June 28: Camp A and Absolute Amazingness

Last week was simply amazing as the girls attended Camp A in our house and yard. Our sitter A. is super duper amazingly awesome. They ran a camp for the week with different themes and activities. Some of the projects from the week included coloring Camp A bandanas, collecting flowers and other natural items to make prints with paint on blank wrap skirts made by A., scooter trips to the playground, baking bread from scratch, making rainbow cookies to celebrate Pride month, having a lemonade stand to raise money for a good cause, and creating a circus performance that included gymnastics, juggling, hula hooping, and a dice game that helps Sarah practice math. 

During facetime with Sc, the girls directed Sc to draw various pictures. Sc, like A, is an artist, so she can just create amazing things as if it is no big deal. She dropped the drawings off the next day. There are princesses, mice, cats, dogs, plaid, plaid, plaid, and umbrellas made from separate paper glued on top of the original paper so they seem more real. 

During her call with G, Sarah initiated a tour of the patterns she could find in our house. Then she requested that G give her a plaid tour and he discovered some plaid pajamas, one pair of which will make its way here. It is wonderful how these facetime sessions can be so effective and can continue to evolve.

As has happened so often through the years, I am in awe of the people we have as part of our life. They are just so jaw-droppingly amazing as they go through the world being themselves. What an incredible gift to have them as members of our family.

Amy has created an alter-ego named Kayla who comes to babysit Sarah sometimes. They go to “the park” in our family room and ride on see-saws of our folded gymnastics mats. The mats aren’t tilted in anyway so the see-sawing is all imaginative and somehow results in both girls falling off repeatedly.

Sarah borrowed a floral, sparkly shirt from A (thus large for Sarah) and donned her musical note scarf while also wearing some of Carl’s old plaid boxers as pajama bottoms. As Carl said, this was such a common look for her that we neglected to take a picture. And yet. It was such an awesome look and it had me thinking she looked like The Dude from The Big Lebowski. 

Olivia’s birthday was yesterday and Carl’s birthday is tomorrow so this is a birthday weekend. Yesterday Carl and the girls created a cardboard palace for Olivia to explore. Olivia and our Sarah and Amy cats all enjoyed it.

Carl went running with both girls yesterday and they were joined by someone’s cat! The cat ran along next to Sarah for a notable amount of time and when it left Sarah thanked it for running with her.

Sarah has started showering more often, easily, of her own volition! This possibly started after a difficult moment regarding her showering when she was resisting. But then yesterday and today she has said, out of the blue, “ok, I will take my shower now.” We still need to help her shampoo and scrub more thoroughly but she currently doesn’t like any coaching or even just talking about it completely separate from the event. Still, this seems like a huge win. Maybe eventually all strands of her hair will actually get clean.

Yesterday I was despairing somewhat because I felt like I had forgotten my newest revelations and that Sarah and I weren’t connecting as well as we had been. Then something in me shifted and I could see that sometimes it just means reaching out for an extra moment of snuggling or playing. Or deciding we can have a fresh start. It is ok if we aren’t always perfectly nice mice together. It doesn’t negate the good moments. 

June 21: Neck trouble and homage to Pigs Make Me Sneeze

It is hard for me to remember anything from the week, anything beyond my tweaking my neck in some way while I slept last Sunday night. I’ve been in varying degrees of stiff, painful lack-of-easy-movement since then. I’ve tried Alexander Technique, massage, heat, advil, stretching, not stretching, moving, not moving, praying, pretending there was nothing wrong, being very careful not to aggravate anything, and I’m still a mess. I haven’t had this much pain and trouble moving in many years. I will receive two massages this week from people who really know their stuff, so I’m tentatively hopeful. This is not how I wanted to spend my week. 

Sarah’s newest favorite variant of our snuggle time is to quote from Mo Willems’ Pigs Make Me Sneeze at the part where Gerald thinks he cannot have anything to do with his best friend Piggie. She says, “But Gerald,” and he says, “no, do not speak, it is too late.” According to Sarah he then blows his nose. So she wants me to repeatedly pretend to blow my nose on her clothes, arms, hands, and the bed sheet. I make a little “hmm” noise to be my pretend blowing. 

Both girls have been scootering well lately, including scootering to the playground with Carl. The playground is now open! So that is an exciting change.  Sarah scootered with Carl to a local outdoors store to get him a tie for Father’s Day. Somehow she also scored plaid pajama pants for me and for her as our Father’s Day presents. Meanwhile, this morning Amy got dressed up and put fancy dresses on all of her dolls so they were all ready to commemorate the day.  She also made breakfast by toasting frozen waffles.

Amy has been braiding my hair lately and I love it. I had been debating cutting my hair short again now that my hairdresser is working again, but I will keep it long for now so that Amy can keep styling it for me.

On Tuesday the girls made chocolate bark and covered animal crackers and apples, sprinkled with Nerds, marshmallows, graham crackers, and coconut shreds. This was all with their sitter A in preparation for their Facetime party with Sc later in the day. We dropped off a care package of treats for Sc so she was ready. 

Starting tomorrow the girls will be attending Camp A., named for our sitter. Camp will be each day this week and will take place at our house. 

I’m writing from what feels like a new desk. Carl put blocks of wood under my desk to make it a tiny bit higher so my thighs don’t touch the desk when I sit. This is lovely and I am stunned that we never thought of doing this earlier.

I hope you are all well and that your necks are moving freely.

June 14: Nice Mice Rolling Dice in a Trice as their only Vice

Hello there!

Sarah’s love of “mice mice mice” snuggles and play has evolved. I enjoy coming up with sentences in which most of the words rhyme with mice. Now Sarah likes to pull the bedsheet over her head to pretend to be mice in a trice rolling dice and eating rice. I repeatedly explain that “in a trice” means doing something quickly rather than being something you can physically be in, but that doesn’t change her sheet “trice.” We also like to talk about nice mice rolling dice; it is their only vice. They are eating rice or ice, sometimes twice. It will suffice. It is amazing how many words rhyme with mice!

In addition to wanting to be “Kiddo,” Sarah now loves it when I say “Hello there!” Both are inspired by the cartoon Caillou. Sarah loves snuggling and saying “hello there” or “hi there” or “hey there” to each other. She requests time with me by asking to do Hello There. Her face lights up, suffused with so much joy you couldn’t squeeze any more joy into her. Sometimes Amy snuggles with us too and then I am the one filled to the brim with joy. There’s nothing better than feeling so loved.

Sarah’s room doesn’t have an official desk, but recently it seemed like Sarah wanted one because she kept going into Amy’s room and sitting at the desk. As a temporary measure I moved a small folding table and a stool into Sarah’s room. She promptly sat down to write as if she was doing school work. At some point we will get her a real desk.

Sarah’s physical abilities seem to be getting stronger across the board. She is swinging higher than she ever has. Carl and Amy have been playing soccer almost every night after dinner and one night Sarah joined them, blocking and kicking with more skill than previously demonstrated. Yesterday we went to a beach in the Laurel Highlands and Sarah asked to play with the frisbee. Carl gave her a few reminders on how to throw and catch it. She and I tossed it back and forth many times and our skill levels are well matched. 

Amy has been swinging on our tree swing, which has a single rope and a flat plastic disc on which to sit. She swings on our regular swing set daily as her ride on the bus to get to and from school. She also cartwheels so often that yesterday she dubbed herself Amy Why-walk-when-you-can-Cartwheel.

I’ve started working in my office, seeing only one client per day if I see anyone. It is easier than I expected to wear a mask the whole time. Sarah continues to miss me when I’m away unless she is with her sitter A or on Facetime with Sc, in which case, “mom who?” It’s not as if we are always together at home, but she likes knowing that I’m around. 

I continue to think about the anti-racist changes that need to be made across the board. I often feel overwhelmed because the changes needed are so massive. What I know from my Hello There snuggle sessions is that sometimes pouring love and time into one area has ripples to other areas that may be unexpected. So maybe if all of us pour our love and energy into the changes that we can see in front of us, into the calls that we can make, then there will be ripples overall.  If we let ourselves be overwhelmed into inaction then that isn’t so useful. Individually, we don’t have to solve everything but collectively we can make some positive changes in a trice.

June 7: Working to change the prevalence of white supremacy and loving each other imperfectly more than cheese

If you have not already read White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo, I highly recommend it. It is one of the clearest explanations of how the system of racism and white supremacy (not the extreme version, but just the way things are) is ingrained in our lives so firmly that it can go unnoticed by those who benefit from it (namely, whites). You never think you have an accent because it is what you are used to hearing. White privilege so permeates everything of life in the US that it is the accent that whites don’t hear. I think finally more and more people are waking up to the accent and I sincerely hope that we are on the cusp of sweeping change. While I thought I knew a lot and understood a lot of what was horrible, I really had no idea. I am ever more horrified the more I learn. The accent that I now hear is how I am able, if I choose, to stop paying attention. I do not want to stop paying attention. 

I do not know how to continue to share Sarah-Rise updates as usual. This isn’t a usual time and so it feels disrespectful to share anything not related to racism and fighting it. Yet, I also know it is important to balance the heartbreak with heartmend, the pain with joy. So, with the utmost fervent hope that our country is on the verge of disrupting the status quo hugely, here are the things from this week in my little microcosm where I strive imperfectly, yet successfully, for greater love and connection.

Sarah and I continue to have many “mice mice mice” snuggle sessions where we sing about loving each other more than cheese. She calls us Love Mice and says that we are together in the house. She loves it when I pretend to be a sad mouse and cry on her in such a way that it tickles a bit. The light in her eyes is bright and joyful as she describes being a sad mouse with limp whiskers, a dragging tail, droopy ears, and fur that has lost its shine. We have played rounds of Mouse Match, a memory game involving mice, tunnels, and plastic cheese. We also somehow got into singing “Jenny Jenkins” with adapted lyrics. Instead of singing about Jenny Jenkins we sing of Sarah Kiddo. “Will you wear stripes oh my dear oh my dear, will you wear stripes Sarah Kiddo? No I won’t wear stripes ‘cause they give me the gripes, I’ll buy me a fauldy rauldy tildy tauldy seek a double roll, Sarah Kiddo roll.” We also have verses asking if she will wear dots, plaid, or paisley. Sarah always wants to sing by herself and now the answer to any question is “yes!” of course she will wear whatever pattern is described. After all, plaid makes her glad.

With the Mr. Greg Reads sessions, he always has a piece of striped fabric behind him as he reads. That is, until recently. Careful observers may now notice the absence of the fabric. He has generously let Sarah borrow it. When he dropped the fabric off on Wednesday, Sarah excitedly scooted inside to enjoy it. After many minutes she emerged to say “thank you” all of her own volition. It was heartwarming. 

Sarah has been more self-sufficient in general. Every morning she gets the Claritin from the medicine cabinet and brings it to Carl to remove the tablets. She then returns the remainder to the box. She has been asking me if she can help when I am cleaning so she helped vacuum and helped put away some laundry. Not that this hasn’t happened before, but it still feels noteworthy. She has even attempted to change the sheets on her bed by herself. 

Now that Pittsburgh has gone green in terms of Covid-19, I will be working again starting tomorrow, with many new precautions in place. Thursday night I went to my office to clear out clutter so it will be easier to clean fully between clients. Sarah really didn’t want me to go. While I was gone she was missing me a lot. Carl got out the book with the lyrics to “I love you more than cheese” and played the actual song for Sarah. Instead of helping her feel better, it seemed to trigger her missing me even more. He said she got extra sad and sat listening to the music and looking at the book with tears streaming down her face. She decided to make a Welcome Home sign for me and did so all by herself. When I got home she ran to me and gave me a huge hug. She gives me vitamin K (vitamin Kiddo). This bigger loving connection between us seems to last even when we still have moments of being really mad at each other and yelling. That is what I meant by how I’m imperfectly striving. I think it is important for everyone to know that you don’t have to be perfect to get amazing results.

Last night we went backyard camping. Amy loaded the “trunk” of our pretend car, creating a pile behind our swings. Then I sat on a bucket while the girls sat on their swings and we “drove” to the campground. Amazingly, we found a lovely flat site that was right next to the playground and the bathroom. We roasted hot dogs and had s’mores for dessert. The American Girl dolls went camping with us too, although they had their own tent. 

Lots of love to all of you. Remember you don’t have to do things perfectly to make a positive difference.