August 3

This has been a phenomenal week for me. I think I am really deeply understanding how important my own self-care is. Am I to let my lettuce or veggies wilt or let myself wilt? Veggies! Is it more important to make yogurt so we don't run out or to make sure I don't run out of my own oomph? Well, usually my answer has been the yogurt and the veggies get preference, because that is a form of self-care so that we all have food and I feel less overwhelmed the following day, etc. But the to-do list never ends. For most of my life I have wanted to get all my work done before I relax so that I can really enjoy the relaxing. Now I think I need to reverse that pattern and that relaxing and having an excess of time for me needs to come first. In fact, the first ingredient to having the Sarah-Rise Program of my dreams is to really fully take care of me. This means paying attention to nuances and taking breaks, when possible, as soon as I feel myself slipping under 90% of good energy and good feeling.

This week I have been taking care of myself more than ever. As soon as I start feeling burned out, I go to my room with my laptop to catch up on email, bills, calls, etc and Sonia hangs out with the girls. Or if Sonia isn't around then I let the girls watch something. In the evenings I've been letting my to-do list be done and sitting down to relax. I have felt rejuvinated and ready for the next day and next SR session, even with nights that were less than stellar. On the days when this wasn't so feasible, by the end of the day I had less creative, relaxed, loving flexibility for everything and everyone.  So, really, the first ingredient is to take care of me and then I will have so much more to give others that is in line with my vision of how I want to exist in the world. You can't cook if you don't have a working oven.

What is extra noteworthy about this week is that after a few days of what felt like indulgent excessive self care, Sarah spontaneously started giving me kisses all the time, or coming up next to me with a smile as she nuzzled in for a cuddle. This may have been coincidence but I am going to bet my program on continuing indulgent self care in the hopes that it cleans the air waves for Sarah's loving self and innate intelligence to emerge more easily and often. The same day that Sarah started giving me tons of kisses, Amy changed her usual, "hey, Mom, I love you" to "Mom, I am loving you." The cockles of my heart just melted all over the floor.

Sarah still puts things in her mouth sometimes but the frequency has dropped notably and the cuteness factor of when she spits something out and says "patooey" cannot be ignored, though I pretend to ignore it to dissuade the behavior.

With regard to going in the room and what constitutes a good session... a big part of Son-Rise is to feel good after any session, regardless of what actually happened, because of how I show up in the room. Sometimes this is easier that others. It is always easy to feel good when we have a really connected learningful time. This week I felt like I was really feeling good about the struggly moments too, believing anew that this is really a great way to help Sarah with her future connections in school and with friends in general. So if there are tears in the session, awesome! If she tries to put something in her mouth, terrific! If she wants to leave early and I don't let her, hurray! If I feel uncertain or my energy flags for a bit, that is great too. I don't have to be perfect in there.

There were a couple sessions where I definitely had moments of wanting to end early because I was tired or at a loss for what to do, but I stayed the course and I'm so glad I did. I understand and appreciate the idea that we aren't to go in the SR room unless we want to because if we don't really want to then we don't have the attitude that will make the most difference. However, I know sometimes I just need to show up and then everything flows from there. Sometimes we start our time and then she tries putting things in her mouth and I feel my energy sink and I don't want to do it, but I stay with it and then we move on and have a time, sometimes even an amazing time. Tuesday morning I didn't have a client so I did two hours with Sarah. There were a couple times when she tried putting chalk in her mouth (though it didn't really bother me) and some bigger times when she really wanted to be done. I knew she was tired because she was up for two hours in the middle of the night, as was I. But I stuck with it. I reminded myself that in school she can't just take a nap whenever she wants or leave when she wants. I told her she could nap later. Believing that it was still the most helpful thing for her to be in the room really helped me stay there and we had two large chunks of play, lasting 20-25 minutes each. We had other connected play as well but whenever a scenario or interaction lasts 20-30 minutes I take note because that is still remarkable. We ended with singing 5 songs together, the last of which was Old MacDonald and we sang 11 verses together. She even supplied some of the animals herself. When I say we sang together, that does mean in unison, but it also means I go really slowly and wait for her to get going and then I join her. Sometimes I sing a few words by myself and then pause for her to sing again, joining her as soon as she makes a sound. 

My thoughts Tuesday morning at various moments: Wow! I am really good at this. I am so good at being in the room and helping Sarah towards our goals. Holy moly I am good! ... but what is the point? Am I going to work my butt off for each small gain? Maybe. Is that ok? Is this an ok thing to do with my life? I think so. If it means Sarah can have a more fulfilling and connected and independent life later, then yes. Is it ok to put so much energy and effort towards helping just one person when there are starving and dying people all over the world? I don't know. Maybe. This is what I can do and maybe there will be ripples outward of people being inspired to do things. Or maybe I am just going to help this one person. Maybe the one person is more myself than Sarah. Am I doing this because I love Sarah or because I so wish to not have a child with special needs? Am I going towards or away? But... damn! Sometimes I'm really good in that room!

This week I was more ok with offering activities and letting go of the outcome, while still feeling good about trying. I did some music and movement and Sarah mostly watched. In the past sometimes I would feel frustrated with this and as if I was failing, but this week I just felt light and free and good that I could offer it and let it be. The same with art projects (mostly). I think I will have a much wider range of offerings if I don't limit myself to what I think will succeed. I will offer, invite, let go of the outcome, and then go watch something with my snuggly girls or go take a break on my own. When I am on I want to be on and when I am off, I want to be off, and I hope to let go of the middling pulling myself through the mud by my fingernails because that is not really fun for anyone.

At the start of most days I repeat several times, "fruit, veggies, protein" to remind myself of my eating intentions. I am now adding a reminder of The First Ingredient. Perhaps that should be easy but it feels very much like cheating, even when I have the kissing cuddly sparkly proof that it may be the best way to help Sarah too. Why do I need a noble reason like helping Sarah to take care of my own self more? Isn't taking care of me the best way to help everyone, because then no one else has to take care of me?

May you all have the time and clarity to determine the First Ingredient to your dream life.