April 11

I am feeling tired and struggly. Last weekend, after I sent out my update, I felt like I should have issued a retraction because everything seemed to go downhill and I clearly have nothing figured out ever and am a very grumpy mom. Amy resists things with great vigor. I resist her resistance with great vigor. I threaten to take away things that she likes. It is no fun for any of us. I have yelled loudly at Sarah to stop when she isn't listening to Amy saying "stop" while Sarah is hugging Amy too tightly. 

Last night I went to a graduation at the school where I sometimes teach the Alexander Technique. When I arrived I was a bit early and I hadn't realized that the first hour was just hanging out anyway. I felt stupid for having asked Carl to come home early. In the graduation program there was a list of all school instructors. I wasn't on the list. I felt lonely and like I wanted to leave, but I knew I had been seen so it would have been poor form to leave. I stayed. I liked what everyone said at the graduation ceremony itself. I learned things. I remembered things. I made good connections with a couple people. I am glad I went, especially because there actually weren't many instructors there, but it also felt hard.

For a few days I stopped reading Conversations with God because I was using it so cruelly against myself. My mom gently suggested that I put it down (after listening to me cry hard for several minutes, with her usual wonderful loving support combined with just the right amount of humor to help me relax into more clarity). Today I thought maybe I would enjoy reading it again. I don't think I was actually ready. It is just so hard to get my mind around the message. It is partly that everything is ok always and forever no matter what. So that is nice. But it is also about how powerful our thinking is in creating our experience individually and collectively... which means I then feel personally responsible for everything I judge wrong with the world and that if only I could have my thinking clearer NOW then everything would be perfect instantly and Sarah would be healed completely and instantly. The question for me to consider is why I feel so personally responsible in such a condemning way. I don't think that is really the only choice out there.

I am beginning to think about my high school reunion which is coming up in May. 20 years. I am excited to see people and I marvel at how strong my sense memory is and that I can still feel some of my old discomfort and fear about who I am, being cool (or not), fitting in, etc. It is also, of course, as always a huge deal to prepare for travel and Sarah's food. I am good at it and I usually over prepare because I don't ever want to not have the right food. I will end my gluten-free experiment for the reunion trip to make at least that part of things a bit easier.

I keep thinking that if only I was clearer and more motivated then we would be moving faster with Sarah's progress. I also think that maybe where we are is ok and it is the way forward to keep bumbling along imperfectly because that is infinitely more than doing nothing. I also think I need to do nothing more and meditate more and that that will solve all of my problems. And then I see a picture of a starving mother and starving daughter somewhere in Africa and my heart breaks and I also think I should always be happy and never complain ever again because I am so blessed. Then I think that isn't quite feasible but that if I at least look at all my feelings maybe that will help the world overall.

Getting the girls dressed in the morning continues, as ever, to often be a struggle. It seems to sometimes help if I ask them if they want to be on time for school. They do and they often then start getting ready. But I dread mentioning getting dressed to Sarah because she usually launches into screaming and protests before I finish my sentence. I have started reading Autistic Logistics by Kate Wilde to help me remember my Son-Rise stuff. Kate Wilde is one of the amazing people who teaches parents how to run Son-Rise Programs. 

We had a dramatic thunder storm on Thursday and lost power for a bit. I got out the cow flashlight, which gave the girls something to fight over. It also reminded me of a time many years ago when Sarah was a baby. I may be misremembering, but I think that in the middle of the night baby Sarah threw up all over Carl and the power went out. We have backup power to our computers that gives us time to shut them off properly. The backup power beeps until it is turned off. In our old house the backup power was behind a desk that had such a long back you couldn't reach under it. So I had to use a long-handled cat toy to press the button. To shed light on the situation I was using the cow flashlight, which moos when you turn it on and then turns off automatically after a minute. It took several moos before I could accurately press the button. And then the cleaning of the baby and bed had to take place. Good times. (Truly a fun memory though.)

I have not cleaned the house (eg. picking up toys, etc) basically all week. I do not enjoy the mess but it feels like climbing a mountain to clean it. I can sometimes put away one or two items. I often feel like I have an internal screamy, resistant toddler when it comes time to clean or do anything I think I should do. This feels frustrating and perplexing given that what I think I should do is my own design based on how I want life to be for myself and my family.

As I write, I hear Carl being his usual amazing self with the girls. I am humbled by how blessed I am to have him as my partner. 

This week I was also aware again of how wonderful Sonia is. She reads my mind and keeps my intentions in her head sometimes more clearly than I have them in my own. She reminds me that I was going to make vanilla pudding or that we want to wait for Sarah to be ready when we do word or math packs. It is amazing to have a helper who helps me be a better me.

Breaking news.... Sarah knew the word "time" without us saying it. It was the new word in a pack and she said it before Carl did. WOW! 

Sarah also continues to be at least a tiny bit more flexible about music and she often asks politely for me to turn on dog music.

This update isn't so much about Sarah. Then again, many of them aren't. It's really a me update, which of course impacts our Sarah-Rise program directly. Thanks for listening.