October 14

I was away this week for more Son-Rise training and with the help of  Sonia and Carl and my volunteers we still got Sarah-Rise time! We got 15 1/2hrs and I only did 2 of them.

The name of my training course was Maximum Impact and I am soooooo glad I attended. It was one of the best weeks of my life. AMAZING. The people who run ATCA (Autism Treatment Center of America, home of the Son-Rise Program) are some of the most deeply loving and insightful and helpful people I have ever encountered. I learned so much about how to run a more effective program and how I want to live my life in general. I feel happier and freer and like I can have a more expansive wonderful life.

In case you find yourself thinking, "gee, I wish I had a kid with special needs so I could have such an amazing experience too..." there are easier ways. :) The Option Institute, which is the overall home of ATCA and Son-Rise, offers lots of classes for anyone, including a parenting class for parenting in general. And it is absolutely beautiful there. The foliage at this time of year was breathtaking.

My week helped me clarify my purpose and goals for Sarah. My goal with Sarah-Rise is to help Sarah thrive and flourish to the best of her ability. I will do this through loving her completely and unconditionally. I will look at any place within myself that gets stuck with loving any part of who she is.

I can still set boundaries in our life together so it isn't a five year old running the house, but I can do so without anger. If I do feel angry or sad or hopeless then I can ask myself why so I can see if I am acting on a belief that I'd rather not believe anymore. For example, if Sarah is not figuring out a puzzle and I feel upset...why am I upset? I'm upset because I believe if she doesn't figure this out now then she will never get it and I have failed as her mother. is that true? hmm, I guess not getting the puzzle in this moment doesn't actually say anything about the next moment and it doesn't actually reflect on me as a mother. It means she is having trouble getting a puzzle piece in in this moment.

I had a dialogue with Bears about my feeling sad about the idea that maybe Sarah will never be a typical child. He asked "why, if you don't get what you want, would that be so painful?" For me that is a very freeing question. I haven't yet figured out my full answer but asking the question points out that there is a choice and that maybe I can say "I wanted a typical child, she isn't. Oh. Ok. I can still have an awesome life being me. It doesn't actually have to be painful or mean that I am somehow a bad person. It just means I didn't get what I thought I wanted." I think sometimes I feel sad or angry in the hopes that it will motivate me or change something but ultimately I then feel sluggish and less motivated and just want to eat sugar all day. When I am feeling good then I am actually a more motivated person and mother.

I now understand so much more about different ways to celebrate Sarah and different ways to request things of her. I had thought I was requesting things for a long time (eg. that she put on her pants in the morning). Now I realize I was asking for about 20 seconds and barely scratching the surface of fun ways to request and that before I can clearly request I want to be comfortable in myself with the possibility that she might take hours to put on her pants. If I am comfortable then I can request over and over and over in a light and fun way. If I am uncomfortable and needing her to do something so that I feel happy then my requesting comes from a tight, frozen place which will be much less effective. And why are pants so important anyway? Isn't my communicating a deep love and acceptance of my daughter actually more of a priority? Don't I learn best and want to cooperate most when I myself feel deeply loved and accepted for who I am?

I also learned how to run more effective team meetings and feedback sessions so that our team can be a more cohesive unit.

Sonia noted how Sarah's language has continued to improve. I feel like I notice new words, clarity, and thinking abilities daily. When I called some evenings Sarah would tell me (when prompted) goodnight. Last night when I was giving her a bath she talked about sharks and fish swimming in the water and then said " [play] soap suds in a bath tub." The only word that wasn't fully enunciated was "play."

I am grateful for Sarah and her condition...if I had had two typical children then I think I would still have felt like a harried, overloaded, and overwhelmed mother at times, hemming myself in with shoulds about motherhood, but not asking for big help. Sarah being who she is has helped me learn to ask for and receive help and support in ways I never dreamed of. I had the epiphany while driving that I am never alone in this. If I ever feel stuck there are so many people I can call for help. So many people have thought so clearly about how to love these children with unique challenges that I really don't have to figure it all out on my own. So next time I am struggling I won't wait so long to seek help. The other participants at Max Impact were as impressive and insightful in many ways as the instructors. There is really a world-wide Son-Rise team, with so many people striving to be forces of nature for their children. We are all going to be whooping it up in our playrooms across the globe.

I am grateful forever and always for my mom for being my biggest champion in all that I have ever done. And for making these training weeks possible by coming to be with Amy. And for consistently helping me live a fuller and happier and Jenny-er life.