June 26: Consternated Pandas and Lessons Learned on the Gateway Clipper

Last Sunday we had a wonderful Father’s day that also contained a fraught moment in which we learned important lessons. We started our day with breakfast at a new cafe in walking distance from our house and then we went downtown for a ride on the Gateway Clipper, followed by lunch outside near a fountain, a ride up the Monongahela Incline, ice cream, and naps for Sarah and Carl at home.  The plan for ice cream was hatched by Amy and Sarah, secretly conferring near the fountain before telling us their intentions. Then they danced around while holding hands and then each had a ride on the Dad motorcycle (Carl’s lap with his arms as handle bars) before we moved toward the incline. It had been Sarah’s idea to go on the Gateway Clipper, a large boat that moves slowly on the river while a tour guide talks about various interesting Pittsburgh things. When Carl and I got married we had our reception on the Gateway Clipper. Despite it being Sarah’s idea, as soon as we boarded, she started asking when it would be done and when we could go home. I felt annoyed and confused at what seemed like a sudden reversal in her desire to be there. Amy was annoyed too. Our annoyance compounded what we later understood was Sarah’s anxiety about the situation. Unfortunately, she went into a complete meltdown, with lots of intense high pitched screaming for a few minutes. Then it took at least half an hour or 45 minutes before she regained her equilibrium, during which time she sat on my lap or Carl’s lap at a quiet indoor table, watching a Killer’s music video with streaming lyrics on my phone. She did feel better and emerged on deck for the last ten minutes of the boat ride. What we learned was that if she ever starts asking when a thing can be over before it has begun, we need to translate her words to: I’m scared, I’m nervous. We need to help her feel safe and calm and supported. 

The kids had half a week of Camp Anna, but unfortunately then Amy was sick and then extra unfortunately our sitter got whatever bug Amy had, so the camp week was truncated. They did have fun at the start of the week with using Sarah’s small sewing machine, making a large cardboard castle type thing sized for a cat, and making Meow Mix for snacks. Reptile day with a trip to the zoo will have to be rescheduled. 

Friday night we made Minion pizzas from a Hello Fresh kit. That, of course, meant watching part of Despicable Me 2. There are many movies that Sarah doesn’t watch in entirety, getting bored or overloaded after she is done eating. But she did watch this movie, viewed over the course of two nights, and we all enjoyed the silly antics of the Minions.

Perhaps as a way of processing the various disappointments of Kennywood from a week ago, Sarah likes to ask us how the panda is feeling about the changes to Thomas Town and the lack of the sand area. She is referring either to the panda picture that used to be on Amy’s wall by her bed (before Amy tired of Sarah’s interest and thus moved the panda to the wall behind her bookcase, where Sarah has yet to see it) or to the panda picture on a friend’s shirt. As with many things, Sarah has very specific desires about how she wants us to answer and she corrects us if we stray. She wants the dialogue to be thus:

S: Mom (or Dad), how is the panda feeling about Thomas town?

M: the panda? I think the panda is feeling sad.

S: how is the panda feeling about the sand area?

M: the panda? I think sad and disappointed.

S: how is the panda feeling about the smoothies?

M: the panda? The panda is feeling sad about the smoothies

While we have some leeway to be creative about a word that could be paired with sad (so I’ve been getting ambitious and saying things like: frustrated, shocked, dismayed, woebegone, and consternated) we must always start our response with “the panda?” Yesterday the girls and I had a snuggly time together as a mom sandwich (one kid on either side of me) and made faces as we pretended to be sad pandas.

Yesterday Sarah wanted to do “chirp chirp” which is her way of asking to snuggle with me in my bed while we talk about crocodiles, reptiles, and pandas, perhaps having a conversation like the one above, often ending with a nap. While I’m fine with doing this often throughout the week, multiple times per day, on the weekends I often don’t want to do it. I’m not sure why. But I feel annoyed and I want to do other things. I was also frustrated that Sarah wanted to wear her flannel pajamas on such a warm day and worried about her penchant for napping so often as possibly indicative of a problem other than teenagerhood. I was trying to not take out my feelings on Sarah, so let them leek out of my eyes. She noticed I was sad and asked why. I explained some of it. Then she wanted to rest. I stayed put but with my eyes open, feeling a bit more open after getting some of my sad out. After a minute she emited a theatrical fake snore, which she doesn’t normally do in our chirp-chirp sessions. I cracked up and our energy shifted. I went to fix lunch and she listened to music, not napping after all. 

Carl was away for most of last week on a business trip and will be away this coming week for another business trip. Last week he was in New Orleans and ate some alligator bites (both kids said, “eeew!”) and found people dressed as crocodiles as one only finds in New Orleans. We did enjoy the pictures.

Lots of love to you all. As always, I would love to know how you are doing too!

June 19: Music Camp and Kennywood and No Carousels for Me

Amy is officially a rising sixth grader! How did that happen? I swear that I was just a little first grader on the bench outside my classroom looking at the sixth graders at my school and thinking it would be impossible for me to ever become one. Not only did I actually become a sixth grader, now my youngest child is such! What?!

Sarah and a friend of hers had a fun week of music camp with Anna at our house this past week. They made Music Camp shirts, played do-re-me hopscotch, with each square corresponding to a sound on the scale and colored to match our multicolored xylophone. They clapped out rhythms to their names and other words, making picture cards to match. When it was Sarah’s turn to clap out her name she of course clapped out “croc-o-dile.” They made electric guitars out of cardboard, rubber bands, and contact microphones. They sang karaoke with the microphones Sarah and Amy got at Christmas. They made CD covers for their band’s first album. The name of the group is Reptile. They went to the library to watch buses and read books about crocodiles and reptiles. And they played with bubbles and the sprinkler in our backyard. A wonderful time was had by all.

My hip recovery continues to go well. I have gone on much longer walks than I have since well before my surgery. Sometimes I have to stop and rest, but if I am talking with someone while I’m walking then I have an easier time. I had my first session with a trainer at a gym and I think it was a bit too intense. Not for my legs, but for my arms. I need to clarify again for this trainer that I’m not looking to be super buff. I do want to be strong and capable, but I don’t want to be sore after each session to the point of having my normal life be difficult. I’m meeting with a different trainer this week too and this one is trained in kinesiology so may have more thoughts from the rehab side of things. I have learned that there are some fitness machines that I can’t get into because my right leg doesn’t yet bend that close to my body. 

I have also learned that I can’t climb onto a carousel horse (yet). Since Friday was Amy’s last day of fifth grade, her school went to Kennywood to celebrate. That is a local amusement park and the last time we went was maybe three years ago (pre-pandemic). Our first stop was the carousel and it was quickly apparent that there was no way for me to mount up. I felt surprisingly sad about that. Next we went to Kiddieland, and Sarah and Amy went on the very small roller coaster, which is still too much of a roller coaster for me. Carl was going to go on it with them, but they wanted the adventure to be kids-only. When Sarah was done with the roller coaster she was immediately pushing to be done and go home. Thus started a series of my suggesting things that used to be there three years ago that she loved and that are no longer there. I went to get a smoothie for her from the place right next to the small coaster. Nope. No smoothies there anymore. We went to find the sandy area that used to be in Kiddieland. Nope. Just cement now. I took her in search of ice cream but we ended up first getting chicken fingers and fries in an air conditioned cafeteria of sorts. Sitting in the AC and listening to the Killers on my phone while ingesting some protein seemed to help immensely. As luck would have it, when we left we quickly discovered a Millie’s ice cream stand. Millie’s is one of our favorite local ice cream stores. After we got a treat and met up with Amy and one of her friends (while Carl was in line for over an hour with another friend’s dad to ride a roller coaster), Sarah and I went in search of the indoor play area at Thomas Town…NOT there!! We stayed in the gift shop and AC to process our disappointment and wait for Carl. Then we arranged for Carl and Amy to get a ride home later with one of her friends so Sarah and I could go home. We had a nice quiet time at home with snuggles, dinner, and Caillou. Amy and Carl had a great time staying until closing and ending their time with the carousel and a funnel cake. 

You may recall that last weekend was a Dad Weekend. That Sunday they made a crocodile head piece out of cardboard and tape. It is as large as the one from the Peter Pan Jr Musical that started Sarah’s love of crocodiles. Sarah loves wearing it and also carrying it while pretending to bring it in the gym to show the Lost Kids. Right now it is still brown cardboard but there are plans to make it green. When they got home from their weekend, Mom-Mom had sent a stuffed animal for each. Amy was thrilled to receive a rainbow-furred uni-kitty. Sarah was delighted by her crocodile stuffed animal that has a zippered mouth in which ride three baby crocodiles. That really is how crocodiles carry their young.

Yesterday Amy had a birthday party to attend and I had tea with some of my Bookless Club friends (we no longer read together and we hardly ever meet, but we still love to get together when it works), so Carl took Sarah to a Juneteenth celebration, complete with food trucks and a bouncy house. When everyone was home, Carl and Sarah resuscitated our sandbox that hasn’t seen the light of day for a year or more except through the disintegrating wood cover and bugs burrowing to make homes. The girls then made upside down sand cakes that we purchased for three leaves a piece. We finished the day with watching Toy Story 2, although as soon as Sarah was done eating dinner she went to the family room to listen to music rather than watching the movie, which is par of the course when we watch movies.

June 12: Baby Crocodile, Clothing, and a Dad Weekend

We now have a rising eight grader in the house! Baby Crocodile had her last day of school on Tuesday, with dismissal at 10 am. Basically the last day is just going in for Mass and goodbyes. I had a few work things for the rest of the week, and Carl worked from home to make that possible. Sarah spent much of her time with babysitter Caillou and babysitter Daniel Tiger (aka tv shows), which was what we had hoped since Carl had lots of meetings to attend. Overall this went smoothly, but Sarah did miss me some of the time and another time got into the nail polish with some messy results that required intervention and nail polish remover.

Swim lessons on Monday were full of crocodiles. Sarah’s enthusiasm for crocodiles is contagious. She has no problem correcting anyone and everyone, from her dentist to her swim teacher, to make sure they call her Baby Crocodile instead of Sarah. They all seem to delight in doing so. When we arrived at swimming, her teacher called out, “Hi, Baby Crocodile!” Then another kid in Sarah’s class wanted to be a baby crocodile too. The swim teacher has now adjusted her instructions to Sarah to be all about crocodile things. At one point she asked Sarah, “Baby Crocodile, what is your favorite food?” Sarah replied, “crocodile food.”  Then during playtime at the end of the lesson, the teacher pretended to be a crocodile chasing and chomping after the kids, much to their delight. 

On Friday morning Sarah went with me to Target. The original mission did not involve crocodiles but when she asked for clothing with such animals I said we could look. As often happens, the girls’ section offers no help. Thank goodness for the boys’ section. There we found pink swim shorts with crocodiles eating ice cream and pizza. We also found a polo shirt that is covered with lizards or crocodiles, so of course we see crocodiles. My only wish is that Target would some day get rid of having boy and girl sections and simply have kid clothing. It would also really help if they made the sizing consistent. For girls’ clothes the sizes are 7/8, 10/12, and 14/16. Meanwhile, the boys’ sizes are numbered more like  8/10, 12/14. This makes it hard to know what size Sarah needs, whereas if they had consistent sizing I wouldn’t need to make her go to the changing room. Not that going to the changing room was a hardship (although it has been in the past), but why? Why must Target do things this way? Also, why are girls’ shorts so short?! I know it’s not just Target opting for short shorts, but still. They are the recipient of my rant today.

Friday evening I had a staff meeting to attend for the massage school and then yesterday and today I’m taking a class that is 9-6 each day. So, Carl decided to take the kids to the mountain house for a Dad weekend. It began with Carl taking Sarah to the Aurora Family day Friday afternoon for an hour. Aurora is where Carl works on automating trucks. When they arrived Sarah went into hostess mode, gesturing (with her arm out and palm up) to the food trucks and automated trucks saying, “We have funnel cakes, meatballs, and robot trucks.” Sarah loved sitting in the truck, painting part of a rainbow picture, eating meatballs, and flavoring her snow cone with a little bit of syrup from each of the ten options.

The Dad weekend continued yesterday with sleeping in to an hour rarely seen! (8:30?) It was truly remarkable that Sarah slept past her normal 5:30 inner rooster. Later in the day they went bowling - and the alley even had crocodile supports for little kids who need to start with the ball up high. Sarah didn’t use it, but still! Crocodiles! After much standing in line they enjoyed a giant trampoline, then had treats from a bakery, and finished the day with pizza and a movie. Meanwhile, I’m having a wonderful time learning new things, seeing former students, and having quiet time at home. 

For a few afternoons earlier in the week, Sarah and I walked out to an intersection nearby where we could watch for buses and crocodiles. It is about a five minute walk and there is a bus shelter with a bench so it’s a perfect resting place for me. So far we have seen many buses but the only crocodiles have been on Sarah’s clothing or Baby Crocodile herself. Yesterday when I got home from class I decided to go for a walk. In my head I was anticipating going on a longer walk. In actuality, I made it to the bus shelter and gratefully rested and then went home. It all felt much harder on my own than when I am strolling along with my favorite crocodile. But in case I haven’t mentioned it earlier, I am no longer using a cane at all.

Grammy sent Amy the dress that Grammy’s mom was married in, many years ago. Remarkably, it fits Amy perfectly in terms of length and girth. It has about 5000 buttons up the back so I didn’t actually button it, but I could tell it would be an exact fit. Amy loves it and thinks it is the prettiest dress she’s ever seen.

I hope you are all well. May you be as assured as our Baby Crocodile in asking for what you want.

June 5: Screaming, Hair, Crocodiles, and Umbrellas Oh My

Sarah has been having more times of missing me than she normally does. This has been notable for the last couple of weeks. It seems to be getting a bit better, in that she isn’t sad right away when I leave anymore, as she was a couple of times. But if something is stressful for her, such as when Amy tried to help her brush her hair and put it in a ponytail but Amy hit a snarl in Sarah’s hair and that hurt and so then they were both upset… well then Sarah was missing me a lot. This may be partly because I am the one who usually does her hair.  

Speaking of her hair, if anyone knows of any good YouTube videos that show someone teaching hair washing in a fun way, that would be great. (I haven’t looked much on YouTube, but the first video I found was crappy and not useful.) Sarah used to scream bloody murder when we would try washing her hair and it used to be a struggle to get her to shower. Blessedly, those things are in the past. She showers independently and “washes” her hair on her own, preferring that I don’t offer any suggestions or guidance. This means the top of her head and the ends of her hair get clean, but the middle section kind of doesn’t. Or if she does get shampoo there then she doesn’t rinse it out fully and then I’m brushing through old, dry bits of shampoo. I keep reminding myself that if this is how it is for her whole life it actually is still fine and clean enough. But… I wish Blippi had a hair washing episode. Or Caillou, except Caillou doesn’t have any hair so that’s not going to happen. 

As I continue working on my book, it takes me back to when Sarah used to scream much more often than she does now. Knock on wood, it is relatively rare these days. Except earlier this week when the kids had half an hour before bed and decided to play together. What a lovely idea! But, as so often happens, Amy had a plan and Sarah wasn’t into that plan. Amy wanted one of the American Girl dolls to be their pretend sibling and be in a wheelchair. She asked Sarah if she wanted it to be one of her (Sarah’s) dolls. Sarah said no, so Amy got one of her own. At that point Sarah felt that to be intolerable and she wanted the toy wheelchair right that very moment!! So then both of them were fighting and yelling, which then turned into Sarah screaming loudly. I somehow felt glued to the sofa, as if I couldn’t get up to intervene in any way, especially as they moved upstairs with their fight. Luckily Carl stepped in and then had them each go to their rooms. At that point I was able to help and spent time with each kid listening to their feelings and perspective, while Carl attempted to finish his work day. But ugh. It was weird to feel so immobilized regarding the screaming. I just couldn’t deal with it. And it served as a reminder of how things used to be many times a week. 

Sarah painted her fingernails and toenails completely independently and did a remarkably good job, especially when she used her non-dominant hand, and especially because she often has a slight tremor in both hands. I didn’t watch her because it was when I was working, but Carl told me about how she did it all by herself from start to finish. 

Sometimes things break. In this case, Sarah’s beloved crocodile ring broke. I’m not sure why, except maybe because it is adjustable and maybe all of the times I squeezed it to make it fit more tightly just took their toll. I ordered a new one but didn’t tell her. Maybe I am slowly learning the lesson that if she wants something I can tell her I’ll look into it or work on it but I shouldn’t tell her that I’ve ordered it. If I do that then she will be impatient beyond belief, yelling, crying, and asking about it all the time. The new ring arrived and my fingers are crossed that this one lasts longer than the last, which only survived for about a month. Meanwhile, Amy’s history with umbrella’s is remarkable in how short a lifespan her umbrellas have. Sarah still has her very first umbrella (a frog) and a new musical note umbrella. Amy is on umbrella number??? Beats me. I got one for her as a Christmas present. It had cats all over it and was just a crappy product from moment one. Recently we found a company that will print a picture of your pet on an umbrella. So she picked a picture and I placed the order. We waited weeks. The umbrella arrived and seemed like a well-made item. After one day of using it, she left it on the porch to dry and I realized it was broken in two places. I asked what happened. Apparently during a play date, she “only threw it twice.” Sigh. In this case she will need to earn the money for me to order another one. 

I can see that I really have a journey ahead of me to be more relaxed about time, especially as it pertains to Amy (and Carl - but we’ve been working on our different relationships with time for the past 25 years!). Part way through the week I told her that I would stop giving her reminders in the morning and stop nudging about time because it seemed to make us both annoyed with each other. But that meant she had to take over responsibility. She pointed to her new cat watch, indicating that she was ready and could do this. And yet, the best of intentions can easily fall apart when things are interesting and distracting. I didn’t remind or nudge, but I’m sure she still felt my discomfort. I want to feel easier about all of this so it doesn’t become a mountain between us and so I feel better more often rather than feeling tense or mad. 

Every Wednesday Anna comes to do an hour of Sarah Mouse Anna Mouse School House tutoring play with Sarah and then stays to play for two hours with Sarah and Amy. Sarah loves the crocodile math they do. This week Anna wore clothes that Sarah has too. They greeted each other while each wearing their musical note shirts made by Carl’s mom. Then Sarah changed the rest of her clothes to match Anna, donning Anna’s old shorts and yellow Gymkhana t-shirt that Anna gave to Sarah months ago. Sarah also changed into her Elephant and Piggie socks, which she used to wear all the time and also gave as a gift to Anna. So they were dressed the same from top to toe and then pretended to be twin crocodiles chomping. Amy enjoyed how Anna and Sarah were clothing twins, but she still resists any moment of wearing the same thing as Sarah herself, even though she likes coordinating with her school friends so they wear the same uniform pieces on a given day.

Speaking of crocodiles, as we always are in this house, Sarah now likes to play with words that rhyme with “while.” So she might say, “Mama, you said ‘after a while’ not ‘after a style’ when I got off the bus.” We then exchange various rhyming words like aisle, bile, dial, file, guile, isle, Kyle, Lyle, mile, Nile, pile, rile, style, tile, and vile (or vial). 

Grandma came over yesterday for a few hours and Sarah enjoyed reading out loud to her from Little Fox Goes to the End of the World. You may recall that this book features crocodiles. Grandma was a wonderfully engaged listener, reacting dynamically to the appearance of bears, one-eyed cats, and crocodiles. Sarah clearly enjoyed her animated audience. I enjoyed quietly reading on the couch while this happened.