 24 hours. Hmm. Embarrassing to notice and admit but freeing for my future self. No more crap chocolate. Because, you see, if I eat the stuff that I make then I don’t feel sick and I’m not extra grumpy. Problem solved.

Thursday night I witnessed the beautiful parenting art that is Carl. I love these small moments so hugely. He was encouraging the girls to get ready for bed and they were being slightly recalcitrant. He started singing the Boyton “pajama time” song but with a few different words. This evolved to everyone adding different things that were wearing pajamas. It was word association at its finest. I loved getting a window into how the girls think. I love that in this house when someone says “pajamas on a forehead” it is followed by the actual chin press and “pajamas on a chin press.” I love how Carl can take moments where something needs to happen and use play to achieve the desired goal. He does it so calmly, easily, and truly.

Sarah loves pretending to be a t-rex attacking Carl. Amy often joins in too. This morning he said the t-rex had cold claws. Then Sarah started pretending to be a sticky eyeball that she got for Halloween. She pretended to stick to Carl. There was much snuggling and laughter by all. And then I had two kids clambering on me and realized that while part of me loved it, there was all sorts of bracing and tension going on in my body to help protect myself from unintended injury. It is so good to notice because then I can let it go more quickly. 

My SR time had lots more kisses and I love you’s and snuggles. I love that this is our new thing. I felt like we just really had an easy time being together overall, including when we were both snapping and unsnapping a pair of tear-away pants that have snaps for the entire length of the legs. It had been a while since I joined her in an ism. It is such a nice experience.

During Sc’s SR time, Sarah went to read the words on her Klean Kantine bottle. What she came up with was “Clinton Kaine.” I like the way her brain works! (Remember to vote on Tuesday if you have not already!)

Sarah has been reading out loud from Owl Moon, by Jane Yolen, and We Had a Plan, written by Carl Wellington and illustrated by Jenny Briggs, much more than I have heard her doing in the past. She knows both books by heart, but she was still following along with the printed words or at least using what she saw to cue her memory.

Sarah did beautifully on her spelling test at school! She got all of the words right! These are simple 2 and 3 letter words. Still. Still. How incredible to be at this moment now.

I have started the wheels in motion (ahem) to get Sarah on a bus to and from school. ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This feels scary. Exciting too. This will mean she probably has to be ready 15 min earlier in the morning, so that part is no picnic, but it means that Amy and I don’t have to be as hurried. It also means that in theory I could see more clients or teach an afternoon class. So far I have only been able to teach the afternoon classes where it is ok if I show up over an hour late. To teach would still mean getting a sitter but that is much easier than arranging to have someone go get Sarah from school. This means she won’t get her preferred tunes to and from school or the snack she eats on the way home, but I’m assuming she can survive that. I feel like we have graduated to the next level. 

When something is exquisite I want to revel in it and enjoy it as much and as often as possible. Why not? Life is limited. Let's fill up. This means two Jenny-rise sessions per week when scheduling allows. This means snuggling with Carl and laughing together while eating delicious food, whether gourmet or pizza or the best coconut cake from the co-op. This means getting my favorite eclair. This means reading for fun and listening to music of my choice as often as I am on my own (I give the kids preference in general when they are around). This means going to a bakery with Amy when she has an early dismissal. This means taking the time to walk, to breathe, to do constructive rest or stretching, to sit in my fairy glen, to revel in being alive. I want to fill up my soul with the exquisiteness of the people in my life. My life is overwhelmingly abundantly full of amazing people. How did I ever get so blessed?

I hope you all may find some exquisiteness in which to revel. 

October 30

When I dropped Sarah off at school one morning I saw an eighth grade girl bend down to make smiling, welcoming eye contact while reaching out her hands to greet Sarah. I hadn’t witnessed that before and my heart just melted that these students have embraced Sarah so literally and figuratively. 

This week Carl and I had an IEP meeting with Sarah’s main teacher and the program director. I feel so good about Sarah’s school and how all of the grown-ups seem to truly appreciate her.  I feel like there is thoughtful creative care being given to Sarah. They said they have already seen progress since the beginning of school. And Sarah’s word recognition was noted as impressive! YES!! 

That said, IEP meetings are interesting emotional affairs because I compare Sarah to “normal” more than I usually do. When I stay with only comparing Sarah to Sarah then I continue to be amazed at how thrivingly bright and incredible she is. When I compare her to where I think she maybe should be or to Amy or neurotypical peers then I can go down a sad and sometimes fearful road, guilt-ridden that I should have somehow done morebetter. That should really be a word. Morebetter. It also feels strange to move back into regular parent mode instead of Sarah-Rise Team Leader mode. One could say I am still the team leader in the way that parents maybe always are, but I am no longer the one running the meeting, setting the goals, and answering questions. I am still contributing, but it is different. Part of me wants to get my empowered, enthused team-leader self back in action and the other part of me is so glad that self can just go take a nap. 

Amy is doing beautifully in school. She is learning things so spongefully, quickly, and delightedly. I do not have to work at it a dang bit. I will take that and run with it. Or rather, not run with it, because I don’t have to!

Tuesday morning Amy was given a hall pass to go see the nurse to get weighed and measured. When did she become such a grown up as to go off on her own with a hall pass to a place where I don’t even know where it is???

In general, Amy has been doing a beautiful job of assisting Sarah with small easy conversations, which is one of our goals for Sarah as she learns to interact more with peers. This is all Amy’s idea of play. Amy will try engaging Sarah in a back and forth discussion regarding their favorite colors or other favorite things. She will tell Sarah what to say if Sarah is silent. While normally Amy’s attempts to control Sarah don’t work and are not my favorite, in this case it seems to work wonderfully.

Last weekend we went to a Halloween party. The girls were clamoring to go as soon as we got up in the morning so it was rather a long wait until 6:30pm. That gave Carl time to make my new BFG shoes. He took some of his old shoes and attached blocks of wood to them. They are much easier to walk in than the 5” heels I used the last time I wore the costume, but they still take some work. They are heavy! They are roughly 4.5 lbs for each shoe. Anyway, the girls did wonderfully at the party and we let them stay up way past their bedtime. When I finally tucked them into bed Amy said, “Mom, I love you. And I love Sarah. I really really really really really like Sarah a lot. I love her. She is the one I love the best.”  Ok, melt my heart now. 

Friday night we went to another Halloween party and this one involved a lot of walking. People wearing normal shoes may not have noticed that there was a lot of walking. And that there were stairs! Have I mentioned that my shoes were heavy?? The sacrifices we must make for art!

Towards the end of my SR time on Thursday Sarah asked how much time was left. I checked. Three minutes. She was already on my lap and we were facing the mirror. I threw my arms around her and said, “we only have 3 minutes to snuggle!” I hugged her and kissed her enthusiastically while she laughed. Then I paused. She repeated that we only had three minutes to snuggle, although you probably wouldn’t have understood a word because she was instantly in her super excited speedy speaking mode where all sounds blur together. We had a wonderful three minutes.

When we returned from gymnastics yesterday Amy got hurt a bit as she exited the car. I sat on the front steps with Amy on my lap. Then Sarah came over and sat on me too and said we only had three minutes to snuggle. I knew what that meant! Exuberant snuggles for all! I loved this moment for itself and even more for the contrast with the moments just prior when I had been feeling annoyed at my children and annoyed at how injury prone Amy is. When I first sat with Amy I reminded myself to just be as present as possible because usually in the present moment everything is actually ok. I love how being so present allowed me to let go of my anger and then led to that amazing snuggle moment. 

I have been focusing more on my left side. My left side is never the problem and never complains but that means I tend to ignore it. What if that is part of the problem? I am figuring that I just need to shake up whatever has been an unexamined habit, such as always carrying bags on my left arm. Maybe paying more attention to my left side can give my right side more slack to release some tension. Everyone once in a miracle moment I also have the image of responding to the girls in such a way as to give them more slack when they are struggling. Often I respond to whining and screaming with my own grumpiness. This week I have had at least two moments of knowing that their upsets were probably due to overload or hunger and I have been able to cleanly respond with love, giving them slack instead of adding to their tension. One specific moment was when we got back from the Halloween party on Friday and Sarah was screaming about not wanting to get out of the car. I asked if she was overloaded from the party. She said yes and allowed me to easily scoop her into my arms. I love how body learning helps me so much with parent learning and vice versa.

Lots of love to all of you. I hope you know that you are already wonderfulbest.

October 22

Henceforth, Amy's favorite color is no longer pink. It is red, to match her new dress. Her favorite letter is now R (rather than A, M, Y, or S). On the drive to take Sarah to school on Wednesday, Amy belted out a song about all of this. I loved looking in the mirror to see her with her eyes closed and her mouth open wide as she joyfully sang as loudly as she could. Meanwhile, also on Wednesday, our little gym-uniform-lover decided to start the day half an hour early and be dressed and ready to eat at the time she is normally being a light bandit and turning off every light we turn on.

On the drive to school another morning Amy said she had a bite on her neck that was itching. She said, “I think I know how I got it. It was at recess and I think there was a bug that saw me and I didn’t see the bug. It might have been a mosquito.”

Over the past few weeks I have changed how I do dinners and desserts for the girls. I used to always let them have a treat in the morning (as long as they had a veggie first). They would rarely get an evening treat. Now they sometimes have a morning treat (after a veggie) and basically always get an evening treat if they do a good job with dinner. I am not giving them choices anymore as to what is for dinner. It always includes one or two veggies and those vary. Before implementing this change I realized that we were basically down to each child eating one kind of veggie and they weren’t the same. Amy ate frozen peas (still frozen) and Sarah ate dilly carrots. Now they are eating more variety with less complaint. We even had grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup one night! Sometimes doing things so normal feels incredible.

Amy’s school had a fall festival. For part of it there was a concert of students playing various instruments. Both of my girls immediately sat down and listened and clapped after each song. Are these my children? I was rather stunned. After a few songs Sarah wanted to stand and wanted me to leave (she always wants me out of the room when she watches tv shows too). Still, I hadn’t anticipated how much they would like the concert and attend to it with no prompting on my part. 

I love how Amy moves through the world. She is so delighted to see her classmates outside of class. It is as if she has discovered a treasure each time. When I take her to school in the morning they all greet each other with joy and they say goodbye at the end all of their own accord. I love how Sarah moves through the world, delightedly using a person’s name and then telling them something, such as that the next day is Wednesday and she can wear gym clothes!

About soup: there is a woman who cooks delicious soup with local ingredients and sells it to people in the neighborhood! All I have to do is order it online and then pick it up on a nearby porch on a designated day. I have known about this option for a year but didn’t try it because I make my own soup. Yes, but. This is so awesome to pay someone else to make soup for me! Lots of different kinds of soup! Delicious soup! This is changing my life!

On an only slightly more profound note than this amazing soup discovery...

I experienced grace this week more deeply than ever before. I could feel that grace, love, and wellness were there for me and all I had to do was accept them. I didn’t have to change or become better first. Grace comes from letting go, letting in, letting be. I felt like I had taken my broken imperfect self to God’s workshop and God said, “oh we just need to do a little of this and a little of that to help you feel better.” And there was grace just waiting for me. It was like standing in the surf and having the water move really far back so I could see. Then the water rushed back a couple days later and I felt like I had been knocked over by a wave and I couldn’t tell how to get back to the air. I cried about everything. Carl held me and listened while I poured out every detail. Sometimes it can feel as if all the little details that may usually be of small concern build together into the wave that knocks me down. I am feeling better today, though I’m still struggling a bit with who I am and how I am in the world.

I think when we lose the sense of grace it is like searching for the pencil that we stuck behind our ear. We are carrying it with us the whole time. 

I hate losing my pencil!

October 15

These updates have changed a bit from their original Sarah-Risey focus. If you only read the blog format and would like to be added to the email list, send me an email at jbriggs1@mac.com. I will no longer post regularly to the Son-Rise Facebook groups. That said...

I think how I respond to myself is how I parent. I have compassion and creativity in many situations. And sometimes I get tight and panicky and have zero space or tolerance and I yell and demand immediate changes. CALM DOWN darn you! RIGHT NOW! RELAX! LISTEN TO ME!!!!! Unfortunately, this proves time and again not actually to be the most effective route. I also think I could perhaps learn from my loving parenting choices about how to be kinder to myself, telling my tight muscles what a good job they are doing and how much I love them.

Wednesday night, Sarah had a party in the middle of the night. Luckily we have two parents, one of whom is patient and kind even in the middle of the night. The other parent is me. I went instantly to threatening to take away things if I was not listened to. I was desperate. Carl not only handled Sarah calmly and kindly, but he gently mentioned to me that he didn’t think threatening to take away things was the route we wanted to take. I love this man. I love that he can be so steady that I can learn from him even in the wee hours. I often go from zero to 60 on my panic-ometer very rapidly. Either I am so clear about things that I won’t panic and get tight at all or I skip any intermediary process and go right to full on tight-panic-threatening mode. (why waste time, really?) I do this with my body pains and with my children. I am hopeful that untangling either strand will help the other strand unfurl.

When Amy suddenly gets sad she describes it as her snuggle tank being empty. This week I had a few moments where I felt like my snuggle tank was suddenly empty. They were moments where I felt incompetent, frustrated, and like a failure of a parent or person (for relatively minor things). Interestingly enough, my shadow headache and strong tension patterns were immediately active. So was the self-judgement and panic about the tension. Things didn’t really calm down until I was talking with my mom and she commented on my language choices when describing my situation. She suggested that perhaps there could be gentler language and a kinder regard for my situation. Once I shifted to more kindness then my tension abated. So obvious and yet so continually elusive!

Recently I had tried increasing my headache meds (under the supervision of my doctor). She had me do an EKG to make sure my body was handling it ok. It wasn’t, so I backed off to my original levels. Part of what I experienced with the increase was extreme fatigue that reminded me of being pregnant (I am not, nor will I be), where I just sort of wanted to pass out sleeping all the time. I felt better once I returned to my normal level. After healing from my bad cold, I had a couple days of feeling the intense tiredness again so I decided to back off the meds another level. One theory with the meds is that if my body gets headaches then it will keep getting them because it becomes a habit. Given my new levels of awareness about the various things I do with tightening my body and my success with getting headache whispers to ease if I let go of the tensions, I think I am ready to do this. I do actually want the feedback of headache whispers if I am tensing my jaw, tongue, psoas, etc.

My Jenny-Rise sessions felt as profound as usual, as if I must have instructions written on my skin of where to go and what to do to exactly target what is feeling like a mess of muscle-sick. I had a long moment where I felt like I was experiencing with compassion many years of selves that had been so traumatized and scared by my headaches. I mean, really, how unimaginably awful to wake up many nights in a row (40-ish nights in the original clusters) feeling like a knife was stabbing through my eye and for years no one had any clue as to what to even call it. I have spent so much of my life being scared to go to bed or in such pain that bashing my head on a bathroom sink seemed like an attractive option. This has been happening for some part of each year for the past 20 years. Anyway, during my time on the table, I felt sympathy for my past self (and current self still living with fear), and I felt like J’s hands were there reassuring me that it was all ok and would all be ok. It reminded me of when animals (and people) need to shake after being scared, as if waves of old fear were moving out of me. 

My Jenny-Rise homework had been to notice my outer right thigh. Just to pay attention to it. Every time I do I realize the minimal regard it usually receives. I also quickly become aware of my right pinkie toe and my leg and foot as a whole. If a person thinks they are holding on to something by just one finger then that finger will probably be working very hard. If they realize they are holding on with a whole hand then that one original finger probably won’t work so hard. I think that my right leg thinks it is holding on by just one metaphorical finger. I think my whole headache pattern is holding on by one finger. Bringing in the awareness of my whole body helps. I also think there is probably a larger scope to consider regarding support from friends, family, life, and love. 

It is astounding how much I can know that I don’t always apply to myself. Sometimes I try so hard to hold onto ease that I get myself into the tightest mess. I try stretching too hard or I yell at myself to relax. After two days of getting myself tight and feeling embarrassed about being an AT teacher who was so uncomfortable, I remembered how I tell people to do myofascial stretching. It is different from standard stretching. I tell people to only go 5% into the stretch so they barely feel like they are stretching. After a couple of minutes they can ease into the stretch more, but still aiming for that 5% feeling. Astonishingly enough, when I did this, it helped! I would also like to acknowledge my kitchen floor. It is always there for me. It is the place I go when I don’t feel like I can manage or know how to function anymore. It can help me find such peace and relief. It is important that it isn’t a bed or couch. It has to be a place that most people don’t consider for lying supine or sitting with no purpose. That symbolically helps me surrender more completely to being exactly where I am internally. I almost always feel better after a visit to the kitchen floor.

Now for the girls...Amy loves school. I am pretty sure Sarah likes school. She certainly loves Wednesdays because she can wear her gym uniform. That is the only day she gets dressed with no prompting. Sarah is excited each morning to see the teacher who helps her out of my car and she is happy at the end when I pick her up. Amy runs to school and tells me about her many friends and all the projects she does. This week each girl had one or two days off from school so they went to daycare. On one of the days I gave Amy the choice of daycare or a pancake breakfast at a restaurant. She deliberated long and hard and picked daycare! I love feeling like the girls are in such good hands wherever they are, whether it is school or daycare or with sitters or SR team members (including the Amy volunteer whose beautiful presence gets me in the SR room). I feel like they are celebrated and loved. We really have an amazing village. 

One SR team member is now moving on. N. has been a truly amazing gift of wonderfulness for the past 4+ years. We will miss him and we send him lots of love and joy and celebration.

During my SR time with Sarah on Thursday we spent many delightful minutes with her sitting on my lap facing me and giving me kisses. She would then say what I usually say: “Oh! Thank you!” We took turns doing this and looking at ourselves in the mirror. It was such a sweet and joyful time. Then Friday afternoon I sat on the couch and both girls climbed on me and we all traded kisses and “oh! thank you” for many minutes. I love the love. The moment with all three of us almost didn’t happen. When they were done watching their tv shows I almost turned things off and walked away. That would have been mom-trying-to-avoid-her-kids. I’m so glad I turned to face forward into being with them.

Thursday night as Carl and I were getting ready for bed, Sarah called out. Carl went in and touched one of her hands to reassure her. She held his hand, brought her other hand up to also hold his hand and then gave his hand a tiny kiss. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!! Does it honestly ever get any sweeter or better than that??????  I just can barely contain the adorableness.

Kisses! Oh thank you!