September 29

This week we got 10 hours. I know long ago that would have felt like a huge achievement. Now that we have reached much bigger numbers and have bigger future goals that feels like a small number.  In my consultation with M. she helped me see that I am still running a program, even if the numbers are smaller and that maybe I don't have to be disappointed in myself. I am really ready for M. to be here next week and to go for the next bit of SR training. I need a boost.

This has been a hard week, a hard month, a hard 5 1/2 years. I know that some times haven't felt hard at all (many are easy and joyful and exciting and amazing), but when things do feel hard it is difficult to remember that it's not always that way. Please know that every response, every email of support, every phone call, every question about how things are going, every everything that you do to let me know you are with me really means a very great deal to me. It means a great deal each and every time.

I think this was a particularly hard week for multiple reasons.
1. It is hard being a parent
2. It is extra hard parenting a child with special needs (I continue to be stunned by the ease with which Amy learns things and imitates things and wants to help with things and listens to things and eats things)
3. It is hard having a rambunctious toddler and a child with special needs
(yes, I know they are also my greatest love and joy, and yet...)
4. Last week one of my first grade teachers died
5. Last week a friend that I knew since I was 4 died
6. Sunday-Monday I drove 13 hours to attend the funeral. Still processing the death of someone so young. Still processing that she won't write back any more.
7. Carl and I didn't see each other from Sunday afternoon till Friday night and this was his fourth trip this month
8. Got briefly locked out of the house Friday afternoon (climbed a ladder to get in through the balcony)
9. Every morning is a struggle to get Sarah to dress herself/use the potty in a time frame that feels shorter than a thousand years
10. Amy fell off some equipment at the playground and bumped her head; she was ok but I was shaken.
11. We are still not up to full volunteer strength. Soon. I knew Sept would be this way, but it doesn't make it easier. It does make me appreciate my volunteers even more than ever.
12. Sometimes I am just tired of cleaning up toys and dishes and trying to keep everyone fed
13. Sometimes I am tired of the screaming and the crying and the tantrums
14. Sometimes I am tired of being asked 20 times a day to put on my jean shorts
15. Sometimes I want to wake up and have Sarah be a typical kid
16. Sometimes I am tired of the weird things that Sarah does
17. Sometimes I am tired of reading Amy's books to her over and over and over and over and over
18. The days are long. Even when I have help for some portion of them, they can feel very long.

On the plus side, Sarah has eaten cooked peas two days in a row!

Sarah's eye contact outside of the SR room is sometimes just beautifully present and clear. It is like this inside the room too but not always and not lately for me. Lots of semi-exclusive or fully exclusive behavior and less eye contact in the room (including telling me to move back). I also brought less umph to the room this week. Outside the room we have conversations of many loops as she goes through some of her new things to discuss. One recent event was last weekend when she and Carl tried to fix a broken toy by taking it apart with a screwdriver and putting in new batteries and testing wires. It is still broken. She talks about: turn screwdriver, fix toy, buy a new one, new batteries, new speaker, etc. (not all quite clear to outside listeners but pretty good if you know the context).

When we went on a walk in the rain I had a drop of rain go in my eye and others go up my nose. I also bumped my head on a wet leaf. The next day Sarah said "Don't bump head on wet leaf" and "you bump head on wet leaf" and "dop water up nose" and "dop water in a eye."

When she was playing outside and tripped a caught herself she said "Okay...yay...caught sef hans."

It is great that we are on the verge of my not being so impressed with her level of talking, that I am almost taking it for granted. Wow. I also realize we are now at a point when I need to watch my own language. Ahem. :)

I know some of you probably had harder weeks than I did. I hope the rest of you had easier weeks. I hope we all have a good upcoming week.

Love to all. Thanks for listening.