June 30: Camp and Hindsight

Last Sunday in the late afternoon, Amy and I dropped Sarah off for her overnight camp and then went to Amy’ camp for her drop-off. Sarah’s cabin was inside a larger building, air-conditioned, spacious, and had an abundance of storage. At Amy’s camp we had trouble finding her cabin at first because we didn’t know to park on the grass and there were no other cars to demonstrate that we could have. Then she was the last one to arrive in her cabin and it felt so hot and cramped and there was hardly any storage and no room for her trunk except under the bed, but no room to open it unless you hauled it to the middle of the room. I felt like a big oaf bumbling around as everyone watched us unpack. I was worried about how Amy was feeling and I was glad to escape. 

When I was younger I had hard experiences with overnight camp and felt mightily homesick most of the time, so I was worried about how my girls would fare. I was worried that each would feel embarrassed by having their stupid trunk that I bought because I thought it would make camp feel exciting. I was worried I hadn’t given clear enough instructions regarding Sarah and dairy, and probably never quite did. I had said to limit it, but what does that really mean? What I mean is to basically do none but she can have small amounts. If she has too much she can get sick. Anyway, I kept anticipating a call and then trying not to anticipate a call, whether about sickness or something else. So I had big feelings and big worries about basically everything. 

Monday morning Sarah did call with the help of her counselor. Sarah was very homesick and sad. I talked to her for a while and then she seemed to be feeling better enough to go back to camp activities. She told me she would see me Friday. Monday at 4:30 I got a call from an even sadder Sarah and the counselor said I needed to come get her. Her trunk was repacked and I brought her home. Luckily, she was able to switch to being a day camper.

On Tuesday I took her to camp in time for breakfast at 9 and told her I would be back at 4 since I had a meeting to attend until 3. The counselor had hoped I could get there at 2 but I was the one to have scheduled my meeting and I was to lead it, so I felt like it was important to try to make it happen. But, at 2pm I got a call saying I needed to come get Sarah because she was screaming and had thrown her shoes, which is her usual recourse when very upset. I ended the meeting abruptly and was with Sarah by 3. I decided to change the rest of my week so that I could just stay in the parking lot of the camp all day so Sarah would know she could leave at any moment. 

Wednesday I told her I would come to her at 2, but that if she wanted to go earlier she could just ask her counselor to call me and I would be with her in two minutes. We talked about how her upset Tuesday was like Anger from Inside Out getting the headline, “Mom is not here!” and that is why she was so upset, but that she could say easily, “Can you please call my mom? I want to go home now” and wouldn’t have to get upset on Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday because I would be there. Since the camp was at best 35 minutes from home and 45 minutes in rush hour, or more if I wasn’t at home, staying at the camp gave me peace of mind too.

I found a nice coffee shop two minutes from the camp and also spent many hours in my car. Thursday she made it till 5pm and had a great time! They made her a schedule that just said “10am, 11am, 12pm, 1pm, 2pm” and they added on to it as it was going well. She loved crossing off the times and held her schedule to and from camp. With my parking lot time, I finished going through the First Pages of my book, meaning looking at the proposed layout for how it will actually look and noting any mistakes or things to change. I also read a novel from start to finish. 

Friday involved extra driving because the only camp thing for Sarah was a rehearsal for the evening performance, but then an awkward amount of time between that and when we needed to get Amy from her camp. So, 45 minutes to camp for rehearsal, 35 minutes home after rehearsal, 90 minutes at home, then 60 minutes to get Amy, then 30 minutes back to Sarah’s camp! Good thing Sarah enjoys being in the car and I can listen to the B52s Cosmic album forever without minding the repetition. Anyway, Sarah’s camp concert was wonderful and she seemed to have fun doing some of the arm movements and singing some of the songs. She said she would miss camp and wants to go again. 

In hindsight I think we should have started Sarah as a day camper. On the other hand, she did a whole night and most of a day thinking she was an overnight camper and that is amazing. And once she knew she wasn’t stuck there, she had a great time. We can probably sign her up for some weekend retreats, either as a day camper or overnight camper. The only thing I am not sure about is that the website says for the weekend retreats campers need to be able to self-regulate their emotions and behaviors. Clearly we aren’t quite there yet. But maybe they would allow it if I stayed on site in my car. I would be willing to do that as a support until Sarah felt ready to do it without me quite so close. 

One night at home, Sarah and I had the excitement of getting notices on our phones that there was a tornado watch in our area and we were to go to the basement immediately. It wasn’t even raining or windy, so it felt hard to take it seriously, but we did go the basement just in case. 

Meanwhile…. Amy LOVED camp!! She wasn’t homesick at all!! She wished she could have stayed for a second week! She has been teaching us cheers and games that she learned and she can imagine being a counselor when she is old enough. 

Hindsight again… No trunks. Even though the camps had answered my question about trunks saying they would be a good idea, they weren’t. Firstly, the ones I ordered only had a handle on one end. They were wheeled, but when you needed to put them in a car it was difficult and awkward. They didn’t store well at the camps. And Amy’s is already falling apart. Also, I needed to have people write more information on any mail sent to the camps. There is still at least one letter sent to Sarah that she didn’t get. And she didn’t get my care package until Friday even though I know it was delivered to the camp on Wednesday. Also, because the camps said not to mail snacks, I didn’t. And I didn’t send Amy with any snacks to begin with, but it turned out that she was the only one in her cabin without snacks!! Luckily her bestie had enough to share. 

Yesterday we celebrated Carl’s birthday by going to Open Streets, which is when Pittsburgh closes some roads to traffic so people can bike, skate, or walk on the main thoroughfares. Carl and Amy rode 6.66 miles including some serious hills! I walked next to Sarah as she pushed off the ground and balanced while gliding. It didn’t work to do pedaling practice until Carl was back with us to help her. But Sarah and I covered a lot of ground and I was very impressed with her. We finished with getting shaved ice from an iconic stand on the North Side. You can totally imagine the stand being hooked up to a horse 90 years ago when it started. 

We had a great dinner at home with extended family. Amy shared the “Happy Birthday Potato” painting she made for Carl. Then Sarah started chanting a song she created at camp with the line, “Bear in a box.” Amy suggested that Sarah keep going with that while Amy added “Lora is a fox” because Lora was her village at camp and the mascot was a fox. They kept that going in rhythm and then Carl added “I love my socks.” Then Grandpa added, “This song rocks.” Now I knew that the song was growing and it would get to me as the last person to add a line! Oh no! What to add? The next lines added were “Sounds like some knocks” and “I fixed the locks.” I concluded with “Tic go the clocks.” It was so much fun and it was wonderful to build it all around something Sarah could do so well. 

Next, Amy taught us the “Fortunately/Unfortunately” game where you go around the circle of people with each person adding a line to the story, but you have to take turns about whether you are starting you line with “fortunately…” or “unfortunately…” Amy started and a story evolved about cake and various disasters. Sarah was the last person to go and I wasn’t sure if she would catch on or add anything that made sense. She rocked it!! She brought it home with, “unfortunately the fox ate the cake.” We all cracked up and applauded and she was clearly pleased with herself. Carl pointed out how huge her participation was. It meant she was attending to everything as the story built. I love it when she is really part of a group and an activity.

June 23: Playing the Perfect Card

We escaped the brutal heat of Monday by heading to the Jersey shore for a fun day with Carl’s cousin’s family. Amy played hard as she always does at the ocean, getting completely covered in sand and romping for hours in the waves. Sarah mainly watched the waves and chased birds. We spent the rest of the week visiting Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop and Grammy, Granddad, my brother, and my uncle. It was wonderful spending time with everyone and we dealt with the heat with water balloons, sprinklers, and air conditioning. Amy also dressed up as if she could go to the Met Gala, wrapping herself in a pride flag and using my mom’s costume jewelry with a giant stuffed animal lion serving as her purse. On Wednesday we saw Inside Out 2 in a theater. Sarah hasn’t seen a movie in a theater since Frozen 2 came out years ago. Usually she likes to talk a lot during movies so it was a surprise and a testament to her love of Inside Out movies that she was quiet the whole time. If you haven’t yet seen Inside Out and Inside Out 2, I highly recommend them for any age. 

Ever since Inside Out became a family favorite, we sometimes talk about our own emotions as if they are the characters taking over. Carl handled many of Sarah’s upsets beautifully by talking about how Anger really took over. I was glad he had the space to do that because my own Anger and Anxiety were too strong in those moments for me to have any flexible or creative grace towards Sarah. 

At Grammy and Granddad’s Carl got to open an early birthday present of Fritos wrapped in tissue paper, which led to the usual silliness of tissue paper hats because what else are you to do with it?!

Friday the girls and I drove home so we would have plenty to time to get them ready for their sleep-away camps that start this afternoon. Carl stayed in Delaware for a very hot couple of days of rowing races. The amount of laundry I did between Friday night and Saturday night was immense since I wanted to wash everything from our week in Philly so any items could be packed for camp. Luckily the blisteringly hot sun helped everything dry quickly. I helped each girl put everything needed into their trunks, then take everything out of the trunks to label each and every thing now that it was decided-upon and pack it again neatly. We took a midday break to pick up prescriptions, get hiking boots for Amy for camp, and to enjoy water ice at Rita’s. I organized all of Sarah’s pills into individual labeled baggies for her camp. I lost track of how many times I wrote names on things - and that was with Amy helping!

Amy has notably been stepping up to help with unloading the car and she was also immensely helpful yesterday during our outing. After we stopped at a lemonade stand, Sarah announced as I drove that she didn’t have her seatbelt on! Egad! I stopped immediately and said she needed to buckle up before I would move on. This was not long after she had thrown herself on the floor of CVS because she desperately wanted new sunglasses, and I could tell she was ramping up her resistance as I awkwardly sat at a red light praying it wouldn’t turn green until she was buckled. Amy brilliantly said, “remember Sarah, click it or ticket.” That is one of Sarah’s favorite signs on the highway. That reminder worked not only to shift Sarah’s energy to relaxed fun, but also to get her to buckle up. I told Amy I felt like we had been playing a card game where you can stop one player’s intended move by whipping out a certain card in your hand if you  have it. It was as if she had the magic card to whip out just as Sarah played her resistance card. It was masterful, creative, and oh so helpful as I was just heading towards tension.

I hope you aren’t roasting too much in the 95 degree heat we have had in Philly and Pittsburgh. May you have the perfect card up your sleeve at all times.

June 16: Meltdowns and Going “Dewn”

Amy is now a rising 8th grader and already seems taller and more grown-up, but I tend to think that every morning when I first see her. To finish out her 7th grade year, students were required to do a volunteer activity. Hmm. Think about that phrasing. Anyway, the activity could be of their choosing as long as parents took a picture of their kid doing whatever it was and sent it in. I arranged for Amy and her bestie to volunteer by hanging out with my sister-in-law’s one-eyed foster cat. They had a great time and I loved the chance to hang out with Sonia. 

Thursday was Kennywood day for Amy’s school to celebrate the end of the school year. Remarkably, the timing was right for us to be able to get a ride with Sarah’s beloved taxi driver who had been her bus driver for 10th grade. She was delighted and so was he. 

Kennywood (an amusement park) itself went about as I expected. Amy and her friends went around on their own and stayed until the park closed. Sarah was interested in getting ice cream at Millie’s, which has dairy-free options, and riding the carousel. Last year I wasn’t able to climb on a horse because my hip wasn’t flexible or strong enough but this year I did it with no trouble. Sarah and I walked around a bit more but there wasn’t anything else she wanted to do so we ubered home. 

The drive to Philadelphia on Friday was mostly smooth, aside from a totally unexpected Sarah-meltdown in the middle of the rest area parking lot. Carl was on a work zoom so was unavailable to help. I had Amy stand on one side of Sarah while I stood on the other so we would be visible to cars since Sarah had thrown herself onto the pavement in her upset. Eventually I got her to the sidewalk but then she still had some times of throwing her shoes or trying to run away from me. Overall I stayed notably calm and handled it well, but for the rest of the day I felt like I didn’t have my usual reserve for handling things. There weren’t really many other challenges but I still felt like I was moving through things slightly grumpily or sadly and I was missing how grounded and happy I had been for much of the week. 

We came to Philly for a family Bat Mitzvah, and Sarah made it through half of the service yesterday before wanting to go. Given that she had had another huge meltdown in the hotel, once she was happy sitting outside of the synagogue, I didn’t want to push her by suggesting we go inside to be able to hear. I was sorry to miss so much of things, but grateful that Sarah was calm and happy. After lunch, she and Carl napped for over 3 hours! Then we all had fun dancing at the celebration dinner, cutting a rug like starfish, as Sarah would say. 

The other fun part of this trip is the hotel elevator. It announces which direction it is about to go, but it has a bit of an accent when it says “down.” Amy and I kept trying to imitate it, laughing uproariously. What was especially fun was watching Amy’s whole face change with her different attempts. Then I realized I did the same thing. Carl recorded both of us saying it in different ways so we could compare our faces.

June 9: Zooms and the Zoo

This was Sarah’s first full week of summer and she helped me with short errands in the time we had each day before I took a zoom class for three hours. Then she watched her favorite shows, played outside with bubbles, and took naps. The zoom class was about health and healing and was taught by Bears and Samahria Kaufman. They are the people with whom I studied for a summer during college and who taught me to run a Son-Rise Program, known here as Sarah-Rise. It was such a treat to have them co-teaching each class. I find that the Option process that they teach is similar to the Alexander Technique in that it is both incredibly simple and something you can study for your whole life and keep learning new things. Or maybe it’s not new things, but it is that I come back to the original principles as if they are new. Both processes are about noticing what we do and kindly inquiring if that is what we want to be doing, whether with our bodies or our minds. This time around I realized how I spend so much time, energy, and effort trying to control things and people that I actually can’t control, but that I spend relatively little time, energy, and effort on shifting what I can control, which is me and my thoughts. The most notable and easily accessible shift for me pertains to my cat. Every time I feed her dinner and she refuses to have her meds - meds that she sometimes consumes easily - I get frustrated and upset. Or I used to. Now I am remembering that I am actually in control of me. Can I control my cat? Absolutely not. Can I decide to maintain my inner calm even if she doesn’t cooperate? Yes. Yes, I can. And it matters. The next forefront is of course my children. While I can set rules and pararmeters and make requests, ultimately I can’t control them. Sometimes I get upset about this, but I am giving myself more moments to pause and reevaluate the situation and how I really want to be. Usually the reason I get unhappy about them not doing what I want is that I think if they do what I want then we can all be happy, gosh darn it! I’m trying to avoid them being unhappy in the future because I’m scared of the upset. If I can remind myself that I am safe and all is well even if they don’t do what I want and even if they get upset, then I can stay more relaxed and maybe even come up with new ways to ask them for what I want.

Historically, when I go for the gold of being calm and happy more often, then I leap to wanting it all the time, ignoring how I actually feel or judging myself for any feelings that aren’t happy and calm, which leads to massive tension and unhappiness. Cue the Alexander Technique. I understand that trying to hold onto an easy neck is the fastest way to a stiff neck, so now I remind myself that trying to hold onto happiness can be the fastest way to misery. My free neck or free happiness can only come from noticing what I am actually thinking, feeling, or doing, giving room and acceptance to whatever reality that is, and then seeing if there is a shift I would like to make in how I am approaching the situation.

One evening there was a family day at Carl’s work that Sarah and I attended. She liked sitting in the small firetruck, eating Millie’s ice cream, and jumping down the giant cushioned steps. There were so many kids jumping down the steps it seemed like a kid waterfall. Amy didn’t attend because she had her afterschool Attack Theater class and she didn’t want to miss making props for the characters they had been creating. 

Carl and I enjoyed a dinner date on Wednesday at Bourbon and Bridges. We ate in our own tiny private clear glass castle. It may have been made of plastic, but either way it seemed magical.

Friday was an open day with no zoom class so Sarah and I went to the zoo. It was lovely to be there with no goal except to be with Sarah and go at her pace. She really wanted to find a postcard to mail to her bus driver. We searched many of the gift shops to no avail, but she did find a mood bracelet with an elephant which she purchased with her own money. She likes to pretend that it is a tiger watch, acknowledging that it has no watch hands. She loved getting lunch at one of the restaurants and she spent many minutes watching kids go down slides. She went down the slide a couple of times, but she mainly loved watching all of the action.

Sarah did mail a card to her bus driver on Thursday during our morning time together. I picked a mailbox that would be a bit of a walk for us and she ran most of the way, practicing for the Run Around the Square that happens in August. I’m impressed with her endurance lately whether she is walking, running, or swimming. Friday after Amy came home we drove to the mailbox, since we had already done a ton of walking, and Sarah mailed a second letter to her driver. Then we visited with someone who used to babysit the girls from the time Amy was an infant. This person now has a baby of her own. How did my own kids become such grown-ups??

Yesterday we celebrated an early Father's Day for Carl because we will be busy with other things during the actual Father's Day. Carl played guitar and then attended a beer festival with grown-up family members while the girls and I stayed home. Then we all went to the opening of a park by a riverfront. The girls enjoyed the big slides that look like legs of a giant metal person. It has probably been ten years since we last went to that particular playground and the kids have grown just a wee bit. It was a long wait for food and Amy wilted a bit, but cannolis and noodles helped, as did jumping on a mesh net stretched over water. After sitting on giant blue chairs, we made our way back to the car and drove to a different venue for a concert by The Beautiful Mistakes. Sarah loved dancing and “cutting a rug like a starfish." Amy struggled with the noise. I haven’t fully appreciated her sensitivity to loudness, but it is something for me to consider more thoughtfully in the future so I can come prepared with ear protectors. We finished the day with milkshakes at the Milkshake Factory, which has three dairy-free options that are Sarah-friendly. 

Lots of love to all of you. May you have kind space to notice any patterns that aren’t serving your sweet self the way you think they are.

June 2: A 25 Year Reunion

Although this cannot possibly be true, apparently Carl and I graduated from college 25 years ago. We just wrapped up a wonderful reunion weekend, traipsing all around Swarthmore’s gorgeous and ever-changing campus, belting out “I Will Survive” with our classmates in our favorite party room, staying in one of our old dorms, dancing to “Like a Prayer,” visiting my sixth grade teacher for whom I babysat when I was a college student, and generally taking many steps down memory lane. We also climbed to the top of the bell tower, which was not something accessible to students in our college years. I’m not sure why I decided to go up, given my fear of heights. But somehow I thought it would be good to do, and I have survived climbing similar things in the past. When I got back down I gratefully flopped onto the grass, and I will not need to climb it for any future reunion. 

This was our first reunion without kids since we became parents. Sarah and Amy had a fun Grandma and Grandpa weekend that included a trip to the history center. Amy enjoyed her evenings doing art with our cat on her lap, and Sarah spent some time calling us to share how much she misses her bus driver, which is her frequent feeling when not riding to or from school. 

Friday was Sarah’s last day as a sophomore. To commemorate their year of rides together, her beloved bus driver got her a custom-made hat to echo the hat he always wears and that she likes to talk about. Now we have our fingers mightily crossed that we get the same driver next year. Part of that will depend on the renewal of the contract between the pittsburgh public school system and Z-trip, the taxi company that provided Sarah’s bus service this past year. 

Since Monday was a holiday we went to the zoo with some friends. Amy and her bestie did drawings of several animals, and Sarah held the zoo map while pretending to be a tour guide. That day also included lots of walking, but once we got to the aquarium, Sarah sat watching the fish for many minutes. We also watched the penguins hopping in and out of the water. Amy and her friend were observing the gorillas when a large male gorilla charged the glass window, much to their startlement. When Sarah saw a metal jaguar statue, she promptly hopped on its back and sang “row row row your jaguar gently down the zoo.”

May you all have gentle jaguar rides and good memories of your past moments.