December 29

Merry belated Christmas if that is what you celebrate. We had a lovely Christmas morning. The girls were either totally immersed in a new toy or couldn't open the new packages fast enough. It is exciting to note Sarah's progress via the toys that I now think are a good fit. To name just a few...we have jigsaw puzzles that are just 3 pieces and spell words. We have more dry-erase books for learning to write and draw. We have cuisenaire rods, which I loved when I was a child. Once we get past the ismy interest with plastic lids and small pieces of wood, they might be great for learning math or building or making designs or learning colors in Spanish, as I did in first grade. We have Goldiblox for learning engineering concepts!

The girls' uncle A. came to visit, much to the girls' delight. Sarah tends to glue herself to A. when he is here. She did a wonderful job asking him if she could touch his plaid shirt and asking him to go outside or to the Sarah-Rise room with her. Sarah's ability to ask questions is blossoming. Her eye contact isn't very solid during these times because we are asking so much more of her verbally. I think once it becomes easier to ask a full question then it will be easier to also have the full eye contact. Often she can give eye contact for some of the asking, especially if I encourage her to do so. What amazes me is that we are now at this point of helping her say full sentences and ask questions.

The day after Christmas is my dad's birthday so we all called to sing. Carl and I sang together, then Amy sang one line at normal speed and promptly hid in my shoulder, and then Sarah sang the whole song by herself including saying "happy birthday dear Granddad." This may have been the first time she got the recipient correct instead of wishing herself a happy birthday. Sarah's version had many pauses, but luckily Granddad knew to keep waiting without saying anything.

The girls and I have started having picnics in the Sarah-Rise room. We spread out the Twister mat and use tissues or napkins to hold our dried peas. While they crunch I sing songs or say poems about peas. Sometimes the original version deals with peas directly and sometimes I just use known songs and substitute words for what we are doing. For example, the song "goober peas" can be easily adapted to "dried-up peas." Sarah has learned the first line of "I eat my peas with honey" a traditional poem to recite in the Briggs household whenever peas are being consumed. Here is the whole thing as I know it...

I eat my peas with honey

I've done it all my life

It makes the peas taste funny

but it keeps them on my knife

When Sarah and I played in the SR room yesterday she was more open and willing to participate in the I Can Do That Cat-in-the-Hat game than ever. When I would instruct her to walk across the room with something on her head she did so, holding rather than balancing whatever object. She also did 4 giant steps, which turned into 10. The fact that she is responding promptly and easily is huge. We have had this game for a while and this time felt the easiest because she has moved beyond isming with the lid or the plastic bags. She still does that a tiny bit but with a flexible openness that wasn't there before.  We also used the ball from the game to have several rounds of catch in very close proximity, while I prompted distance with an Elephant and Piggie line, "You threw this ball from way over there?!" (or adapted, "Can you throw this ball from way over there?"')

Sarah has learned to write the letter "A" perfectly! We have been working on writing for a while and she has a pretty solid "H" and "t" already. Her "A" kept being upside down. One evening when the girls were playing in the basement and Sarah was at the chalk board I went over and we did hand-over-hand with the "A"  many times. And then she would do it independently upside down again. I started coaching her just as her chalk touched the board to go up. After doing that many many times it seemed like we had rewired her habit. Every once in a while she still starts it upside down but before she completes it with the horizontal line I tell her that it looks like a "u" and then she writes a right-side-up "A." So amazing!! I can't believe we are here now. I think that soon her writing ability may snowball just like her verbal ability did when we first started this program. I think it helps to focus really intently on a small detail until she gets it. We tried working on "S" yesterday and that feels much harder to coach her through, but it is beautiful how ready she is to practice and learn.

We had pizza! I had made a pizza before with almond flour crust and tomato sauce that met my requirements (from a jar! I didn't make it myself. Hallelujah!). The first time just had mushrooms on top but no cheese. Now we seem to have a cheese that Sarah can eat without getting itchy: Organic Valley organic, raw, mild cheddar. So now I can make pizza that even looks like pizza! Last time I made it I put bell pepper chunks on top. Sarah picked off the peppers to avoid them. Amy picked off the peppers to eat them first. So it goes.

I have had many short moments where I am not at my finest or kindest lately, usually involving yelling at the kids. After one time of yelling then I realized that maybe I needed to "get my sad out" as I tell the girls when they are upset. I sat on the sofa crying and Sarah came over with a tissue, climbed onto my lap, and wiped my tears away and squeezed my nose. She sat with me for many minutes, ministering with a tissue and sometimes with a sad face of her own. Not that she was actually sad, but she was making her face have that expression of concern. I wasn't thrilled about my yelling or upset, but I also thought it was a wonderful opportunity for Sarah to be so gentle and caring, completely of her own accord. It is also an opportunity for the kids to know that I can be upset but that doesn't change how much I love them. I'm trying to remind myself that this is all ok. It is frustrating to feel like I have a shorter fuse than sometimes, especially when just a week ago I felt on top of the world and deeply happy and could easily listen to and respond to the girls' screaming in a way that felt new. Sometimes I think once I have a breakthrough of understanding or thought then I have a bit of a backlash as my old habits try to hold on with tooth and nail. Carl's mom noticed that when Carl was little he would have extra upsets just before a breakthrough. Maybe the girls are having extra upsets because they are on the cusp of breakthroughs. Maybe they aren't having extra upsets and it is just me having extra upsets. Maybe I am on the verge of another breakthrough! Maybe the girls are having extra upsets because I am having extra upsets! I do not know. What I do know is that Carl is an amazing dad and husband, responding to all of us with love, patience, and creativity. I love watching him be a parent and I know I am deeply blessed to be on this journey with such an amazing man who can take my upsets in stride without getting caught up in them and without going away from me in any way. At our wedding we had my mom read a quotation which I feel is still perfectly fitting...

"Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." - Dinah Maria Mulock Craik, A Life for a Life

What I wish for all of us is that we become that friend to ourselves, letting the chaff blow away without condemning ourselves as unworthy of love or kindness. I think many of us who are parents already let a lot of chaff from the children blow by, knowing that it is part of growing up and developing. Yes, isn't it always?

I send you all much love and a breath of kindness.

December 22

Recently the girls had what I consider their first inside joke. I have no idea how it started, but now it has become a family joke and a useful alternative to cursing...."Oh coffee!" The girls were saying this back and forth and giggling for minutes on end. Yesterday when I got mad about something inanimate, Sarah came up next to me and said "oh coffee!" Indeed. 

During one of my SR sessions we did some singing together and I was struck by how much Sarah has progressed, specifically with singing the alphabet. I used to prompt her and then pause, waiting until she started saying each letter before I would chime in slight moment behind her. Now we can actually sing together and it feels real. She also sometimes belts out lines from the "sound that gives me power." A couple of times the girls sang some of "Jingle Bells" together. It is one of the best sounds I've ever heard. There are moments when Sarah is playing by herself and singing to herself, just as Amy does, which feels exciting too.

Some of Sarah's volunteers have been noticing how much her physical play has increased lately. Awesome. Once again I am in awe of this whole Son-Rise Program framework that creates the opportunity for so much creativity to flow into my house. My volunteers come up with such fun ideas!

Sarah and Amy often have moments of playing chase or a sort of tag, running around our downstairs. 

There is such power to focused simplicity. Much of the gift that we are giving to Sarah is time. Time to process our requests, time to respond, time to initiate, time to be herself. Sometimes this can feel like I'm not doing anything. Yes, that is precisely what I am (not) doing. I am getting out of the way. I am inhibiting any urgent prompting. The moments that I (we) do prompt are often directed by our current goals. It means we don't have to try to do everything at once. We work on the current goals for a while and then whether or not there is progress, we reevaluate and change the goals so that we stay fresh. It is so exciting to realize that almost everything we set as a goal eventually happens. Sometimes within days, sometimes within years. But I love having a framework that helps us focus and move forward without it feeling overwhelming. If it feels overwhelming then that usually means I am trying to climb a mountain with one big step instead of finding the path and taking the first small step.

For the past couple of weeks, especially with Carl away for work, I have dropped my expectations for what I get done in a day way below my normal expectations. There have been many days where I basically did none of Becky's program. It has felt weird, sometimes disappointing, and sometimes liberating. I keep reminding myself that taking a break doesn't mean I can't start it up again at any moment. My biggest goal is to keep my own heart feeling peaceful and happy as much of the time as possible. I can sometimes think that is just a side ingredient, but maybe that is the most important ingredient of all. 

December 15

This week I have had more epiphanies. I felt like I realized the solution to life, the universe, and everything. And then I interacted with my children.

So, I haven't figured it all out. But, I think that even having a new enlightened thought is helpful, even if I only think it for a moment the first time.

My first realization came from talking with Sonia regarding the Son-Rise developmental model and how to help Sarah meet our current goals. It seems that the best way to help her respond easily and calmly even when she doesn't get what she wants is for me to respond easily and calmly (meaning, actually be happy) when I don't get what I want. Darn it all! I love this and hate this at the same time. Actually, I just really love it, including the challenge of it. This means really being ok with not meeting all my goals in a day. Or with the girls not doing what I tell them to do. Having this be my goal has already changed some moments and made them easier.

My second big aha came yesterday morning when I was attending a workshop on Thai Massage for the Table. I already have been trained in Thai Massage and I love it but haven't done it for a few years. The workshop this weekend was wonderful and rekindled my love of the work. My aha, however, was the realization that I could really deeply love all of our struggles. I could truly and excitedly embrace that we are still working on tummy issues with Sarah. And that Amy is in a phase that includes lots of whining. Ruminating on this in my idle moments, I felt solid and joyful and was sure that miracles would be occurring at home simply because of my new open thinking. I excitedly drove home. And then I walked in the door. I don't quite have my new love solid. I am still a bit tired of dealing with some of our issues that have been issues for either weeks or months or years. If those issues could clear up right now that would be fine by me. The thing is, even if I am not the epitome of love at all times, I am thrilled that I could even truly consider the possibility of loving the problems. Not fakely loving them, but really loving them. I felt love for them from a distance so the next step is to love them up close.

In the workshop we were asked to reflect upon our true nature, who we are at our deepest, truest core. My answer: I am renewingly determined love. Yes, I stumble and grumble and flail in the muck of my best intentions. And I want to quit and scream and give up. And then I get back up and I renew my love and my vision and my dreams and I dig deep and reach broadly and come up with new ideas and more love. My stubbornness serves me well. I am really good at not giving up on the big picture. Sure I give up in tiny ways and shake my emotional fists, but then I will reach for new insights and find new paths.

It is wonderful having Carl back from Australia!! Sarah greeted him with, "Missed you. I love you so much." 

In Sarah news... tonight at bedtime she spontaneously said, "Hello Jenny Briggs." Yes, those were my socks again flying past your window.

In Amy news....yesterday I told them they could each have one cupcake. Amy responded, "I want two ones." Amy's language is galloping apace. She asks me what I am making or what is in things. Her language has nuances that Sarah's doesn't yet have. What is exciting is that I think Sarah listens differently to Amy and might learn some things more quickly once Amy says them.

The girls have sung duets twice in the past week. Very very short duets. This is so exciting. One was while they were both plunking on the piano and singing "Jingle Bells."

I tried making a new breakfast dish this week and it didn't go as smoothly as planned. When the raw egg spilled out of the avocado I said, "oh poop!" Then Sarah said, "oh poop!" Then Amy said, "Hara haid oh poop!" (Sarah said oh poop). At least my word choice was as tame as it was.

May any of your new thoughts be lovely, even if they only last for a moment.

December 8

I can't believe it has only been a week. The start of this week felt amazing. I went to bed super early and the girls slept well the first 2 or 3 nights. I had an epiphany that the door to the Sarah-Rise room was really the door to the house rather than the specific room. More deeply, it is the door to my heart. That brought me into SR energy in a more full lifestyle way than I sometimes have. I felt extra flexible, creative, loving, and effective. And then... 

Then the nights started getting more eventful and sleep happened less and less. There were at least 3 nights with struggly conversations/yells with Sarah that made no sense to me. In the middle of the night I don't usually deal well with things that don't make sense. Mainly it is that she wants a different shirt or pants and then insists upon what she was already wearing. Or she wants the snail shorts with the holes to the front, no the back, no the front, no the back! (when they were to the back to begin with!!! These snail shorts now look like the clothes of a castaway who has been living on an island for a year). A couple of nights have had me sandwiched between the girls with all of us on my bed. While this is amazingly deliciously snuggly, it doesn't always mean that I sleep soundly. Or that the night up until that point had solid sleep. My super amazing flexible creative loving self hasn't been quite at the initial level. With that has come a bit of disappointment in myself but at the same time I think I am actually doing a good job being gentle with myself given the circumstances. And maybe there doesn't have to be a "given the circumstances" to warrant gentleness. Maybe all of it just is what it is. Regardless, I am very glad that my mom and stepfather are currently here helping for the weekend. Sonia has been her usual amazing self and has put in extra hours, but even SuperSonia can't be here all the time. So now I have Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop playing with the girls, giving me time to cook, write, read, sleep and have more time for me. It really does take a village. Even if I did no official program I think having extra help is in itself beneficial because it keeps more love and less frustration in my house.

This week we went for several wagon rides, one of which was another bear hunt. This time both J Bear and Amy Bear had escaped and were found. Whew!

One night the girls and I had a picnic in the family room. While I was setting up I asked the girls to play some pre-picnic music and do pre-picnic dancing. After that, I spread a table cloth on the floor and we ate snack chicken and dilly carrots off of paper plates. It was lovely.

Mom-Mom started napkin-phone-call play at the table and both girls picked up their napkin phones immediately. They have had several napkin-phone conversations. I have even chimed in on my oven-mitt phone sometimes. 

Recently, Carl and I watched a Bill Cosby comedy special. I was really struck by his confidence and his pauses. He takes his time, enjoys himself and trusts his audience to come with him. This is the energy I want to be in when I am with the girls and especially if I am working on something new with Sarah. If she isn't hooked enough for me to do this then she's not hooked enough. Having the door to Sarah-Rise be the door to the house means that I am being more aware of when Sarah is available and when she is not. My mantra, when I remember it, is to connect first and then request. This is obvious from an SR room point of view, but it is not something I always do outside of the room. It is more respectful and usually more effective. And it is ok that I don't remember to do it all the time.

I hope you all have help if you need it and that your napkin-phones ring when you want them to.

December 1

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We had a lovely visit with Carl and Sonia's parents and grandfather. Amy got to use her newly learned phrase, "How you doin'?" and Sarah said the family word "kapshida" that means "let's go" in Korean.

One of our goals for the past several months has been to encourage Sarah to sing in tandem with us. This usually only works if I prompt her to start and then I follow as immediately as I can, always waiting for her to initiate each new word or letter. Now it seems that perhaps some sibling dynamics are going to help further that goal, but not in the way I expected. Amy loves to sing but feels strongly about doing solos. Lately when Amy starts to sing or recite a part of a book, then Sarah jumps in with some words too. Amy gets mad and says she wants to do it by herself. It seems like Sarah is partly voicing her contributions to get a rise out of Amy! I know this is typical sibling behavior, but somehow it still surprises me a bit.

Every few months Sarah has a party in the middle of the night where she is awake for a couple of hours. Last night was party night. Yawn. Luckily, Amy slept through it. I couldn't because Sarah was so awake that she was attempting all sorts of things she isn't supposed to do in addition to being loud. She was playing with the shades, attempting to relocate the blue footstool from the bathroom, opening and closing the door, reciting books, and pretending to be the teacher from school.

Overall Sarah continues to get more capable in ways that are exciting and annoying, reaching new heights and getting into more things we thought were child-proof. She is also taking over with some aspects of Becky's program, where she gets out the needed materials herself or starts singing the songs by herself. And I am realizing that some puzzles and shape sorters are easy for her now. I am hoping with continued practice with things that are easy she will get better at understanding the tiny manipulations that have to happen with more complex puzzles.

Amy's imagination, puzzle skills, language skills, and overall play are just delicious. I think Sarah will learn some phrases better from Amy than from us because they maybe have more meaning or different emphasis, or they annoy Amy when Sarah says them, such as "No, no, that is mine!" 

One of Amy's favorite activities is to set up a tea party with our cardboard set. She expands the food options by taking pieces from other games. A couple days ago she put Purple Cat (a stuffed animal) on the living room sofa under a small blanket. On Purple Cat's lap was a cardboard plate with 3 pieces of plastic cheese. So sweet and adorable! Then last night Amy went to get a coaster from the coffee table to put under her water bottle on the dining room table. It isn't necessary but it is very observant!

Sarah's sunny "hi" and "hello" have expanded to "hello. hello there." She recently expanded further to "good morning. good morning, there."

Despite my not being thrilled about the timing of the party last night, I did have some awareness that it was totally awesome that she was keeping me up with her verbosity, play, and mischief. 

My love to all of you. Goodbye. Goodbye, there.