December 27: Sincere Dears, Swimming Magic, and Some Christmas Dreams Come True

We are at our rental house and have had wonderful days playing at the beach that is one block away or in the heated pool that goes with the house. We even went in the pool on the days with a high of 54 degrees! Our first day at the new house was a bit stressful for me because there are lots of nice things that would be easy to break. There is one bedroom that has family heirloom lamps. No one is using that room. I also had battles with the stove because it is electric and has no markings to indicate what level of heat you have selected or where the knob is actually pointing. I had quite a battle trying to make grilled cheese, eventually succeeding after 20 minutes and with Carl’s help. So our meals are not fancy or complex at all! Last night Carl ordered pizza and opted for the 24” without quite realizing what that would mean. It was the biggest pizza we have ever seen! The slices were too big for the plates. It was also delicious. We will now have pizza for many meals. 

Christmas morning was the usual chaos with many wonderful gifts and some dreams come true. Amy was thrilled to receive a new witch hat custom made by Grandma. The only time Amy isn’t wearing her new hat is when she is at the beach or in the pool. She has also been diving into learning to draw cartoon characters from a book Carl gave her. Sarah had been wanting musical note bedsheets, a sundress, and pajamas for ages. I made all of those dreams come true. Except… the pajama pants didn’t come with a matching shirt. For a short but intense time Sarah had big feelings about this and so did I. I was frustrated that no matter how I try to meet her dreams there is always the next unattainable thing right around the next minute. Carl did find musical note pajamas that have a shirt and pants and they will arrive at our house shortly after we do. In the meantime, Sarah has settled into enjoying her other musical note things, carrying her pillow downstairs when she isn’t in her bedroom and making a fort from the sheets.

Sarah is doing an amazing job swimming for dive rings in the pool. This is a huge new skill for her. Amy is her usual mermaid self, the first in and the last out of the water. She becomes a sea witch and uses magic to transform into different sea creatures and to do tricks on her pool noodle brooms. Sometimes there are competitions with the grown-ups, but the only times Carl and I win are swimming races when it is the length of our bodies that gives us the advantage. Unless it is the butterfly stroke, in which case Amy still beats us. I hadn’t ever tried to do the butterfly before and I wonder who on earth came up with it and why anyone thinks it makes sense. It is hard! And it feels awkward! Amy makes it look easy.

I have had many cluster headaches. Sometimes they resolve in short order and sometimes they linger all night and I can barely sleep. I have to choose when to use the nasal spray because I don’t have enough to cover all of the headaches. Carl is a huge help, rubbing my back and neck so I can relax enough to sleep or at least not be in agony. Christmas eve night I slept soundly with no headache, but promptly got one as soon as I was upright. I did use a zomig spray then. While most of this experience on our vacation is wonderful, the headaches do cast a shadow and make some moments more of a struggle. Luckily I am mostly fine during the daytime, but then I get scared to go to bed because I know what is most likely waiting for me. 

Sarah loves to have a midday nap with me so that helps me get sleep to make up for the bad nights. At one point when Sarah asked to do “my dear my dear” snuggle time (which often now means nap time), I said she was a sincere dear. She latched onto “sincere” and now likes to pretend to be a swim teacher or swim student named Sincere. She also likes to spell it. We trade saying “you’re sincere, my dear my dear.”

I hope you are all well, with peaceful nights and stoves that make sense.

December 20: Snow, Cluster Headaches, and more Mama Mouse School House

We had another good week of Mama Mouse School House. When Sarah and I did our snuggle time sometimes we talked about muscles and bones. She mostly knows biceps, triceps, deltoid, and scapula. When she brought up the chain on my necklace and how she wants to sleep on a chain that holds a sign for a pizza shop in Squirrel Hill, I connected chains to chain mail. Chain mail connected to Granddad and how he made his own chain mail when I was little. I helped him make it when I was maybe 4 or 5 by holding a yellow plastic bowl filled with the loose links ready to be formed into the chainmail. I’m sure you can see what an important role that was. Anyway, Granddad sent pictures of the chain mail. That history lesson spanned maybe 5 minutes if I’m lucky, but it still felt like a good effort. Sarah and I also learned a bit more about praying mantises, such as how carnivorous they are and that sometimes they are yellow or pink.

We got a wonderful and beautiful amount of snow mid-week. Sarah completely independently got herself suited up and went out to shovel the walk and brush snow off the car! After all the snow had fallen those tasks were ultimately for me and it was quite a workout. We got 10 inches of heavy snow. Sarah doesn’t always want to spend time outside but when there is snow she is quite the little polar bear. She walked around the block many times to get to and from school. She especially delighted in climbing the mountains of snow where people had piled their shovelfuls. Amy flew to and from school on her broom, as is her custom. She also oversaw final exams at Magic Academy. I led the potions exam and helped them make a heartwarming potion that might remind you of minty hot chocolate but really was made of shark blood, pixie dust, kitten whiskers, frog eggs, and a claw from a blast-ended skrewt, a la Harry Potter.  

I made Norwegian Christmas bread from a recipe that my mom and I have tried for years. It came from a magazine long ago and it tastes delicious, though it never bakes well. It burns on the bottom and is gooey in the middle. This time I thought more about how I make normal whole wheat bread and realized I could change many things for the Christmas bread. I’m wavering between just wanting to try one of the many alternate recipes online and wanting to wage war on the original recipe until I get it right. Either way, I’m enjoying my 4 burned soggy loaves of dense bread with dried and candied fruit. Toasted and with margarine, it is a treat.

Sarah and Amy had a Christmas party on Facetime during their weekly SR time with Sc. This time I got to overhear most of their time together and I was in awe of Sc for how she coached Sarah in “by step by step” (as Sarah calls it) drawing. I think that is where Sarah gets her love of that process and Sc is masterful with describing how to do each step and having Sarah say “check!” after each step. I believe they drew sad mice in profile wearing musical note clothing and crying musical notes. 

The most difficult part of the past few weeks has been the return of my cluster headaches, breaking through my levels of medication that are supposed to keep them at bay. The last time this happened it took two rounds of prednisone to get things under control. Today is my last day on my second round of prednisone and I can tell the headaches are waiting in the wings. I have 9 doses of a nasal spray I can use if I get super bad headaches and when we get home I will hopefully be able to try a new medication that involves giving myself 3 consecutive injections once a month. Why oh why couldn’t they put all of the meds in one injection?!!!!!! For migraine sufferers who take the same thing, it is one large injection. But for cluster sufferers it is 3 in a row. !!!!!!!!!! I do not like needles. I do not want to give myself shots. I am not happy about this at all but I also need something because it is really untenable to get cluster headaches all the time. Aside from the return of the headaches, all is really well and wonderful. 

Now we are in a rental RV wending our way to a rental house in Florida. Grandpa, masked and safely distanced, helped us get out to the RV rental place with all of our stuff and then got our picture before we hit the road. This way we can have a change of scene for Christmas but also not see anyone. Yesterday was awesome and wonderful in many ways, but it was also fraught with tensions and meltdowns. In hindsight there are many things we could have done differently that would have made things easier, but so it goes with hindsight. When we were loaded in the RV and ready to go, Sarah had a huge upset mainly about how the seatbelt was too tight. The seatbelt that had enough leeway to go around many different sizes of person. The seatbelt she hadn’t even tried yet. Eventually the storm passed and we set out on our way. Our timing estimates were vastly different from reality given that we are now in a beast of a vehicle that has trouble making it up to the speed limit on a hill. We also stopped more often that usual for bathroom breaks and snacks. I am forever indebted to Carl for dealing with many things, most especially emptying the sewage tube this morning! He has also done all of the driving. As we say often, we are a good team. I did a ton of planning and preparation for our travel supplies and now he gets to deal with the stressful bits of how to manage the RV. Our cat is at home in good hands, along with the 12 ripe avocados that I meant to bring! Aside from that, I think I remembered everything.

Lots of love to all of you. May your seatbelts fit and your bread bake well.

December 13: Mama Mouse School House

Sarah’s newest snuggle-time favorite is for us to trade saying, “you are my dear, my dear.” It is very sweet. I have tried building more rhymes, such as “water is clear dear,” but that hasn’t taken off like the things that rhyme with “four.” She also says that the snuggling is giving her more forks (mental health energy). I have realized that often when she asks to do “my dear, my dear” it is best if I can accommodate even if just for 5 minutes. It doesn’t have to be a long break time, but she does request such times after doing a chunk of work or live meetings.

This week we had Mama Mouse School House as we did not have Anna here. Anna has created such a wonderful framework for Sarah’s school days that Sarah was open to my presence in a way that was vastly different from our time in March. I think she would happily spend all day doing step-by-step drawings of mice and musical notes, cutting out the musical notes, and taping them to her mice drawings. She made art for Carl, Amy, and herself and delivered it under doors and to our front porch. It is simultaneously amazing and humdrum that she can spend so much time attending to something I am doing and copying it. Her cutting, writing, and reading skills knock my socks off. She did a little math each day with a game Anna created called Mathematical Emergency. Sarah rolls large wooden dice, then Sarah writes the numbers as an equation in a notebook and uses a colorful step number line and a magnetic Paper-Sarah-Wearing-Musical-Notes figure to move up the number line and solve the equation. Then she writes the answer in her notebook. Anna created the materials and the game. Anna also works on writing and reading by using a white board to write sentences based on what Sarah has just been talking about. Sarah reads the sentences which are thus both new and familiar. For writing, Anna writes sentences in a notebook in pen with a dark line underneath on which Sarah can copy the text. I used both of these ideas, adapting them to help Sarah learn something about praying mantises. Whenever I would mention Science or History and suggest that I could read from a kids’ book and she could listen, Sarah would adamantly refuse with much screaming. But… if I surreptitiously read some of the text for myself and wrote out what I learned on the white board and in Sarah’s writing notebook then Sarah happily read and wrote about science. I feel sneaky and clever. Also, a baby praying mantis is very tiny. Sarah loves talking about how tiny she was as a baby and how the nurses called her “Peanut.” So it is easy to connect new information to a beloved topic.

Sarah helped me make my bed and hers with clean sheets, working on getting the fitted corner around the mattress corner. She also gets cereal for herself completely independently. She did 5 minutes of gym/PE daily including plank, push-ups, running in place or around the room, and jumping jacks. She read Goodnight Moon out loud many times. She practiced piano without (much) pushback. She did her live times without needing assistance from me, thus freeing me to check on Amy or do work in the kitchen. She did let me read (out loud) half of a book about Ben Franklin and remembered from earlier times with Anna that Ben Franklin invented the lightning rod. We had a good time together overall and it felt amicable and easy, especially once I learned not to mention words like Science or History. Each afternoon Amy led us in a Magic Class. We had Potions, Transfiguration, and Care of Magical Creatures. After the latter class, Amy rewarded the stuffed cats with toasted mice from our Mousetrap game.

Amy tried the Barracuda pre-swim-team class and HATED it. She felt new and awkward and like she wasn’t as good as the other kids. From my vantage point I had no idea she was struggling until I saw her face at the end. She was absolutely as strong a swimmer as the rest, if not stronger than some. She absolutely kept up with all that was going on. However, given that is was 1/2 hour drive each way and the class is at 7pm, I’m totally in support of her not joining this class and just continuing as a Shark 2 once her usual class resumes when covid-restrictions loosen again. I also don’t want to force her to do anything she hates. I feel like there is a profound lesson here somehow about how many of us can be struggling in various ways and thinking we aren’t up to snuff when we are doing splendidly to the view of observers. At the same time, if something feels too hard and not fun, it is actually ok to stop and not force it. There’s no formula that I know of for when to push through and when to stop, but I know I have certainly had moments of each throughout my life and was glad for each choice I made in whatever direction. 

Yesterday Sarah and Amy decorated a gingerbread house that I had made over the course of a couple of days. The walls are so large that it needs two days of assembly and drying to be sturdy enough for decoration. I assisted Sarah in making musical notes out of nonpareils and candy canes. Amy made a face on her side of the roof. When we were done Amy had a great time acting out all of the emotions from Inside Out. Later in the afternoon we had a family zoom reunion with my step-mother’s side of the family and we all delighted in watching a slide-show of family members and seeing each other’s faces in live time. Sarah’s favorite part was racing wind-up reindeer that had been mailed to each household ahead of time. After the zoom, Sarah and Carl made a toy Goodnight Moon house from Legos. The roof opens and Sarah keeps putting a foot inside because she wants to be in the house. We finished the day with a snuggly evening of pizza and "The Muppet’s Christmas Carol.”

May you feel supported in all that you do, whether in stopping or persevering, or finding new paths to your goals.

December 6: An Abundance of Wonderful Moments

This week is full of wonderful moments. Our Christmas tree is up and decorated as of Monday. Sarah, true to form, wore shorts when we went to get it. The decorating goes faster each year and the ornaments are more evenly spread at all height levels. 

We learned that Amy is ready to join the Barracuda (pre)swim team if she wants. I have made inquiries and we will give it a try. It is still part of the British Swim School just at a different pool from where she has been taking lessons. 

Sarah had us cracking up on multiple occasions. When I was with her one night for her bedtime routine she was playing at saying she was down in the dumps. Then she pointed at her floor and said, “That is the dumps.” One day at lunch she wanted her clothes to squeak as she walked, the way some pants make noise. She was wearing pajama shorts though, so she scampered off and gleefully returned wearing her snowpants and exaggerating her walk to make the sound more notable. She was so pleased and we were so surprised that we were practically in tears laughing. Meanwhile, Sarah finds it hilarious to talk about wearing (or not wearing) clogs in the snow. Anna has clogs and Sarah wanted some so together they made paper clogs for both of them. 

Sarah loves to sing the line from “Hickory Dickory Dock” about “the clock struck four, he ran out the door!” As the days go by we continue to elaborate on all of the things the mouse does that rhyme with “four.” 

Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock struck four, he ran out the door, and polished the floor, and came back for more, and asked for a tour, and went to the store, and threw out the core, and said a prayer to Thor, and wrote to Al Gore, and tried not to be a bore, and tried not to snore, and had water to pour, and told tales of yore, and packed for the shore!

Amy has started wearing her hedgehog nightgown again. She used to love hers and thought it would be ok if Sarah had one too, but when Sarah did start wearing one then Amy began hating her own because it didn’t seem special. I refused to give it away. Not only did Amy wear her nightgown this week, she even encouraged Sarah to wear hers at the same time. 

Sarah started reading one of Amy’s easy chapter books! Of her own volition. Amy is letting Sarah borrow the book, Dr. Kitty Cat and Peanut the Mouse, and Sarah has been reading aloud to Anna and answering questions about the content of her reading!!! This is amazing. 

Amy likes to watch “Descendants” about the offspring of evil fairy tale characters. Sarah and Amy often sing duets of one of the songs, looking joyfully at each other as they belt out the lines about the wicked world and being rotten to the core. If we play the actual song then they each bust out their dance moves. 

Overall I feel like Sarah is quite noticeably more connected in conversations. One thing that helps is when I remember to count to 15 before repeating my question or assuming she isn’t going to respond. Often it is after the point when I think she isn’t going to say anything that she speaks. 

I have learned to rephrase things when Sarah has to wait for Anna to arrive. In general she is having an easier time with this, in part because she continues to observe the science class taught by her homeroom teacher. When that is over or when Anna has a later start time then I have stopped saying, “let’s do…. while you wait.” I think the word “wait” triggers her impatience. So I have reframed it as having special Mom-Sarah time or Dad-Sarah time. I think it helps.

Speaking of waiting for things, Sarah is soooooo eager for Christmas. She has x-ed out all of the days on the calendar hoping that will make Christmas be NOW. Sometimes I can feel annoyed as she asks for the hundreth time if it is Christmas yet. Yesterday I started asking her, playful-impatiently and she sweetly told me “no” not yet and then I could also tickle and tease her when she started asking again. We had many good snuggle times about waiting for Christmas mixed in with our usual repetitions about being mice snuggled together in the house and singing hickory dickory dock. She also likes to say she’s as tiny as a pea or as tiny as a pussywillow catkin. One evening Amy created a contest over who could say the tinier thing. Carl and I would whisper our answers in her ear and she would be the judge. Sometimes Carl judged between Amy and me. The tiniest thing overall might have been the speck of glitter. Sarah only sometimes likes to add items to her list of what she compares to tinywise. You know you really got a good one if she repeats it, but sometimes she doesn’t repeat it until days later, as with “tiny as the tip of your nose.”

May you have special-time instead of waiting-time for anything you are eagerly anticipating. If you think of anything more that rhymes with four, let me know! Who knows? a goal you might score!