July 19

I went to Zumba Monday night because Carl was well enough to take over with the girls. At one point in class, the instructor said, "Come on, you can do better than that!" In theory she said that to be motivating. Normally she doesn't say stuff like that. I noticed my thought, "you can't talk to me like that! No one can talk to me like that except myself!" What?!

I went to Zumba on Wednesday and had one of my favorite instructors, favorite in part because she seems so kind and joyful. I was reminded how much more motivating joyful encouragement can be.

I have started doing 2 hour sessions with Sarah more regularly. For a variety of reasons I haven't done so  for quite a while. I was still going in the room, but not for 2 hours. The recent sessions have felt easy, fun, and like they are effectively moving us towards our goals. On Thursday I did roughly 3 hours and it felt easy to be in there for so long. Sarah has been connected to me for at least 90% of the time. Holy moly!! My current intention is to do more sessions that are longer, maybe 4-5 days a week getting in there for 3-4 hours straight. I think it will be easier to do it all in one chunk because once we finish it can be harder to get both of us back in the room. I have also started tracking the SR room hours again because I think it actually did help motivate me to be in the room more and when I am in the room more I feel better about our program overall. I also think it could be useful to have the time documented for homeschooling purposes.

Speaking of homeschooling, the paperwork has been mailed! I will call next week to find out if it was received and if there is anything more I need to do. Mailing the paperwork nudged me into a tailspin of panic over our program, feeling like we aren't getting enough hours. That is why I started increasing my own hours in the room. What is the one thing I have the most control over as long as I have help with Amy? Getting my own rear in gear. And the more I am in the room then the more effective I feel when observing and giving feedback to my volunteers. The more I am in the room the more effective I feel in helping Sarah learn and thrive. 

I was thinking about what big ups and downs I experience and how helpful it is to have my pit crew to listen to me and help me back on my feet. My primary pit crew includes Carl, my mom, Sonia, and M. Thank you pit crew!! They witness all my grand ambitions and my panicky wobbles. They help dust me off, mop my brow, and send me back in with renewed vigor. I feel like a race car driver or a boxer, and when I rise it is with increased love, ambition, hope, and determination. Perhaps I am in the boxing ring with my own judgments and fears. 

I've been thinking more about what I need to keep myself ready, refreshed, and focused for going in the SR room. I want to start making more of my choices with that as my underlying motivation.  The main things that keep me from going in the room are fatigue and burn-out. So, I will have more of a priority on sleep and I will increase my appreciation of my breaks, such as when I go to zumba. Instead of seeing them as indulgences I will see them as essential ingredients to our program. Same with reading books just for me. Or relaxing on the sofa with my husband and cat while watching a movie. Essential. I can feel how internally I think I am joking as I write that, but I really mean it and want to remember it. 

May you all have the support you need to be on your best feet for whatever you most want to do with your lives.