June 7

I think I am finally succeeding in becoming more like my mother. I have so wanted to be the kind of mother she was/is to me, having space and clear attention for my upsets, without needing to shorten the duration of my feelings. Last week I wrote about feeling more truly comfortable when my girls are upset. The big miracle from this week is that I actually kept that beyond my writing about it. Often after I write about something then I let it go, assuming it is an integrated part of me when in fact it is a new and tentative part that requires practice. So, I continue to remind myself throughout each day that it is truly ok if the girls get upset. This is making such a huge difference to my experience. I think it is also shortening the length of upsets, at least with some things such as turning off the tv. I am at peace for much more of my days than I used to be. I am not as scared of my children. I’m not sure I even realized that I was scared of them, but that is really what it was. I was scared of the yelling so I would brace for it or strategize to avoid it. I still strategize and brace some but overall I feel like I have more freedom and ease.

In Alexander Technique terms, we talk about the Means Whereby. That means to let go of trying to be at your goal already and to focus on the means whereby you want to reach your goal. This feels very much like what I have been experiencing this past week. I am noticing lots of tiny moments of increased flexibility on Sarah’s part and the means whereby this is happening seems to be my letting go of needing her to be anything other than exactly where she is. For real. It is sometimes much easier to talk the talk than to really deeply walk it. Not to shortchange my journey so far, but it is always exciting when I think I am understanding something in a new, deeper way that I didn’t even previously know was possible. 

For my latest comfort with upsets, I am very thankful to another Son-Rise mom. I don’t know who it was. It was in a facebook discussion about someone else’s child and their violent behaviors. This other mom said that for her, when she got truly comfortable with violent upset in her own child then it went away after 3 days. For some reason that comment reached me in a way that other reading and instruction hadn’t and I realized that I still wasn’t fundamentally comfortable and that I wanted to be and could practice choosing to be truly comfortable. And here we are. Now, the challenge for this upcoming week is to keep all of this clear thinking and comfort after writing about it today!

Back to Sarah’s flexbility…She has been allowing me to play different music a little bit more often and more easily. After a session in the SR room when I kept playfully asking if I could sing a song from a songbook we have in there, and she kept saying no, the next day I asked again and she said yes! Yesterday morning when she asked to watch something and I said first we were going to do other things, she didn’t get upset at all. She even played a card game with Amy and me. Sonia requested and was granted permission (by Sarah) to try two different hairstyles for Sarah. This is huge.

Sarah had a very hard time when I went swimming at the pool at my office by myself and then came home but wasn’t going to take the girls. I will take them next week if timing and weather cooperate. She had lots of feelings and tears and I felt comfortable just sitting with her and not trying to fix it or shorten it. I felt like she moved through that moment more fully and then was more clear afterward. It may have helped that I reminded her (and myself) about when I was sad on Wednesday with a similar situation. I had been all dressed and ready to go to Zumba and then the babysitter didn’t show up. Apparently we had had a miscommunication. I felt very sad and allowed all of my tears to flow. Sarah sat with me and was interested. In the past when my Zumba plans fell through I would often take that into anger, and often that meant yelling at the girls. I much preferred feeling the sadness, letting it go, and then enjoying my time with the girls. 

We had an awesome field trip on Tuesday. We went to the Trolley Museum, had a picnic, rode the carousel, and played with a gigantic beach ball. The beach ball was a complete surprise and was so much fun for all of us. 

I have been doing more SR time with Amy in the room too. I feel like this is working and expands the play scenarios in a more truly kid-like fashion than I necessarily achieve on my own. It is so much about my state of mind and focus and less about the actual location. I have also been doing more sessions when the moment seems right without waiting to assemble snacks, water, and whatever else I usually do to get ready.

I send you all love and giant unexpected beach balls of delight.