March 1

It has occurred to me recently that just because I might be unhappy in a given moment or feel struggly about something in our life or program, it doesn't mean that I am failing. This may be obvious from the outside, but it was a revelation to me. While I can speak excitedly about our success and our current program, when things feel challenging then on a deep level I am thinking it means I am failing at something because of my belief that absolute unadulterated success would have a completely joyful Jenny at the helm. And yet, the comprehensive amazingness of doing Sarah-Rise is how much I learn, grow, and change alongside of Sarah. That means that the whole process, grit and all, is what this successful journey looks like. 

I also realized that while I embrace the theory of the Option (Son-Rise) process of non-judgemental questioning of myself/actions/beliefs, I do not actually do it very often. My intention going forward is simply to ask myself why I got upset in a given moment. I don't have to go down a long road of dialogue, but I at least want to take the first step and give myself a moment to think. This is different from what I usually do of mentally shelving it for some future date when I will sit with myself for so long that I will sort out and fix everything. :)

As you know, one of my frequent challenges is when Sarah yells or whines. My current goal with these moments is simply to listen and not need to shut it down. I often feel a visceral need to shut it down, but that hasn't really been working and that isn't being as loving and accepting as I want to be. Not that I will give her what she is screaming for, but if I could at least allow it rather than bracing myself with anger, judgement, resentment, and disdain, then that would be a step in my preferred direction. Or if I need to walk away I would like to do so more cleanly.

We are still going backwards in terms of food as I try to determine the cause of her skin rash that has been present for at least two weeks. Most of the time I am ok with this but sometimes I feel sad, daunted, upset, failing, and despairing. This morning I am feeling ok and more like a detective combing through my records of food and rashes to see if I can find a pattern.... I just discovered something in this very moment and I am super excited!!! I went back to Sarah's lab results from the naturopath and relearned that Sarah is allergic to pinto beans. Half of the Beanitos I was giving her were made with pinto beans!! I had removed all Beanitos about a week ago but sometimes an allergic reaction can take a few weeks to go away. This means once everything is clear for a while I can retry the black bean Beanitos. YAY!!!! And maybe it isn't soy milk or miso (or maybe it is; I will go slow reintroducing these items)! It could still also be bananas and it will be a long time before I try one of those again for her. Another possibility is that since Beanitos and Terra chips are made with either safflower or sunflower oil, maybe she is ok with one kind of oil but not the other. Time to buy some safflower oil to test once her skin is clear. 

I am experimenting with being gluten-free in my own eating. This is relatively easy since most of what we have in the house is grain-free and thus gluten-free. It has been interesting going to parties and realizing that I can't just eat anything and everything. I have more appreciation for Sarah and what her experience might be and why she likes her preferred foods so much. I think I am feeling better being gluten-free but sometimes I think I'm making it all up. I'm going to stick with it for at least a few months. If I do in fact feel better, then that is exciting. I also notice I feel much better when I tidy the house each night. And... I also feel like throwing a tantrum. I don't want to feel better being gluten-free! I don't want to feel better when I clean the house every night! I want to eat wheat bread and have a messy house and be happy with that! La la la! (as Sarah used to yell in protest).

Part of my evening routine involves refreshing the packs of word cards, dot number cards, and math equations. I'm still not confident about how much math is being retained but I think the concept of addition is probably getting through. I haven't presented any opportunities for Sarah to show what she knows because I feel scared of the answer. This is so different from the word card experience where I often give her chances to show what she knows and I am comfortable when there are a few words she doesn't yet know. 

At school Sarah was touching the numbers on the calendar while saying each number. Since the calendar is for teachers only, she was redirected. She went to the word board and pointed to a word and said what is was. Awesome! Another day the teacher asked her what a letter was in a word that they were going to read and Sarah just said the whole word. Yesterday Sc wrote some words on the board during her SR time and Sarah spelled them out and said what they were. 

We now have part of one wall in the SR room painted as a white board. Sarah's favorite book right now is You Are (Not) Small by Anna Kang. During some of my SR time I wrote "big" and "small" on the board in various sentences (Sarah is small. Sarah is big. Amy is small. Amy is big. Mom is big). Sarah read them and wrote her own "Big" in the clearest writing of "B" and "g" I have yet seen from her. One day there was water on the kitchen counter and Sarah started writing numbers with the water with her finger. She did the clearest "5" I have ever seen her do. With Sonia, Sarah copied words that Sonia wrote on the white board. I have a theory that Sarah's writing will improve the more she learns to read because conveying words will be more interesting and desirable.

I started trimming some of the word cards to fit in the storage box (which is almost full) and Sarah wanted to do it. I drew a line for her to follow and she cut at least 3 cards, doing a great job following the line. This was through poster board so I was extra impressed. That takes some serious strength for little hands. After a while Sarah wanted to be the one drawing the line so I let her do so and she did a good job with that too. 

Sometimes I draw circles and model filling them in with circular movements, following a suggestion from another Son-Rise mom who developed a program called "Writing Made Easy." So far Sarah is quite interested in doing her best to do the same movements.

Sarah has now zipped her coat zipper many times all by herself. Sonia and I figured out that there are two key ingredients towards a successful zip: hair in a ponytail and good lighting.

Sarah and I had a full USA geography session where we had a laminated map and scotch tape. I gave her small pieces of tape and pointed to a state to tape while saying the name. We taped the whole US. I don't know how much she retained but I think the exposure to all the names and state shapes was probably good. And it was fun and interactive.

Sonia has been doing a science experience with the girls involving 4 small cups, each containing one of the following: sand, clay, dirt, small rocks. There are cards with labels and Sarah places them correctly each time. The first week they felt the contents. The second week they looked at pictures and said what they thought each picture contained (eg. a picture of a desert). This week they added water to each cup to see what would happen to the contents. 

One night, Carl was reading from a book of Peanuts comics to Amy for her bedtime story. The story involved Linus having trouble with math. Sarah, from her position of already trying to go to sleep reached out her hand and said "For Linus." Carl asked what she gave him and she said "math cards." I love this so much!! I also love Carl so much. When I hear him creatively connecting and trying new approaches to get cooperation with getting dressed I am just so amazed and in love. I also delight in the moments when we give the girls rides up or down stairs, pretending to be horses, ducks, boats, bicycles, or planes depending on the request of the moment. These rides sometimes come after frustrating moments or venting to each other about our stresses and then we shift into play and I marvel at the shift. I love our general delight in play. 

I recently observed a few moments of the girls in their gymnastics class. Sarah used to refuse to even attempt going sideways across uneven parallel bars but now she does it like a pro.

May you be a pro today at any challenge from yesterday (or at least make a wobbly attempt).