December 21

I wanted to end the year's updates with a positive glow, and I will get there, but for starters here is the honest grit...

This week felt hard. At least for several moments sprinkled throughout. I don't know if this was due to a change in the girls' behavior or a change in my ability to handle it. I kept resolving to keep it together the next moment or day and not yell and be mad and disdainful towards my most darling children. And then I would do exactly what I had resolved not to do. I was back to tightly, tautly ignoring and then exploding. Wednesday night I had a glimmer of realizing how I was being played and that perhaps they know exactly what to refuse to do and when to refuse and how to refuse and how to go tautly boneless and which yell to do to get me over the edge. Sigh. Understanding this still hasn't fully fixed matters.

The moments that have helped me... talking to my mom and following her suggestion to watch something with the girls so we could all snuggle easily, talking to Sonia, and talking/grumping/crying with Carl and having him listen and not boot me to the curb (as I thought was called for). Thursday night the mountain of tight, mad rocks that somehow had been amassing under the guise of Jenny finally shifted a bit towards melting. Amy was upset and I held her on my lap and just let myself hold her without needing to fix anything or change anything, but just to be with her and find my own comfort in nuzzling into her neck. We snuggled for several minutes and then I told her how much I loved snuggling with her. Then I listed many of the things I love doing with her or that she does. She seemed very delighted to hear it. After the girls went to bed I tried to keep that relaxed energy while I did some cooking and cleaning. Then I read a blog by one of my Alexander teachers from my training and I melted further into a teary blob, recognizing so much of myself in the descriptions of protective body patterns of some AT students. If you would like to read the blog it can be found here: http://peacefulbodyschool.com/2014/12/19/on-becoming-a-person/

I also recommend his entry on poise.

I think sometimes my impression of a day gets informed by a very small percentage of time. The days that I think are crappy because I yell are informed by the 10% of the time I yell, if that. The rest of the time I am still functioning pretty well, cooking, cleaning, kindly and creatively interacting with the girls, and generally being a nice person. So why does the 10% win on those days? As my mom reminded me, perhaps my standards are a little high. I think that is especially true after some weeks where I felt really in the groove with my intentions so then my disappointment in the change is greater.

I was thinking this morning about why I get mad or defensive in certain situations (such as Amy insisting that she wants the Donald Duck spoon and no substitute). I think I am hoping the anger will protect me. If I start with doubting my answer and when to hold fast to my position versus when to be flexible, then when the whining and complaining starts I doubt myself further and then must dig in my heels and reinforce my trenches with tight low-level anger. Does this actually protect me from anything? Probably not. I think I worry that if I don't have anger then I will always cave and give in to whatever the girls want whenever they want it and they will never grow up to be good, upstanding, responsible citizens who clean up their own messes and are polite. But, again, why the anger to reinforce myself? Maybe because anger feels strong. I often feel unappreciated when they whine. But is that them not appreciating me or me not appreciating me? Maybe both. When I am fully confident in my choices and my contribution to our life then I don't really wonder or care if they appreciate me or not. I definitely get into some fight or flight energy when the pitch of their complaining reaches a certain level. I feel desperate to change the situation and like an animal who must use prickles and roars to do so. 

Upon reading How the Grinch Stole Christmas this year, I fully relate to the Grinch. I am sick of the noise, noise, noise, noise and I want to gather up all our crap and take it to the top of Mt. Crumpit to dump it. When I am mad or tight then my heart is definitely two sizes too small. My struggles have helped me appreciate Carl and Sonia even more than usual because I witness moments with the girls and know that I would take one path (of tight anger) and I see them gracefully take a kinder, calmer path that actually gets the desired result. I am so thankful for their help and guidance. 

Among the wonderful moments this week... We did an art project with beads and string. Amy was delighted and did lots of beads, all with my help. For a long time Sarah didn't want to do any of it. Then she played with the cardboard box the beads came in. Then she wanted to string beads and could actually do some of them without my help! And then she took the beads back off. And then I left the room for a few minutes and came back to beads strewn everywhere. But it was still super exciting to watch Sarah string beads!

We have had several moments of the girls singing together, sometimes with an adult and sometimes not. I love their shared looks of delight when they are enjoying singing or saying a phrase together. 

On Friday we had a visit from a friend. For the first few minutes Sarah didn't really connect or pay her any attention. However, after Amy demonstrated some of her climbing and rope sliding abilities, Sarah was quick to follow. As Sarah climbed and flipped she had an enormous grin and kept checking in with D, as if showing off very consciously. I haven't seen that enormous level of delighted connection around the flipping/climbing before. It was like a little laser beam of radiant joy.

Sarah's favorite item in the SR room lately has been number flashcards. Sonia created a game around Sarah's love of having the cards spread all over the floor. Sonia gives Sarah a task to do at a certain number, such as finding the 10 and touching it with her left pinky finger. Sarah was totally responsive and into this game. I continued it some during my time but when I prompted Sarah to give me a task then the game sort of fell apart. Sarah continues to count the items on the flashcards, trace the numbers, and has done some addition with one of our volunteers. She has let me use the cuisenaire rods a tiny bit in conjunction with the flash cards. 

Sarah's sneakiness continues. She now uses a chair in the SR room to get items down from the shelf when adults aren't around. This is not good because if she pulls wrong on the shelf the whole thing could come down, as I have explained multiple times. There was one day when it was clear she had gotten objects down by herself but the tell-tale chair was not under the shelf. She must have thought to return it to the usual position near the table. 

I used her love of the song "Dixie" ("I wish I was in Dixie, hooray, hooray...") to have an easy hair washing time with her. Amy kept yelling at me to stop singing, but Sarah's energy totally shifted and she didn't mind the experience at all. I used it one morning with getting ready for the day, changing the words to match the moment ("I was I was in clothing"). 

After the success with the bath I was in a relaxed mode about getting the girls ready for bed and so instead of sternly reminding them for the 10th time to put on their undies, I started singing and dancing: "Underpants, dah dah dah dah dah dah dah, underpants!" What I didn't expect was that both girls would not only comply but they started singing too and wanted to keep going. When Carl came home we greeted him by lining up at the bannister and singing the underpants song.

For Sarah's school there were two events that involved treats that she couldn't eat unless I sent in a version just for her. This sort of challenge is often a bit fun for me, especially when I succeed. I did make candy cane cookies, but unfortunately they were all crumbly when it was time to eat. I still count it as a success. On Friday there was a school party involving cupcakes that the kids would frost and decorate with sprinkles. I made cupcakes and sent in the white sweet potato/coconut milk combo as frosting and freeze-dried strawberry powder for sprinkles. Sarah ate every bite. I may be a grumpalupagus sometimes but I will always find a way for Sarah to have the right kind of dessert! Priorities, people! :)

An extra wonderful thing about our team of volunteers is that even when I am struggling, Sarah still receives a ton of love and support. I feel like a runner who finishes the race because she is helped by other runners. And Amy has her BFF in her volunteer M. When I got out piles of the girls' artwork so they could pick items to give as presents, Amy picked her first item and designated it for M. This was entirely Amy's suggestion. I am so grateful to M. for the time she spends with Amy. It is the only time in the week that Amy gets two hours of someone dedicated entirely to her. Our entire team of volunteers is the best gift in the world for our family to receive. Volunteers for Sarah and Amy, past and present, I will love you forever and always to the moon and back. Thank you.

May all of you who are reading this have ease, support, and love surrounding you.

December 14

Sometimes things don't go as planned and that is the best thing ever even if you don't know it at the time. For Thanksgiving, the white potatoes had gone bad so Sonia and I combined our sweet potatoes, which neither of us eat a ton of, and made mashed sweet potatoes. We learned then that Amy loves mashed sweet potatoes. Because of that I bought Japanese sweet potatoes for variety, which led to my creating sweet potato cream pie. Just use the crust of your choice (if it needs to be baked do that before you add the filling). Bake enough sweet potatoes to give you two cups (without the skins). Puree with 1 cup full-fat coconut milk. Put the filling in the crust. Refrigerate or eat. This is a good recipe.

I wonder when I have a breakthrough and think I have solved life if then I stop thinking the things that led me to the breakthrough because I believe they are solidly a part of my person, when in reality I am still on wobbly fledgling legs. I had been doing so well at ignoring upsets and then I stopped. I started catching the ball of scream and reacting to all the upsets. It has been a rough couple of days. I think I had stopped having my mantra be to ignore things and I think my commitments increased and my sleep decreased. This is not a good recipe. 

Last night I slept 10 hours. The only way I have to sleep in these days is to go to bed early, so I went to be just after the girls did. Now to get back to my mantra of ignoring my children more, at least when they yell. I don't yet have an answer for how to make them do something when we need to go somewhere or do some activity and they ignore me. I hate being ignored. Yesterday I resorted to threatening that they wouldn't get to go to a Christmas party at Carl's work if they didn't cooperate. This did work, but I hate that mean energy I have when I am flailing to feel like I have any control whatsoever. 

On the plus side... the girls have been helping fill our humidifier (and watering the floor a bit in the process). Somehow Sarah has gotten tall enough to be able to turn on the kitchen faucet without a stool. When did this happen?!? 

Yesterday I did some Alexander Technique teaching at the massage school. I shadowed a class that was learning myofascial massage. I haven't shadowed a class in what feels like forever. I had a great experience and I could tell I was calmer about it than I used to be. I still had moments of wondering if I was helping the students at all, but I do know I helped some of them. This is my favorite class to shadow because it involves therapists being still for long periods of time and that can be very challenging. I used to struggle with doing myofascial release because I was so uncomfortable. Then I had AT lessons and was more comfortable and suddenly I could feel what was going on under my hands. I love helping other people become comfortable enough in their own body that they can pay better attention to the client's body. This is all a good reminder that when I am struggling and clashing with the girls, I really deeply need to attend to my own self first so then I can better see what is going on for the girls. Sometimes it isn't clear how to best care for myself when total escape isn't possible. But, I digress. When I was teaching yesterday, I was able to channel some Sarah-Rise room calm presence and not needing anything to happen into my hands-on work. I reminded myself to just be with the students and not need them to change in a particular way, even while I was inviting the change. I love how these two parts of my life (AT and SR) can work so well together and that each helps me be better at the other. 

Our new SR room arrangement with a larger table and two chairs has been working wonderfully. Sarah has done many activities at the table. She and I have played Mancala and Othello. With both games I direct her very specifically for each turn so I'm not sure how much she is learning to play the game, but I do remember learning to play some games in this way myself. Both games have small pieces and Sarah loves to ism with small objects so it is extra exciting that she has been able to attend to my directions for several turns before she says she wants to be done and just play with the pieces. And she has been telling me verbally that she wants to be done instead of just beginning to ism with no verbal communication.

Sarah has also pulled a chair to be under the shelf in the SR room and once pulled down a bin of markers, tape, and scissors. This was when she was on her own. I'm impressed with her ingenuity but this is totally not ok otherwise. The shelf could very easily tip and send her flying under a rain of everything on the shelf. I explained in detail why using the chair was not ok and why she needs to ask a grown-up. It seemed like she understood but she has moved the chair again during at least one SR session. 

Sarah has done number flashcard play with several volunteers in various games. Yesterday she also played the Around the Wheel game with G. for 22 minutes and then later suggested they play catch with a bean bag, which they did. This is amazing. She also often draws a bicycle on the chalk board that I moved to the dining room. 

Amy is starting to branch out with her drawing from just coloring a solid block of color to drawing lines and shapes (blobs). 

Anywho, I hope you are all having relaxing weekends.

December 7

We started our day with a group meeting. I am consistently amazed by my volunteers with their creativity, thoughtfulness, and dedication to our program. Seriously!!! I have the best volunteers! We have lots of new plans for our time in the room and I'm excited to change the room around a bit. We are going to get a slightly bigger table and have two chairs so we can work on having Sarah sit and do an activity at the table with her partner of the moment. We are going to bring back some games of old and introduce new games that she may be ready for. We are going to paint the walls to be chalk boards and maybe white boards. We are going to first and foremost help her express herself when she doesn't want to keep doing an activity. She is very clear about this with body language but we want to have it be verbal and then we will honor it immediately. If she tells us she doesn't want to do something, ok! Then we will gradually nudge towards expanding the length of time she sticks with something that may be challenging or slightly non-preferred. In many ways we have been doing this from the beginning, but it is new to focus on the moments when she suddenly switches to discussing bicycles or sock marks as times when she maybe could verbally say, "I don't want to do this anymore" or "this is too hard" or "help."

At the beginning of the meeting we reflected on how Sarah has changed since we each did our first session compared to our most recent session. We also noted things that felt the same. For me, there is a sparkly silent magic quality to the air in the Sarah-Rise room, and that has been present from day one. I am not always aware of it, but I often am. It is something that I don't experience anywhere else (yet).

Some highlights from the week... Sarah and I had looked at a world map and I showed her where Sb now lives in Brazil. Sarah immediately said "bicycle!" I said we could ask Sb if they have bicycles in Brazil. A couple days later, after we discussed what a tandem bicycle is, Sarah said, "Sarah squished a tandem bicycle in Brazil." Indeed! That sentence melds topics from sessions with multiple people into a creation uniquely her own.

During her session with J., Sarah spontaneously and independently went to the chalk board to draw a bike. During her session with L., Sarah was talking about a red bicycle and L. brought down paper and markers. L. asked what came first, expecting Sarah to tell her what to draw. Instead, Sarah said, "r...e...d." Sonia has been asking Sarah how various words are spelled and Sarah is nailing many of them and is quite attentive to Sonia's help for the ones she doesn't know.

At school, Sarah drew smiley faces on the easel and none of the adults saw her do it. When the teachers asked who had done the drawing Sarah didn't claim ownership, but another child said that Sarah had done it. Sonia said that they looked like Sarah's work and then Sarah did affirm that they were hers. 

Both girls are doing an amazing job of participating in gymnastics and learning new things. Sarah's strength at home on the gymnastics bar is incredible. Watching her control I am struck by how strong her hands and forearms are, along with everything else, and I think this will help with her writing and cutting skills. L. noticed that Sarah's ability to do snaps has improved dramatically in the past two weeks, and I think this is from increased hand strength.

Sarah has taken to saying she is traipsing along. She learned this word from Mo Willems' Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs. I have learned from this book as well. The moral of the story, as Mo writes it, is "If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave." I have been using this as my reminder motto to leave the room when the yelling commences. Combined with just letting the kids play on their own more made this week feel much easier overall than it might have in the past. I had 3 days when I was the only grown-up for most of the day and overall I totally rocked it. We did errands, we did history lessons, we did art projects, and I stayed happy and relaxed 90% of the time. I felt like I stopped being afraid of my children and their upsets. Today there were some hiccups to this new profound simplicity, but I think I am regaining my equilibrium faster and realigning with my intentions. 

On Tuesday morning I gave two small lessons while we looked at pictures on the computer. I showed the girls pictures of the Wright Flyer, the first flight, the Wright Brothers' bicycle shop and bikes, my dad's students making the Wright Flyer, and my dad dressed as Orville. In follow-up questioning to see how much they had learned, I asked who made the first airplane. Sarah responded, "Granddad." Clearly it worked to capture her interest to see a picture of him, but I also have some work to do! (They now both know it was the Wright Brothers). We also looked at pictures of the Big Bang. Then the girls colored pictures of old bikes and glued bits of buttons and fluff on black paper to artistically represent the Big Bang. I felt so awesome and powerful in my educational prowess after the discussions while at the computer and then I noticed that both were done in 15 minutes total! It felt like we were there and focused for at least an hour. That was a bit humbling but I was still quite pleased with the day. 

Sometimes when Sarah is crying she will pause and say, "sniff." Yesterday she did this and Carl asked if that was from Snoopy. In the midst of her upset, Sarah corrected him that it was Gerald (from Pigs Make Me Sneeze by Mo Willems). 

Sarah reached her milestones belatedly and it was easy for me to despair of her ever getting to a certain point. She didn't walk independently until she was almost 3. Watching her controlled flips I am reminded that just because she can't do something today doesn't mean she isn't going to knock it out of the park in the future.