November 24

Last weekend Carl took Sarah out to ride her tricycle. At one point she was on a slight sideways slope and lost her balance a tiny bit. When she recovered her balance she said, "Close, Dinosaur, real close" which references one of our favorite books, Dinosaur vs. the Potty. I love her sense of humor and how she can pull references from other things and use them appropriately!

While some things, such as pronouns, are linguistically elusive for Sarah, there are other things that she picks up right away to the point of being able to generalize. She can turn any word into an adjective, such as when I said there were beets in the juice and she responded that it was "beety." Expanding on my use of "momsicle, Sarahsicle, and Amysicle," she then said "dadsicle" in a fitting context.

Sarah did a tiny bit of dishwashing this week, though I can see it is more about isming with the water. Still, it was a great new moment that she initiated.

We got a new dining room table and chairs this weekend and the girls truly helped Carl assemble them.

Last night Carl was wearing a button-down shirt, which is not at all his usual attire. As Sarah sat in his lap I realized that she was busy fastening and unfastening a button. These are small buttons!! And she was spontaneously doing them by herself. We have worked on buttons in the past but always with large buttons.

Sarah can open her dresser drawer by herself. This is a large, wide drawer so it requires going back and forth, opening each side just a tiny bit. She figured this out on her own.

Sarah loves working on writing and easily allows reading practice. She does each of these several times a week during her SR time, especially with Sonia. We are at the very beginning of these skills and it is thrilling that she loves to practice.

Sarah does lots of screaming any time she doesn't get what she wants. We are starting to say that while this is ok, we would prefer to get a thank you for the nice thing we just did rather than getting screamed at because of it ending. Not sure how effective this is so far, but if feels good to ask for what we want. While screaming is understandable and ok, it is not going to fly in kindergarten.

Amy loves preschool, taking to it like a duck to water. 

Because sometimes I don't feel like I am running a full time program, M. gave me homework to write down what we currently do:

6 hours typical preschool with Sonia attending

some aspect of Becky's program daily, sometimes all aspects. If all, that is 90 min. 

1-3 hrs field trip 

15-20 hours in SR room

GAPS related food journey (shopping, cooking, cleaning, thinking to support that)

1 hr play date every other week

occasional additional play dates

watching 30 min dvd or tv a few times a week, taking turns with who gets to pick so I can introduce new material

refreshing toys/books in SR room (10-15 min)

1 hr meeting with Sonia to organize our life/program

increasing amount of free play

(meanwhile, Amy gets experiences at daycare, preschool, 2 hours with an Amy volunteer while SR is happening, helping with chores and errands in addition to all of the above items that affect the whole family).

Because of my worrying that things would be better if I was running a more full-time official Son-Rise program, M. gave me more homework...

Reasons why our current program is more helpful for Sarah than doing 40-60hrs/week of SR plus all of Becky's stuff daily...

That is not where we are right now. Sarah is flourishing. Our overall goal is to have her connected, learning, thinking, playing in the world at large so stepping out of the SR room more often is in the direction of that goal. Time in the SR room is still beneficial as a way to really focus and connect without distraction and with minimal stress. Our goals are also to have her more physically active, which again is easier to accomplish with less time in the room. Less time 1:1 means more time with Amy and 1 or 2 other adults which helps with her social learning and communicating. We can see where her challenges are more clearly because she currently functions so well in the SR room. We are focusing more on academics in and out of the SR room and this is great because she loves it and is connecting to us through the academic play/practice (reading, writing, drawing, table top toys). The more she can come up to age level with her academics the more she will be ready to be around her age peers in a school setting. All the time cooking and cleaning is helping her body be healthy so it can function optimally. She also gets to observe and help with the cooking. If she was in the SR room all day plus the time doing Becky's routines then she wouldn't have time for free play and spontaneous connection with Amy or Sonia/me/Carl. Free play allows her to learn and take care of herself in the way that she chooses. I do very little official SR time myself right now because of implementing Becky's program. This is ok. I have trained an amazing team to do the SR time and I still lead the team. I am the only one currently able to do all of Becky's routine. It is important to have time for me so that I can be refreshed in the big picture. I spend a lot of time with each girl and both girls together. So does Sonia. So does Carl. Even if the time is not 1:1 play, we are still around and showing up, helping them learn and grow. The more I take care of myself and allow free play for me, the more relaxed and creative I can be with the girls, in whatever capacity. While everything we do and try may help, the ultimate person to create change and growth is Sarah. The buck does not stop with me. It stops with her. No change will happen without her consent. She loves learning and growing so we just have to show up with our best selves, which we have been and are doing beautifully.

(note to self, doubting my program or abilities while talking to M. will result in homework! :)

Wrapping it up with a note from Carl:

Sarah woke up on this lazy Sunday morning with a glint in her eye.

S: The world is covered in snow

D: Well, it snowed yesterday. You'll have to check if it is still there

Sarah gets out of bed and goes to a window and lifts the shade. She looks disappointed. 

D: Did the snow melt?

S: Snow not melted! Close the shade! Try different window!

She did exactly that and unfortunately her plan for restoring the world to its proper state, despite being innovative in its approach, ultimately proved unsuccessful. 

November 17

This week involved Sarah opening, reaching, unfastening, and fastening all sorts of things, some of which were new, some of which were old, all of which point to her growing sneakiness and independence. She can now unbuckle the top part of her carseat. She was attempting to open the car door while the car was in motion (child safety locks are engaged). She can unlock both the front and back doors to the house from the inside. She can open the upper cabinet doors in our large built-in cabinet that we use as a place to keep things away from children! She can reach the toothpaste that we thought was out of reach (put there because it is tasty). The crowning moment was after the girls and I had been reading in the family room. Sarah got up and closed the door to the family room and I heard her helping herself to a popsicle (which she can now do, including returning the tray to the freezer). When I got up to check on her I discovered that she had locked me in! Except for the fact that the other end of the room was open. I knew that she could do that lock, but still, I love her intention of sneakiness and the look that she gave me when I came in. It was her calm normal face, but there seemed to be a subtle pride of achievement under the surface. It was a look of knowing that she had been caught and keeping her face extra relaxed to play it cool.

Sarah now gives the most lovely greetings, even if sometimes too often for normal social etiquette. She gives full, connected eye contact and with a sunny wide smile says "hi!" 

We have a new volunteer! She is a friend of one of our current volunteers and will officially begin on Tuesday. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of the songs that we sing and move to is called the "Sound that Gives me Power." Sarah often silently mouths the words. Indeed, singing songs in tandem with recordings or other people is still our frontier. Every time we do this song I encourage Sarah to sing it with me. A few days ago she started belting out the word "power" and a few other sounds and words. Awesome!!!

We had a play date on Thursday and there was lots of screaming over toy sharing. At first I was thinking this was a play date fail. Then I realized this is exactly why the play dates are useful. It is important to help the girls work through not getting what they want and having to wait. They already work on this daily with each other and the play date just takes it to the next level.

I feel like I have been down in a valley and have been slowly crawling back up a mountain in terms of my emotions. Sometimes I get trapped by my beliefs that if I just do things the way someone else did (eg. Bears and Samahria or any of the other parents who have achieved miracles) then I will also have a miraculous outcome. What if, just what if, I need to do things the way I do them to get whatever miracle we might get (or have already gotten)? Each kid is different and so each approach is going to be a bit different. Maybe the most helpful thing for Sarah is exactly the program I am running? What if I am just the right person to help her the most by muddling through in my way? True or not, if I think these things then it helps me breath more freely and probably think more clearly about Sarah and the family as a whole. It also helps to look back on our past and see how far we have come instead of just looking at what remains. At one time, just about every thing that Sarah now does seemed to me laughably or cryably unattainable and impossible.

I have also been thinking how wonderful it is that one of my salient qualities is probably one of the most helpful things for engaging Sarah. I am a goofball! My face is really expressive. I am good at being silly, especially when reading books. I don't mind reading the same book a million times. And I really love small, cute things. 

Much love to you all. May you all feel that an integral part of you is being perfectly expressed in some way.

November 10

The beginning of this week was a rough one for me. Carl was gone all day Sunday and while I did have some help and some breaks, it was still a long day. In general I wasn't handling it well when the girls would fight over toys nor was I very relaxed about all of the times when Amy wanted things done in a very particular way (not always made clear). On Monday, after Sonia left, all of this culminated during a trip to the back yard. This is normally an easy, relaxing way to spend time. Not this time. Amy wanted a doll stroller and then Sarah asked for one too. Amy had them both at the door and then decided she wanted the pumpkin baskets. I helped her carry the baskets down the back steps. Then I brought the stroller with the baby doll down the steps too. Wrong move! Amy was insistent that she be the one to bring it out of the house. So I took it back and let her bring it out. Then she got interested in the empty stroller and Sarah took the one with the doll. Oh no! That was not what Amy wanted. More crying and screaming. Sarah switched to the empty one and I helped Amy with the stroller doll combo to go down the stairs. (Just what I had done to begin with? Indeed!). Amy continued to be upset about something and climbed the stairs without the railing, almost falling when she reached the top but denying this fact vehemently when I pointed it out. I was not at my most relaxed or expansive for all of this. On the plus side, because of these interactions, I happened to be by the stairs when Sarah started to bring her stroller down, something she normally does easily and well. This time something went awry and she started falling with the stroller. Luckily I was there, so I caught her, but she still got a cut lip (probably from a tooth) and was bleeding notably. I yelled loudly enough for all the neighborhood to hear that we were done outside and then I tried to pick Amy up by her coat while carrying Sarah, resulting in dropping Amy back to the ground, which was only an inch below. We managed to get in, with me feeling like a wretched parent and feeling like all my neighbors would think I was terrible. The blood flow subsided. We proceeded to watch dvds for the next 2 1/2 hours until Carl returned because I just didn't trust myself to not yell more if we weren't all calmly contained.

It was at this time that I called my mom and had a good cry and then sent out my email SOS. To all of those who responded, thank you so very much.  (And if you didn't respond that is ok too - and it's not too late! It is always helpful to get positive feedback). I know in theory that I am responsible for my own happiness, but it certainly helps to have tangible love pouring in. On my good days I know I am doing a kick-ass job. On my bad days then nothing I am doing will ever be enough. I caught myself with a belief I didn't realize I was carrying: that if I was really doing enough then Sarah would already be normal/well/able to be in a typical school without any assistance/etc. Seeing that belief and declaring it is crap helps, but I think I am still believing it somewhat. because of the other insidious belief that if I am really struggling then that means I am an even better mom and person. Or that feeling like I am not doing enough will help me do more. ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I have times each week and each day that I am not with the kids and even times that are really just purely for fun. I think perhaps I could increase the amount. Somehow I trap myself into thinking that whatever small amount I give myself ought to be enough and that something is wrong with me that I am still struggling or want more. My aunt made a comment about my self-care limitations, saying "bull$*(!. you need some of that with every minute. with every breath." Amen. With a lot of what I do with the girls and with Sarah, I am truly having a lovely time and it is exactly what I want to be doing. It is just that then sometimes I want a break and don't give myself one either because of necessity or stubborn denial of my limitations. 

When I think about my long term goal for Sarah and how much I want for her to be able to do whatever she wants and live a happy, independent, connected, love-filled life, then I think I must do everything in my power to help her get there. That means I must do Son-Rise and Becky's full program daily. And be happy and relaxed and take care of myself so I can be there for her. And spend quality time with Amy. And always have a plethora of nutritious food options available. I am now coming to the conclusion that there is perhaps actually too much to do, even with all the help I have, and that for me it might not be possible to do it the way I think it ought to be done. I am not a null factor. I have to have time for me even if that means not getting in some of the Sarah stuff. I feel disappointed that I can't do it as powerfully and fully as I think would be most effective. And at the same time there is a bit of relief in admitting defeat and just aiming to do most things most days, allowing that some things just won't happen. This week I have started going to bed earlier, giving myself time to read and wind down. This means the house is messier and I am more behind on other things, but I seem to wake up feeling more refreshed with more space for the girls. It is my intention to stick with the earlier bedtime.

In Sarah news, Sarah continues to amaze me with the table top toys. I am hoping that all of the practice with shape matching and manipulation will help forge new neural pathways to make other similar challenges, such as jigsaw puzzles, easier. She is also doing almost all of the movements to the musical component. She is totally into practicing letter tracing with hand-over-hand assistance. 

For the past several weeks Sarah asked Amy almost every night if Amy would let her wear the bug pajamas. The answer has always been "no" until last night! And then Amy happily said yes! All of her own accord!! I am pleased with how we handled this whole situation, encouraging Sarah to ask and allowing Amy to have control over the pjs. It was good practice for asking for things and the perseverance paid off. With Carl's help Sarah then said "thank you, Amy."

We are still moving very slowly with adding foods to Sarah's diet. The newest was cocoa powder. I made brownies yesterday and she was extremely excited. This was her first chocolate in roughly a year. She only got one serving and she handled that restriction beautifully.

Last night we had a small team meeting. It was wonderful. It felt profound, fun, and productive. We talked about how Sarah has changed, how we have changed, our long range goals, and the small steps to take now in the direction of those goals. Then we made story board pieces for helping Sarah learn to have introductory conversations. Each drawing is on a separate card so that we can make more cards and play with the order. Carl is our nominated artist and I am delighted with the drawings (stick figures with personality).

My love and appreciation to all of you. Knowing that you are witnessing our journey really truly makes a difference.

November 3

Halloween was a success! In a mostly traditional way. Both girls were excited to wear their costumes all day (and Amy wore hers on Friday too). Thursday morning before preschool I felt very much like a mom as I sat sewing a ramshackle seam in Sarah's costume so it wouldn't fall apart. The snaps were so old that they didn't really stay snapped. I made treats that the girls were allowed to have so when they got home from preschool/daycare I took their bags of candy and swapped them for approved cookies and cupcakes. After trick-or-treating at night I gave them the same trade and both went along with it easily. When we were waiting for Carl to get home to go trick-or-treating, Sarah kept saying, "going treating." True. Probably more true than saying "trick or treating." She also practiced saying "I am a stripe" and "Happy Halloween," though she didn't say much when we were going to the houses. She did tell our friend at the end of our journey that she was a stripe (in response to our prompt).

Earlier in the week Carl was gone for a business trip. The first night he was gone, Sarah came into the bedroom at 4am looking for him. She was very upset that he wasn't there and cried hard for many minutes. She even counted down from 10 to 1 flawlessly in the hopes that that would bring him back. I didn't know she could count down like that and it was touching how much she missed him. She ended up falling asleep with her head on his pillow.

We had two field trips this week. The first was to visit Norman the pig at the animal shelter. Amy was very excited in theory but was scared when we were there. Sarah, usually not one to be overly interested in animals, was very interested and was petting Norman and saying "pig!" very excitedly. (If anyone in Pittsburgh wants to foster a pig, let me know. For real. He needs a home.). Our second trip was to the Science Center. Both girls enjoyed the submarine and the big dinosaur sculpture. Sarah also loved the space station replicas inside and she did wonderful exploring with Sonia while Amy and I had a snack.

As the week began and Becky Blake left our house I felt totally overwhelmed about integrating the new parts of the program. Even though I know that is how I tend experience adding new things (overwhelm), knowing that doesn't seem to lessen the feelings. Once I started implementing the new stuff then I felt better because I realized I really could do it. My favorite new thing is doing table top toys. It is like a mini school session where I set out a few things for Sarah do to in a certain order and she does them. It works on building her academic skills and her attention span for doing them. She seems to love it as much as I do. I love how I just do tiny adjustments as she masters certain skills so I'm not upping the ante too far but I am keeping a slight challenge for her. 

Sarah loves the new songs that Becky gave us, in contrast to the old songs which Sarah doesn't want to do anymore. I'm thinking of ways to get the same movements but in different ways or with different songs. It's not that she won't do the old songs, but I have to do a lot more prompting whereas both girls request the new songs and participate easily.

Sarah has been saying "hi" very clearly and with eye contact to more and more people. She said this to strangers twice yesterday while we were out walking. This morning we had a play date and she said it to the visiting girl. When I prompted that she could then say "I'm Sarah" she did so!

I have reposted my volunteer request listing on ASD climbers. This is a site that helps match Son-Rise families with people who want to do Son-Rise volunteering. Two of my current wonderful volunteers came through my first ad. For the past couple months I was waiting to see how our schedule would evolve to decide if I wanted more volunteers and finally the answer is yes. Not many, but one or two more would be great.  If anyone is interested in finding out if there are listings in their area, one way to do so is to go to my listing and then scroll to the bottom of the page. There is a list of places all over the country where families are looking for volunteers.

http://www.volunteermatch.org/search/opp1513780.jsp

Recently, someone commented that Amy seemed sort of like a middle child. I don't know what that really means, but it struck me that this is sort of weirdly true. She is the youngest but with some things she is already more like an older sister and I think that may continue. So she will be both younger and older sister to Sarah and Sarah will be both older and younger sister to Amy.

Amidst my overwhelm earlier in the week, worrying and beating up on myself very skillfully, I called my mom. She wisely advised that I had already had enough servings of figuring things out for the day and that I had to stop. I cracked up and my energy shifted. I allowed myself to let the girls watch something, which we rarely do, and I cooked something. I think I will use this idea often of limiting my servings of worry/self-attack, etc. I know the ideal would be no servings, but let's not get too radical all at once. :) 

Last night, Carl and I went to Josh Groban concert. My goodness can that man sing! He ended with my favorite, "You raise me up." I am so grateful for all of the amazing support I have in so many ways!!!!! I could name so many people and go on and on, but for now I want to give an extra nod of appreciation to my mom and Carl who consistently raise me up to be the best that I can be. My mom has done this since day 1 (or before that) and Carl for as long as we have been together. They are also the ones to see all of me, the wonderful and the confused, and to still love me and help me climb mountains. (The more Sonia is around the more aspects of me she gets to see!)