June 23

This week may have been our biggest yet, or at least close to it. 44 hours. This was thanks to many things going as planned, my newest volunteers all now doing 2 hour sessions (training starts with shorter sessions), and my mom J. (Mom-Mom) visiting to help since Carl was away. Mom-Mom not only does 2 hour shifts when she goes in, but she also did 2 shifts in one day, in addition to giving Amy quality play time and helping with general clean-up. Go Mom-Mom!! 

When J. first arrived she was carrying a tricylce. Sarah gleefully exclaimed "a bike!" and then took off riding around the downstairs. Initially there was a lot of fighting between the girls over who got to ride, but now it seems to have settled more, especially since we still have our car toy and train available. Throughout the day the girls wheel around on some vehicle while talking about going to Cape Cod or Venice.

One night at dinner, J. mentioned talking with R., who the girls know as Pop-Pop. Sarah said "puh-lay with R." We cracked up and explained how I am also called Jenny and Mom-Mom can also be called J. The girls delighted in saying "play with Jenny" and "play with J." It was as if they knew it was a game in some way. 

Sonia and I filled out another Son-Rise evaluation form to help us clarify our progress and current goals. Sarah's imaginative play is progressing beautifully and her greetings/farewells have improved. Our current goals are to work more on sharing and taking turns and to continue with our goal of more physical play.  We are also focusing on helping her say more complete sentences instead of the fragments she often uses. Since we know her so well we often let fragments work as if they were clear, but we are realizing they would be very confusing for those who don't know Sarah. 

Last night Sarah started saying "what you doing?" The first time was when I had stepped around a corner because I didn't feel able to respond kindly to some of her screaming. Carl reported that the other times were when she was getting into something she wasn't supposed to. I guess I must say "Sarah, what are you doing?" very often! I think this might be the first time Sarah has asked a question that isn't quoting a book, unless I am forgetting something from the past. That is a huge milestone, even if it is repeating something I say. I've probably been saying it for her whole life and this is the first time she has decided to say it.

On Monday I had another dialogue with M. Most of the time with dialogues I don't have the crystal clear aha of noting a belief and discarding it but it is so very helpful to spread out my thinking a bit so I can notice some of my patterns more clearly. A few beliefs I have noticed this week, that I am considering changing...Because I am the team leader I am supposed to be the best SR-er and do the most hours per week...I have to feel like I'm working hard to know that I am doing enough/the best I can...If I can get everything done easily and be relaxed then that means I have more help than I deserve; I need to still be working really hard and not quite getting everything done in order to deserve help...If I am doing as much as I am doing and still beat up on myself that I should do more than that means I am a really good mom/person.

I realize there is a factual element towards how much there is to do and how much it is possible to accomplish (cooking, cleaning, basement organization, playing with my children, sarah-rise stuff, etc) but I think in theory it would be possible to allow life to feel like it was flowing easily and still feel like I am doing my best. I do actually experience this feeling of flow and accomplishment a lot of the time, just not all the time. This is a similar pattern to what I noticed when I started getting Alexander Technique lessons regarding giving massages. It started feeling easy to give a massage and then I felt like I must be cheating. That it had to feel like I was working hard for me to deserve the money. And yet I eventually learned that I was actually much more effective when I used myself better (meaning my thinking and body mechanics). I was still working, but it was different. The work was in staying present with my own use and awareness. 

I had a small epiphany regarding massage that I am affirming for the Sarah-Rise time as well. A couple weeks ago my neck felt tight and uncomfortable. Carl put his had there just to say hello and left it in place for several minutes. My body fixed itself. He didn't do anything except provide loving presence. He didn't even know my neck was hurting! So with the massages I have given lately I have had the intention of providing loving presence and trusting that my clients' bodies will know what to do to heal themselves. So... with Sarah-Rise our intention can be to provide loving focused presence and we can trust that Sarah will do whatever she needs to do. (I think I re-learn this concept often just with a slightly different angle each time.) 

In terms of imagination play I was impressed with the scenarios J. created and how much Sarah participated physically with the play (stomping in puddles or mud, drying off). I have also been thinking about what was said about a teacher leaving the Friends' Central School: that she looked like she was having so much fun that the kids wanted to join the party. That is what we are aiming for in our play! And I think that is what J. was doing; she was having fun creating this scenario for play and Sarah easily wanted to play too. That said, there is also the Son-Rise idea that we maybe have to issue the invitation to the party many many many many many many times without getting discouraged or losing our fun. When I play with Sarah about riding on a bus (one of her favorite themes) she easily participates in the driving with turning a wheel and pressing pedals and telling me to get off or give her a ticket. She has not made a motor sound despite my own modeling and invitation. This doesn't mean it is a bad idea to ask her to make a motor sound. It just means she isn't interested... yet. So it is time for me to party on and motor on.

What I love so much about having volunteers is that we get a huge variety of thinking and creativity. My team members continue to come up with ideas that I have never thought of despite my using a certain toy or book repeatedly. I will never stop being amazed and grateful that these incredible people (past and present team members) are part of my life in such a full and dedicated way. 

I would also like to give a special shout-out to Sonia and the varied relationships that we have. We are totally rocking it with her being my sister-in-law, friend, and personal assistant. She spends at least 40 hours a week involved in my life and I love her, enjoy her company, and look forward to our upcoming year together.

And a final cute story... Amy missed Carl a lot and asked to see him a lot. When I would show her his picture she would sigh a contented sigh as if all was right with the world.

June 16

This past week we got 30 hours.

As I write, Sarah is listening to her latest favorite song "video games" by Lana Del Rey, whose name she pronounces perfectly. Last night we had ratatouille and Sarah pronounced that clearly (with some pauses) too, after a few attempts that weren't quite clear such as "rabbit-too-ee."

This week I had the best drive to the Philly/DE area ever. It wasn't just because I was by myself. I've done the drive countless times by myself. What made this time different was really deciding that it was ok for it to take longer than it maybe needed to and that it was ok to stop often and to go slow behind a truck rather than passing when it didn't feel 100% safe. It felt so good to honor my safety and experience in this way. 

While driving, I listened to a beautiful CD specifically for kids on the autism spectrum. It is called The Kingdom of Should and anyone interested can learn more at http://kingdomofshould.com/

What I appreciated was the loving and respectful way each character with challenges was described, plus the idea that they could each receive help to do their very best. The help was through vision therapy and music therapy, as well as the attitude of "can" instead of "should." There is a companion CD that is designed to help soothe a person to sleep. I started listening on my drive too and then realized that was not a good idea! :)

Overall lately I feel like I'm seeing things more clearly and having happier moments because of it. When I start to feel overwhelmed I pause and ask myself what my task of the present moment is. Simplifying it in such a way really helps me let go of my trying to also plan for two weeks in the future. For example, sometimes when I'm getting a meal ready I can also start thinking about what I will need to pack for our trip to Cape Cod and then I start tightening and tensing and not fully breathing. When I realize that my task is actually just to make juice then I can handle that! To me this is very similar to taking more breaks while driving and allowing it to be ok to reach my destination more slowly.

I have also had many moments of noticing that I am judging something or someone and realizing I don't have to do so for me to be ok. I don't need other people to feel happy for me to be happy. They aren't bad for feeling unhappy. I don't need other people to eat the way I do for it to be ok that I eat the way I do. I feel like I am starting to see ever more space between things where I didn't know there was space. It is very freeing. And it is amazing to me how often these patterns of judgement and fear and tightening happen. It is so very many times a day!

I started reading a new book about the Alexander Technique called Indirect Procedures and it couldn't be a more perfect fit for the Option Process thinking I've been exploring. Instead of saying "my shoulders are tight" one is encouraged to say "I am tightening my shoulders." Language is so important. When we own something then we have the ability to change it. It is all about the use of the self. Not the use of our mind or body, but the use of our whole self. 

The reason for my drive to Delaware was to celebrate my dad's retirement. He is a master teacher. He taught for 42 years, and 37 of those years were teaching 3rd grade at Friends' Central School, outside of Philadelphia. In his room, he built Wright flyers, working grist mill/water wheels, pirate ships, and an early Ford motorcar, among other things. Each spring he built a teepee in his room. Every year the lower school picks a fall project and within the overall theme each teacher decides what they want to do. What I really understood is how similar that approach is to what we aim for with Sarah-Rise. Pick a theme and projects that the kids find interesting and motivating and use that as the way of teaching everything else. The teachers also have a good time, just as we aim to do in our SR time. It was beautiful to be in a teaching community that strives for such excellence via creativity and deep respect for their students. I hope to find such an amazing place for my girls. Throughout my time attending middle and high school there I was often asked, "Are you Mr. Briggs' daughter?" Yes, yes I am!

A few Sarah highlights... playing baseball with her and calling her Batter Wellington while she wore a yellow construction helmet. She did a little balloon hitting and a little running the bases. She was so adorable, especially within the pretend scenario in my head. I had such a blast! She also now enjoys having a pretend crib in the SR room and being tucked in like a baby. Yesterday she started playing with an elephant mask and was walking around downstairs making elephant sounds. She also corrected Amy's pronunciation!  While I am so used to Sarah's speaking I still have daily moments of marvel and delight at hearing her. When I brought her downstairs yesterday we were talking about her milkshake in her thermos and she said "pretty low." The level of the shake was indeed pretty low.

The shakes I create and that Sarah drinks involve some combination of the following: avocado, water, stock, coconut milk, broccoli, green bean, fish, sauerkraut, tomato, spinach, mushroom, turkey, chicken, and/or pork chop! She loves these and asks for them throughout the day.

June 9

This past week we clocked 34 hours. It is interesting how sometimes this total number feels small to me but when I go into the Sarah-Rise room and set the timer for 2 hours I think "wow, that's kind of a long time to focus exclusively on one person."  I am continually deeply amazed at the team of people spending such long focused time with my daughter. I am also so appreciative of the people who spend focused time with Amy. It all makes a difference. Amy even has a best friend (in addition to Sarah) thanks to a friend who watches her own daughter and Amy. Unfortunately, they are moving away from Pittsburgh soon. But still, I love love love that Amy has had such a lovely friend connection.

I had a helpful dialogue with M. where I explored some of why I get frustrated when the girls are upset or not listening. While I still have a lot of threads to unravel, the part that I did start to see more clearly is that I don't need to judge their wants as bad in order to go for a different situation myself. For example, when Amy asks to eat something on the sofa that is actually a beautiful idea. It is ok for me to want her to eat at the table for my reasons and because it is my house and my sofa I can enforce my reasons, but I can still honor that her idea was a valid idea. There are many things in my life that I have paired together and I don't even realize they can be separated, and then it is startling when I see them start to come unglued. It can be totally valid that Sarah has lots of feelings about being parted from her snail shorts for even a moment. I don't have to judge her or the crying as bad or annoying to make my choices about how to respond (whether I have time to listen or not). Upset on the part of the girls doesn't necessarily mean that I have made a bad parenting decision and don't know what I am doing. When I get upset about their upset I think it is often because I am doubting my parenting. When I get snippish around the girls and Carl I think it is sometimes out of protectiveness over my time for me. The thing is, for all that I get my hackles up, I really don't like that feeling and I would much rather see the underlying thing that I want and clearly ask for it. As I said, I still have a lot of unraveling to do but I love it when I start to see the glimmers of more space and freedom in various situations. 

Yesterday when my mom called to say hello we quickly found ourselves not quite connecting as easily as usual and I was feeling tight and prickly and also panicky about her leaving the connection. Because she is extraordinary, she stuck with me and helped me start talking about all the tiny things I'd been emotionally carrying around. I hadn't realized that my tiny carry-ons had grown collectively to the size of something that should be checked. So after talking out all of the seemingly tiny things and crying my own tears, I felt much better and we had a lovely connection overall. On the meta-level, I appreciated this interaction as a reminder of how my girls might potentially feel when they are distressed and they think I am leaving them emotionally. The Son-Rise Program suggests a certain way of responding to crying and tantrums and it has worked for many families (lovingly acknowledging but then moving away). I very rarely feel that I can do this genuinely. I think I take the suggestion as meaning we are aiming for less crying and tantrums. Then I am judging the crying and judging my handling of it. When I am clear enough, I prefer to stay present and listen, which has been such a helpful way for people to be with me when I am upset. 

This week was full of tiny (maybe actually huge) wonderful things. When Sarah and Amy and I were all in the SR room together and Amy pretended to eat play-doh, Sarah cracked up. She knows we aren't supposed to eat play-doh. Understanding rules enough to find humor in pretending to break them seems sophisticated in some way, in a very typical-kid way. I also loved this moment because the girls were really playing together, as they have been doing more and more. One night when I was cooking dinner I yelled at them for roughhousing in the kitchen. Then I thought how lovely it was that they were wresting together so much.

Sarah had two appointments this week and for each one she introduced herself when we arrived. Unprompted! Spontaneous! Never done before! Her last name needs a bit of clarifying but she almost has it. 

When I was carrying Sarah into the SR room one afternoon she had her arms around my neck and said clearly and spontaneously (with pauses between each word) "I love you so much." She has never said that full sentence before. If she says anything like it, which is still rare, it is more often "Ah vv do too" which  is how she learned it very early (J: I love you. S: vv eeoo. J: I love you too. I do! S: Ah vv do too.)

Sarah has started juicing the greens in the morning completely of her own accord. Usually she would move the kale, chard, or collard greens out of her way so she could get the carrots and celery. I would do the greens. This week she started picking up the greens to do them too.

I made meatballs and cut them into pieces for the girls to eat. Amy ate all of hers. Sarah ate a couple bites and then put the rest on the table. I told her I wanted her to eat some more or to at least leave them on the plate if she didn't want them. While I was temporarily distracted, Amy's plate and my plate mysteriously filled with new meatball bites. When I called Sarah on her sneakiness she gave me a knowing look of pure, intentional innocence.

She has been making faces at herself in the mirror sometimes when she is at the bathroom sink. One morning she then pointed to her actual self and said "it's me." We have been working on pronouns for a while. Pronouns are so tricky because they change all around as you try to explain them. Often I use her own hand to point to herself or to me and then say the sentence that would be correct. 

One of our goals is to get Sarah involved in more physical play. J. wore a Pirates shirt one night and that somehow lead to a baseball game in the SR room and running to first base! Carl has gotten a little bit of a game of tag going. Another volunteer encouraged Sarah to participate in cleaning up by turning the process into a basketball game (throwing the toy pieces into the box). 

Sarah has been interested in the new pictures of friends and family that are part of our new games, but so far hasn't embraced the new play in the way we envisioned. This is very typical of games made for Son-Rise rooms - they often don't unfold as planned and that is ok too. This is why we are flexible!

With Son-Rise play it is suggested that we add one small thing at a time as the way to build into a more complex scenario. I hadn't really experienced this much until this week when we started with a tent and kept adding small things (drawing a campfire, singing camp songs, singing about the plaid tent, roasting hot dogs, roasting marshmallows, eating pea donuts). Then we switched to creating a bus which was very simple at first and then grew and changed. First I was the driver, then we got a steering wheel and Sarah was the driver. Then we were stopping for play-doh ice cream. Then we were reading a book on the bus. In both play scenarios what I really appreciated was how we both added ideas and how I was able to incorporate some of her ideas into the original theme instead of switching to new play as I might have done in the past (such as when she said to get ice cream, I made sure that was just a stop on our bus ride instead of ditching the bus).

As a supreme finish to a week filled with lots of pretend buses, Carl took Sarah on an adventure downtown yesterday and they rode buses and subways together. He said she did amazingly well with almost all of it, staying focused and attentive. At one point they took a break to have a snack at a bar (I had packed Sarah-friendly snacks). When another child came in, Sarah's excited jaw movements and arm movements started up in earnest. This is such helpful feedback to know how she is doing with processing various parts of her life. Kids, automated doors, and hallways with patterned carpet or lights (as they have at the Children's hospital) can still really get her excited movements going and other connections become harder at that time. When she is in the SR room she is now almost always reachable. As I continue to notice and affirm, it is good to have occasional experiences outside the home and the SR room, but I think Sarah learns and grows more quickly in the quiet focused space we have created for her. 

I am pleased to report that for the first time ever the scale registered 34 lbs for our little peanut!!

June 2

This past week we had 25 1/2 hours of official Sarah-Rise time and lots of lovely moments.

One afternoon Sarah and Amy were playing together, sort of hugging and wrestling at the same time. Sarah spontaneously gave Amy a zerbert (aka a raspberry) on her cheek. During a SR session with me she promptly reciprocated a zerbert without any prompting.

Amy loves doing Ring-Around-The-Rosey either with me or stuffed animals. It is beyond adorable when she sings it to herself while spinning with a doll. She always asks Sarah to do it with her but Sarah almost always says no or doesn't respond. On the Amy-zerbert afternoon I prompted "come do ring-around-the-rosey with us" instead of asking. Sarah participated 3 times! 

One evening during dinner Sarah stood up to eat her avocado popsicle. Amy then got up and sidled up as close as she could to Sarah. Then Sarah started spinning and so did Amy. Carl and I were cracking up at this sisterly moment that felt like a falling in love scene from an '80's romantic comedy.

We had friends come over for dinner on Friday night and Sarah was very upset that I wouldn't make her another avocado shake when she wanted it. She was crying and yelling a lot. C. was sitting behind her and said something about how it was a bummer she couldn't have what she wanted. Sarah momentarily paused, turned to C., and said "yes" and then went back to her upset. What I loved about that moment was that Sarah turned half-way around to make solid eye contact and respond clearly and appropriately to a statement that had a new word for her (bummer). In general, C. said Sarah was interacting, looking, and communicating more than she had a few months ago.

Sc had a session where she and Sarah played with two themes for the whole 2 hours (making milkshakes and then buses). That is phenomenal in terms of flexibility, imagination play, and attention span. It has since also been determined that apparently Sc is the only one who knows how to appropriately build a bus. :)

We have an influx of new volunteers and returning volunteers getting started this coming week which is absolutely wonderful. Last night we had a team meeting and I was so aware of how influential we are as a team since we all have different ideas. We can provide such a variety of play experiences for Sarah that she wouldn't get if it was just me. We spent a lot of the meeting sharing some of our recent moments with Sarah and reviewing her goals and motivations. We spent the last half hour making games. This was a first and it was hugely successful. I have been intending to create games for a long time but it was the thing that never made it to the priority level of my to-do list. For this meeting I prepared with craft supplies and lots of printed pictures of people that Sarah knows. 

We now have a poster-board with velcro spots for a matching game of faces of family and friends. We have a transportation poster-board that can utilize the same faces as the matching game. We have cut-out heads of family and friends on popsicle sticks with construction paper accessories and hair. We also have small construction paper snails hidden around the room and a pile of their matching counterparts with written reminders as to where the hidden match is. I love my team so much and I am so impressed with everyone every time. Every time I see their glowing faces and hear the love as we talk about Sarah I am filled to the brim with gratitude. Each hour of focused, loving SR time is such a gift and the group meeting takes it to the next level because we have a whole group of people meeting with the sole purpose of loving and helping another person be the best that she can be. The beauty of Son-Rise is that the best way to help Sarah is for us to clear our own emotional junk and thus be the best that we can be. 

Sb, one of the most amazing volunteers and people I have ever known, is going to be leaving our program because it really doesn't fit with her schedule at the moment. I am so grateful for the time she has given. She embodies the three E's (Energy, Excitement, and Enthusiasm) and her creativity has had my jaw drop many a time. She is especially skilled at using Sarah's motivations to branch into new games. She will be missed!