June 29

Today is the birthday of one of the most amazing people I know: Carl. When I was younger and searching for the person with whom I wanted to spend my life, I felt a lot of anxiety because I was so worried about relationships ending and I wanted so desperately to know that one would last forever. It is a lovely feeling to be with someone where I marvel daily at his overall wonderfulness as a human being. Carl is able to be present and loving with me through all of my ups and downs and twists and turns. He is present and loving with the girls, creatively interacting with them when I see no option for creativity. 

This week there was a parenting moment where Carl really excelled... Sarah drank water from the water table. Eeew!!! Nooo!!!!! I yelled at her loudly and yanked her inside. Carl then delayed leaving for work to sit with her, waiting for her to regain equilibrium. Then he had many loops of conversation about the difference between the water in the table and the water inside, why the table water is dirty and not for drinking, and the consequences of drinking water from the table (getting sick and we will take the table away), and what to do if she got thirsty when she was outside. It took many loops of this with slight simplifications and variations because for the first several rounds, when Carl asked Sarah if she would drink the water from the table the next time she was outside and thirsty, she said "yes." After many iterations, she finally said "no" and seemed to actually understand. We hope. I was so impressed listening to Carl's patience and his method of mixing explanation with questions and that he kept going until Sarah seemed to have learned the lesson. This time if you saw my socks flying past your window, it was because of Carl.

We are still dealing with Sarah's finger rashes. Whether this is just the same thing that has not ultimately healed or whether it is a reaction to food or something outside that I haven't identified yet, I don't know. I feel so despairing every time the rash flares, especially when I thought it was gone. Yesterday we went for a walk and half-way through I realized the rash was back and that Sarah had a new rash on one arm (which we now think might have been because of the heat). I felt like I was 2 inches tall as I trudged along. Carl gently suggested that maybe I could see myself as a scientist going forward instead of a terrible mother. Hmm. That is a radical notion that I will consider.

Recently my mom and stepdad's beloved cat died. I was talking to my mom about it and Sarah wanted to get on the phone. We have had many conversations about pets going to the vet and not coming back, so Sarah is familiar with the scenario, though she hasn't dealt with it personally yet. She told Mom-Mom that the kittie was going to the vet and that Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop were sad and that she would give them a kiss to help them feel better. She kissed the phone and then said she wanted to give Pop-Pop a kiss. She waited while he came to the phone and then kissed the phone again. She was attentive and focused the whole time. So sweet!

Carl brought home a soccer ball and some orange cones and the girls enjoyed playing with him. Amy evidently excelled at making very difficult goal post positions. Sarah succeeded at making several goals. Yesterday at a birthday party we realized the glaring hole in our parenting to date...our girls do not know how to hold or swing a bat. Egad! Time to remedy this post-haste! Speaking of the birthday party, Sarah did a wonderful job participating in decorating a paper bag. I felt like she didn't get lost like she sometimes does. She had many moments of solitary play but the bag activity wasn't one of them.

We did a round of music and movement this week. We haven't done this in ages.  I have offered it occasionally and been ignored or rejected. This time they were eager and they participated and even asked to continue when I paused to do something else. Wow. That was encouraging.

I had a wonderful SR session early in the week. I brought out number flashcards and decided to stick with them for as long as I could in whatever way that happened. We traced the numbers with our fingers, we lined them up in two matching rows. I sang many rounds of "the ants go marching" with increasing movement on my part, waving the number cards around or seeking with pretend franticness and needing her help to find a number. Sarah was sometimes very attentive and sometimes not, but I kept going because she was attentive enough. I changed the lyrics to "the sarah's go marching" and gave directions for what to do and sometimes she followed the directions. What was most exciting and surprising was when she asked me the next day to go play in the SR room with the number cards. I attempted to do other songs with numbers on day two and that came to a grinding halt when I tried "5 little ducks went swimming one day." Since I was feeling sick that day I let the session end. What I love about both play sessions was how much more creative I became when I decided to limit myself to one toy plus my antics and ideas for as long as I could.

Sarah has had a few doctor's appointments recently so we have had lots of time waiting in small rooms with not much to do, and she hasn't wanted to read the books that I brought. It was an epiphany to realize that I could sort of do SR and that time alone in a small sparse room is something I practice often, rather than something new and difficult. The difficulty is that the rooms tend to have lots of items that are reachable but off-limits.

My challenge for the week was that I felt like I had a bit of a stomach bug for a couple of days. I also had a sleep study done one night and it was more stressful than I anticipated. I thought it would be awesome to have a night by myself with no kids to wake me. I hadn't understood how many wires would be attached to me and that I would have stuff up my nose and around my chest and waist and clipped to one finger. I slept enough for them to get enough data (I am still waiting for the results) and then I left early because I wasn't able to fall back asleep. It was divine to crawl back into my own bed. The reason for the sleep study is to check for sleep apnea in case that could be a factor in my cluster headaches. 

Recipe correction from last week: for the chocolate bread I use only 1 tbsp of ground flax per egg as an egg replacer. (I have now fixed last week's blog entry).

Yesterday Carl helped Sarah type a message on his phone, assisting with the spelling. It seems a bit profound somehow.

"A birthday party. Having cake with Sam. Doing your fingers. Are purple. At 3 o'clock."

June 22

At the beginning of the week I thought I had an epiphany of understanding that all I had to do was keep prioritizing happiness and everything would work itself out. I had a couple of amazing, powerful, clear, present, loving days where I was impressed with how well I was interacting with the kids especially around their upsets. I acknowledged their feelings and listened and didn't feel any need to stop the upset. Then the underwear fight happened. On Wednesday night I made a deal with the kids that they could have ice cream if they agreed that after the treat they would get ready for bed quickly and easily. It doesn't work to make a deal with a three year old when I do my part of the bargain first. Sarah did pretty well with getting ready for bed with few prompts. Amy refused to put on underpants or do anything. I completely lost my composure, presence, and happiness. I yelled, screamed, stomped, and hit the wall. Then both kids were crying and I was still mad. I felt like I had been betrayed in the deal we made and for some reason I felt desperate for them to be in bed (perhaps because Carl was out of town and the sitter's car broke down so I didn't get to go to Zumba). 

I haven't lost it so largely in a long time. I felt confused in the moment as if this tide of emotions came out of nowhere. Within about ten minutes I regained my footing a bit and we had good cuddles and talked about being on the wrong ball and being borkupines (porkupines) which is a reference to a favorite book about when a mom is mad. So we ended well and lovingly, except I continued to beat myself up about it (and still do a bit). Going forward I think I need an emotional back-up kit to use as soon as a planned Jenny-time gets taken away. It often seems fine in the moment but I think I need to see it as a red flag to tread carefully and gently with myself and the girls, quickly planning some form of Jenny-something so I don't start to feel desperate and martyr-ish. I could also use the red-flag to help me remember my intention of how I want to be with the kids.

When they were in bed Wednesday night, I started cleaning the kitchen and doing some cooking and then I stepped in cat vomit. Carl was supposed to return on Thursday evening but his flight was cancelled. Luckily I was able to arrange for a sitter and I went to Zumba after work. This felt like a great plan and I might have been grumpy if I didn't have the opportunity, but I spent the Zumba class being a bit harsh with my body judgements. Then I went home and had salad with bacon and strawberries and a huge piece of chocolate cake. And then I couldn't sleep. So the first half of the week felt awesome and the second half felt rather miserable. 

I feel like I've been struggling a lot lately, feeling like things are hard, feeling overwhelmed especially regarding home schooling, feeling like I am not running a good Son-Rise Program, feeling like an ineffective team leader, etc. And then I feel bad because I am struggling and I think people will wonder why I am running this program if I am so miserable. The reason is I still think that even with my struggly, bumbling times, we still have lots of really good times and that just being at home a lot helps Sarah learn things in a more digestible, familiar environment than being in a different setting. We can do food and potty-time with relative ease. Days are long so even if I feel crappy about some portion of them, there are still lots of good parts. It is just that days have a lot of moments in them. Perhaps some upset comes from feeling like things shouldn't feel hard and that if I'm not happy and inspiring all of the time then Sarah won't progress and won't completely heal. Maybe there is some truth in that, but maybe not absolute truth, given that she seems to be progressing even when I'm not happy all the time.

I also keep comparing myself to other Son-Rise moms I know who seem to have it all figured out, being happy all the time and having happy kids who understand how to choose happiness. But I realize that I don't actually know very much about their days or emotions. I am just making it up that they have it all figured out. Or I compare myself to stay-at-home moms in general and I feel like a wuss that I have such trouble even when I have an abundance of help. However, I don't really know how those moms feel or how much or how little they struggle.

Friday and Saturday we had an outreach with M. This was super, amazingly, awesomely helpful. M. observed most of our team playing with Sarah and gave us feedback. She also played with Sarah while I observed. As with previous outreaches, I learned so much just from watching M. She kept going with play scenarios for much longer than I do, even when Sarah's only participation was watching. The next day I heard Sarah by herself, quoting M.'s play about being stuck in a tree. Sarah was totally drinking it all in. I expanded my understanding of how I can continue to build ideas within a game in all sorts of directions. I was reminded how much more effective I feel when I have an idea for play before I enter the room. 

For part of my play session with Sarah, I brought out several sheets of paper and had Sarah write some of her favorite sounds on them. The sounds are mostly from a different game I created so I knew she liked them, and I added a couple more. She wrote: la, ma, wa, yip, and gah. I spread them out on the floor and hopped on them, saying the sound as I hopped. I lost my balance and grabbed for Sarah to help me. I encouraged her to hop and she did with two feet. The paper stuck to her feet a bit. I held her and moved her legs so she could hop alternately on one foot. She giggled a lot with that. Then we switched to sitting and hitting the paper with our hands and saying the sounds. I kept reminding her to say the sounds and she did. I rearranged the papers sometimes and it started to seem like a great reading exercise. She was knowing which sound went with which paper. That felt awesome and fun. Then when her attention seemed to wane I packed up the pages and put them away. What I now understand is that I could have introduced the game again with new variations. For instance, I could have held one page and run around the room making the noise. I could have tossed the paper in the air. We could have worn the pages as hats. I could have written a song with only those sounds. We could have made more pages with new sounds. We could have made smaller papers with sounds and played a memory game. We could have written a story about the game we just played, drawing pictures of ourselves hopping on paper and making noise.

Friday in the early evening, I found Sarah in my bedroom holding the home phone. She said "want to call mom-mom by yourself." She meant she wanted to call by herself. I told her what buttons to push and then when the voice mail started I suggested what she could say. She easily and happily left her message, "Hi Mom-Mom. Hi Pop-Pop. I love you. This is Sarah. Bye." Sooooo sweet and cute!

Saturday at lunchtime Sarah spilled soup on her shirt and wanted to change it and then wanted a nap. I wanted her to wait until she was done eating so another shirt wouldn't get dirty. Things quickly went south, with much Sarah-screaming. At first I felt terrible that this was happening during our outreach but I think it was actually perfect. Perfect because I couldn't keep it together anymore and sat at the table with M. (Carl took the girls), crying about how hard everything has been feeling. I was raised with the knowledge of the healing, helpfulness of a good cry, but I haven't had one in a long time. It helped to let it out and be honest about how inept I was feeling. I felt daunted by the upcoming team meeting because I felt so uninspired and uninspiring. M. suggested that I be honest about it all and go from there. That is what I did and it was so great to remember how safe I am with my team and how wonderful they are. They are amazing with Sarah and they are amazing with me. They help me as much as they help Sarah. I still feel a bit guilty accepting the help but that is the part of me that still feels like pond scum. If I allow that when I am feeling like pond scum then maybe I'm not quite seeing myself or the world clearly, then I can let it be and accept the help gratefully.

I hope you are having good weekends and that you are surrounded by gentle, loving amazingness when you need it.

Regarding my last update and the chocolate zucchini bread, the recipe at http://paleomg.com/moist-chocolate-zucchini-bread/.

My variation for Sarah is to substitute 2 tbsp flax meal for the eggs (1 tbsp per egg) and to not squeeze out the liquid from the zucchini. I also use cashew butter instead of sunbutter so my recipe is not nut-free.

June 15

I dedicate this update to chocolate zucchini bread.... It was a mom-saver for our recent trip when people were almost always eating things that Sarah couldn't have. She rocked it, as usual, but I think it helped that I had some of her favorite foods available. I make a chocolate zucchini bread that is grain-free, refined-sugar-free, vegan, and super delicious. 

The trip included seeing both sets of my parents, my brother, Carl's cousin and her family, my sixth grade teacher and his family, and our college reunion. I used to babysit for my sixth grade teacher when I was in college and his sons were Amy's age and newborn. Now they are all grown up! How does that happen? It was wonderful and challenging seeing so many people and being in so many new places. At the reunion, when I spoke with someone for 10 minutes that seemed like a long conversation and there were people that I didn't get to talk with at all. We were in the same dorm we are always in for reunions and it is far from my favorite, but we were across the hall from some good friends who also have kids so that was awesome. There was an art installation on campus of long plastic strips (we called them curtains) hanging from a bar and the girls looooved playing there. I was grateful that it was there and that they loved it and I also hated that it was there because of the screaming that ensued any time we left it. We carried the girls all over creation, and I also always had a backpack with water, food, a potty seat, and back-up clothes. The girls got to run all over the beautiful campus and we also said "no" a ton, compared to how often we say it at home, which is still a lot. I felt like we had to shadow the girls much more than usual in all places and it was a relief to get home where I can let them be on their own more easily. 

One night, Sarah stayed up late. When I finally got her back in bed, she put an arm over Amy and then gave Amy a kiss. Soooooo sweet!! Overall lately, whether at the reunion or with the cousins or at our block party or at a neighborhood birthday party, Sarah has seemed more present when she is around other kids. She still isms some but she also goes over to join kids in a frisbee game (or attempt to join) or to sit with a group of kids. She doesn't bend her neck so she can look at kids' feet upside down like she used to. We still have some ground to cover, but it is exciting to see her in a less overwhelmed/over-excited state.

Sarah has started answering questions with "um..." It is the cutest! It is also functional because it gives her more time to answer while signaling that she heard the question and is working on an answer.

With Carl's cousin and her kids, one afternoon we were walking and some of them were singing the "who stole the cookie?" song. When someone said "Sarah stole the cookie from the cookie jar" she said, "Yes!" with a grin. Not the way the song goes, but so perfect.

At a rest stop, Carl was helping Sarah sound out "wet" on a sign and Sarah wasn't quite getting it but then she said, "floor." That was the next word but we hadn't said it at all or even pointed to the word. We don't know if somehow she miraculously read it or if she just remembered it from some past reference or deduced it from the context. I do know she has a phenomenal memory.

Sarah has started rehearsing for an open-mic at a Spoken Word event, or so it seems. She often belts out the alphabet in a loud, almost angry-sounding, speech. Hilarious.

Our trampoline has a bar so that you can hold on while you jump. Or, if you are a small child, you can use the bar to do a flip. Amy figured it out a couple of days ago and then Sarah got it last night. It is harder for Sarah because her legs are longer, but she got it. Watching the girls flip is amazing.

During a recent SR time with Sonia, Sarah played catch with small stuffed animals, including 2 Hello Kitty animals. She then initiated the game with Carl and with me, teaching us how to do it. One person holds both kitties and then throws them one after the other to the other person. Then the recipient takes a turn.

Sarah wrote a Father's Day card that Carl could read! Those not familiar with her writing might not understand it, but Carl could. Amazing that Sarah is really learning to write. She also wished Carl a Happy Father's Day.

Speaking of fathers, I am so grateful for the ever-present support and love I have received from my dad and stepdad. I have never doubted their love for me or their belief that I can do whatever I set out to do. That is not to be sneezed at. And I am so grateful to be sharing my parenting journey with Carl. I marvel at his beautifully creative, loving, attentive parenting on a daily basis. He inspires me to continue striving for my own relaxed creativity. On our recent trip I somehow forgot to pack any of my Relaxed Creativity and I felt like I was running on grumpy-stressed-anxious-empty for a lot of the time. Luckily, Carl had remembered his RC so we managed pretty well.

Speaking of running on grumpy-empty... it is amazing to me how differently I can feel at different times. There have been many recent moments where I felt completely incapable of getting from point A to point B, point A perhaps being the kids being in pajamas and point B being the kids dressed and ready to go. When the kids are willing then this is no problem, but when they are resistant and when I have no reserves then this felt impossible and I felt tearfully desperate. I wanted to hand in my resignation and just walk away from the whole thing. And then time passes and my thinking shifts... I read some of Raun's book again and it was reminding me that it isn't the situation causing my unhappiness but rather my thoughts about the situation. This is not new information, but it was a timely reminder. Over a breakfast date with Carl this morning I felt like I was able to shift into remembering how awesome the girls are and how amazing my life is. It is like moving through the curtain art at our college with how quickly things can shift. The hard moments were giving me more compassion for others who are mired in hurt grump; when I am mired it is really hard to function and see that things could be different. When I am free then I don't see where the mud was to begin with. Thank goodness for other people to help me navigate through the muck and enjoy the freedom. 

I hope you have all had an easy muck-free couple of weeks.

June 1

Perhaps I should stop writing about my breakthroughs in thinking because it seems that every time I write about an insight then I lose my new perspective shortly thereafter. Is this because once I commit it to writing I stop thinking about it so actively? Or would it happen anyway just because things and thoughts are always changing? After my last update when I said I wanted to have a vacation mentality, I realized that wasn't the whole picture. I had read a quotation from Anne Lammott  about how it would be heartbreaking if you get to the end of your life and realize you didn't let yourself live fully because of self judgements. Her example was about not going swimming because you were worried about your tummy being too big. I agree that that would be heartbreaking. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I spent the whole time judging my tummy or whole self. During Zumba class I have an excellent opportunity to judge myself and I am striving to have the judgements be kind rather than cruel. I am succeeding somewhat and when I am kind then I feel a joy instantly spring forth within me. So, clearly I have everything figured out forever and will always be happy and never harsh! 

Last weekend was very challenging. Whenever Carl has to work on the weekend I seem to struggle, much more than I do when he is at rowing. I think this is because I am fighting the situation, basically tantruming grumpily through the whole process because it feels unfair and the duration is undetermined. I sometimes do this in response to the girls' behaviors too, resisting that they are happening and slumping through my belly button into the floor (if one were to draw my energy). 

Half of this week felt challenging (yes, corresponding to the time of the month, but no less valid). On Friday I felt deeply slumped in feeling inadequate as a mom (because if I was better then I wouldn't have whiney screamy kids), as a team leader (because I don't always have insightful helpful things to say during feedback sessions; though Sonia pointed out that maybe this is because my volunteers are all awesome, which is true), as a wife (because I slump and grump so often), and as a Jenny (because I have a tummy and some frizzy gray hair and get grumpy and yell-ey sometimes), and as an SR facilitator (because I felt so uninspired to go in the room, even though we actually had some fun, new creative play once I did go in the room). 

In contrast, yesterday felt like a good, easy, productive day overall. The girls did water color painting for the first time, we expanded and relocated their sandbox (sand is heavy!), and created a water table/turtle out of their old sandbox. We also did various other yard projects and cleaning, and I got some cooking done. The girls played outside for almost the whole day. I had mostly good energy and felt good overall. Is this because of being productive? having Carl around for over half of the day? were the girls less screamy? For as much as I get tired of cleaning the kitchen, do I actually feel better when it is clean? I know I do, but when I am feeling yucky it is not always the thing I am itching deal with, though perhaps that could be my first line of defense against feeling yucky. 

But enough about me, what about Sarah? I forgot to mention that at a playdate two weeks ago Sarah said, "hi" to her friend H. and H. said "hi" back. It was so easy and normal and yet this sort of interaction between Sarah and other kids does not really happen yet. Sometimes at school probably, but I am not there to see it. With her volunteers there is always an exchange of greetings, but this was with a peer of about the same age. 

Sarah has started saying, "hey" as a greeting with some of her volunteers (N. and G.), and this is awesome and adorable. Sarah even paused in her shorts fixation with G. to look up and say "hey" before attending to his shorts.

When M. was with Sarah, M. wrote "Sarah" and "Amy" on a white board. Sarah knows those words by sight. Then M. wrote her own name and Sarah started sounding it out and then got it all by herself! I feel like Sarah is turning a corner in terms of reading, as if she is starting to really understand that she has the ability to sound things out and that that is the key to reading and knowing what a word is without being told. 

Sonia often has games with Sarah where Sarah is a monkey hanging on to Sonia's neck. Recently, Sonia expanded this to "monkey on a log" where Sarah sits on Sonia's legs. Sometimes the log is still and sometimes it is in the water and starts to encounter turbulence, throwing the monkey into the water. Sarah loves it!

Sarah has continued to have some skin issues. I had thought these were in response to the various supplements we had started, but now it has been a few weeks since we stopped the supplements and I haven't introduced new foods. I took her to the pediatrician and we are now figuring that some of her hives are due to playing outside and having a reaction to something and that maybe her finger blisters were a reaction to putting non-finger paint on her hands. For most art projects I give the girls washable paint, but it isn't finger paint. No more of that, at least for a while. I still feel uncertain about everything, possibly more than ever. Usually Sarah's skin is one of the ways in which I determine food sensitivity. How many times in the past did I think something was due to food and it was actually a reaction to something outside? That is why I try foods multiple times. I feel eager to start adding new foods and the supplements again, but also concerned that I won't know if she is having a reaction to a supplement or not. On the plus side, today her skin does finally seem mostly clear.

I have started soaking nuts before using them. This is easy but does require thinking ahead. Apparently it makes nuts much easier to digest. Once I get into more of a routine with this then I will try making my own nut butter from the soaked nuts. Recently I have been making almond milk and then I dehydrate the remaining almond meal to use in granola. The almond milk is so easy to make! Sarah loves it. Apparently it is an excellent source of calcium, which is good given that Sarah doesn't eat many leafy greens or broccoli and has no dairy.

Our little howler monkey has been climbing the walls. Literally. She is so strong!!

Much as I can bristle in response to her screams, I do appreciate how Sarah keeps me on my toes, ever striving for more space within myself to allow us to be our full selves, screams, grumps, slumps, whines, and all. Sometimes magazines edit pictures of beautiful people to get rid of the extra curves and bumps, even though they are really part of the picture. Maybe all the screams, grumps, and slumps are part of the picture of a beautiful life and don't need to be edited out or removed. Maybe. (but dang it, now I've written about it I will lose all of this perspective in the next minute! :)