April 26

This week marks our first exploration of sticker charts. I had resisted them for a long time, feeling like they weren't the way I wanted to parent or weren't Son-Risey. But... neither is yelling the way I want to parent or Son-Risey. Anyway, as an experiment, we are working with sticker charts. I feel like my learning curve is steep in terms of how to do this. For the first couple of days it worked beautifully to have very specific items and then if the girls got stickers for all items in a day then they got to watch an extra episode of a tv show. But... Friday night bedtime did not go easily. That means they didn't get their first sticker for Saturday. That meant, in theory, they already didn't get their extra something. That meant, in theory, I had no power (again) to help get cooperation with items such as leaving an appointment easily. Ack. I decided to add a bonus category so they could still get the reward. But then getting dressed in the morning didn't go very easily and I was getting tight and threatening about not getting stickers. Threatening is not how I want to be or how I want this to work. Carl and I discussed matters. We decided to get rid of specific categories and a specific target number of stickers. Now I just have a piece of paper with two columns, one for each girl. When they do something well, such as leaving the Anat Baniel appointment easily, then they get a sticker. At the end of the day I can decide what bonus item they get because of the stickers. I want all of this to be positive. I really just want more cooperation and less yelling (by me too) and if I can get that and still have a bonus celebration something each day then that sounds good to me. The sneaky part of all of this is that before starting the sticker charts I was already often letting them watch two episodes of whatever they picked (Dora, Daniel Tiger, Caillou,etc). Now the base line is one episode and the bonus is an extra episode. They haven't seemed to notice my trickery. We started stickers on Wednesday and I am already losing my oomph and not sure about if/how to continue. 

Lately I haven't been getting in the SR room much, for varying reasons including needing to get new tires and that taking over twice as long as it normally would due to a bent wheel thanks to a pothole. I want to get in the room more and I am hoping that will be easier once school is over. I am also aware that my energy and enthusiasm while in the room are not as full as they sometimes have been. Thank goodness for my amazing volunteers. Sometimes I feel like I am a dud but at least before I hit dud-dom I trained a super awesome fleet of people to be inspired/inspiring in my stead. And then I think I am being too hard on myself and that I am just too close to see myself accurately and that even on a blah day I still build on Sarah's ideas and am mostly present with her flow of play. Anywho, this is a long winded way of saying I love my team members and think they are forever amazing.

Almost all of our word packs now involve two words on each card. It was so much fun to make new cards, as it always is. I had been uncertain if I would have ideas for two word combinations, but once I started then it was easy and enjoyable. 

I have started buying hummus and guacamole. It is a very weird feeling. I feel like I am cheating with every move towards easier food preparation and not making almost everything myself. Then I realize maybe I was a little tight about Sarah's food, and that maybe I still am.  It is like noticing you have been holding an object so tightly you have to peel open your fingers with your opposite hand, but that you had no prior idea that you were clenching. 

April 19

I have my moments. 

If I were to ever get a tattoo, perhaps that is what it would say. I have moments of inspired, patient, loving brilliance. I have moments of losing my #*%! more than ever and basically having a tantrum in front of the children. 

Often, after I write about hard times or inspirations, then things change. I was really hoping that after writing about the challenges of last week that this week would have been easier. In some ways it was and in some ways it wasn't. My goal for this coming week is to not yell and to do whatever I need to do to minimize the chances of my yelling. This means that I need to prioritize sleep, hydration, not being hungry, and cleaning the house more frequently through the day so I don't spend most of the day stepping over messes and then flip out at the end of the day about the mess. It means taking note of all the things I do rather than all things things I don't do. It means asking for help before I need it.

The thing that I marvel at is how much the girls and I clearly still love each other even when we have so many moments of not being loving with each other. We always are back together with snuggles in pretty short order. I still get chin-presses from Sarah, and Amy still loves to sleep snuggled next to me in the morning, cupping my face in her hands. The girls still get love, hugs, kisses, snuggles, good food, book reading, and playing games with me. 

I have had a couple good, hard cries this week and they have helped clear some emotional cobwebs. Carl has been wonderful, just sitting with me. He doesn't try to fix me or the feelings. He doesn't run away. He is just with me. It is what I aspire to do more often with the girls. I do it often, but not always. Then again, they have melt downs a few times a day where I only have full-on melt downs a few times a year. What never ceases to amaze me is that after a good cry, I can then easily do all of the tasks that had previously felt overwhelmingly impossible. Perhaps if I didn't resist my own tears so often, if I allowed a light rain more often, then I wouldn't need a thunderstorm to empty my clouds.

We have had moments! 

Sarah did an amazing job as the calendar helper at school. Sonia and I were imagining dumping tubs of gatorade on each other in celebration.

One morning when Sarah was resisting getting dressed (as usual), I carried her upstairs (against her will, so that part could use some work) and told her I wasn't going to force her to get dressed but that I just wanted to talk. She calmed immediately. I explained that when she is focused then she can get dressed in one minute and do her hair and teeth in another minute each so that in just three minutes she can be back to playing. She proceeded to get dressed and ready in about three minutes. I was stunned. This breakthrough did not, however, carry forth to other mornings. 

Some evenings it is hard to get the girls ready for bed. We decided to change the rules a bit. If they don't want to go to bed then they don't have to, but they do have to get ready when we say it is time to get ready. Then, if they want to continue playing on their own, they can. So far, they always choose to go to bed. (Last night we all went to bed at 8pm).

Sarah's problem solving skills when she wants something continue to expand. I often keep my phone on top of the refrigerator so it is out of reach. Sarah realized that she can just pull a chair over and climb on the chair to reach my phone. Yesterday, when Carl was outside with the girls, Sarah went in the house and came back with Carl's car keys, intent on opening the car so she could play in it (which is not allowed). Awesome/Oh no!

My best moment of the week was this: Sarah and I were in the SR room and she wanted to pretend we were in a sleeping booth on a train. We asked a pretend conductor for a pillow and blankets and then tucked ourselves in. I was concerned that we would fall asleep so I put my hand on her middle and moved her gently while saying "chugga chugga..." Then I moved her with a big movement while saying "screech!" and looking around with exaggerated concern and bewilderment. I said someone had pulled the emergency brake. Sarah was laughing so hard that she could barely speak, even though she wanted to repeat what I had said because she liked it so much. The moments of pure laughing delight are the best ever. We continued to replay that scenario with small variations for the rest of our time together. The meta level of this moment that makes it even better is that while we were playing we were working on interactive attention span, eye contact, copying facial movements, imaginative play, asking questions, and speech clarity.

While observing G. I realized that there are moments when I am judging Sarah as bad without even realizing I am doing it. G. reinforced that Sarah wasn't to do a certain thing but then kindly explained that she probably had been so focused that she hadn't realized what she was doing. Oh. In that moment I realized how she wasn't being bad. Oh. Can this awareness expand to everything the girls do that I don't like? To everything I do that I don't like? Sometimes I can hear a message many times in many ways before it actually gets into my awareness in a new way. My mom has been kindly explaining this for years, about kids (people) not being bad. Carl lives it. Option teaches it. And yet, I wasn't fully seeing it. Here's hoping I can keep this clarity in other situations.

We now have snail pants galore! L. made a beautiful pair of pants and a pair of shorts. This is totally awesome. The desperation around snail pants is gone now and, perhaps of course, Sarah now sometimes chooses other pants or shorts!

I appreciate the listening, love, and support from all of you. I appreciate that you don't want me to be hard on myself. I will probably still be hard on myself sometimes, and I will still write about it because I want to remember this whole journey and I want to share it honestly and be where I am. So, here I am. Thank you for continuing to witness my journey.

I have my moments.

April 11

I am feeling tired and struggly. Last weekend, after I sent out my update, I felt like I should have issued a retraction because everything seemed to go downhill and I clearly have nothing figured out ever and am a very grumpy mom. Amy resists things with great vigor. I resist her resistance with great vigor. I threaten to take away things that she likes. It is no fun for any of us. I have yelled loudly at Sarah to stop when she isn't listening to Amy saying "stop" while Sarah is hugging Amy too tightly. 

Last night I went to a graduation at the school where I sometimes teach the Alexander Technique. When I arrived I was a bit early and I hadn't realized that the first hour was just hanging out anyway. I felt stupid for having asked Carl to come home early. In the graduation program there was a list of all school instructors. I wasn't on the list. I felt lonely and like I wanted to leave, but I knew I had been seen so it would have been poor form to leave. I stayed. I liked what everyone said at the graduation ceremony itself. I learned things. I remembered things. I made good connections with a couple people. I am glad I went, especially because there actually weren't many instructors there, but it also felt hard.

For a few days I stopped reading Conversations with God because I was using it so cruelly against myself. My mom gently suggested that I put it down (after listening to me cry hard for several minutes, with her usual wonderful loving support combined with just the right amount of humor to help me relax into more clarity). Today I thought maybe I would enjoy reading it again. I don't think I was actually ready. It is just so hard to get my mind around the message. It is partly that everything is ok always and forever no matter what. So that is nice. But it is also about how powerful our thinking is in creating our experience individually and collectively... which means I then feel personally responsible for everything I judge wrong with the world and that if only I could have my thinking clearer NOW then everything would be perfect instantly and Sarah would be healed completely and instantly. The question for me to consider is why I feel so personally responsible in such a condemning way. I don't think that is really the only choice out there.

I am beginning to think about my high school reunion which is coming up in May. 20 years. I am excited to see people and I marvel at how strong my sense memory is and that I can still feel some of my old discomfort and fear about who I am, being cool (or not), fitting in, etc. It is also, of course, as always a huge deal to prepare for travel and Sarah's food. I am good at it and I usually over prepare because I don't ever want to not have the right food. I will end my gluten-free experiment for the reunion trip to make at least that part of things a bit easier.

I keep thinking that if only I was clearer and more motivated then we would be moving faster with Sarah's progress. I also think that maybe where we are is ok and it is the way forward to keep bumbling along imperfectly because that is infinitely more than doing nothing. I also think I need to do nothing more and meditate more and that that will solve all of my problems. And then I see a picture of a starving mother and starving daughter somewhere in Africa and my heart breaks and I also think I should always be happy and never complain ever again because I am so blessed. Then I think that isn't quite feasible but that if I at least look at all my feelings maybe that will help the world overall.

Getting the girls dressed in the morning continues, as ever, to often be a struggle. It seems to sometimes help if I ask them if they want to be on time for school. They do and they often then start getting ready. But I dread mentioning getting dressed to Sarah because she usually launches into screaming and protests before I finish my sentence. I have started reading Autistic Logistics by Kate Wilde to help me remember my Son-Rise stuff. Kate Wilde is one of the amazing people who teaches parents how to run Son-Rise Programs. 

We had a dramatic thunder storm on Thursday and lost power for a bit. I got out the cow flashlight, which gave the girls something to fight over. It also reminded me of a time many years ago when Sarah was a baby. I may be misremembering, but I think that in the middle of the night baby Sarah threw up all over Carl and the power went out. We have backup power to our computers that gives us time to shut them off properly. The backup power beeps until it is turned off. In our old house the backup power was behind a desk that had such a long back you couldn't reach under it. So I had to use a long-handled cat toy to press the button. To shed light on the situation I was using the cow flashlight, which moos when you turn it on and then turns off automatically after a minute. It took several moos before I could accurately press the button. And then the cleaning of the baby and bed had to take place. Good times. (Truly a fun memory though.)

I have not cleaned the house (eg. picking up toys, etc) basically all week. I do not enjoy the mess but it feels like climbing a mountain to clean it. I can sometimes put away one or two items. I often feel like I have an internal screamy, resistant toddler when it comes time to clean or do anything I think I should do. This feels frustrating and perplexing given that what I think I should do is my own design based on how I want life to be for myself and my family.

As I write, I hear Carl being his usual amazing self with the girls. I am humbled by how blessed I am to have him as my partner. 

This week I was also aware again of how wonderful Sonia is. She reads my mind and keeps my intentions in her head sometimes more clearly than I have them in my own. She reminds me that I was going to make vanilla pudding or that we want to wait for Sarah to be ready when we do word or math packs. It is amazing to have a helper who helps me be a better me.

Breaking news.... Sarah knew the word "time" without us saying it. It was the new word in a pack and she said it before Carl did. WOW! 

Sarah also continues to be at least a tiny bit more flexible about music and she often asks politely for me to turn on dog music.

This update isn't so much about Sarah. Then again, many of them aren't. It's really a me update, which of course impacts our Sarah-Rise program directly. Thanks for listening.

April 5

Happy Easter. While I only really celebrate Easter in the chocolate and egg-hunt sort of way, I do appreciate the idea of a new beginning and the idea that maybe all of us could step into a newness of being right now. Maybe I don't need to understand why I was so blah for most of yesterday, feeling like I could barely motivate to move a dish or take out the trash. If I want to reflect and find answers then that can be useful, but I could also just let it be and move forward.

This morning, we did an egg hunt with plastic eggs, as we have in past years. Sarah was the most connected to the activity that she has ever been. She looked for eggs. She found them! She found more than 1! And then she enjoyed a favorite activity of opening and closing the eggs. In lieu of jelly beans I bought a container of buttons for each girl. They both love small things and putting small things in and out of containers. I also got them wooden Hello Kitty pictures to paint. 

For breakfast we all enjoyed a piece of sunflower-seed butter pie on a chocolate crust with chocolate eggs on top. It is grain-free and vegan, using maple syrup for sweetener. Delicious and a bit intense. 

On Monday, Sarah was at school without a personal attendant in the wings. This is the first time she has done this at her current preschool. Sonia was sick and I had a client so I asked her teachers if they were ok with Sarah attending on her own or if I should have her in the daycare that is in the same building. They said she could be at school. Apparently it went well. Yay! 

Sonia was sick for several days so the girls and I essentially had 3 days on our own. We rocked it. We went to a fabric store, a clothing store, a grocery store, playgrounds, and the library. I didn't yell and get super stressed. I amazed my own self. And then once I had help again I felt my tiredness and went a bit into blahdom. And then I felt very disappointed in my tired blahness, wondering what was wrong with me. I am thinking part of it is that when I don't have extra help then I lower my expectations of cleanliness and accomplishments. When I do have my usual high level of help then I expect that I should accomplish tons of things. What I would like most to accomplish would be feeling as relaxed about what I deem achievements when I have help as when I don't. What if I could have the same relaxed flow regardless of my level of assistance? Isn't the biggest accomplishment feeling relaxed and happy about how I moved through my day? I am the one defining when I rock it and when I don't. Maybe I am wrong about when I don't. Maybe I could even see the blah times as rockin'. This is the mental egg hunt of life.

I seem to have stepped casually and unexpectedly into an awesome way to help Sarah with writing and reading. I bought a slant board because I had read that that was good for writing practice. I wrote a message for Sarah using dots so when she connected them she would see the words. Now I do this every day and she is doing a wonderful job with following the dots and reading the message (with some guidance). I love that sometimes she reads something and it seems so easy for her as to not be remarkable. As if it is no big thing! 

With the packs of words we have now moved into one of the packs having two-word combinations. Sarah is reading them without any difficulty! Yesterday she read the newest card flawlessly after only being told once what it was. We realized that she already knew each individual word so maybe that is why it was so easy for her. This is exactly the idea of this method. If we move into each step when she is ready then ideally it will be easy and fun. 

We have finished moving through the dot number cards through 100 and including zero. I now show Sarah multiplication equations each day. 

Both girls are increasing how sweetly and politely they ask for things. I am more calm and relaxed most of the time when I ask for this or wait for it. Overall I am less grumpy, angry, and stressed than I often have been. I'm not sure if this is a change in my thinking or if it is because of being gluten-free for over a month. I hope it is the new thinking! I have been reading Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. I'm finding it helpful and occasionally hard to fully comprehend. Sometimes I use it to feel more relaxed and loving and hopeful. Sometimes I twist the message and use it to berate myself for doing things wrong. Still, overall, I think it is helping me have more peaceful experiences.

I've been thinking a lot about how to support Sarah so she can relax and thrive. When she used to resist potty time, the breakthrough move on our part was to wear her favorite pair of my pajamas and read to her while she happened to sit on the potty, with no agenda other than to read while wearing favorite pjs. Considering how successful this was has helped me be comfortable playing dog music a lot. I have even helped her become a bit more flexible about it by having it set to randomly play from lots of songs Sarah likes, beyond just dog music. The key is to always start with her favorite song from dog music, which is "The Farmer in the Dell." The limit we still enforce is that she doesn't get to look at the picture of Pluto because that involves staring at an electronic screen for seemingly ever. Maybe I could print out the Pluto picture for her. I wonder if that would work or if it is more about the electronic screen? 

I have decided to make her enough pairs of snail pants that she can wear them every day. In the past I kept thinking that it was important for us to work on her flexibility by having the reality be that clothes do need to be washed and she can't wear one pair of pants all the time. There was lots of yelling and screaming unless the pants were taken away completely. She doesn't do half measures well. In the spirit of supporting her enough that she can feel calm and relaxed and then move forward from that point, I changed my thinking. Let's surround her with an abundance of snail pants. The only snag is that the fabric is not being made anymore. Luckily I found several yards at our local Jo-Ann Fabrics. I have since gone to two others and they haven't had any. I have made one pair of pants and repaired her old pair. One of our amazing volunteers has offered to help me make more pairs. Awesome. Snail pants or bust! If I can find enough more fabric maybe I will even make myself a pair. Or we could make Sarah a shirt and dress and hat. This is joining as ism, I just hadn't seen it that clearly in the past. 

At our most recent group meeting we decided that Sarah might be ready to play simple card games such as Slapjack, War, Crazy 8's, and Go Fish. She might also be ready for Hangman. She can play tic tac toe already. Maybe she is ready for the game where there are lots of dots and you make squares and initial a square when you complete it. She has already played War and Slapjack since we had this inspiration. I realized that games that incorporate an ism (aka stim) love, such as turning over cards or handling small game pieces, is actually a great way to help her feel motivated to play a game. 

Our field trip this week was to Sonia's house to see her foster rats. Both girls were very brave, and they petted the rats and held them. Wow. 

I wish you all an abundance of whatever your snail pants are, a fresh renewal in whatever minute you choose, and the recognition that you are rockin' it even when things feel blah.