August 26

We were away for the weekend visiting family at a beautiful house on a beautiful lake in VA. It was actually the easiest driving trip we have had with the girls in a while and it was lovely to only need to figure out Sarah's food while someone else did the cooking and cleaning for the rest of the group. And I am also glad to be done with GAPS travel for a while again. 

Sarah loved the beef jerky (aka meat cookies) that Sonia made. I gave Sarah many more strawberries than usual to assuage my guilt of having her sit at a table filled with lots of food she couldn't have. She loved it. Amy practically ate her weight in pea crackers. Amy also stole the english muffins this morning! I was in the shower and Carl was with Sarah and thought Amy was staying nearby. My uncle was upstairs and saw Amy heading down the hall with a bag of english muffins in her hand. He assumed she was following a parent. Not so for our little independent food thief!

Granddad was very impressed with how much Sarah's language has expanded and improved since he last saw her in March. Yay! 

Overall I have been feeling more relaxed and happier with less tightly scheduled days and not tracking the SR hours to the minute. We are still averaging 4-6 hours of SR per day during the week. There is a weird dynamic in my thinking that I don't fully understand but I will try to verbalize. When we were getting 8 hours per day and tracking the hours, then that was coupled sometimes with feeling an urgency to help Sarah; that we must get sufficient time or else it won't work and it needs to work. Letting go of the tracking and having more free time in the day pairs itself with less urgency. Not that I regret our 8 hour power days. They were wonderful and awesome. We may even go back to them at some point. But now that I want to make sure we get Becky's program in and play outside daily, it is much easier to do that when we have more free time. 

I made another Alexander (of the terrible, horrible, no good very bad day) game. Actually two games but one of them didn't really get off the ground farther than a minute. It was a "tape the Alexander on the Alexander" game and she did follow my lead to spin but then was most interested in removing the pieces of tape from the paper. The other game involved two red paper elevator doors and a picture of Alexander. We took turns being the elevator and Alexander and we also got our feet or hands stuck in the doors. My next thought is to encourage her to hop like he must have done after the elevator door closed on his foot.

My attitude towards parenting and running Sarah-Rise and everything reminds me of sickness vs. wellness. When I am well it is hard to comprehend really being ill and vice versa. When things are going easily and I am feeling empowered and inspired and loving then it is hard to belief how fully I can lose that feeling. And when I lose it, it can feel unattainable. Luckily, overall my times of frustration or depression are short lived, but they certainly exist. 

With snail shorts upset or door-play tantrums I usually feel mediocre in my responses, though sometimes they tap into a feeling of failure and that we are never going to progress past this point and that she is stupid (which thought I hate and then feel worse about). When meals go uneaten and she doesn't participate in Becky's movement program then I feel like a grumpy failure and I want to throw in the towel on this whole business. I can feel like sending both girls to full-time school and just being done with all of this, giving up because it is too hard and I am too tired. Owning those feelings fully helps them shift more quickly and it is also easier when Sarah does participate in some movements and eat more food and when the girls snuggle next to me while I read. Then all is right with the world and I am doing just what I should be doing. Obviously I have some more exploring and dialoguing to do!

I have been realizing that I work with Sarah differently than I did at the beginning because she has progressed so much. I want to bring some elements of my early days back, mainly my big snuggly celebrations of the tiniest effort. In the beginning it felt really easy and clear about how to help Sarah with language and how to celebrate every attempt. It sometimes feels less clear now about some of our goals and how to go for them creatively and remember to celebrate. This weekend when I was reading a book and modeled nodding my head she did her wobbly attempt and I whooped and snuzzled her like the old days. She loved it. I did too.

Tomorrow is the first day of preschool!

August 18

This week I do not know exactly how many hours we got, nor will I know precisely from this point forward. I have decided to stop my meticulous tracking. Egad!! At first this seemed like a relief and then I started to freak out. Then I realized that my freaking out was due to thinking that ceasing to track somehow also meant ceasing to follow a schedule. Once I realized that I could still adhere to a schedule and do so as determinedly as ever, then I felt better. With some things it is more effective to say "this is what we are doing now" rather than giving a choice.

Carl's helpful perspective: I am running a full time Sarah-Rise program. Part of this includes several hours of one-on-one Son-Rise play in our dedicated room. Part of this includes GAPS, Becky's Program, and doing Son-Rise as a lifestyle as much as possible. Sometimes I was hurrying Sarah downstairs so we could go be relaxed together in the SR room. I am hoping that not tracking will allow me to be more relaxed about the process so that at least I don't hurry up and disconnect in my effort to relax and connect.

Sarah had her annual hearing test on Monday. Her hearing continues to be in great shape and she gets better every year about allowing things to be put into her ears. For the part in a sound-proof room the audiologist put out some toys and then asked Sarah to show her specific things. Sarah immediately started doing imaginative play, incorporating what the person asked for and then making solid eye contact (I was behind her). So awesome!!

We have bid farewell to two volunteers as they return to college. I knew this time was coming but I still feel a bit sad. At least I will see them both again in the future. For the fall our schedule is changing a lot. We will be losing 1 or 2 more volunteers and Sarah will attend preschool 2 mornings a week, with either Sonia or myself in attendance (at least at the beginning). I'm not sure Sarah needs an attendant but for those few moments when she does it is nice if it is one of us. And observing her in school is very helpful so we know what to focus on in the SR room. We will also be having a field trip morning when Sonia and I will take the girls out to a different place each week (eg. zoo, aviary, museums). With two adults and two children I think we can do an outing and still be very attentive and flexible and hopefully not too stressed!

Highlights:
During an afternoon session of Becky's music, Sarah picked up a baby doll and made it dance.

Seemingly out of the blue, Sarah said she wanted to mail a letter to G. so we made a card together. She wrote "H U" very clearly. Then when I prompted for her signature she scribbled at the bottom. which is very different from when I ask her to write her name and she does her version of printing it. Both are illegible but so earnest I can barely stand the adorableness.

I made a game and it was a huge success. I was thinking that one of our long term goals is for Sarah to play games the way they are meant to be played. I was also thinking about how much she loves Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. With some helpful suggestions from M. about things to include in the game, I made it. (picture below) It is a simple board game with game pieces made from a cut up egg carton and pictures of the characters glued on top. You roll a die and then move through some of the events from Alexander's day, either answering questions about the event or acting it out. The first person to reach Australia wins.The first time I brought the game out, Sarah and I played for 45 minutes! Almost fully interactively. She still needs a lot of coaching about when to roll and to keep the game pieces on the board, but in terms of creating a game that caters to her interest this is a clear win. Her favorite part is when the elevator door closes on Alexander's foot. As soon as she starts trying to recite that part she laughs so much she can barely get the words out. I discovered last night that an Alexander game already exists, but it looks too chaotic and complicated for where we are at the moment. It was so exciting to have a vision and make it real.

This week has felt like an emotional roller coaster. Some times I have felt like the best mom ever (creating the Alexander game). Other times I have felt like a total fraud, doubting myself and berating myself for getting mad repeatedly. Stopping tracking the hours combined with continued digestive issues for Sarah kicked up some emotional dust bunnies so I could see them more clearly. Sometimes I feel like I must be able to prove that what we are doing is THE best most effective thing and that it is going to work and that if the outcome is unknown or we have anything other than forward progress then how can I rationalize spending so much time and effort and so much of Sonia's time and effort. And since I have a full-time helper then how can I still have trouble getting everything done or feel stressed at all? etc. It is strange to me that this can coexist with my noticing daily amazing progress. Noticing the daily amazingness is when I have eyes of love, trust, and gratitude. Worrying that I am not doing enough, can never do enough, and am wasting everyone's time is when I have eyes of fear. I have a book (Emmanuel's Book by Judith Stanton) that says something to the effect of "there are no guarantees. from the viewpoint of love, none are necessary. from the viewpoint of fear, none are enough." That's not an exact quotation, but it is the gist of it and it captures my different feelings and perspectives. Perhaps the biggest question for me to ponder is why do I need to be the best?

Anywho, I hope you are all having lovely weekends. May your visions become successful realities.

August 11

This week we got 18 1/2 hours. This was a low week due to my being sick for 4 days (the last two of which I was just a lump and Sonia and Carl did everything). Sarah had another tummy bug and while it only affected one night I still cancelled her volunteers for the following day. It never ceases to amaze me how when I feel sick it is hard to remember feeling well, and when I feel well it is hard to believe I was ever really so sick that I didn't want to move. The good thing is that we are all well now. An extra thank you to Sonia and Carl for their amazingness while I was down for the count. And thank goodness for electronics. While we normally don't do any tv, movies, or ipads, they are so helpful when I am sick. It is a way to keep us all snuggly and together with very low demands upon my person.

Last Sunday after I sent out my update we had an incredible moment. Mom-Mom, Carl, the girls, and I went for a walk to the park. Carl brought a frisbee. At one point Carl asked me if I wanted to play frisbee. Amy wanted to play too. Then Mom-Mom came over. And then Sarah came over!!!!!!! And attempted to throw and catch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is so huge. To join a game already in progress is a step in the developmental model that has usually seemed laughably far away. To participate in a new physical activity is then doubly huge. (picture below)

One of the things Becky Blake recommended was having Sarah hang from monkey bars or rings and eventually work towards pulling herself up a bit. When I started offering a chance to hang she firmly denied it. This past week after Amy did the zipline and rings with my help, Sarah asked to do it. She held the rings and didn't want me to let go. What a beautiful first step to even consider holding the rings. This is a good reminder for me that just because Sarah might say no to something 10, 20, or 100 times, it doesn't mean she won't someday say yes. 

Sarah has started allowing a partial blanket roll. This is another part of Becky's program and is one that Sarah firmly opposed at the beginning. Now I have the blanket on the floor and I wrap part of it around her just to roll her a bit and then I unwrap but keep her in the new position. 

For the past 3 days I have done no official Sarah-Rise and barely any of Becky's program. It feels good to be getting back into the swing of things. And it is good to remember that the world didn't fall apart when I didn't meet my usual daily goals. 

There was something circulating on Facebook recently about how to talk to your daughter about her body or something like that. The thing that impressed me most was about not ever letting my girls see/hear me judging my own body harshly. Whoa. So, in the name of what I want for my girls I am endeavoring to be kinder to myself - to judge my body less and to be more at peace with my decisions and how things go in a given day. Right now this feels awkward, sort of like Sarah trying to throw a frisbee. So I will celebrate that I am even considering such a radical notion of being totally happy with my body and my decisions and myself. Just because it might not happen the first 10, 20, or 100 days, it doesn't mean I won't get there someday. 

Here's to attempt #101.

August 4

This week we got 35 hours and 45 minutes. 

We have added a small amount of raw fruits and veggies to Sarah's diet. Yay! Aside from a stomach bug for a few days this week, she is doing well and I am thrilled that she has more food options available to her. 

Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop are visiting at the moment. Sarah is often glued to Pop-Pop and his striped shirts. She has also had some lovely Sarah-Rise sessions with Mom-Mom, who noted Sarah's increased verbal clarity, imaginative play, and inner calm. Sarah spontaneously told Mom-Mom "I love you." During family meals, Sarah has been saying "we are having a feast!"

Sarah is often quite chill after I do Becky Blake's program with her. She also begins each session of doing Becky's program with playing the piano. I'm not sure how exactly this became a habit but I'm not going to stop it! It was completely Sarah's idea. The extra adorable thing is that she turns the pages of piano music and looks at them while plunking the keys. Her playing sounds pretty too. This is just her experimenting; we haven't done any sort of piano lesson and I have no plans to do so anytime soon. I just love how she wants to play. Watching her continue to do more pieces of Becky's music movement is lovely. My favorite is when Sarah tries to gallop. It is like watching a filly learn to walk, she is so wobbly and earnest. 

Sarah still has her big upsets around snail shorts, door-play restriction, and lack of making new shakes (when the thermos is already full).  With our recent goal of politeness she is sometimes able to quickly switch from a whiney voice to a normal voice when asked. She is also sometimes switching from a yelled "no, no, no!" to a sweeter "no, thank you" when prompted.

On Tuesday we went to a reunion of an old playgroup from when Sarah was a baby. It was full of running, loud kids (as to be expected). When we first got in the door, Sarah asked to leave. It wasn't the easiest experience for her. There were tempting doors but we weren't allowing her to play in them. She did well with not being able to have the food, and even enjoyed playing with the closed bottle of lemonade. The most exciting thing is that in the midst of the chaos, when one of the dads walked past her she looked up at him and said "hi." This was completely unprompted! 

Despite the fact that I have this written account of Sarah's progress with the programs we are doing, I can still have times of wondering if it is doing anything. I sometimes notice that I think any progress is because Sarah is amazing and any lack of progress is due to a lack of mothering excellence. That is not clear thinking. I think the truth is that Sarah's progress is due to Sarah being amazing and wanting to learn. And what we aim to do with Sarah-Rise, GAPS, and Becky's program is create the most helpful learning environment that we can. 

One of Sarah's favorite games (started by a volunteer)  is to pretend to eat popsicles or ice cream. We pretend they are too hard and hurt our teeth or that they are melting all over and we have to lick them quickly. We pretend to put lemon juice on them and then make sour faces. This week we had a small playful battle where she put salt on my popsicle and so I put pepper and paprika on hers. She countered and won the day by putting garlic on mine! Bleh. 

May your popsicles be the right temperature and flavor.