October 15

I’ve had some moments, mostly Friday afternoon and evening, where I felt embarrassed and disappointed about my parenting. I yell. I grump. I speak with judgement, disappointment, disdain, and impatience in my voice. I wish I didn’t. I’m not proud of that part of me. I resolve many times that I won’t do any of that anymore. Then I do. As I write these sentences I feel knee-high to a duck. I’m starting with this bit of things so that things start improving as soon as you read further! I’m also noticing that in the past I’ve been going away from something I didn’t want instead of towards what I do want. So, henceforth I will intend to be kind. That will be my mantra. I know I am kind already a lot of the time. I just want to grow that quality even more.

On Friday the girls walked to a friend's house together without me. It was just around the corner and didn’t involve crossing streets, but it still felt like a very grown-up thing to do.  As I watched from my house I could hear Amy telling Sarah they should practice about her allergies. Amy asked Sarah if Sarah wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and Sarah said no. That moment felt so perfect I was almost teary.

From G.: "When I approach Sarah, specifically, I engage in very Sarah-specific and Sarah-plus-context-specific ways that individualize the experience.  Additionally, I carry with me experiences and knowledge related to speech/language disorders, behavior support, Son-Rise/Sarah-Rise, etc.  But if I back away further from “the trees” so that I’m in the atmosphere even beyond my professional knowledge and experience, and enter the human space, it strikes me that my overarching clinical (…and life, for that matter…) goal is that: nobody feels “less than.” I think that’s the rock-crystal core, everything boiled down to the smallest cohesive unit. And I believe Sarah is mostly swimming in a community pool of: nobody feels “less than.” It’s very wonderful.”

Indeed. So wonderful.

Sarah has been enjoying wearing my old capris pants with a pair of suspenders a volunteer got for her. Her love of suspenders in the first place was also because of a volunteer who wore his own suspenders often. There was one night this week when Sarah called out in her sleep, “oh no, my strap!” I went to help her and realized that she somehow thought she was still wearing the suspenders and that one had come unclipped. Once I told her sleepy self that she was still in pajamas and wasn’t wearing suspenders she quickly went back to sleep.

When Sarah called out her “oh no!” there was some part of my sleepy self that felt a heartache I haven’t felt in a while. It was the deep heartache that came with realizing something was “wrong” with my child; that was my moment of “oh no!”  I don’t want to see her situation as something wrong. And yet, how can I not also be aware of how different my life would have been if she had been “normal?” Yet again, if that had been the case I wouldn’t have known this other world that has opened my heart more than I knew possible. I have no doubt that I am a better person because of Sarah being Sarah. I have no doubt that not only is she a blessing because of her beautiful spunky sparkly determined ornery loving self, but she is a blessing because of the deeply amazing people that are now in my life. I also have no doubt that Amy is the most perfect sister for Sarah that I could ever have hoped for. She inspires Sarah, she fights and plays with her. She also gives me all the traditional-looking love and connection and parenting moments that I thought I had lost because my connection with Sarah is less traditional, though no less loving and wonderful. Amy is a blessing because of Amy being Amy, her beautiful determined cat-loving playful artistic affectionate quick-learning self. What a good pair they are. Writing all of this out has already helped me heal my heart that tiny bit more.

We have been enjoying the latest Sandra Boynton CD called “Hog Wild.” There is a song about being a C-A-T and the the girls like to quietly chime in their own whispered chorus of “that’s Olivia.” It was Amy’s idea and Sarah quickly started doing it too.

Amy has been helping Sarah with her seatbelt, either buckling it for her or encouraging Sarah to try again and again to be a pro.

The girls played a very short whiffle t-ball game. They each had a turn as the catcher and as the batter. Amy was upset that the game was so short. I couldn’t believe it happened at all. I spent a few minutes talking to Amy about how Sarah sometimes just leaves activities that feel hard for her but that if we keep celebrating her attempts then she will stick with it longer and longer. That is how it was when we started playing board games with Sarah. At first it was laughably impossible and now it is almost so easy as to feel boring.

Amy was telling me that her leg hurt when she tried to sit criss-cross. Isn’t that a fortunate moment to have a mom who is a massage therapist? I worked on her for about 15 minutes and she was then able to sit comfortably. I love this stuff. Seriously. I cannot believe I have work that I love so very much.

If your pants are too big, whether real or metaphorical, I hope you have whatever suspenders you need. I hope you feel like a pro. I hope you are celebrated for all of your small attempts at whatever dream may seem laughably impossible.

October 8

When I got home from my trip (which was wonderful), I soaked up love and welcome. Sarah was clearly pleased to see me when I met her bus and Amy leapt into my arms while telling me how much she missed me and loved me. I’ve been really focusing more on noticing the love in a bigger way than I sometimes might. Noticing the love that comes to me regardless of how imperfect I might be feeling. Noticing that the girls really don’t care if my clothes are fitting a bit more tightly or if my hair makes me look like a water buffalo. No one seems to care. It doesn’t stop any of the love. The only person who criticizes me seems to be myself. I am endeavoring to be more conscious of any mean thoughts and to change them, to see myself more as the girls do. One year I made my mom a present of an old pair of my glasses with post-its piled up on each lens with loving and true sentiments of how I see her. Because that is the thing: we need to see ourselves more as others do and we will probably be so much kinder to ourselves than when we look with our own eyes.

Sarah lost her ring. For real this time. It was just a small silver ring but she really loved wearing it and playing with it. When she lost it, either at school or on the bus, she was extremely upset. Once she regained her equilibrium I said maybe she could get a new one for Christmas. That seems to have solved the problem. I didn’t want to replace it immediately and thus have no consequence for losing it, but I do want her to have a ring if she wants one. Amy wants one too. Now I just have to measure their small fingers.

Friday night was the Fall Festival for Amy’s school. Last year the fall and spring festivals were rather stressful because I was mostly solo parenting. This time it felt easy because we had both parents so I didn’t have the stress of keeping eyes on two roving kids who want to do different things. 

Saturday we went to a pumpkin farm that had a ton of fun things for kids to do. With each thing we had to pull the girls away because we knew they would be upset if they ran out of time for all of the other activities. They began with playing in large boxes filled with dried corn. After having some food they discovered the live music and would have easily spent all afternoon there. Sarah especially had a glowing joy about her as she danced. When she first arrived on the scene no one was dancing and she was solo. Her moves and joy encouraged other kids to join in the fun. Next we went out to the pumpkin patch and play area that included a super long slide, a firetruck, rubber ducks that you could move down troughs by pumping water, and human-sized hamster wheels. We stayed as long as we could and when the tractor took us back to the car we were one of two cars left, which was hilarious because Carl and I have a small history of being the last to leave places. It was such a fun and (mostly) easy adventure. How do I have such grown-up kids?!?

May you see yourself through my eyes.

October 1

Lately Sarah likes to bring our stroller to Amy’s school pick-up. Either Sarah pushes an empty stroller or I push her in it while she reads. I love that. I love how much she loves books. Every morning I give her a book to read on her bus. Most of the kids have ipads but I don’t want Sarah spending her bus time that way. She gets her iphone time while waiting for the bus and that is plenty of time since I like to have her ready 10-15 minutes early.

Sarah lost a tooth! On Thursday. It was a tooth that had gotten pushed by an incoming tooth so that the baby tooth was at a very awkward angle. I'm so glad it is finally gone. Her teacher said she sent the tooth home in a bag in Sarah's folder but it wasn't there when I unpacked her things. Since we had the tooth case left from Amy's school, Carl sneakily put a small piece of a cracker in the case and taped it shut so the girls wouldn't discover the trickery. This way the tooth fairy could still come. Sarah couldn't have cared less but Amy definitely cared that all occurred as it should have. 

As many of you know, Sarah got tubes in her ears on Friday. It was supposed to be Wednesday so I had cleared my schedule for Wednesday and Thursday. When the anesthesiologist learned more details about Sarah he decided she should be seen at the main hospital instead of a satellite location. I wish they could have determined that long ago. Fortunately, they had a cancellation for Friday at the main hospital with the same doctor. The reason for the surgery was her frequent ear infections last winter/spring and her audiology test in the summer that indicated fluid that wasn't draining. The doctor said a lot of old fluid was removed during the surgery. 

The hardest parts of the ear tube procedure were the bath/hair washing that had to occur Thursday and her waking from the surgery. You may have heard her screaming, wherever in the world you were. She desperately wanted them to turn off the lights, but she was in a large communal space. She had her own private corner with curtains, but they couldn't actually turn off the lights. She would have nothing to do with apple juice or pain medication. She was so upset that there was no talking or reasoning or getting her dressed. Rather than waiting for her to move through her upset, we collectively decided she could just leave, hospital gown and all. No need to drink fluid and keep it down. They took her to the car in a wheelchair and we were on our way. We detoured to Carl's work because she kept asking for him. Once she was in the car she was calm. Once she got home and had an apple juice popsicle, then she was sparkly and playful and HUNGRY. She ate 8 very small popsicles, a small dish of ice cream, half a bagel with cream cheese, 8 oz of apple juice, and a fruit/veggie pouch. Later we went out to do a couple of errands. She was able to have her usual time with G. All of this with no upset and no pain medication. 

As you are reading this I am driving from Montana to the Poconos with my dear childhood friend. I am super excited that she will now live within an easy day’s drive. We are each driving a vehicle so we get to see each other at rest stops and the start and end of each day. There are also cats. The drive is beautiful. 

September 24

Sarah started asking to sit next to S, an older kid on her bus. Wednesday morning it was arranged so S was next to Sarah! They are now next to each other for every ride. 

One afternoon while eating yogurt, Sarah started singing "why did the kids put yogurt on Olivia?" Instead of "why did the kids put jam on the cat?" which is in a song from the Fantasticks. I worked very hard not to laugh.

Inspired by our time at the hotel pool last weekend, I joined a gym so I can use the pool. I love swimming but haven’t prioritized it for many years. I suddenly realized that made no sense and that I could just make it happen. I’ve also decided not to count my laps but just to swim because I love to swim rather than as part of any fitness goal.

Speaking of fitness goals though, I do seem to go through a cycle multiple times a day: I want to lose a few pounds and be more trim so I will feel more like myself. I can do this by changing how I eat. Just veggies, fruit, and protein. Just home made. But really I look great and should notice that instead of criticizing myself. All the people who love me love me as I am and still will if I don’t change. I don’t want to live a life that feels limited or strict. I want to eat delicious things from restaurants and bakeries too. I want life to feel full and flexible. Ok, no really, I do want to lose a few pounds…. Around and around that hamster wheel I go. I think mostly it is all loosely held and noticed. I’m mainly now reminding myself that when I feel good about myself and life then I tend to make better choices. I also make better choices when I have good food easily available and already prepared. That last step has been feeling slightly elusive of late because there are just other things I want to do sometimes.

Yesterday the girls had gymnastics. There are often moments when I marvel at all that Sarah can do. There are also moments that feel challenging, such as keeping track of my chickens in the shoe room when there are a million people there. Yesterday Amy was very complainy about how I didn’t give them more time on the hallway ramps and how I wasn’t taking them to the co-op to get a snack. By the time I got home, which was only 15 minutes later, I realized I hadn’t really been breathing properly and that I was holding all of my head and neck muscles tightly. I do this on many occasions but I’m starting to see more commonality in the situations. Large group settings. Keeping track of children. Whining children. Me wanting to just get out of the situation and be home. Now that I’m off my headache meds I feel more alert to when I tighten everything in such a way that it is like I am shrinking my head. While these moments aren’t fun, it is helpful to notice them and realize how often in the past I probably was doing the same thing but it was so constant that I wasn’t aware of it and couldn’t let go. 

Yesterday I created a crossword puzzle relating to neuromuscular therapy. I was inspired to try my hand at it when my teacher for the class I recently audited said that he might make one. Making crossword puzzles is hard!! Especially when you want to keep it to a theme. Carl said there is probably an app to make the process easier, but he understood that I wanted the fun of puzzling it out for myself. It was fun. And I only accidentally used words twice a few times! And I only needed to number a few things as something and a half. When doing all of this with pencil there is a point of no return because there was no way I was erasing half of what I had done.

The girls have their Halloween costumes. This is the first year I took them shopping individually and it felt so much easier! Amy is going to be a witch, unless she changes her mind, which has happened for the past few Halloweens. Sarah found a “gangster gal” costume that we are calling her business woman costume. It is black with pink stripes, tie, and lapels. She looks so good I can’t even stand it. 

This week has been so hot that we got the sprinkler going again. Amy prepared herself with her swimsuit, bicycle helmet, umbrella, and small broom! I love how her mind works to collect all of her props.

September 18

Amy lost her first two teeth! Miraculously, the tooth fairy even found us when we were in a hotel. For Amy’s first tooth she wrote herself a note to remember to put it under her pillow (Put [picture of tooth] undr pilo).

We attended a family wedding this past weekend, thus the slightly delayed sending of this update. (Also, due to the request of one of my favorite readers I will now go back to writing on Sunday instead of Saturday). The  whole trip went quite well, despite times when the girls had to wait for food and they were up past their bedtime. Given that, I am especially impressed with them. For the wedding itself there were three hungry kids (two of them mine) and if it wasn’t for Sarah having some dietary restrictions I wouldn’t have brought any food with me. Luckily, since I needed to bring a few items for her anyway I chose to throw some extra snacks in my bag and they saved us all from at least two melt-downs. Always, always, always bring snacks. 

Amy makes new friends wherever she goes and she was quick to become best friends with her cousin. She was in tears when they had to say goodbye. She was also in tears on Friday because she was missing school for our trip. She was upset about missing her friends and missing math class!

An excellent rest stop between Pittsburgh and VA along route 522 is the Virginia Farm Market. They have apples and pumpkins and cider doughnuts. They have a sandy area with a ropes course. They have a large wooden train. They have steps. They have flags. They have an old tractor. They have bathrooms. This was a highlight of our drive both directions.

One morning last week Sarah’s bus was slightly late and she was getting worried, as was I. When it arrived, Sarah said, “Hallelujah!"

Another sweet moment was when I was talking to a friend who was sad. Sarah snuggled up on my lap and kept giving me huge hugs. In general, she has been a bit snugglier than usual, especially when I say I am cold. She wants to help me get warm by giving me big snuggles. She also likes to have me pretend to be Olivia, our cat, rubbing against her face to say “hello and I love you.” Sarah then pets my head and back.

We have caught three mice (alive) in a week now that I have a new trap that the mice can’t outsmart. Our previous traps were either solid dark plastic or so opaque that I couldn’t see well. I used to be so scared of setting the mice free. I think this was because I couldn’t see what was happening. The new trap is larger and see-through and I’m not scared at all. I feel like there is some profound life lesson in this about seeing clearly what one is up against and then whatever it is isn’t so scary, even if it is something you don’t want in your life.

Now to free a mouse, far from my home.

September 9

Note to self: if the girls are allowed to play in the car I need to start checking it every time they are done to make sure no inside lights are on or else the car battery might die. For instance.

Last weekend we had a marvelous time camping. As we were assembling our enormous pile of stuff before loading the car I was feeling stressed and wondering why we ever go camping. We needed more food than usual because our intention was to stay for two nights, something we haven’t done since before Sarah was born. I was worried about us being cold so I brought many extra blankets and our winter coats and hats and gloves. And swim gear. Because Labor Day was going to be warm and beautiful. I actually did wear my winter coat and was glad to have it, though I would have been fine without it. We also used our swimsuits. Now I think we will only ever do two or more nights. It was so restful to have a whole day that didn’t involve any setting up or taking down of anything. We saw two people we knew and discovered that our campsite neighbors are friends with one of Amy’s teachers. It is such a small world! The girls went to the campsite bathroom all by themselves on multiple occasions, which is another amazing step towards being all grown up.

A small miracle occurred yesterday because I actually received a call in the morning from Sarah’s bus company letting me know that her bus would be late. Unfortunately this meant that probably the afternoon bus would also be late because that usually happens when there is a substitute driver. The tricky thing was that I had a client and Sarah has her time with G as soon as she gets home. I knew that I would have to cancel my client or gamble on the bus being on time. I lost my bet. Still, at least the communication was pretty good with all of it and thanks to G being flexible Sarah still got 1/2 an hour with him.

A friend suggested that in difficult interpersonal situations it can help to be neutral and not take anything personally. I said I didn’t know how to do this and I needed to be shadowed. He said he would just follow me around saying “it’s not about you” all the time. I have tried saying this to myself when the girls are whining or upset about something and it actually has helped me stay calmer. This is in line with the Son-Rise and Option ideas about how we are choosing our responses in any given situation and that other people can’t actually make us feel a certain way. What is useful is that this is a slightly different angle than I have tried before. 

For the past couple weeks our dishwasher has been non-functional. Today we await the delivery of a replacement! The thing is, I think I have actually done a better job keeping the kitchen clean without a dishwasher because I dare not let things get out of hand. I sort of wonder if we would be better off with me always hand-washing everything. I know that wondering will last about a nanosecond once the new dishwasher is installed.

I have changed the rules a bit for the girls. Instead of their morning phone/ipad time being a given, now they earn it the night before by doing whatever cleaning we ask of them and by getting ready for bed easily. So far so good. It helps to frame it as something earned by good behavior rather than lost by bad behavior.

I am now completely off my headache meds. Fingers crossed. Or rather, fingers working my trigger points regularly! 

September 2

Sarah started second grade on Monday! The most exciting part of this was that her bus (van) is new and has a new driver who is timely and friendly! Both girls are loving school. Amy has some neighborhood friends that attend her school and they run there together in the morning and run back home together in the afternoon, with the parents trailing behind.

Sarah had some homework that I was to help her with and I already managed to do it wrong and be stressed about it! Just a tiny bit. I corrected what I thought was a grammatical error on the part of the teacher and then realized it was probably intended and that I had misread the meaning of the sentence. I put a post-it note of apology on top of my correction. 

Swim lessons won’t resume until mid-September because the indoor pool is being repaired and it is tooooooo coooooold for the outdoor pool. The girls are disappointed but it is much easier to handle when we know ahead of time.

Amy loves chocolate chip pancakes (no syrup) and this week she poured the batter herself! 

Amy has two extremely loose teeth. She has yet to lose any teeth so she is very excited about this.

Sarah had vision therapy this week and did an amazing job playing catch for about 5 minutes with a large, soft ball. She can catch it out in front of her instead of having it fall into her body. She has probably had this ability for a while, but it was wonderful to witness it.

I feel like Sarah’s verbal ability has increased just in the last couple of weeks. Her dexterity with sentence variety and formation seems more fluid. It is as if she is just a little faster and a little sharper. 

I think last week I forgot to share about Sarah saying the snails on her pants were sad and crying tears out of their little eyes. For some reason her adding the word “little” made it super funny.

The girls have been having a good time making art with glue and glitter. Usually I put these supplies away immediately and I avoid bringing them out as much as possible. This week I decided to just let it be. There is glitter all over the dining room floor. There is glitter migrating through the house. There is glitter in Amy’s hair because she put it there. 

On Monday I forgot it was Monday and was convinced it was Tuesday when I invited some of Amy’s friends to come over after school. Luckily I remembered in time that not only was it Monday and that we had Sc coming to play in the SR room, but I was also seeing clients! I don’t normally do so on Monday evenings which is part of why I forgot. Anyway, there was an incredible amount of glue and glitter on floors and tables, but I got it all in order before heading to work, only feeling slightly foolish for misremembering the day. Tuesday afternoons are our most open and flexible so from now on I will schedule Tuesday things on Tuesdays!

Today is Saturday.