April 24: Easter, Teaching, and Peter Pan Jr

Last Sunday the kids had an Easter egg and jelly bean hunt upon our arrival home after our time in Florida. Amy then made color-coded hunts for the rest of us to complete throughout the week. There is still a bright pink plastic egg hiding in Sarah’s bright pink shoe, waiting for her to notice it. We also had two real bunnies in our yard, taking shelter from the rain and snow of the week.

I tried driving my car and that didn’t feel good for my hip, which was discouraging. Luckily, my in-laws didn’t need their van this week so I was able to drive that since the angle for my hip is more comfortable. It was definitely liberating to be able to go places on my own. I took Sarah to one of her dress-rehearsals and took myself to teach my first class since surgery. It was an Alexander Technique class focused on breathing. I was so glad it wasn’t the class that I designated to be about walking! The class went well but was definitely pushing my edge. I thought it would be easier on me than it was to stand and work with people for a short time. I could even take tiny baby steps (without a cane) to shift my angle, but after working with a few people I realized my right toes were feeling tingly and I needed to take a break. I also helped a couple of people with how they worked while giving a massage. It was definitely challenging and I couldn’t work the way I’m used to working. Being able to teach and having it be easy are two different things! This week I begin teaching regularly again so I will just aim to have as much rest time around that as possible.

I had my one-month post-surgery appointments with my PCP and my surgeon. All seems to be healing well and the x-rays looked good. I start PT on Tuesday. I will say this whole process has been more emotionally challenging than I imagined, though in retrospect that makes sense. It is hard to have things be hard and to still need help and to be slow at moving. I feel overwhelmed often as I try to add in small pieces of normal life. Also, since I had a cold I’m not permitted to get injections in my head for my headaches until more time has passed. I am now on the fence about the injections. The headaches are awful and my sleep has not been great, but I’ve had several times where I was able to have a good cry that I didn’t know I needed or take big relaxing yawns while listening to Wyndham Hill’s Autumn Portrait (or watching the dvd) and that has cleared a headache in short order. At other times I was less successful. But I’d like to give myself a bit more time to maybe resolve things on my own, so perhaps it is ok that my doctor wants me to wait.

Sarah had an intense week of dress-rehearsals for Peter Pan, Jr. She had energy and happily managed her whole week with grace and poise. Friday night’s performance was wonderful. And… as I had either feared or intuited via premonition, she got sick yesterday and was not able to attend her final performance. She didn’t have any individual lines so this didn’t impact the show, but it was too bad because she loved being a part of it. Her whole participation and performance felt like a culmination of all of our collective Sarah-Rise time, effort, and ambition. She performed in a show! She sang songs and did coordinated movements with a whole group of people. She did all that she needed to do and never distracted or interrupted things in any way. The only hiccup sometimes was needing to exit the stage more speedily. Overall, what a phenomenal achievement, including so much time just patiently waiting for when it was her time to participate. I simply could not be more impressed or proud of her. One of the best moments was during dress rehearsal on Thursday after a scene in which she helped bring a pillow to Wendy when the Lost Kids built a house around Wendy. Sarah exited while holding her hands above her head to indicate a house. That was so perfectly Sarah-ish and perfectly timed with the moment in the play. 

Amy had a zoom yesterday and snuggled next to our cat for most of it, with Olivia’s head on her shoulder. That went well and Amy even regrouped well after having huge feelings of upset when she learned that Sarah was sick and couldn’t attend the show. We had originally planned that Anna would come to hang out with Amy that night since they watched the show Friday night. So Amy had big plans and was very upset that they couldn’t happen. She rallied though and Carl became his overly-confident and underly-capable character Joey for participating in the Fairy Olympics that Amy had designed. I’m pretty sure Amy won.

Sarah spent most of yesterday sleeping and she is sleeping now. Any healing energy you can send her way is most welcome.

April 17: A week in Florida

We are coming home to a chilly Pittsburgh after a wonderful warm week in St. Petersburg, FL. We bought the tickets and made our reservations before knowing that I would need hip surgery. Luckily I had enough recovery time so my doctor said it would be ok to fly. We arranged to have a wheelchair in the airport. Sarah even pushed me for a few feet. While I can walk with a cane, the amount of walking needed in an airport is, well, staggering. I was grateful for the wheelchair and the priority boarding for those who move slowly. 

When at home I was aware of how much more capable and stable I was. Being in a new place with sand pointed out how incapable and unstable I still am. I knew I couldn’t be immersed in water but I somehow thought I could still get my feet wet. Nope. I didn’t feel at all stable enough even with support to get close to the ocean water or to lower myself to the pool edge. 

Our daily routine was something like this… wake up, have breakfast, maybe nap, kids watch their shows, swimsuits and sunblock and packing a wagon that came with the rental with beach gear. Take the elevator down to the parking lot and walk several feet to the beach. Really, our place was right on the beach and the strip of sand was narrow so I could still have a front row view of the water even though I only walked maybe 10 feet in the sand, holding Carl’s hand for support (along with my cane). Carl would stabilize the beach chair while I lowered myself into it. Amy did a ton of time floating on the boogie board and swimming. Sarah played in the sand and sometimes got her toes wet or chased birds. 

Next Carl would drive us two minutes down the road and let the kids and me out at a restaurant. Then he would go park at our rental and walk ten minutes along the beach to meet us. Then he walked back, got the car, and drove to pick us up for more beach time. Then into the car for ice cream at our favorite place called Ice & Cream. Then back for time at the pool. I stayed in the pool area while Carl packed up the beach gear into the wagon, then he took over with the kids at the pool and I went up to our rental condo unit. I could be eyeballs and a voice in terms of parenting lifeguard duty, but I couldn’t really be a functional adult. There were no seats by the pool and though we could have set one up, there was no shade and it was quite hot. So it wasn’t comfortable for me to hang out for long there. I slowly went up to our rental and rested on the sofa while reading. Then we had dinner at our place and watched Pets United or short sections of the Paddington movie. Then bed. 

On our final day we even got to see Carl’s cousin and extended family who all happened to be vacationing near us! 

Sarah’s favorite themes of the week were to talk about Mr_____ and his watch that she liked to look at and touch while waiting for her turn to go onstage. Apparently this teacher also brought a crocodile puppet to the Peter Pan Jr rehearsal, so Sarah was all about crocodiles. She wanted me to guess what Mr ____ brought to rehearsal so I started guessing other animals first. Amy started helping me expand my animal repertoire so keep things interesting, always coming back to crocodiles after one or four other animals. Carl bought a boogie board with a crocodile on it that we intended to leave at the rental but realized we needed to bring home because Sarah loves it so much. Luckily it fit (just) in our suitcase. 

Sarah also continues her love of Turning Red and pretending to be the giant red panda. Last week she liked pretending to get upset and poof into the panda. This week she likes to be the panda calming herself and being zen. 

To add to the challenges of the week, Carl basically had to pull an all-nighter for work right before we left and then it was a long day of travel. So he was grateful for naps. Unfortunately the kids had mild colds before we left and then Carl got a cold and then I did too. My cluster headaches have also started again. Still mild for now but I probably need to go get injections into my head. I knew this was quite likely because triggers for a cluster include prolonged stress, messed up sleep, and taking Tylenol more than three times in a week, all of which happened in spades with my surgery. Still, it felt quite unfair to have my hip still healing and headaches and a cold. That said, we did have a great time. Our rental was the best scenario possible given my status because I didn’t have to navigate in the sand much at all and could mostly be a part of things. Carl took care of everything for all of us when needed. 

And I arranged for some helper Easter bunnies to get things ready so the kids can have an egg hunt when we get home. 

April 10: Canes, Capability, and Sometimes Overdoing it

Last Sunday evening Sarah was rapidly oscillating between telling us all of her ailments and happily running around pretending to be the big red panda from Turning Red. We tried to ascertain if there was anything she was stressed about regarding Monday, but we weren’t able to get any information that felt current. She did go to school on Monday and handled her extra long days with rehearsals beautifully. On Monday rehearsal went long and then some parents talked with the teacher afterwards, meaning Sarah got home in time to hand me her backpack and get in Anna’s car to go to her swim lesson! 

Mr. _____ came to a rehearsal one day and clearly it made a big impression on Sarah. She talks about him often and wants to pretend to be him as he conducts. Her version of this is to wave at us and say, “All right! Listen up, Lost Kids!” That’s as far as it goes. Last night she sent me texts of “Sarah” and “Dad.” I wrote back, “Yes, Mr. ____?” She thought that was hilarious. She also likes to re-enact a scene from Turning Red between the mom and the kid, so the rest of us are often pretending to poof into big red pandas. Luckily these two routines give us some respite from Sarah wanting to talk about the no-longer-used nickel chart. 

We have learned that we need to give Sarah Claritin even if nothing presents outwardly regarding her seasonal allergies. She used to get itchy eyes and a runny nose. Now it all just invisibly goes down her throat and gives her a cough and too much phlegm. Her doctor said that is common and it does seem that daily Claritin has helped. 

Amy had a good week and is now on spring break. Sarah’s spring break starts later this week. Carl had a super intense busy week so it has been helpful that I’m more capable of helping around the house. My recovery continues but not always in a linear fashion. It seems that as I get stronger then it is easy to overdo it without knowing I’m overdoing it until it is too late. Then I pay for it with an extra-achy night and needing to rest a lot the next day. Some nights had so much achiness and pain that I thought something was wrong, and yet once I was up and moving around for a couple of gentle hours then I felt back to my normal level of slight stiffness and discomfort. There are times that I feel quite disheartened and sad and other times I feel hopeful and can see how I will eventually be on the other side of all of this. I hardly ever need to use my walker anymore, which is great because I have calluses on my hands from using it so much. There were some advantages to it though because if I just use the cane then I have to make many more trips in the kitchen since I don’t have my walker basket in which to pile many things. I have taken a couple teeny tiny baby steps without any support, but I can tell I’m not really ready for that yet. I tried sitting in my car and driving forward a few inches and then back. That was enough to tell me I am not quite ready to drive. Mainly it is not comfortable to sit in the seat. Sitting with my hips at right angles is often a bit uncomfortable. Or it if is comfortable then the discomfort comes when I stand up, and I need to just stand for a few moments before I’m able to walk. There is usually a moment in every day when I reach my limit and don’t want to walk anymore for anything. Luckily this usually coincides with Carl being available to finish whatever needs to be done.

I have read many books. I have ventured outside to sit on our porch swing for short bits of time when it was warm enough (and not hailing as it did yesterday!) I also got a new dishtowel about wearing a crown made of the femurs of one’s vanquished enemies. I love the concept and yet it really makes no sense. Femurs are way too big and heavy. Or would this be a crown made just of the parts removed during hip replacements? I still think that would be too heavy, but crowns aren’t known for being light. 

Our cat is often super helpful, positioning herself on the stairs and rolling around so I can’t get past. She has always done this but when I was fully functional I would just take a huge step to get over her. Now I need someone else to find a toy to throw so she will move. 

Last night Amy decided to dress up like me. She put on the paper tiara she made for me before my surgery. Then she wore one of my t-shirts and put her hair up in one of my hair clips. She donned my fuzzy blue bathrobe that I often wear on top of my clothes to be warm, grabbed one of my stuffed animals from my bookshelf, and held my cane. It was hilarious and she was cracking herself up too. Note that she couldn’t wear my ubiquitous orangish sweatpants that are seen in almost all pictures of me lately. I bought them just for this recovery time and thank goodness I did. It is not comfortable to have anything pressing against my leg, so wide-leg sweatpants it is!

Sending you all lots of love for whatever part of your journeys you are navigating.

April 3: Huge Baby Steps and an Indoor Beach

My independence is slowly but steadily growing. The biggest achievements of the week include taking a few teeny tiny baby steps using only a cane for support, getting outside and onto my front porch swing all by myself, and carrying a plate for a short distance while using only one hand on my walker! It is fascinating to me how these things can simultaneously be such huge achievements and show how low the bar is. I have realized what a powerhouse I was prior to surgery and I cannot quite contemplate how I will ever get back to the sheer magnitude of things I did in a day. I can sort of see that I will get back to being able to manage all of the home and kid stuff I did before. I’m back to making the kids’ school lunches every day and helping with breakfast preparations. I can sort of see that I will be back to teaching by the end of the month out of necessity (unless I really can’t), but just for Alexander Technique teaching or massage with vastly altered body mechanics. What I can’t see is how I will be able to get to my office with a huge bag of sheets and give a massage. Baby steps. I know. A week ago I couldn’t have imagined using a cane or carrying a plate. So I trust that I will get there, but it is ever humbling to be where I am now.

Sarah is in her school’s musical Peter Pan, Jr, for which the performances are April 22 and 23. She is a Lost Kid in the ensemble. While I may cringe when I hear the prayer recited school-wide at dismissal because it is all about how sinful and awful we are, I have to say that her school has always been wonderfully inclusive and loving. I love that Sarah and any other kid who needs extra help are welcomed to be in the musical and their main support teacher stays for all of the rehearsals. Sarah's rehearsal schedule is getting ever more intense. Last week she had rehearsal Tuesday-Friday for an hour after dismissal. Tomorrow her rehearsal will be twice as long. She will come home in time to get ready for her swim lesson. She has rehearsal every day this week and in theory I will be able to drive on Thursday and Friday to pick her up. I will do a short test drive Thursday morning so if that doesn’t work for me there is time to request assistance. Thank goodness for Grandpa being in town for such things and many other moments of help and support this past week. Also thank goodness for Anna helping with piano lessons and swim lessons and some dinners. Thank goodness for the mom of one of Sarah’s classmates who has been bringing Sarah home after so many rehearsals and will continue for most of this coming week. 

Amy’s week was good, but sometimes she has feelings in the evening because her days are so full that she doesn’t get much free time. And yet, whenever we discuss dropping any of her usual things then she doesn’t want to. I can definitely relate to that as I often have felt similarly with my own life and schedule choices. 

The weather has been predictably ridiculously March-ish. The day I went onto my porch it was 70 degrees and I was in a t-shirt. The next day it snowed. We are at our mountain house for the weekend and while the snow falls outside, the kids decided to play at the beach inside. Sarah had been looking at old photos and wanting a sandbox. Amy had the idea to bring out a sand-colored blanket and put it on the floor as a small beach sandbox. Carl brought up our bag of beach toys. The kids used puzzle-box lids to scoop pretend sand and build pretend castles. Then Amy spread out a gray blanket to be water and fashioned a snorkel mask for herself out of a cloth headband and a pencil. Later in the day they used pool noodles as reins as they rode sofa-arm horses. For another imaginative game, Amy sorted us all into Harry Potter houses. She used a witch hat to determine which house was appropriate for each beanie boo, doll, and actual person. Sarah and I were deemed a fit for Hufflepuff while  Carl and Amy were sorted into Ravenclaw. I love how anything can be anything with enough imagination. While our family might have been this way anyway, I feel like we also came to it because of our Sarah-Rise time where the premiss for the room was that of course any scenario could be achieved with a few props and some imagination.