January 11

I think the good thing I found last Sunday was more compassion for Sarah. I certainly still had some grumpy moments this week with both children, but I feel like I was able to see past some of Sarah's yelling to the child that she is. Sometimes when I am mad at her for being mad or upset it is because I am expecting her to know better and be more of her numerical age instead of seeing her developmental age. It felt good to hold her instead of stalking off. Instead of angrily thinking she was doing her upset just to get at me, I could see that maybe her nervous system was taxed to the max and she just needed to be snuggled and listened to. I often have this softness in response to Amy's upsets and it feels good when I have it for Sarah too. 

Last week I had described the different energies of Sarah (taut) and Amy (soft). A friend who has known me for almost 20 years commented that she saw both of those energies in me and had always valued the combination but could see that I often had more trouble accepting my taut side. That was so helpful. It was truth so largely in front of my face that I couldn't see it until someone else described it. So I took the first baby step towards accepting my taut energy and I think that helped me accept Sarah more. 

While I know that I am blessed to have Sarah as she is and be on this journey, it is always with the component thought of how we will look back on this amazing journey when she is totally neurotypical and has caught up with her peers. Last night we saw The Imitation Game and I had the first moment of truly thinking maybe it could be an asset if Sarah's mind works differently from the "typical" mind. Maybe it isn't something that will change or that I need to hope to change. Yes, I still want to help her thrive as fully as possible, but maybe I can truly be ok with however things are. I may have thought similar things in the past, but this felt like understanding it on a deeper level, at least for a nanosecond.

The week had many notable moments. On Monday we had an awesome playdate. We have playdates almost every Monday but usually the kids play on their own and just happen to be in the same space. This week there was extensive shared play.

Sarah loves Carl's new jeans and belt. She was busy looking at them when Amy came over and said she wanted to play with Sarah. Sarah thought about it and then followed Amy. Wow!

In gymnastics, Sarah did a bear crawl across some bars. She has never been willing to try this before.

Sonia and I were discussing how much Sarah loves the number flashcards and that maybe we should make letter flashcards. Luckily I organized the toy storage area before making anything because I discovered an unopened box of letter flashcards from Handwriting Without Tears, the same company that made the number flashcards. I spent 30 minutes with both girls taking turns making animals with the picture side of the letter flashcards, tracing the letters with their fingers, naming the letters, and attempting to read words that I created with the cards. Following this success I asked Sonia to make small cards with simple words and some with simple math problems. G. had some successful interactions around the simple math flashcards, making his fingers match the number of items indicated (eg 2+2 would have two fingers from each hand). Talking with Ja. resulted in the idea of printing out several small bicycles and flags and other items of interest so that Sarah could have beloved physical items to count and use for math. I love all of the ideas our team thinks of collaboratively. On Thursday, Sarah and I spent an hour in the SR room using the letter flashcards, number flashcards, and practicing writing numbers in a dry-erase book. Solid academic play for 1 hour. Double wow.

Sometimes I don't know where ideas originate. I'm not sure if Sarah came up with the geography elevator all on her own or if that came from a volunteer, but it is a game she has now initiated with multiple volunteers. She uses the number flashcards to select the floor for the elevator and then the elevator takes them to a state on the map. Her time with G. involved making a blue elevator out of a blanket, taking that elevator to the tenth floor, at which point they had a snack at the rest stop. 

I had a small personal first yesterday when I was doing some Alexander Technique shadowing with a class at the massage school. When I was working with a therapist their client said "wow" just after I helped the therapist shift something in themselves. I have known this kind of moment often but never because of my work as the AT teacher. Awesome!!

I have again been feeling so incredibly blessed by my amazing life, especially my volunteers. I cannot believe how many people have been a part of our program over the years and how many of them have been with us for multiple years and how some of them come back every time they can even if their life is no longer regularly in Pittsburgh and how all of them are loving, kind, and creative. I keep wanting to say "really???" you really want to keep helping me with my life (which is really helping Sarah with hers)?? really????? Apparently they really do want to help and really do love our spunky Sarah. Sarah now almost always greets every volunteer by starting her laser beam of delighted eye contact immediately as she moves towards them, sometimes from the top of the stairs or the far end of the family room. She says hello so warmly and excitedly that it is only through an effort of memory that I recall when we had greeting people as a goal. I love how much Sarah loves her volunteers.

Laser beams of loving eye contact to all of you.