January 28

We are approaching Sarah’s 10th birthday (coming Tuesday). Each birthday is always a mixed bag of emotions on my side. I am amazed that she is going to be 10. That is clearly impossible because she was just born yesterday. I am so blessed to have her and the people who have come into my life because of her uniqueness. As long as I only think about how far she has come then I am blown away with awe and gratitude. When I slip into noticing where other 10 year olds are in their lives, especially those children with whom Sarah played when she was a baby, then I stumble emotionally and feel like I am back on an empty road with dust swirling and waving goodbye to all who are so much farther ahead. 

Amy is getting better at doing her coat zipper. She never wanted to practice doing it, so it seemed to help when I personified the zipper and spoke to it about how it needed to cooperate and behave. She has now done it at least twice by herself (she had in the past but then stopped practicing and sort of lost the skill).

Sarah got her second report card of the year and made progress in several areas! One of them was social! I had to send the card back and did so before taking notes on the other specifics. 

Yesterday with G, Sarah had fun drawing sad faces. She drew 42 of them, which we all know is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

I have the Sad Brow photo book ready to give to Sarah. I’m so excited. I hope she loves it as much as I do. Actually, I hope she loves it even more than I do. No one loves a sad face more than Sarah.

January 22

Yesterday in the wee hours Sonia and I boarded a bus for DC and joined the multitudes. It was an amazing experience. It was also a very long day with lots of sitting, lots of standing, some times of being squished a bit, being cold, being hungry, and being tired. I have been much more emotional than I expected in response to seeing the pictures from all around the US and around the world. When I see the clips with the roar of the crowd I am teary. Each person who marched was a like raindrop and together we made it pour. Thank you to all who marched and thank you for all who supported the marchers. Thank you to Carl who made it possible for me to march by staying home with the girls. He took them to gymnastics, took them bowling, and ended the day with pizza and a movie. (We have found a pizza place that makes pizza Sarah can eat!) He and the the girls also watched the DC March on tv, pretending to see us in the crowds. He made the house a clean place to welcome me upon my return. This is not a small feat nor a small gesture! Today I am way more exhausted and sore and tired than I expected. I’m just wiped out. Carl took charge while I napped for a couple hours this morning. I feel teary thinking about that too. Feeling supported in whatever one’s venture is such an amazing feeling. 

In a time that feels long long ago I started teaching the girls to tie shoes! They each did it once with my coaching on Monday and then Sarah did it again with my coaching on Tuesday! I’m slightly uncertain about the method. It seems easier to teach but I’m not sure it is really the best way to tie a shoe well. It is easy with my shoes but harder with Sarah’s.

Tuesday Sarah didn’t have school and requested that I get a sitter (instead of me taking her to daycare) for when I had an appointment. The day felt very easy and harmonious. She helped take Amy to school mostly easily. The only meltdown was when I said she had to get dressed before having a turn with her iphone. On school days she always has to be dressed first but on weekends she doesn’t. I can see how the day was sort of in the middle since Amy had school and Sarah didn’t. Once her storm passed then she got ready easily and helped take Amy to school easily. We spent many short bits of time hanging out and playing together and doing some vision therapy homework. We had a wonderful game of catch with a dishcloth (clean and dry) for much longer than I expected her to last. When it was time to get Amy in the afternoon she got ready easily and left the house easily!!! That was amazing. I don’t know if it was because of having such a relaxed day or because I had more focused time with her or because it was warmer or just that I got lucky. When Sc arrived Sarah said, “Hi, Sc!” Then she and Sc and Amy had a wonderful SR session that included going to a ball and Amy holding up her hands for a high 5 which then turned into Sarah giving her a high 10 repeatedly while Amy counted by 10s to 100. When I came in and announced that dinner was ready Sarah said sweetly, “Ok. I will come down with an open mind.”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been speaking to the girls about having an open mind about dinner, but still. Still. This was wonderful. When Sarah is sweet she is sooooooooo sweet.

Sarah actually went easily to help get Amy from school every day! I had forgotten that that is how it always used to be. 

Lots of love and support to all of you.

January 14

The girls have strep throat again. This is the second time for each. Neither time has either of them showed any signs of having a sore throat or being very sick at all. It is always other little odd symptoms that are different for each child so it takes me a while to realize they need to see a doctor. Anyway, I have been washing everything all the time. 

This week was the week of bus frustration. A week ago on Friday, Sarah’s regular driver had an emergency situation so when I was expecting Sarah to arrive any minute, I got a call saying that a new driver was on the way to the school but might not get her until 3:15. She normally gets home a few minutes before 3 and then has her SR session with G on Friday at 3. I do understand emergencies so this was ok to need to cancel the time with G. I decided to go get Sarah rather than have her there for any longer than she needed to be. Monday afternoon when I was expecting Sarah to arrive, I again got a call. This time the substitute driver just didn’t show up so a new sub was on the way but her pickup would be quite late. Amy and I hopped in the car and brought Sarah home. Tuesday morning the bus was late. I called to see if it was coming. The line was busy for several minutes. When I finally got through they said it was a driver in training and would be there in 15 minutes. 30 minutes later it was pulling away with Sarah finally on board and with two more kids to get! They were leaving my house when school had already started 15 minutes ago! If I had known how late it was going to be, I would have just taken her at the usual time and she would have been on time. We were ready in our entryway for an hour! Sarah was screaming for the van for a large portion of that time. I felt out of sorts for the whole day.

On the plus side, Sarah had vision therapy after having a break at home and she had a notably better experience. She also sometimes does some of the activities on her own at home, which is good because the notion that she would do any of them at my suggestion is laughable. When the therapists shows Sarah what to do and prompts her to do the same, Sarah easily and happily does it. When I suggest that we do one of the activities the idea is usually roundly rejected. This is why it is good to have multiple people involved in raising our little bear.

I have been enjoying reading good books. For many months I had books that I wasn’t really fully enjoying but wasn’t letting myself abandon and they gummed up the works because then I just didn’t read. Now I am flying through books and loving it. I just started reading Peter Nimble by Jonathan Auxier. I love it so much. There are some sentences that are somehow so perfect I just want to eat them and I am delighted to have a book this delicious. Why is it so hard to remember that I need good books the way I need good food and time with friends?

Monday and Wednesday were quite low-key when I was home with sick kids, then Thursday and Friday were quite packed. I haven’t seen so many clients in so few days for years! Not that it was a huge amount, but compared to my normal amount it was and it felt great. It was also a good reminder to up my Alexander game. When I only see one person every couple of days it is ok to sometimes be sloppy with my body mechanics. When I see 5 people in 2 days then I have to have good use or else I get myself all messed up in my own muscles. I had to do extra speaking to myself about using my legs because on Thursday afternoon I went on a very long walk so my legs didn’t think much of the idea of putting in more effort. 

My parenting win for the week was making individual omelettes last night for dinner. I hardly ever cook omelettes so I didn’t feel entirely confident. The filling was red pepper, bacon, and cheese (Daiya shreds for Sarah). They tried them! They liked them! They ate them! I will do this again! 

Anyway, I hope you are all well and warm and that no one has strep and that your buses are all on time.

January 7

It is really easy to have revelations and solve all of my problems when the problems are not present. I swear that I had everything figured out. I remembered that when the girls scream or resist (and I mostly mean Sarah here) then it doesn’t mean that I am a bad mom. I had plans for how I could playfully navigate around the tricky times. I was implementing the plans! And then I wasn’t. Then I was going under into tightness and needing to leave the house to get Amy from school and I had no space for Sarah’s increased and strong resistance and then I was yelling and feeling like a failure for not sticking with my plan and clear thinking. 

Then I had a good talk with my mom in which she gently reminded me about how this might be more of an involved inside job to clear my own stuff. Sometimes I don’t quite realize that I need to have a big cry about everything that has been feeling difficult/impossible/heartbreaking. So I did. I cried and cried. Then Sarah came in and climbed on my lap and gave me a kiss and said she would fill my snuggle tank. Then she was calm and helpful with dinner and only protested a tiny bit. Bedtime got a bit rough with the girls fighting in the bathroom and I was disappointed in my parenting again. While Carl read to the girls I had another good cry. I’m sure there is more to come. These things do accumulate. It is sort of like filling a bag of trash. Every once in a while you have to empty the can. Anyway, the beauty of all of this was remembering that sometimes I don’t have to have the answer. All I have to do is let myself feel the feelings that I have been trying not to feel. Often crying them out seems to solve things in some magical way. Possibly it is just that I have clearer and cleaner energy and the girls respond to it differently. (Wait, does this mean I can’t blame them and their stuff for my stuff?!?)

Now to back up...

Other adventures from the week include Amy coming in one night while I was cooking dinner and telling me in a panicked voice that she had put an eraser up her nose and it wouldn’t come out and that she didn’t know that was going to happen. I called Carl to discuss what I should do, imagining that I needed to take Amy to the emergency room right away. Luckily, while we talked Amy managed to blow the eraser out. I have never been so glad to see the product of someone’s nose blowing.

On Wednesday Sarah had vision therapy right after school. Sarah was upset about not going straight home and she was screaming a lot at the beginning. I was defensive about how I couldn’t get her to stop screaming. I was embarrassed that I was defensive. I was mad that she was screaming. I was thinking that if I were a better Son-Rise mom then I wouldn’t have been upset about her screaming and I would have taken her home. We slogged through. Once I was out of sight then she had a productive and easy time with the vision therapist. Then we went to get Amy, and Sarah would NOT get out of the car. I was very mad and worried about being late to get Amy. That did not feel like my best parenting moment. Anyway, for future weeks I will either have a different appointment time for Sarah or I will get her early from school so she has time at home first and/or I will have someone else get Amy. On the plus side, when we went to OT, Sarah wrote her name the best I have ever seen her do it. Once again, I feel that this is at least partially attributable to vision therapy. I think it is helping her connect her intent with her ability in a new way.

I did have a great parenting moment last weekend. Normally I have Carl do baths and hair with the girls because Sarah protests less. He was not around at the time that baths needed to happen. I predicted that Sarah would scream and protest. I did not want to do it. Then I thought about how much she loves sad faces so I decided that I would be the one having a hard time in a big playful and exaggerated way. I sat down with her and told her there was something I had to do that I really didn’t want to do. I wailed, “It’s too hard to do! I can’t do it!” She was laughing and loving it. Continuing in that vein, I carried her upstairs and got her into the tub. She only protested a little and she also repeated “it’s too hard to do” with great glee. While washing her hair I sang a Colonial-era song called “Paper of Pins.” I moved my sitting position back and forth to sing both parts. She loved it. That was a nice surprise because whenever I sing anything I never know if she will love it or tell me to "stop singing, please.” 

One of my Christmas presents was a cassette player! The most important reason that I wanted this was so I could play a tape of my dad’s stories and songs that he performed as as Colonial peddler. These are so deeply familiar to me and so much fun to hear. It was also exciting to see the girls’ reaction when they heard a bit of Granddad’s voice coming out of our music system. I also want to use this to brush up on the stories that I used to tell and that I think the girls will like. 

For Sarah’s birthday at the end of the month (EGAD she will be 10! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE???), I am making a photo book for her of exaggerated sad faces. Sarah loves it so much when people make sad faces. She is always asking Carl to make a sad brow and she uses her hands to make it seem like he has a large sad mouth. Creating this book is one of the most fun things ever. 

Lots of love to all of you and whatever feelings you are feeling. Perhaps there is some profound lesson in how much love Sarah has for sadness. What if we gave our own sad selves that level of delight?