February 25

Just as I thought I was daily making progress into health I made a U-turn and got a sinus infection. That kicked up the bronchitis cough again. So this week has felt hard. I had to cancel work Wednesday-Friday. After lots and lots of rest I am finally back to being almost fully better. I also got honest-to-goodness cluster headaches on Tuesday and Thursday nights. I feel so cramped and broken in my body from all of the sickness and coughing. Having an increase in stress and a change in sleep are common triggers for clusters. Frankly, I’m impressed that I didn’t get a real headache until this week and it wasn’t even an I-want-to-bash-my-head-on-the-sink headache. Maybe that is a testament to the progress I had made. 

On Tuesday afternoon I took Sarah to vision therapy and this time I had Amy too. Amy and I played in the waiting area. I coughed some but I didn’t think it was that bad or that loud. Apparently I was wrong. Someone else in the shared general space spoke to the vision therapist about me and requested that I leave because of my coughing. I felt terrible about this. When I went to the car with Amy to wait for the remainder of the session I just sat there crying. Between Tuesday and Wednesday I cried harder and longer than I have in a long time, the sort of deep crying where you think you might break in half and that the sadness will never stop. And yet it does. I think I had built up a lot of feelings during this past month, during times when I was so sick that I couldn’t cry because it would have hurt or triggered intense coughing. So the storms did clear and as usual I felt much better afterward.

Friday I had a Jenny-Rise session where I noticed yet another part of my tension pattern regarding my right shoulder and how/when I pull it down unnecessarily. In my wakeful moments Friday night I was able to check in with my right shoulder and let go of that tension repeatedly. Sometimes within a cluster I get headache-free nights so last night might have been one anyway (I also started my meds again) but I think my good night may also have been because of my new learning. 

In general, we have been having difficulty with Sarah’s bus being reliable. Tuesday morning the driver apparently just didn’t show up for work. So they called in a replacement driver and called some parents, just not me. When I called to ask how late it would be when it was already 5 minutes late, I was told it would be another 45 minutes. Not that this was the best response, but I yelled at the person at the bus company. The biggest issue I have is the lack of communication. The lateness is bad enough but if I was told right away then I would make different choices and take Sarah right away so she would be on time. I told the company that I was taking her so she didn’t need a pickup in the morning. Later that morning the van still showed up at our house. So the communication isn’t going well either between the company and the driver. What was striking though was that the van was 2 1/2 hours late!!!! I spoke with the public school transportation person and he listened to me very well and then also contacted the school and the bus company. Sarah’s route was made a priority for this week. Wednesday morning it was earlier than usual but we were ready because it came when I always think it should come to have a prayer of being on time to the school. Thursday it was late and I didn’t trust the estimate of when it would arrive so I took her to school myself. Friday it was 10 minutes late, late beyond when it usually comes which is already at a time when I don’t think it is possible to get to school on time. It was also late leaving school on Friday afternoon. I am keeping track of times and will do so for another week before I call the public school person again with my data. If this week was when the route was a priority I am not impressed.

Sarah’s teacher got her some khaki pants at a uniform exchange and they are Sarah’s new favorite pair of pants. Favorite to the point of wanting to wear them on the weekend and screaming when I dare say that they need to be washed. 

Amy wrote a letter to Sarah which just fills my heart entirely. It says, “Dir Sarah I hav ban mising you and I hop you ar having a gat day love, Amy.” (“Dear Sarah, I have been missing you and I hope you are having a great day. Love, Amy.”)

I hav ban missing all of you. I hop you are having a gat day.

February 18

I am almost fully well!!!!! I had forgotten what that felt like. I am amazed at how long it takes to become fully well after being very sick. Each day I have more energy and I cough less. And yet I still need naps to get through the day and I am still ready to go to bed at 8pm. The girls are also well. Carl is still sick, but getting better. It has been so long since our whole family was healthy at the same time.

Months ago I purchased tickets for all of us to see a Pete the Cat performance. Apparently it already happened. I am shocked that I didn’t put it in my calendar. That is very unlike me. I am just going to tell myself that one or all of us was probably sick whenever it happened and we wouldn’t have been able to go anyway. 

In past years at this time I was often stressing about what school decision to make for Sarah’s next year. It is such a relief that this year I do not need to figure out any changes for either girl. I am thrilled with the school situations for both. I do get to figure out camps for the summer and how to hopefully teach the girls to swim (myself or through lessons). I am attempting to trust that this will all fall into place easily.

Yesterday Sarah’s teacher called me from school and then let Sarah talk to me. I love love love that Sarah wanted to talk to me. I love love love that her teacher supported her in such a way. 

When all of us were sick we missed SR time, vision therapy, and OT. This week we are back in the groove with all of them and Sarah is getting Anat Baniel Method lessons this weekend. When I was sick so many things felt impossible. It is a relief that now things such as dishes or getting the kids to and from school or appointments seem almost trivial instead of mountainously difficult.

There was a moment a few weeks ago that I forgot to write about. The girls were asleep. Carl and I were reading in our bedroom with the door closed and the light on. Luckily we also had turned on our bedside lamps. Sarah sleepily opened the door, looked at us, turned out the overhead light, and went back to her room. It felt really hilarious in the moment, especially since she didn’t say a word.

Much love to all of you. I hope you are all well.

February 12

It was another week of sickness. We did make it to Sarah’s birthday party and that went well but I was wiped out afterward and had a couple more very hard days. Sarah had a swollen cheek which the doctor thinks was from biting it accidentally while eating, as we all have done at one time or another, and then re-biting it accidentally while it was swollen and then it got infected. So she is on antibiotics for the third time in the last couple of months and I’m feeling rather discouraged about her internal system being set-back quite a bit from whatever progress we had made. It takes a long time of being on probiotics to make up for one round of antibiotics. The antibiotics have already notably gotten her regular digestive rhythm a bit out of whack. Anyway, we were all home a lot and I rested a lot and let the girls have unlimited screen time. I can’t remember another time in my life when I have been so sick for so long. It has felt brutal and I feel physically, mentally, and emotionally worn out. I am slowly on the mend though and am able to be up and about and functioning in my life a bit. I even was able to go to DC Saturday-Sunday to hang out with friends in my bookless-meetless group. We used to be part of a book group and then it stopped working for us to read books in a coordinated fashion and then it stopped working for us to meet regularly at all and people now live all over. Every once in a while we all meet in DC and even though I was at low ebb it was still wonderful to be part of it.

Truth be told, as soon as I walked in the door from my trip and hugged Carl I burst into big sobs. I felt so overwhelmed by the idea of re-entering life and needing to do even the smallest things to prepare the girls for school tomorrow. I just wanted to crawl into bed. After several minutes of deep crying (and deep coughing) I felt much clearer and could even consider functioning without it seeming totally overwhelming.

Anyway, I am feeling relatively good now, all things considered. Still sick, but so much better than before. Still daunted by all that has piled up in the wake of my being out of commission for so many days. But I feel more like myself than I have in a couple of weeks, so that is something.

I hope that all of you are well.

February 4

Sickness abounds. Last weekend I was very sick and missed Sarah's party for grown ups. Luckily Sonia came over to help with everything from dishes to laundry to kids to preparing for Monday so between her and Carl everything was taken care of, including me. 

Tuesday both girls were home with pink eye and I had a bad cold plus an upset digestive system. Then I found out a teacher whom I loved from high school died. Then we found out that the Pittsburgh water supply was possibly compromised and we had to boil it before using it. Those were too many things and I started crying. Sarah came up and listened to me earnestly, as she so often does, and then when I came back from the bathroom she asked "mom are you feeling better now?" What grown up moments!

Now both girls have colds on top of the pink eye, Carl has a cold, and I am still not 100%. Sarah has her birthday party for kids tomorrow and I am hoping we are all well enough to enjoy it. This has felt like an especially hard week.

Carl took Sarah to a party for a classmate today at a roller-skating rink. Sarah did a wonderful job and Carl reports that he still has his skills from 25 years ago. Amy and I stayed home and snuggled. 

I hope you are all well!