February 10

This past week we got 31 1/2 hours. I consider this quite an achievement given that 1) Sonia is away for possibly all of February 2) my headaches are still around and I felt sort of sick from some of them this week so didn't do very much SR myself and 3) we started the GAPS intro with Sarah on Feb 4th and she had a bit of a healing crisis (more details below). Thank goodness my mom was able to be here and she had wonderful loving energy to give to all of us and did large chunks of SR time, including a 3 hour session! She is driving home today so I'm reminding myself again to be gentle with myself and my expectations this month. I can have my goals but I am endeavoring to let it be ok when I don't meet them.

Last Sunday when Sarah started wanting N. to arrive several hours before his time, I suggested that she could wear the new watch that Pop-Pop got for her. She was keen to do so and studied it as I pointed out what to look for; she wore it all day.  After playing with N., we had friends come over to watch the Superbowl and some of these friends have a baby. Sarah was very interested and kept saying "oh baby!"

Yesterday Sarah gave me perhaps the first direct compliment she has ever bestowed upon me: I came in wearing new brown pants and she said "bown pa(n)ts...like dem" (brown pants, like them).

Now about GAPS... thank you all for your mid-week support. I am sure it helped Sarah and it definitely helped me to feel so supported. I was surprisingly emotional before we started, mourning on Sarah's behalf for the foods that I was going to be temporarily removing from her diet, healthy foods that are on full GAPS but not the intro. Throughout the week I have also felt more of a pull towards eating non-GAPS foods, especially chocolate, bread, and pizza. I hadn't had very strong cravings for these until this week, and I wasn't even the one being so deprived of full GAPS stuff!

Some of you asked for more information about what GAPS is and why we are doing it. It stands for Gut And Psychology Syndrome. It is a protocol for healing a leaky gut, which is common among people on the autism spectrum. When there are small tears in the gut lining then foods that normally are healthy and helpful can become toxic to the body. The intro involves a day of just chicken soup (where the bones for the broth cook for at least 12 hours) and then you gradually add in other easily digestible foods. On day 1 Sarah ate chicken soup all day without a problem. I thought we were going to sail through this whole process. Ha! While many people could have chicken soup all day and not experience a healing crisis, for someone whose gut is compromised in some way a healing crisis (this looks like being sick) is probably coming. This started day 2 and continued through day 3. She lost 2 1/2 pounds since we started the intro. On Thursday she was technically allowed a teaspoon of yogurt but no more, according to the book. The practitioner guiding us through all of this said she could have more yogurt and she proceeded to eat 12 oz throughout the day, perking up into more of her normal self even before all the extra yogurt. She is now eating zucchini chips and frozen whipped avocado and mashed cauliflower and scrambled eggs and "pie" (butternut squash, eggs, stock, coconut oil). She is barely touching her stock and usually spits out her meat. In the past she often ate meat easily and drank stock easily so I think she probably still has an association with feeling sick after eating the chicken soup. The tricky thing is that to heal her gut wall the most needed items are animal fats, meats, and stock. She is not yet pooping so I am worried that things aren't working because we can't get enough animal products in her, but I am also reminding myself she might just need more time and that I don't have to freak out immediately. (I am really good at freaking out immediately). This whole process has pointed out how I still have more emotional layers of taking on a responsibility that isn't fully mine. Sure, I can have the responsibility to provide the recommended foods because I am choosing to try to heal her body in this GAPS way, but I can't force her to eat and it isn't really my responsibility for her to eat. It is hers. More layers of recognizing her independence and giving her space. Dang is that hard sometimes! The deep fear is that she will die and that it will be my fault. I know this is a little extreme, but recognizing that it is there can help me let go of the fear. I think I also have some disappointment that she isn't now snarfing several pounds of meat a day, as some other children have done (after 3-4 days of not eating).

Among the many beautiful moments of the week... when Sarah's volunteers came during her low-energy days, she wanted them to be the ones to carry her between the SR room and her room. So even when she wasn't feeling good she still wanted to be with her friends. And when Mom-Mom told Sarah that she loved her all to pieces, Sarah responded with her best attempt at saying the same thing back.

I hope you all are feeling loved and supported. Thanks for being my village.