December 31

Christmas morning. 

Me: it’s too early to go downstairs. We can’t go down before 5. What time is it?

Amy: 4:45

Me: (laughing and laughing some more)

By 5:30 we were down stairs and by 7:30 we were done with Christmas morning. Naps and lunch were completed by 11:30.

One morning, Sarah was watching a show while Grandpa was in another room. She ran in to tell him that a character on the show was eating cheerios. How awesome that she wanted so much to share this information with him that she would get up in the middle of the show and find him and use his name and look at him to tell him this! As with so many things, we now take such beautiful social connection from Sarah for granted, but it really was something that we never knew for sure would happen. While I break it into parts for description’s sake, it often comes quite naturally and easily to her at this point for her to use a person’s name, look at them, and tell them something. It isn’t that she is thinking of what thing she needs to do next, it is just how she is. And sometimes such connection is seemingly impossible, which is why it is still notable when it happens.

Carl and Amy were building a lego structure on Christmas morning and Sarah joined them, becoming very excited about building the striped awning. For those of you who have walked with her anywhere you know her love of striped awnings and that she points them out everywhere all the time.

The girls received the Waterworks card game and Carl and Sarah were going to play. Sarah was very disappointed when she found out it was a card game rather than something with real pipes and water. Being his amazing self, Carl took her to Lowe’s and they came back with the works (ahem).

I am now completely off my headache medications and so far so good in terms of no actual major headaches, though the meds have probably only just left my system. I do still get whispers and I expect that may be how things are for a while. The most exciting aspect of this change is that I am now allowed to have grapefruit! I am still riding through the waves of panic, especially if I wake up in the middle of the night for any reason. I am worried both about the headaches returning and about then feeling stupid for coming off the meds too soon. Perhaps I could consider only worrying about the headaches. 

So many people have been expressing their dislike of 2016 as a whole. There are certainly things I wish I could change, but I just can’t actually feel mad at the year. From my perspective for our family, it has been an incredibly wonderful year. A year ago at around this time we were dealing with daily poop accidents that were interfering with Sarah’s schooling and the general joy of everyone in the family. We found out she was super impacted through her intestines and we fixed that. We are still certainly facing food questions about how to get her system fully, healthily functional so she doesn’t need miralax, but our daily life is so much better. Sarah finished kindergarten and we found her school for first grade. After months of worrying and feeling like the right school just didn’t exist, we found the right school, thanks to word of mouth and people being wonderful. She is thriving. She loves taking the school van. We started vision therapy and it seems to be the right thing to do. We have continued to be blessed by the time, attention, expertise, and love of all of the people in her life, from her volunteers to her sitters to her OT to her gymnastics teachers. Amy finished preschool and started kindergarten at a wonderful school in walking distance from our home, a school where we get to see a friend/sitter every day so I felt sure from day 1 that there was someone who loved her right there in the building. Amy is thriving, reading, writing, and loving school. She drew a picture of herself at school and wrote that it was her favorite place. Carl loves his work. I love my work and have gotten to do more teaching than in previous years. With every class I become a better teacher and massage therapist. My headache situation got so prolonged that it got my attention in a new way which led me to connecting with my wonderful Jenny-Rise MT. I found a place to volunteer giving free pregnancy massages to women who otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford them. It feels like the perfect fit. We survived transitioning from having Sonia with us full-time to having her move into other jobs and to having me take over running things without as much help. We have had wonderful visits with friends and family. I read good books. I stopped reading not-good books before finishing them. I still love Zumba. Life is just good. Hiccups, speed-bumps, panic, worry, self-doubt, uncertainty, mistakes and mis-steps all present, it is still good. There were so many wonderful things that I know I am forgetting to mention lots of them! There are many incredibly wonderful and loving people in the world. I am blessed to know all of you. 

December 24

Amy seems to have suddenly learned to read. I know it hasn’t been sudden in reality, but it still seems that way. She knocks my socks off just as much as Sarah does, even if I take it for granted that she will. Still. Wow. 

With her new sewing machine and Carl’s help, Sarah made a pair of pants! The only fabric I had was snail fabric so that is what she used and she made pants for Cookie Monster. I can barely stand the adorableness.

This week it was Amy’s turn to get strep throat. If Sarah hadn’t had it then I certainly wouldn’t have known anything was amiss with Amy. She barely seemed sick, but I recognized the rash and took her to the doctor. Luckily it was a day when it was easy for me to stay home without changing any plans. I have realized that for most of my appointments to happen on any given day I need to have 6 people/institutions functioning normally: the person I am meeting, me, Sarah, Amy, Sarah’s school, and Amy’s school (or daycare or sitters). No wonder I often see my plans flash before my eyes. Last week I benefited from the girls’ uncle A being available to hang out with Amy when her school was delayed due to the cold. This week I benefited from Grandpa being in town and available to help because Sarah’s school and daycare were both closed Thursday and Friday.

On Thursday I had a wonderful SR session. It had been a while since I’d been in the room and it felt so good to really connect and play with no distractions for an hour. We did a few rounds of giving each other kisses and saying “oh thank you!” and a few rounds of pretending to be sad or that our clothing was sad. We discussed what pants she wants and how she wants to go into the basement to open her Christmas presents now. (She already figured out that she could move the step-stool to the basement door to unlock it.) Then I started trying to sing songs and she kept playfully telling me not to. I would make a big playful deal out of it, especially about the varying amounts she would let me sing depending on the song. At one point I asked if I could sing about the color blue. She said yes so I sang the verse from “Jenny Jenkins” about blue. “Will you wear blue oh my dear oh my dear, will you wear blue Jenny Jenkins? No I won’t wear blue ‘cause the color’s too true. I’ll buy me a fauldy rauldy tildy tauldy seek a double ro—oll, Jenny Jenkins Roll!” (note: when I was little I thought the song was about socks. It is actually about a choice of wedding dress color). I worked my way through the colors and ended with the verse about “Now what do you care so I don’t go bare?” Sarah found that line so funny! I kept singing it over and over, helping her learn it. Then I wrote it on the white board wall and asked her to sing it. I love that she could be learning a new song and using her reading skills to help her. Now she is working on learning the lines about blue and she laughs so much she can barely get the words out. 


I had more amazing Jenny-Rise sessions this week. It is so deeply amazing to have the feeling that everything is going to be ok and that I can put down my concerns, fears, stresses, tears, planning, and thinking for an hour and really just be. I can let go of things I have been carrying for years. I can stop being scared of my headaches and of pain. It feels so deeply healing. I wish I could give this gift of healing to everyone everywhere. It is amazing to have someone who seems to find the cracks, boulders, and hiccups in my system as if they are drawn visibly, someone who can directly target them with either incredibly gentle work or with pressing hard and specifically on a trigger point that hurts like hell but offers freedom. It is the combination and the blend that always feels so right that there must be an instruction manual attached to me though I have yet to see it. There are also times when I don’t let myself let go. After a session with all of the amazingness just described then I usually freak out a bit and think that I can’t deserve such a gift and so then I’m not quite as much in the moment the next time. It is priceless to have J still be with me, fascial connection made, waiting. As soon as I had the thought that I could really let go and accept the gift of healing then, fwoop, my fascia and muscles let go and started to move. It was instant once I allowed it. It just took many many minutes for me to allow it as I moved through my thinking. I feel like this has profound meaning for how I live life in general. 

There are so many moments with my kids where I don’t fully allow whatever is happening to be ok. It might be that they are being noisy and playful and I just find it annoying. But, if I am in the SR room then I allow it all in a different way. I embrace it and go with it and then it feels so much better. I feel so much better. My intention going forward is to allow those moments, to let go into those moments more fully, to embrace them instead of holding some of me back in annoyance while trying to pretend otherwise. I want to let the annoyance go. Or if I can’t, then I want to move out of the situation more cleanly and clearly. (Admittedly, while I have been writing these words I have been more than happy to let Carl deal with the screaming children.)

Another experience that seems to have profound implications was when the girls and I made gingerbread cookies yesterday. I had promised them that we would so even though I didn’t particularly feel like it, I started the process. The kitchen was such a mess already that there wasn’t adequate space for everything. The dough didn’t quite cooperate at first so it took longer to be ready. The girls were impatient. It was not the completely easy and joyful experience I had hoped for or that I imagine happens in other houses where parents are more relaxed about mess and control than I am. But, we made the cookies anyway. They are yummy. They are beautiful. I muddled through. So even if I can’t always be the relaxed person I dream of and even if my kitchen is almost always a mess and even if the kids are impatient and even if the process wasn’t what I envisioned, we still did it. Maybe that is life. It isn’t always what we think it will be. We don’t always have the circumstances we think we need before embarking on a project. But we can do it anyway. It can yield results anyway. Have I ever been the perfect Son-Rise mom (in my estimation of what perfect would be)? Rarely. Have I still run a Son-Rise program from start to now ebbing evolving finish? Yes. Has Sarah been thriving more than she would have if we hadn’t done all that we have? Yes. Is my kitchen still a mess? Yes. The cookies are good. We are good. The kitchen and life are a mess, a beautiful mess, and it can all happen anyway even when I can’t control it all. Even if I can’t let go of everything and fully go with the flow. 

Last night before I had decided what to cook for dinner both kids assured me that they wouldn’t like it. Then they snarfed it. It’s nice when it goes that way.

I hope you all have happy holidays and snuggly warm rejuvenating moments. May we all sit with ourselves gently and kindly, accepting the gifts of love, friendship, and help that abound, even while we are surrounded by messes. 

December 17

You know you have a child with eating restrictions when a couple of hours before attending a birthday party you are hastily whipping up a batch of cupcakes so she will have something to eat at the party. I had been meaning to make them for days because I like to have them around as a relatively healthy treat. I kept putting it off because, well, I just didn’t feel like it. As soon as I realized that I needed them for the party I had a batch in the oven in 22 minutes. This was last Sunday. Unfortunately, then Sarah didn’t get to go because she had a fever. She didn’t want to eat or drink anything. Except a cupcake. That went down just fine. 

Both girls had school concerts on Monday but Sarah was home sick from school so missed hers. She seemed well enough to go to Amy’s concert so we were all able to attend, though Sarah spent the time asking to leave (until it was actually time to leave and then she wanted to stay and play with the chairs). Tuesday I sent Sarah to school because she seemed well enough, though she had a rash or hives of some sort all over starting Monday night. Given her skin sensitivity I wasn’t overly concerned, but I was puzzled. Then Tuesday night she told Carl that her ears felt like they were being squeezed like when she is on a plane. WOW. That is the clearest communication she has ever given us about what she is feeling in her body. So, to the doctor Wednesday…

Turns out she had scarlet fever. I had no idea that it is a kind of strep throat that comes with a rash. Sarah asked the doctor, “Can I wear your stethoscope?” and the doctor understood perfectly and let her wear it for a few minutes (and then cleaned it before using it herself).

This week seems full of people embodying my best intentions when I have trouble remembering them myself. On Tuesday the girls had dentist appointments and they are usually pretty easy. Luckily Sonia was available to help just like she used to. When we arrived Sarah was upset about various things. It was beautiful to watch Sonia in action again, being so creatively patient and calm in her explaining the situation to Sarah. A little later when it was Sarah’s turn to have her teeth cleaned, that did not go easily at all. My only guess is that it was due to Sarah being sick. What was beautiful was how patient and calm the hygienist M. was about the whole thing. She was the one saying that she didn’t want to force Sarah to do something Sarah didn’t want to do because she didn’t want Sarah to dislike the process in the future. Thank goodness for her wisdom because I was still feeling a bit anxious and like I needed to make it happen. Sometimes other people are my better self. 

I witnessed some beautiful Carl moments… It was bedtime and both girls were mad about it and didn’t want to go up to bed. I was thinking to myself, “I’ll show you mad…” Luckily Carl was in charge of bedtime. He asked the girls if they wanted a mad cat or mad bear ride upstairs. He then pretended to be such mad animals while carrying them upstairs as they giggled. 

I took Amy shopping for a new winter coat. She wanted something red. We went to Target. There was one red-ish coat in her size. She said she wanted it. We bought it. She wanted a treat at Starbucks. I got her a juice. Amy was very upset that I wouldn’t get her food because normally when we hit a Starbucks we also get food. I offered her an applesauce pouch or fruit bar. Nope. As we drove home she was crying about how she didn’t get anything she wanted and she didn’t like the coat. Awesome. After some calmer moments at home Carl looked at the new coat slated to be returned and suggested that he and Amy try to categorize the color by comparing it to other red and orange items in the family room. I am in awe of Carl’s ability to basically sidestep the emotions of the moment while still staying focused on the moment and somehow bringing in more connection and engagement with the kid(s). I did return the coat after all because I had seen some clothes I wanted to get for the girls for Christmas and had to go back on my own anyway. While I was there I found a coat we hadn’t seen before and it is the perfect Amy coat, covered in multi-colored triangles. Problem solved (for those of you who know Peg + Cat, cue the music).

Tuesday night with Sc….Sc brought presents for the girls. Sarah was disappointed they weren’t pants. Sc asked if she knew what one of the things was. Sarah didn’t so Sc told her it was a sewing machine. Sarah got a look of powerful understanding and said, “make pants!” The sewing machine needed batteries so Sarah asked for Sc to get the circuit board kit down because it had batteries. The sewing machine required a screw driver to open the battery compartment. Sarah said she needed Dad to come home. Sc said that happened at 7. Sarah went to the clock and moved the hands to be 7:00! What wonderful thinking she was doing. I am torn about her seeming to have this concept that Carl is the only one who can get her a screwdriver. This seems like a notion I should rectify in the name of women’s empowerment. On the other hand, I kind of like not needing to deal with certain things so leaving this misinformation in place could be rather handy. (She must not be remembering the times I have replaced the battery in her glow worm).

Sarah’s speech therapist at school wrote “Sarah came to speech with some of my 2nd graders. We played Christmas Bingo and Sarah was the “caller.” She named the pictures using a louder volume, clear speech (each syllable) & head up, looking at the other students. She did a very good job. I’m always amazed by her vocabulary!”

Sarah’s confidence and ability on the balance beams was very noticeably improved today compared to the past and that was even with no vision therapy session due to the scarlet fever.

Even with Sarah being sick I feel like this was a rather amazing and wonderful week. There is so much in the world that one can despair about, but it is endlessly rejuvenating to look at the people directly in my life because they are so deeply wonderful. I cannot help but conclude that people are amazing. 

December 10

The Pigeon is riding the bus. Sarah rode the bus (van) to school on Monday for the first time. She seemed happy enough when I buckled her in, but I was a royal mess once I got inside the house. I haven’t cried so hard about any previous step of hers. This felt big and scary to send her off in a van with people I don't know. I cried hard for many minutes. Then I found out she had been sad on the drive and kept saying, “I miss people.” ACK!! At least she was ok once she was at school. I was relieved to pick her up that afternoon for vision therapy, which went well. I didn’t leave the premises but I kept a low profile and that did seem to help. 

Tuesday morning when she got to school she cried but the driver said she hadn’t been sad on the drive itself. I also picked her up that afternoon for an appointment with her GI doctor (no new info there, just to keep on going as we have been with the Miralax. I am wishing he was on board with my wanting to get her off of it. Any Pittsburgh peeps with GI doctor recommendations? we already have a naturopath but I like to have a straight up GI doctor too). 

Wednesday morning Sarah was very impatient for the bus to come. That is really a wonderfully amazing thing that she was so quickly eager for her bus ride. Wednesday afternoon when I helped Sarah get off the bus, one of the other kids told me what a good job she did. He said she said everyone’s name on the bus. The other kids said goodbye when she left and she said bye back. Oh my goodness! Fill my heart and call me full. 

Thursday after school she went into my room to play with her phone for 5 minutes. She sometimes asks questions that she hears asked of her. So she said, “how was school?” I responded, “how was school?” She grinned and said, “I had fun” as she shut the door. We have never had that kind of moment before.

We recently retested Sarah’s blood and urine for the naturopath. It is hard for me not to spiral into feeling depressed about her digestive situation. I am the one who makes the food decisions for her so I do feel responsible, though I know I can’t force her to eat certain things and I do make some choices for the mental health of all of us. I am also not her body and I know I am doing my best to help her body. But then I doubt myself and wonder if I really am doing my absolute best. I am certainly not making everything from scratch the way I used to. The good news seems to be that wheat continues to test as ok and she has been having some basically every day for the past few months. Some sensitivities have gone down because of reducing her intake (cashews, almonds, eggs) but now she has a new sensitivity to sunflower seeds! (ARGH!). This doesn’t mean she can’t have them, it just means limiting her consumption. Dairy still tested as ok even though our experiential data seems to be that it makes her itchy. 

I am still dealing with a cough. It is mostly mild or non-existent and then every once in a while it is embarrassingly atrocious. I am so tired of being sick. I keep prioritizing rest over cleaning or dealing with the myriad of things to deal with. I know rest is good and that it is important to get well, but it doesn’t seem to actually be making me well. I am just maintaining my status. I feel like I am drowning in the piles of crap that are silting in to a degree rarely seen before in this house. I just want to get a dumpster and throw it all away. 

There are some things that are so subtle that I wonder if I am imagining them. And yet, why would I have the thought if there wasn’t something? With gymnastics and with Sarah’s language this week, I feel like there is a slight quickening. Not as in speed but as in something coming together with her confidence and ability. My only guess as to the cause is the vision therapy. Certainly it is designed to wake up her brain in new ways so it makes sense that we might see differences beyond the realm of her vision.

As of Friday night, I will now need all new socks. Perhaps you saw my entire collection blowing past your window? Sarah picked up a level 2 beginning reader book that we haven’t read in possibly a year, but that we used to read all the time. She started pointing to the words and reading them aloud more clearly than she normally reads aloud. And pointing correctly. And not skipping words. She only did a few sentences here and there, but they were clear and she was focused and sparkly. This is definitely a new level of ability! To make it all the sweeter, her book of choice was Owl at Home by Arnold Lobel, one of the great works of literature from which I have learned profound life lessons.

We went to a used clothing store to look for winter boots and a small miracle occurred. There was only one pair of size 12 boots. They fit Amy and she liked them! There was only one pair of size 13 boots. They fit Sarah and she liked them! We also found size 2T turquoise pajamas with pink elephants ice skating. This was the exact pattern both girls wore when they were younger and that Sarah has wished for ever since. At first I tried talking her out of them and then I realized that made no sense. So now she is wearing size 2T pajama pants! 

Amy colored in a picture of Hello Kitty with a myriad of colors. I love how Amy uses many different colors within a shape, whether it is a person or an animal. To me this spells a love of all the different colors of people in the world. That may not be what she intends, but it is what I see.

Lots of love to all of you. Thank you for your love and support about the bus and our Pigeon.

December 4

Vision therapy was better this week. Sarah did some things while wearing all sorts of different glasses. It was one of the cutest things ever. She also still asked to go home several times. On Wednesday I met with her occupational therapist to discuss some of the vision therapy things in case she can incorporate some of them, which she actually already does. During the time we were talking, Sarah asked repeatedly to be done and go home. I inquired if this was normal behavior, because I am not normally present for their time together. The OT said no. Ah ha! Sarah is found out! I now want to experiment with not being present during the vision therapy. This may mean I have to hide or just wait in the car. 

Sarah was supposed to start taking the bus on Friday and I was equal parts excited and nervous. Then she was sick Friday morning and I decided she needed to stay home from school. I cancelled my client. Carl went in later than usual so he could take Amy to school. Sarah napped. And woke up completely good as new! That is wonderful! But?!?! Yet, I think I actually needed a day of rest myself and I certainly was never resting enough when left to my own devices so maybe this was Sarah’s gift to me. I stayed home too and napped and read on the couch. I think this is finally helping my cough go away. I have had a cough for over two weeks. It sounds awful. I have felt completely well the whole time. So I just kept going because I felt well. But the cough was never leaving. The doctor said it is bronchitis caused by a virus and may take 6-8 weeks for the cough to go away. I am hoping that with an extra dose of rest I can make that number much shorter. After a few days of increased rest I am definitely on the mend in a way I wasn’t before.

We got our Christmas tree yesterday. It took less than 10 minutes from the time we got out of the car until the tree was loaded and ready to go. Then Amy said it was time to do a Christmas tree performance. She told me I could be the audience.

Anyway, that’s about it. This felt like a short week. Now to start getting anxious about tomorrow morning’s bus pick-up for Sarah. I don’t want to put off worrying. If I do then I might not get it all in! :) She has to be ready 25 minutes earlier than we left the house when I drove her. The pickup is only 15 minutes earlier but she is supposed to be ready to walk out the door 10 minutes prior to the given pick-up time. Fingers crossed that we can manage it. Fingers crossed that it goes well. Her teacher said she will call me when Sarah arrives. Monday and Tuesday afternoons I still have to pick Sarah up myself because she has appointments both days, but starting Wednesday she will also take the bus home and I will get an extra hour in the afternoon.